Words I Might Have Ate

Great Eastern Mall

2012-01-10T22:36:00.000-08:00

Di tepi jalan ampang

Di depan great eastern mall

Di temani gadis girang

Di buai mimpi yang tiada kepastian

Di antara tawa dan senyumnya

Di kala aku hilang (fikiran ku melayang)

Di manakah mulanya

Di manakah akhirnya kita

Di tiup angin malam

Di rambutnya ku selitkan sekuntum bunga

Di telefon bimbit ku rakam sebuah gambar

Di situ juga lah, aku terjatuh...

biar lah tiada peluang

biar lah tiada harapan

bibit permulaan hampir selalunya indah

di hujung perjalanan ini aku tahu

yang kau pasti akan pergi

meninggalkan aku

di great eastern mall

tempat kau dan aku

tempat lahirnya sebuah cerita

yang penghujungnya

hanya ada pada dirimu.

I would rather have you...

2012-01-03T20:23:00.000-08:00

If I could have the world
I wouldn’t want it
If I could have fame or fortune
I’d say no
The only thing I want
Is your love
I would rather have that
Than anything this world has to offer
But i can't tell you
How bad it hurts
For me to give out
And receive nothing back
And just watch you fall apart
Right in front of me
I never thought this would happen
But life is full of surprises
we must take our hits and move on
And maybe someday you will realize
That I love you more than you’ll ever know
And I pray that before it’s all said and done
You come running back to me
With open arms
Because no matter what
I’ll always be waiting
I’ll never give up.

*credit http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/i-would-rather-have-you/

Retak menanti belah...

2011-12-30T21:43:00.001-08:00

Berkumandang gema di ancala nun di sana

memekik madah yang memainkan kata janji
tanpa kepastian sama ada ianya akan dikota
menjerit sang sanubari tanpa suara
hanya denyutan nada hati yang kecewa

menggamit kenangan antara kau dan dia
dikala semangat api cinta membara
membakar asmara sang pencinta muda
menggulung harapan pintalan ombak perindu
disana kau lafazkan ucapan kasih yang tiada penghujung

namun pabila waktu retak menanti belah
madah pujangga dulu kini semakin sepi
yang tinggal hanya kata nista dan dendam
mencemar suci yang semakin pudar dalam kepasrahan
menerima hakikat yang kasih dulu kini hanya memori

tersepit kemahuan diantara kesetiaan dan perasaan
mengoncangkan keutuhan yang bertiangkan kerapuhan kepercayaan
percintaan dan panca roba yang mengiringinya
acap kali mengaburi keaslian azali
dirompak kegetiran perjalanan yang tiada pasti

di kala retak menanti belah
di kala cinta dilambung ombak

Kebosanan itu suka berteman

2011-12-25T05:48:00.000-08:00

Sedang sendiri... merenung pada ruang yang kosong... memerah otak yang semakin membeku... tolonglah buat sesuatu... aku kini sedang kebosanan yang optimum... tiada lagi rancangan TV untuk menghiburkan hati... tiada lagi buku novel untuk dibaca (ade sebenarnya tapi aku amat malas di waktu ini)... sesungguhnya tika dan saat ini aku wish yang aku berada di tempat lain... di state of mind yang berbeza... kebosanan itu suka berteman... aku tidak bernasib baik hari ini... terpaksa berteman dengan kebosanan...

Puas sudah aku menghisap rokok... rasa sesak sudah dada ini... namun bosan itu tetap setia... menemaniku di hari cuti krismas... aku sepatutnya tidak berkerja... sudah nasib mencari rezeki di bidang IT... cuti tiada dalam kamus seorang pekerja IT... setiap hari adalah hari berkerja dan setiap waktu tak kira siang mahu pun malam... pastinya aku dianggap robot... so much for their work life balance policy.... langsung tidak ada keseimbangan... dacing hidupku berat ke arah kerja... walaupun nampak senang... tidak perlu ke pejabat hari - hari... malah tidak perlu juga bangun seawal ayam untuk berkokok... tapi... ya ada tapinya... 8 jam kerja itu hanya lah minimum... aku rasa seminggu kalau betul nak di hitung jam bekerja... aku yakin... malahan aku pasti yang aku bekerja lebih dari 40 jam seminggu... dan sebelum anda semua berkata "OK lah tu, claim sure lebat"... perlu di ingat... bukan semua overtime boleh di claim.. dan apa guna duit banyak kalau kita tidak dapat menikmati kelazatannya... mungkin dulu aku tidak kisah sangat untuk bekerja macam manusia yang tiada hidup... tapi at 31, aku sudah tak sanggup... banyak yang aku terlepas, aku bekerja sedangkan kawan - kawan aku menikmati hidup seperti manusia normal... aku pulak yang jadi abnormal... i don't want to be extraordinary... extraordinary is overrated anyway... penat sudah aku bekerja... aku nak bercuti pula... aku nak bercuti panjang... sayangnya di Malaysia... konsep taking a sabatical tidak wujud... kalau adalah policy nie dalam company aku dah lama aku ambil cuti dan pergi ke Afrika... nak tengok cheetah in full flight... pasti aku terpegun macam kuda...

tahun baru...ada yang suka dan ada yang tak suka... aku ? well, entah la.. aku tiada jawapan untuk soalan itu... ada masa aku tak sabar menungu tahun baru... a new start lah kata orang, especially kalau tahun sebelumnya sangat tidak best... ada masa aku rasa tahun baru ni membuat aku rasa restless... sebabnya? aku sendiri pun tidak tahu lah... tapi i look forward for 2012... entah lah.. mungkin ada jodoh kot tahun depan... hahaha... keep dreaming aboo... mungkin ada rezeki lebih ker... mana lah tahu kan... :) azam tahun baru aku? sama seperti tahun tahun yang telah berlalu... mencari erti hidup aku yang aku rasa dah meleret sangat sejak akhir - akhir ini...

aku ingin bebas.. aku ingin pulang dan aku ingin mula semula... dan kali ini, aku nak buat apa yang aku mahu bukan apa yang boss aku mahu... aku nak berkecimpung balik dalam seni.. apa apa jenis seni pun boleh... Komputer dan aku sudah tidak sehaluan lagi... kami sudah retak yang menanti belah... no amount of reasoning pun yang boleh memperbaiki hubungan kami yang telah tiada arah tujuan... Selamat tinggal komputer, terima kasih atas segalanya... mungkin jodoh kita hanya sampai disini...

"love hurts whether its right or wrong"

Open heart surgery (To prevent time from advancing with you)

2011-12-14T22:01:00.000-08:00

Open heart surgery (To prevent time from advancing with you)

My anguish turned out to be just another chapter
In another story that end with the same ending
Leveraging that sinking feeling with a hope that springs eternal
Forgone was the conclusion for a hopeless romantic,
So clear but yet so clouded

Tempting fate in an odd that favor the cheaters
Where lies and deceit paid off handsomely in the end
Leaving pure heart shattered to smithereens
So succinct, it will last long after the time has past
The truth really does bites

For all of time, divine intention is taken for granted
Blinded by the act of a hunter on prowl, unleashing a blinding aura of deception
So poignant, one by one they fall prey to the trap for eternity
While I watched in horror as my utopia slowly turn into an abyss
Eternally burnt by the fallout of matters of the heart

Time after time, even as the hunter moved on,
I cannot prevent you from moving on with him,
Forever tied to his fate, burning heart one after another
Blazing trail that echo through the passage of time
I can't be bothered anymore
For I am ashamed of the beating of my heart

Altar of shame

2011-12-09T08:36:00.001-08:00

I stood still, and for a while,

time flies ever so slowly, waiting,

giving me room to breathe, to inhale,

the fresh new beginning, and to exhale,

the torment of yesteryear, a time not too long ago,

I picked up the pieces, buried in the sands of time,

placing them one by one, on the altar of shame,

so cold and bitter, it fills the air with animated taunts,

I gave up on us, we were never really together,

the love is dead, the heart charred beyond recognition,

I'll leave my room, open till sunrise,

for you, and if we ever crossed path,

turn your back and walk away,

I dont want you to see me, faltering,

I'm so lost, without you,

You are the ghost, my only venom,

never alone, but at times, lonely,

Are you afraid of being alone?

haunt my dreams, I am not waking up,

I cry for the times I thought I had you

Heart like grated parmesan :)

2011-12-02T00:21:00.000-08:00

Diam tak diam, dah setahun aku keluar dari rumah mak aku dan belajar hidup sendiri... Apa yang aku dapat dari pengalaman selama setahun nie ? first of all, makan aku selalu tak terjaga, beli pun kadang tak sedap, masak sendiri lagi la tak sedap... tapi at least setahun nie aku dapat ler belajar masak sket... tambah biler dok tengok master chef nie.. rase cam nak belajar betul2 ajer... lain dari tu... aku baru la paham awat mak aku selalu marah kat aku pasal tak reti nak berkemas selepas makan... kalau dibiarkan mmg pinggan kat umah aku nie tak pernah berbasuh ler... huhuhu... sarat mata aku tgk sampah yang menggunung tu... dan satu lagi, aku dah tak reti tido awal dah... hari2 tido lewat... maner tak rabak mata gi office... dan biler demam takde saper aku nak manje... mak jauh dah (aku mmg anak mak... so what??) sorang2 gak ler merana demam... hahaha...

Selain tu baru la aku perasan... beli apartment/condo/rumah pangsa nie banyak belanje... maintenance fees lah, quit rent lah (sampai skang aku tak paham bende aper nie... saper2 yg reti boleh tolong explain)... tambah2 walaupun rumah aku 5 tingkat ajer (ker 4 tingkat arr>??) tapi takde lift nie mmg seksa especially biler banyak barang nak bawak masuk rumah... walaupun wa dok tingkat 1 jer, pinggang dan lutut wa dah macam org 50 tahun... menitik air mata brader nak angkat beras naik atas... tapi takpe la... yang besh dok sendiri nie... nak isap rokok kat maner2 pun boleh... takde org marah... baju leh campak2 jer... makan pun merata, dari dapur sampai la ke dalam bilik... steady ajer wa makan... takde org complaint pun... huhuhu...

Cuma perubahan paling ketara ade lah... belanja makin besaq, pastu memalam bute kalau lapaq... terpakse bantai tido ajer... stok maggi berlambak, tapi wa dah tak sanggup nak telan maggi... hari2 maggi maner tak bosan... tu stok yg ade tu ingat nak jual la... hahaha saper mau... murah2 jer wa tolak bro/sis... nak masak hari2 macam besh tapi skill aku limited. Dok lauk yg sama jer, ayam goreng, telur goreng, sayur campur... ntah bile la plak nak belajaq masak lemak ker, asam pedas ker, kari ker... buku dari dapur orang bujang aku dah hilang kemana ntah... kalau tak at least ade resepi nak tiru... hehehehe

Hujung tahun pun dah dekat, resolusi aku tahun lepas still tak tercapai... so tahun depan malas nak wat resolusi sudah... mmg tak pernah aku capai pung... agak2 kalau aku betul2 diet n exercise n dapat jadik kurus .. boleh dapat awek ker?? ... bosan sudah hidup sorang2... nak gak ade teman... cuma asyik kena tipu ajer so far... kadang tu bukan aku tak tahu minah tu menipu... aku layan kan ajer sebab biar lah kena tipu dari dok sorang takde girlfriend.. sampai satu tahap aku tak tahan aku blah... biar lah dier ngan boyfriend diorang tu... sesetengah tu boyfriend mmg tak bleh pakai... tapi diorg dok gila gak kat depa... aku wat pa... dah macam2 budi aku tanam, treat diorg pun dgn baik jer... gagal jugak.. bukan ler wa mintak balas pun budi tu... tapi at least nampak ler yg wa nie ikhlas dari boyfriend diorang yg tak leh pakai tu... tak guna gak... jerks jugak yg dapat the girls... so biar lah aku kena tipu... selagi aku rela kena tipu aku ikut je lah rentak diorang nie... rase2 tak tahan and poket pun dah kering... aku blah... kalau diorang ngade2 datang carik aku... cakap ajer takde duit... sesetengah yg mata duitan tu sure tak carik dah... cuma yg still kadang2 dtg carik tu... pelik gak aku... yer mmg diorang tu tak mata duitan... tapi yg dok mai kat aku tu awat... pakwe hang takda ka ?? lagi mau mainkan hati aku yg dah hancuq cam grated parmesan nie... awat buat lagu tu cheq ? aku pun orang... hati aku bukan made of iron/steel/titanium... muke jer harap rockers tapi hati wa bunge beb... hahahahaha... chait maner ade bunga... dalam hati nie penuh lagu metal ajer.. :P

Have a nice weekend people!!!!!

Hear you me (Jimmy Eat World)

2011-11-30T09:11:00.000-08:00

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Version 7.6.2

2011-11-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

The upgrade project last night completed without too many issues, much to my relieve. I have been tweaking the upgrade plan for 3 weeks now trying to cover every angle and aspect of the upgrade process, trying to minimize any impact to the production network and to cover my own backside in case we did run into trouble. And it was a great feeling when it gone with pretty much a breeze last night. I think I have been in Cyberjaya for about 5/6 years and I hardly get involved with projects... most of the time it will just be the usual work in supporting the client data centers. The last 3 years have been an eye opener, slowly they start to let me in to some projects... nothing too big but just enough to keep me interested in my work. My work gets routine sometimes so it is good to have something else to work on when things gets too familiar and you became complacent. I was not made to work in the IT industry but I got to pay the bills somehow right ?

So it's version 7.6.2 now, a big step from our previous version 7.4.2... many new features that I cant wait to explore... but it will have to wait... I got some time off planned this 2 weeks... and I'm going up north for a cousin's wedding... I'm planning to take a few more since I have a lot of annual leave still... still pissed at my cancel trip to Phuket on July... planning another trip there next year... maybe in March... hopefully this time around it wont be cancel again...

Am I easily smitten ? I'm guessing yes... too bad... I need to learn some defense technique to avoid getting into that dark place once again... but so far it is manageable... my quota of heartbreak per year is 3... and it have been utilized but only 1 that really hurts, the rest was just an innocent crush than turn into something sweet but didn't last long enough to hurt as much as the first one this year... the latest ? oh sorry I have maxed out my quota... if you wanna break my heart... please try again next year :)

-I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it-

Do you know what lies beyond smithereens ?

2011-10-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

She text-ed me and I replied and this dance lasted for a while until I cant take it anymore. So I called her instead, I miss that sweet, mesmerizing and flirty voice of her... I know this is a mistake... but I can't help it... so I let this continue for 2 days and then put a stop to it... I know I don't stand a chance... it was harder the last time we talked... but I guess, the heart wises up a bit this past few months... No time to let this recovering heart to go through the same ordeal again... at least not for the same person... if it was someone else then maybe we could go on the emotion roller coaster again (and ending up stuck in a rut you can't get out of)... hoping for a different ending even when experience told you that it will never going to happen... persistent pain strengthens the heart... just a lie I made up to soften the blows...

When you don't owned much and all that you have is a pittance... life sure takes a different view... much of my adult life I'm able to get stuff that I wanted... not those super fancy ones but enough to lit up the eyes for a while. The events of this year has left me in a lurch and I can't seems to shake it off... I'm in dire need of financial planning... the breakdown of my investment have weaken my finances and I got so many commitment. A lesson learn, it is never a good thing to invest in a friend that you can't bring yourself to scold when he screwed up. Now that hard earned money is washed down the drain with ease and he acted like nothing happens... that's the last time I'm ever going to invest with my high school friends... They might be some of my cool friends... but they sucked at running a business...

It's been raining a lot lately... a sign that the end of the year is coming... it always raining towards the end... it seems like when the judgement day comes... it going to be a rainy day... the mother earth is probably weeping at the sins we've committed... and I ain't no saint... I have my fair share of mistakes... as I have said it before... the rain used to inspired me a lot... I love watching the hours goes by sitting near a window pane watching those tiny droplets of rain on the glass and looking at the darkening horizon wondering what lies beyond... watching people trying to get out of the rain when I wanted to be soaked by the falling inspiration from the sky above... standing perfectly still, letting the rain washes over my sorrow... lifting the gloomy mood and cheering me up... I think it is funny when people associates rainy day with gloomy spirit and sunny day with happy spirit... I live very near the equator... sunny day = staying in doors... the heat is sometime unbearable and I have live in this weather all my life... A European friend of mine comes for a visit last year and she could not get enough of the sun... while I was always trying to find shades from the sun... she would be happily bathe in the sunshine... well she's used to the cold weather of England so a warm sunshine is a gift... for me.. I'd like to see its snowing here in downtown KL... then maybe we all could wear those awesome winter coats... hehehehe

later 'gator

"Isn't it messed up how I'm dying to be him? "

Up all night

2011-10-06T20:42:00.000-07:00

*Blink182 latest single Up all night

Everyone wants to call it all around our life with a better name.
Everyone falls and spins and gets up again with a friend who does the same.
Everyone lies and cheats their wants and needs and still believes their heart.
And everyone gets the chills, the kind that kills when the pain begins to start.

Let me get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.

Everyone's cross to bears the crown they wear on endless holiday.
Everyone raises kids in a world that changes life to a bitter game.
Everyone works and fights, stays up all night to celebrate the day.
And everyone lives to tell the tale of how we die alone some day.

Let me get this straight, do you want me here?
As I struggle through each and every year.
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.

Enough!

2011-07-11T10:54:00.000-07:00

For what it worth... my misadventure this past couple of month have been a revelations... I hope that I have take something out of it and may it be useful in the future... as I am notorious for making the same mistake again...

I had a thrilling ride, I think it has reached the end (and I could be wrong again.. wouldn't be the first time)... there were ups and there were downs... I have enough of the emotional roller coaster that I am ready to take a break.. I was trying too hard, giving too much and received nothing in the end... it was worth it while it lasted but I have to end it here... and not because I am giving up (I am notorious for that as well)... it is just seems not worth the chase anymore... everyone has a limit... I have reached mine... I mean how long can you chase after something that seems to be running further in the opposite direction... and how long could you pretend that it doesn't hurt and keep on trying to bounce back without letting the melancholy of it takes over you first... you have to be over the previous chase to get back into another one...

A by-product of being on the losing end (again) is... that it make me realize that what I do for a living right now... it not what I actually wanted to do... I'm so sick of computers that I would accept a job in the industry that I love for less money.. but I do have commitments... and it is holding me back from leaving the IT industry... I hope at least in one years time I could be able to to at least settle a few of those commitment so that I could leave the IT world and start doing what I love... what is art... and that is not saying I'm any good at it... it is just something I love... I don't necessarily have to do the artsy stuff.. I could just managed it... at least it is still in the field that I loved... and it doesn't have to be only painting or sculpture... art is a lot of things... and unlike the IT industry... with art, the sky is the limit... InsyaAllah...

I can't believe how hard it is to find love in a city of 1.6 million people... hahaha...

Que Sera Sera...

2011-06-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

Entah kenaper sejak akhir - akhir nie, wa sangat bosan ngan wa punyer kerja... nak masuk office pun malas.. kadang - kadang tu seminggu, sekali ajer wa pi office... dah ler diorang tukar tempat duduk wa (actually tempat baru nie bagus lah.. tersorok... mmg sesuai untuk orang yang suke curi tulang macam wa nie).. tapi yang tak besh nyer... ade ajer manusia yang tak sedar diri ... suke sangat lepak tak cubicle gua... tak pasal - pasal, wa plak kena carik cubicle lain untuk buat keje... diorang nie memang nak suruh wa berenti keje ker... barang - barang wa pun dah banyak hilang... docking station wa entah saper la rembat... so wa pun terpakse la rembat orang lain punyer docking station... pedestal wa pun entah maner pegi entah... macam - macam harta karun ade dalam tu wei... berharge tu kalau simpan lagi 100 tahun...

Keje kat rumah pun bosan jugak sebenarnyer... lebih tido dari berkerja... bangun pun dah dekat tengah hari, login sekejap... check email, check ticket, check sistem and backup.. then if all ok.. sambung tido.. tak pun gi mandi and gi carik makan... kalo malas sangat pun... masak la nasik dan bukak tin sardin.. palign cekai pun masak maggi lah.. huhuhu... susah jugak jadik orang bujang nie... hahaha (ayat pancing nie... buwekk :P )... cuma keje kat rumah nie sampai malam kena keje... biase lah dah tak pi office rajin sket nak stay back :P...

tapi seriously lah, wa bosan giler ngan keje wa skang nie... nak lompat pegi tempat lain tapi hati ade sket sayang sama ini kerja lah (plus keje bidang wa nie pun dah tak banyak dah kosong)... maner lagi nak dapat keje yg boleh work from home... boss yang tak braper nak kisah kalau tak masuk office pun... gaji pun kire ok lah... well tak cukup dah skang nie tapi salah wa sendiri gak.. belanja cam gaji wa 5 angka plak... takpe - takpe itu pengajaran untuk wa... jangan nak belanjer cam anda seorang CEO company GLC... diorang lain arr.. asyik songlap duit rakyat ajer...

Walaupun tengah sesak, ade gak hajat di hati nak tukar kereta... hahaha... agak - agak kalau tukar kete boleh dapat awek ker ? hahaha kete sekarang dah macam kete orang ade anak 3 dah... kotor abis... seat pun dah koyak... nie sumer sepupu wa yang kecik - kecik nie punyer hal lah... dok dalam kete cam beruk... melompat lah... makan ice cream lah... nak tukar seat + a paintjob or a new car instead (a 2nd hand car pun ok lah)... silap aku jugak dulu.. patut 1st car beli ajer 2nd hand... tak payah nak beli baru... hmm... time tu mude... giler nak pakai kete... proton kater boleh amik kete tak payah bayar downpayment... wa pun terus angkat satu... 9 tahun hutang... now, amik kau... tersiksa hidup... huhuhu... que sera sera...

Straight lines

2011-06-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

I saw the movie Super 8 last week... I wouldn't say that it was everything I thought it would be... I had a higher expectation but still any movie that involve aliens fascinated me more than any other type of movies... It was the midnight show... start at 12:59AM and I was tired from work... almost felt asleep half way through it... and I had to drive all the way back to Puchong once the show is over... It was somewhere in Ampang... cheap cinema with crappy seat but at least it is easier to get tickets there than in KL... I had to push myself for the drive back home... I would have just gone to my mother place if the time wasn't 3AM... I hate to woke her up... I ended up sleeping at around 4AM... luckily the next day was Saturday... and I can't get over the fact that the alien in Super 8 looks almost exactly like the ones from Cloverfield (both film were JJ Abram's)...

Ok lah, not in the mood to write the whole movie review stuff... go ahead and watch it yourself... if you are like me... you'll love this one... I mean I have seen better alien movies..but this one is not that terrible... Elle Fanning was awesome in this one... so does the other kids... especially that firecracker kid... the alien... hmm what could I say... it looked fierce... and that it could have killed everyone... but they mixed emotion to it's character and that was a disaster (from my view anyway)... you could get away with that if your alien looks like ET (you know the friendly type not a killer type)... but when your alien is a one bad ass outer space creature... emotion is not the kind of thing you'd associate it with... I rather have the alien as a mean killing machine instead... well that just me... apart from that... the rest of the movie is for a lack of a better word... awesome...

Enjoy your weekend people...

“I am an idiot ladies and gentlemen!”

aku penat dan lapar...

2011-06-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

Semalam hari sabtu... aku melepak sampai tired tahap nak pengsan lah... huhuhu... takde wat aper sangat pun... tapi melepak sambil berkerja... (untung sungguh boleh kerja dari mana2 asal akan ade internet yg cukup laju)... disebabkan kebosanan yang amat berkerja kat rumah... dalam kol 1-2 petang wa mandi and terus head to KL... sampai jer saner wa pun carik la port yang ade wifi... nasib baik good enough connection boleh lah aku nak keje...

Aku ingat lepak KL sorang2 nie besh lah sebab mase mude2 dulu boleh ajer lepak KL sorang... konon nak layan blues la... tapi hampeh... jiwa makin kacau ade lah... aku tahan 2 jam lebih ajer... pastu aku bosan takde orang nak berborak (padahal aku hari2 dok sorang kat rumah... OK jer... tapi sejak akhir2 nie aku perasan yang aku selalu cakap sorang2... adakah itu tanda awal yang aku nak menjadi giler dah ??? ) so aku abiskan kopi yang aku rase bapak mahal tu... tutup laptop gi carik kete yg aku sendiri luper kat maner aku parking tadi... bayar parking then terus drive straight ke area kampung pandan... balik kampung jap la... jumpe mak pun bagus... ingat mak aku ade masak lah... sekali mak aku pun tak masak...malas kater dier... melopeh den nak raso masakan mak den... takpe la... ade roti so telan roti ajer la... adik aku ngan anak dier pun ade... canteek la tu... ade gak penghibur hati yang duka lara nie... anak buah aku dah pandai berlari dah skang... giler besh... sket lagi tu sure dah boleh bercakap... excited giler dapat jumpe budak kecik nie... i like kids... they are awesome... tapi esok dah pandai melawan ... maybe not that awesome anymore lah... buat kater makcik aku dlu mase anak dier kecik2... biler la wa nak ade anak sendiri nie... hahaha geram plak tgk anak buah... cute giler... rase cam nak gigit ajer... hehehe....

Rupernyer penat jaga budak kecik nie.. especially a 1 years old yg baru reti jalan/lari nie... sumer tempat dier nak pegi...tu baru dalam rumah.... bayangkan lah kalo aku kidnap dier bawak gi KL... sure mati nak jaga... hari tu bawak gi Jusco keramat pun dah rase penat nak jaga... time tu dier baru la nak reti berjalan... skang nie sure takmo dok dlm stroller arr... tapi takpe... penat camner pun aku sayang anak buah aku nie... sorang ajer... kalo ade ramai maybe tak ler sayang camnie kot... sebab dier sorang mmg spoilt lah dier...sumer org nak belanjer dier... hehehe...

Malam plak gi melepak ngan kengkawan sampai kol 1 pagi... letih siot... letih menunggu diorang...hampeh nyer kawan2... janji kol 9... kol 1030 baru sampai... hahaha... dalam kol 1 tu dah ngantuk sebab penat siang tadi... campur ngan tension ngan kerja lagi... maxis broadband sucks big time... bikin susah saya mau kerja saja... aku terus shoot lah dari ampang ke puchong sambil melawan rase mengantuk yang menguasai diri... dengan jalan MRR2 yg semakin sempit pabila malam menjelma tu... adoi... nasib baik selamat sampai puchong tanpa banyak isu... sekali sekala teruja memecut sebab ade kete lain bakar line... hehehe tapi kejap ajer la... aku bukan racer pung... tapi biler kena cucuk ngan kancil/myvi agak terbakar jugak ler... huhuhuhu... tapi diorang selalu menang sebab... hati diorang kering.. hati aku basah.. hahahaha :P

Mase driving tu jugak lah aku realise... dok puchong nie adelah satu inconvenience when it comes to friends... kawan2 aku banyak kat ampang/pandan area... so nak jumpe diorang jauh tu aku kena drive... time pergi takpe tak rase sangat...time nak balik especially kalo dah malam tu... giler malas... nak tido umah mak aku... line internet dah kena suspended sebab aku tak bayar bil... maxis broadband kat area umah mak aku mmg hampeh tahap cipan lah... dok luar rumah baru ade connection... giler aper...

at the end of the day aku tido dalam kol 3 gak.. sebab sampai umah terus sambung keje yg tergendala sket... layan tv sket sampai mater aku cakap.. "dah la tu bang... aku letih... jom tido"... letak kepala atas bantal.. terus lena (siap mimpi aku tak leh tido.. ape jenis mimpi la nie hahaha)... tau2 ajer mak aku call pagi tadi dalam kol 9 lebih suh bangun... cuci muke sket terus tgk keje... nak makan roti dah abis.. nak kuar malas...so skip la breakfast nie... breakfast ngan sebatang rokok ajer la... keje plak cam ade issue ajer... ampeh... aku baru plan nak gerak KL lagi... layan blues weh... awek ske sangat mainkan hati gua.... baik layan blues sambil tengok kerenah manusia di kota... haha... tapi memandangkan isu karut pagi nie... maybe dok umah la option yang paling baik... stable connection... ade tv and boleh baring2... so that's all for now... aku nak mandi sat and the nak pi carik lunch... lapar brader...

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." Bob Marley

i am an inconvenient

2011-05-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

I hated the fact that I'm so gullible
I hated the fact that I got myself into this hole once again
I hated the fact that I kept on repeating my mistakes
I hated the fact that I don't learn my lesson

I tried to be accomodative
but look at where it got me
I tried to be understanding
but that is becoming too unbearable

I hate this feeling
it is never amazing
I hate this longing
it is never fulfilling

I hated that I write stupid poem
Instead of something better
I hated that I actually do like her
Instead of hating the fact that she doesn't feel the same way

I am weary
and unpretty
lifeless freak
and utterly undesirable

Resistance is futile

2011-05-18T18:50:00.001-07:00

This place is dead and void of feeling
aneroxic thoughts of vomits and pukes
diabetic hearts where lonliness breeds
anabolic steroids for aspiring evil

allergic reaction to establishment
more antihistamine for the unwary minds
another streams of influenza
enough to cause a histeria

phlegm of yesterday
plague-ridden the present
polutting the future
the extiction is inevitable

A fool for love

2011-05-15T12:27:00.000-07:00

the way she sway in the wind breeze
the fact she hurts even in kind
the truth of her that I would not accept
the throbbing pain her gaze causes

that mesmerising look on my stoned face
that swirling colours that followed her steps
that sweet smell of her that lingers
that sinking feeling her absence leave behind

my heart skipped a beat in her presence
my pain heals in her proximity
my breath drew shorter at the sound of her voice
my knees buckle when she whispered the words I longed to hear

am I a fool for being this way
I guess I am for she is an angel I could not touch

“Get It Right”

2011-05-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

What have I done?
I wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?

Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser, I’ll get through this

What can you do when you’re good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

So I throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
Yeah, I’ll send down a wish. Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And then finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when you’re good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

An original song by the cast of glee...

Current wishlist

2011-05-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

I wish money grows on trees....

1. A Canon 5D mark 2 DSLR camera

2. A decent enough telescope... decent = above RM1k

3. A Macintosh desktop/laptop... I really do hate Apple but they are really ( and i mean really) good for editing videos and music... now I need to learn how to do the editing first before wasting my money here...

4. A pair of Jack Purcell shoes... a converse with a nice twist to it :) (maybe more than 1 pair, better to waste money on these than any other shoes. They are cheaper than any leather shoes... and i hate wearing shoes (except for converse))...

5. A refrigerator... haven't had one ever since I moved out of my mom's place... I need cold drinks :)

6. A capo... a very cheap thing that i have managed to buy yet because I'm a lazy person

7. Effect pedals... enough said

8. Keyboard and keyboard lessons...

9. ~~A studded belt~~.. scratch that... just got one the other day....

10. A makeover so that girls could see pass my ugliness and actually give me a chance to sweep her off her feet... hahaha dream on aboo...

Worth its weight in gold

2011-04-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

It was all worth it...

nosebleed section

2011-04-11T00:37:00.000-07:00

I'm just the guy who sits on the nosebleed section, just watching the world and all of it scandalous and wonderful magic unfolded. I wish life would give me a choice but it happened without even consulting me first... we are not given choices for the life we lead... it is all just random action and accident that leads us to this point in time... sure I thought I did make some choices... but in the end it doesn't matter... things happened for one reason or another that renders our choice void... I didn't plan to hurt anyone or being hurt by anyone but it happened anyway... it is part of living... experiencing hurt from the first day we were born... and it doesn't get any easier with experience too... what we could do is... try to make the best out of it...

I was trying not to be bitter about the whole heart brake thingy... it happened for a reason I guess... I'm trying to be understanding... in the hope that it would give me some positive in her eyes... who knows maybe one day I'd stand in good stead in her eyes... it is complicated... it shouldn't linger... but it hard to do when you see her on a weekly basis... we're on good term... well she thinks it is... and I cant hide the fact that I longed for her attention... even if it hurts... why do we keep on playing with fire even though we know we might get burnt... it is because even though it hurts... I rather get burnt than feel nothing... I guess that is why they said that the heart is the strongest muscle a human have... it cant easily over power the brain rational and logical thinking... it could push us to do something that we otherwise would not do... and when it is hurting... there are no other pain can compare to it (well maybe a kick to the jewels can hurt much more but that would only last for like a few minutes while broken heart takes longer to heal)...

OK enough of this crappy mushy posting that I would be doing every now and then... I am after all, a human despite me trying to give this aura of... I'm heart-brake-proof idiot :)

Enjoy your Monday and remember "girls... they clouds the mind... even the best falls prey" hehehehehe

I feel so... (Box car racer)

2011-04-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over

I feel so... (box car racer)

nice guys finish last (draft 1)

2011-03-31T08:51:00.000-07:00

** This post have been edited a little bit

it hurts... and before we proceed further, I just want to go on record.. I'm not saying I'm a nice guy.. no one is super nice these days... I'm no different...

I'm sure most us have heard the phrase "Nice guys finish last"... so what does that means??... is it telling us being nice will never get us far... at least when it comes to ladies... as i often heard this phrase uttered in the event of a nice dude lost a girl to a jerk... and why is that?? I know in high school most jerks gets away with the girls... while nice guys are left with nothing much... teenage girls always more attracted to the bad boys persona... we could see this in almost every high school... but after high school is done I thought it would all change for the better for us nice guys...

Well people may argue that it has change... and for the most part I agree... but I have never seen a jerk dating average girls... they always managed to get the hot girl... what is it about jerks/bad boys with hot chicks??... you know what... I give up... I know I'm not a super duper nice guy... there are things that I've done in the past that I'm not particularly super proud of... but I'm not naive... girls always go to nice guys to complaint about their jerk boyfriends, to accompany them to do their shopping (which takes hours and hours of walking and standing) and as a plan B when they are mid 30s and not married yet... I mean, come on... we, nice guys always listen to every word they say and response in an appropriate manners... we look them in the eyes instead of their chest when we talked to them... open doors for them and being super attentive but still being considered as "just friend"... and please, I'm sick and tired of "oh you're too good for me"... no one is that good... nice guys would have push the pause button on the game console in the middle of an all time high scoring game just to answer the phone and listen to girls nagging and complaining about their boyfriends... I don't get it...

Sure, most guys who are interested in a girl would do all that... I'm fine with that... but what gets me the most is those jerks or players who despite being notorious for being what they are still managed to score... I mean, are you deaf and blind ? cant you see past the bad boy aura or the good looks? this maybe be a stupid rant... but I feel for all the nice guys... I have googled the phrase all too many times and from those reading, I'm still at a lost... all the article said that things will get better... but I'm sick of waiting... at 30, good things should have happened to me already... hahaha.. oh well maybe I'm not that nice and I'm not that bad.. I'm stuck in the middle.. a grey area where girl just don't come around that much... well that just sucks... you cant take the middle ground... either be super bad ass or be super nice... and the lesser of 2 evil always ended up being heart broken (trust me , it's not the best feeling in the world. I rather take a punch in the face)... trying to balance the nice guy attitude with a little of those much sought after bad boy persona don't really for some reason unknown to me...

We are becoming obsolete, we are playing by the rules in a game that clearly favor the cheaters... life sucks and the world is unfair... "the world is an ugly place but you're so beautiful to me..."

I'm sure the world doesn't work that way... there must be a reason that science hasn't found yet... i need to do more reading... i need to be more observant and critical in my fact finding missions... and i wrote this piece of half baked post because I'm crushed, broken, blown to smithereens and utterly disappointed with what i have experience recently... so sue me for being one sided, bitter and an awesome jerk... I'm choked with grief, my heart is shattered... at this very moment my heart is the world's worse kind of weapon (this is actually a song title... "my heart is the worse kind of weapon" by the fallout boys.. awesome song by the way)

well I guess that's it for now.. until i can get more information and when I'm over this disappointment (tak tau biler la tu ekk) i will revisit this phrase and try my best to write a balance perspective..

"I really like you but I can't be the Invisible Man, I'm tired of being the shoulder, I want to be another body part, I want to use up a woman so she's ruined for all other men ... "

This place is dead and devoid of all things fun

2011-03-07T01:13:00.000-08:00

This place is dead and devoid of emotions

... and yet i found myself here again... waiting for the time to pass me by... crawling ever so slowly... greeting these unsmiling faces... forever locking horns in a battle... between freedom and the need to adhere to society cruel judging piercing eyes... this place is dead... this place is mad... this is where i make a living... tending to computers... not my ideal career but hey... someone gotta pay the bills... and frankly, i envied my friends who do what the really like and make it as a living (and that is you acid... you and that artsy aura of yours... and congrats on your solo exhibition... I'll bring my sorry ass over to bangsar this weekend)...

The place is dead and devoid of emotions... all we have is drones in cubicles... mindless shell living on SLAs, KPIs and warning alerts beeping from computer screens... I'm dead and devoid of all emotions... for I'm a drone living in a hive mind :)

Relationships between attractive women and ordinary men 'more likely to fail' (oh crap!!!)

2011-03-01T22:58:00.000-08:00

Oh crap crap crap!!! (what a fugly looking men like me have to do hahaha)

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/8353975/Relationships-between-attractive-women-and-ordinary-men-more-likely-to-fail.html

Relationships in which the woman is more attractive than the man are more likely to fail, according to research.

Scientists from Stirling, Chester and Liverpool universities found that beautiful women seem to realise they can pick and choose their mates, whereas an attractive man with a more ordinary woman seemed to be more content and less likely to stray.

The findings might come as scant consolation to Bernie Ecclestone, whose marriage to the model Slavica Ecclestone, ended in 2009. She is almost a foot taller than him and 28 years younger.

Researchers took photographs of men and women in over 100 couples, some of whom had been together for a few months, others for many years, and they were then rated on looks.

The analysis showed that in relationships pairing a "beauty" with an average man, it tended to last only a matter of months. Rob Burriss, one of the researchers, said: "This would indicate it is the woman who is in control of whether the relationship continues."

He added that beautiful women may realise they can afford to pick and choose. Conversely, the less attractive women "may have to make do with what they have, hence the longer relationships", he said. Dr Burriss said the idea echoes the Dr Hook song When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, which warns a man outshone by his woman that "everybody wants to take your baby home", as the Daily Mail noted.

The work was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Withdrawal symptoms

2011-02-17T01:37:00.001-08:00

In denial of reality
the world where the truth hurts
but the pain feels good somehow
for some odd reasons
that is beyond comprehension

That sinking feeling
The stomach is churning
The prescription is burning
the magic of the throbbing wound
my yearning knows no bound

I know I should not linger
desperation to pacify my hunger
She's my pain and also my cure
and though my intention was pure
She's the wild rose that i cant secure

where's my ability to differentiate
rejection and affection
mutilation of my acumen
An infatuation gone wrong
A mutiny against reality
bordering stupidity

A relic broken to smithereens
A heavy hearted attempt of salvation
am i beyond redemption?

maybe next time
well, there will be no next time
I'm not going into a relapse
Even if the pain is good

Torres got too big for his boots, not too big for Liverpool

2011-02-08T22:55:00.000-08:00

I wont say that I'm not disappointed to lose Torres to another team... and i wont be burning his replica jersey too (because i don't have one and because he did give us Liverpool fan a fantastic time while he was here).... But i think this article explained much of what i feel/think happened to him in the last 12 month he was here in Liverpool.

http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/opinion/columnists/david-maddock/David-Maddock-says-Chelsea-s-Fernando-Torres-got-too-big-for-his-boots-not-too-big-for-Liverpool-article693383.html

After all the debate, all the hand-wringing and all the incredible conspiracy theories surrounding the departure of Fernando Torres from Liverpool, one very good reason for the sale stands out.

The striker, undoubtedly the best in the world two years ago, seemed to let that status go to his head to the extent that he believed he was bigger than one of the most famous clubs in the world.

This is not a character assassination of Torres, and there is a certain sympathy for his situation in reaching the peak years of his career at a club in transition.

But last week, and indeed all this season and for much of the last one, there was a lingering suspicion the Spanish international had lost the grounded perspective that made him such a breath of fresh air when he arrived at Anfield.

One moment, soon after he became Liverpool’s record signing, sticks in my memory.

Approached by the media in the mixed zone of a Champions League game, he politely and carefully explained, in his best English, that he would prefer to wait to speak until his grasp of the language was better.

What stood out at that time was a clear lack of arrogance. He was – in the words of then-manager Rafa Benitez – a "nice boy, from a nice family".

There was no arrogance, no elevated sense of importance, indeed almost a shyness about him, and real politeness. He seemed able to identify with the fans, and understand the tie between terrace and turf.

That disappeared over time, to the extent that over the past year or so, when approached by the media, he wouldn’t even deign to speak while rejecting their requests, instead merely issuing a look of contempt that showed just how beneath him the idea was.

In essence, that contempt is aimed at the fans, who deserve more than dismissive refusals to talk, or the sanitised sound bites they are patronisingly thrown by players and clubs these days.

With his 27th birthday approaching, Torres believes the next three years will be the peak of his career, and he clearly believed that those three years would be spent in transition at Anfield.

But his attitude over the last 18 months and his body language on the pitch during that time seems to suggest he also believes he has a divine right to honours… whether he contributes or not.

He seemed to have forgotten that Liverpool paid him handsomely to play at one of the world’s most historic clubs, a salary, in fact, in excess of £6million a year. That money ultimately, comes from the fans who buy the tickets, merchandising and TV packages which pay for those wages.

It is my belief that Torres lost the link with the fans he understood when he arrived at Anfield.

He became so distant from them, so detached from their experience, that he lost sight of what it means to play for a big club, whether they are competitive or not.

That is why his body language was so poor on the pitch this season, and why he seemed to perform in only a handful of game.

He no longer understood how much of an insult such an attitude would be to those fans who idolised him.

For a guy earning in excess of £120,000 a week, that was not acceptable, and if that sort of money and the devotion of the fans wasn’t enough for him to perform at his peak every week, then it wasn’t just the right decision to sell him, but the only decision Liverpool could make.

Kenny Dalglish suggested as much last week, when he said he was concentrating on players who wanted to play for the club. And there are many who still want to do that.

Realistically, Liverpool will take several years under their new owners to get back to the very top again, after the problems under the previous regime. But they are still a massive club, with a massive name… and a massive pull, as the signing of Luis Suarez and Andy Carroll, two of the most promising young strikers in the world, proved.

They are bigger than the short-term pursuit of trophies, and big enough to make their best players amongst the highest paid in the world.

But if you lose sight of the link with the supporters who make football what it is, then nothing is big enough, and it is time to go.

Thank you for the memories... I hope you will be able to go back to athletico madrid and win something...

face first

2011-01-24T04:33:00.000-08:00

"Nothing good ever happen after 2 AM..."

Somewhere else?

2011-01-20T08:38:00.000-08:00

"I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
In the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take 
all by yourself..."

 Cant go back now - the weepies

Meet Billie

2011-01-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

Hey guys (and girls), meet Billie my very own Ibanez s470 electric guitar. Billie is one of my most treasured posession since I do not owned much things... Apart from my computer gears and Stella (I'll blog about Stella once I managed to give her some upgrade and a paint job), Billie is all I care about... Pretty lame right ?!! haha I know... maybe once I get a girlfriend, I will forget all about Billie and Stella (maybe not Stella :P)

This is Marshall, Billie's companion when I'm playing that awesome guitar hahaha... Marshall is a Marshall mg15dfx amplifier... I cant afford a better amp since I'm so broke these days... but this should do it... but I need to buy a better cable... the one I'm using is of a bad quality product... too many interference and noise generated... it is hard to get a clean sound... though that would not matter much not so long ago when all I play was distorted/overdriven guitar... but ever since my influence include softer sounded music, I longed for a real clean sound from my amp but the cable is really fucked up... a good cable cost in the vicinity of RM60 and upwards... My income is super low that I cant even afford that... need to start to learn to save... and not spend all my dime in things I don't really need or don't do me much good (cigarettes for one)...

There's a video of me in my Facebook profile, playing Billie (with Marshall,but he is not shown on the video) trying to cover one of Plain White T's song... it was pretty lame though since I am not really good at playing the guitar (or everything else for that matter) but hey at least I tried. Look me up if you want to see it (warning: It is pretty lame... and I mean pretty pretty lame).

"We are floating in space"

A second chance once more

2011-01-10T22:56:00.000-08:00

If i walked a thousand miles,
only to find out that,
I was walking in the wrong direction,
would i turn back and recounting my steps?

If i was tall and handsome,
loaded and charming,
have a way with the ladies,
would you open fire and leave me to bleed?

Should i overcome my ineptness,
throw away the failures of yesteryear,
start anew ready to face to world,
would you be there by the turnstiles?

A second chance once more,
where does this cycle leads to?

Should it all be different?
shall we just ignore and forget the past?
what about you and me?
what about our story?
ruined by the selling out

of pens and paper :P

Strawberry fields

2011-01-03T22:56:00.000-08:00

So it is that time of the year again... to renew one goals and make plan to actually achieve it and to look back at the last goals that were or weren't achieve... I never one to make plan... especially not a long term one... too much unnecessary pressure for me to bear... so here's a toast to all the silly, stupid and obnoxious things I have done over the last year... to all the misinterpret signals, misquoted intention, and to the one that got away... to all the sins I've committed, the good things I've done and the anger that were misdirected... let bygones be bygones and hopefully 2011 will brings much joy and happiness to us all...

Not much had been expected from2011 for me... just that I am looking forward to do some traveling this year... been working for the last 8/9 years without much to show except debts that is mounting beyond my reach, a whole bunch of stupid poems and countless of times my heart being broken (my fault by the way)... so I am definitely going to do some traveling this year... got 2 trips already confirm... maybe somewhere nearby... Vietnam or Cambodia seems good.... Indonesia too once they start to hate us Malaysian less :).. can't afford to go to Europe... or the African continent (how I would really love to visit this continent)...

For everything else... there's mastercard... makin bertambah ler hutang aku yang dah hampir sama tinggi dengan KL tower... nangis lah biler pikir pasal hutang nie...

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE
"Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see."

Even hitler had a girlfriend

2010-12-19T22:47:00.000-08:00

This is an old song (90's are great) but still a favorite of mine... :)

I still haven't found a girlfriend, though I've tried a lot
So can you help me please, it's tougher than I thought
The odds are pretty good
But the goods are pretty odd
Though at this point I'd take anything you've got

You see this all the time, nice girls in love with jerks
What could they be thinking? Tell me how it works
Yes I've got some problems
Well I wouldn't be the first
But the ones I had in mind are even worse

And even Hitler had a girlfriend that he could always call
Who'd always be there for him despite of all his faults
He was the worst guy ever reviled and despised
Even Hitler had a girlfriend so why can't I? Why can't I?

Life is full of contradictions, hard to understand
And for every happy woman there's a lonely man
Nixon had his puppy
Charles Manson had his clan
But God forbid that I get a girlfriend

Even Hitler had a girlfriend that he could call his own
To sweeten the days of bitterness and feeling all alone
I'm not as bad as Hitler but it doesn't mean a thing
Since they'd rather be with Hitler more than me, I don't see
Why they'd rather be with Hitler more that me

Even Hitler had a girlfriend by Mr. T Experience

The tumblr bug

2010-12-17T01:10:00.001-08:00

tumblr

I need to learn on how to use tumblr... I just dont know how to activate the comment/notes option... is it that confusing or am I getting old for this stuff... you know IT and internet :(...

Tumblr was not around when I was a young and eager internet user... I tried everything back then... from the typical, " how the hell to find porn on the net "(which was super easy by the way)... to programming my own websites (yeah those days i'm up for everything that's lame (still do, but not that much anymore)...

So a couple of months ago... I stumbled onto tumblr (well one of my old blogging buddies moved to tumblr actually)... a micro blogging site... and curiosity gets the better off me, without much thinking ,I registered myself for an account (oh and it's here by the way...)

It's not too shabby, great for posting pictures and a few words but blogging here is much better... kinda used to it by now... I moved blog so many times I have lost count... I started with upsaid.com in 2004 I think... then to xanga.com, then to blogdrive.com and now blogspot.com...

Ok, worthless posting today... I miss my youth so much this week that I can't really think about anything else but the past... somehow, I think my past is way better than my future... my present is a blur... hehehehe...

Oh crystal ball, quit showing me my past and show me my death instead :)

And you (walk on)

2010-12-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

I love you
I hate you
I'd lie to you
I'd lie for you
I should have not told you this

I envy you
I want to be with you
I'd die for you
I'd let you die
I would let you save me (again)

I think you're hot
I think you're not
I'd remember you
I'd forget you
I never thought it'll come to this

I adore you
I disgust you
I'd take back what I've said
I'd do you again and again
I should have never let it come to this

I should have realized
I should have said the right words
I would have done it
If only I know
That time waits for no one but itself

12:13 PM on a lovely Monday...

The aftermath is secondary...

2010-11-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

The party on the weekend was OK... would have loved for the turned out to by a bit more but it was OK for a small party... most of the attendees were my cousins and only a few friends turned up... maybe next time I'll bring some hot stripper then my friends would turn up in arms :) btu no families would be invited... hahahaha... now anyone know any good stripper... hahahaha

And I need to learn on how to estimate the food situation... by 3pm the food were almost finished.. I ended up buying a bucket and a barrel of KFC just to accommodate the shortage.. the KFC then turned to be a tad bit too much since only about 4 more guests showed up after that... hahaha

I think the distance between now and the future is not that far... it is a matter of perception... I never one to plan ahead but the older I get... the harder it is to ignore planning... is it because I'm wiser now (highly unlikely since I still feel like an idiot) or is it because I'm no longer cavalier in my undertakings? I used to not worry about the aftermath... as long as I'm the only one who will suffer or benefited from it... it's full speed ahead... any forward motion counts... :)

I missed my cavalier self... free and careless... I missed making reckless decision, making impromptu plan... I had a lot of fun during those days... hell I even suffered from some of it... but it was all worth the trouble... I missed my youth.. now more so then ever... I hate growing old... always have... always will... you know what they say "growing up is optional, growing old is mandatory"... ah I missed all the misadventure of yesteryear.. the fun, the joy and the tears... Wouldn't change it for the world... it has made me who I am today... might not be the greatest human ever to walk the earth... might just be the greatest idiot ever to roamed the planet... I am still me... for better or worse :)

Better Living Industries: the aftermath is secondary

Now in my 30s

2010-11-11T22:48:00.000-08:00

Just a little something I wrote for my 30th birthday last Wednesday... I am ancient :P

In the dead silent of the night
A lifetime of memories formed within myself

Are regurgitated, through the medium of sound

The deafening noise of the darkness that surrounds me
That bottomless place filled with rage and emptiness
I am alone with my thoughts

Falling through the never ending flashbacks
The rise and the falls, the greats and the doomed

Calling out my name,time and time again
Pushing me further to the point of no return
Spiraling away towards oblivion
I am in denial

Trying to remember the time when hope is plentiful
Replenish by the undying spirit to live on
A purpose, an aim for us to care about
And if you turned around, you'll see me
Pushing on, cheering for your glory
I can't walk away now

Can I be the only hope for you, because you're the only hope for me... ?

building a dillemma

2010-11-02T01:07:00.000-07:00

Susah jugak hidup sendiri nie.. hari2 makan maggi... tak pun roti ngan kaya...giler babas tak sedap kalo dah hari2 melantak bende yang sama... bukannyer dapur takde.. tapi tak reti nak masak... oh and i dont have a fridge to keep all the meat/fishes/chicken... huhu... need to get one fast... then maybe boleh try my hands on cooking... goreng telur reti lah... at least something different kan... :)

I got my internet and astro all sorted out... so takde lah super bosan... I need a game console and then it'll be perfect... awatlah PS3 nie mahal sangat... XBOX pun mahal... Wii, game tak braper nak besh... huhu dillemma, dilemma... susah nyer nak buat rumah jadik the best man-child's pad... hahahaha

Maybe some reading stuff, ~~some magazine with sexy ladies in it~~ (oh luper plak, this one got already... thank you FHM) and some sci-fi books since I'm a freak for everything outer space... some robots... huhu banyak nyer belanjer...

" A treat for greedy eyes..."

Prom Nite!!!

2010-10-27T00:15:00.000-07:00

... Was at Shangri-La over the weekend... helping a friend with the PA system and audio support the band performance... backbreaking work but it was worth the effort... I wish I could be on stage rocking it out... but I guess my time to be on the spotlight are over... those kids who were performing for their "before SPM so-call prom night" did good... they could have been better with a little more practice (not that I am any good)... I never had such thing... prom night that is... it is not a tradition here... plus I only went to a normal public school unlike these guys (all guys boarding school)... prom night is arranged (their alumni help with the financial need..super cool) and is part of their school tradition (minus the ladies)... our prom night is arrange between ourselves and I did not even bother to attend it (it was expensive... and I do not have that kind of money)

Nevertheless, some of the teacher there are HOTTTTTTT, I bet I would be a great student if my teacher were as hot... actually I did have a teacher that was hot... she taught me add math... for a few months... and from a hopeless student... I turned my results into an A... which is an achievement in itself (since I gave up on add math all together before my SPM).... but that teacher left and my results was back to F in no time... hahaha... but that is ancient history... you do need straight A's to be successful... hahaha OK that's a lie.... straight A's gets you places... straight B's get you places too but it takes a bit more time... :)

I guess being surrounded by school kids and teachers brings back some memories... a lot of those are good ones... I miss my high school days... sure I was not the clever kid or the coolest kid in school... all the nice and pretty girls are more attracted to jerks (what is that all about?? I guess jerks gets the best girl)... being the ordinary kid means you are less likely to get laid or have a date to prom... hell, even nerds gets the girl... I guess I'm just unlucky when it comes to the opposite sex... and it has been more than 10 years since I left school... my luck has not change at all... BUMMER!!!!!!!!

And I try to stay away from anything that connects me to my school, except my friends... a lot of awesome memories... but I hate those bullies... those kids who are screams and kicked you around only when you are in the school ground... outside of it they are just pretenders... what a bunch of idiots... I'd like to see where you are now....

enough of the bad experience... I'm going to drown myself in those sweet memories... and I still adore that girl I saw back in 1997... (she just got married recently)

" that girl got love like woe..."

Sally waited too long...

2010-10-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been wandering to the far reaches of my mind in the last few weeks... I know this is rather normal for me to wander off into those places... Although, usually not for a long period of time... but it is what it is... I'm beginning to understand some things and still at a lost for words on other things... I started to look for plans for my future... it is something I prefer not dabble about previously... I like to cross that bridge when I feel like I want to... future is yet to happen, worrying too much about it seems useless... or so I thought lah... but I cant hold it off anymore... something needs to be plan ahead... not all but some... and I guess the time is now to start to plan a bit... life is less interesting when it is planned but hey some risk are just not worth it.. :)

I'm moving out to live on my own starting today... the new place is still not complete but I guess it is good enough to live in... I need that refrigerator, that washing machine and I need to find a way to bring my bed to my new place... apart from that I think it is good enough... I slept there for a night last week... doesn't seems so scary... no ghouls, no bad dreams and no whispers... just that damn acid reflux (heartburn) that I experienced from time to time... must be something I ate...

Work has become too routine... though for the next 7 weeks, there will be a lot of changes done by the database team... the timing of the changes sucks big time... I had to stay back for hours just to help them... so instead of coming in early in the morning, I come in a bit late... hahaha

I need some stimulation to get me going again... been sitting on my ass for far too long... maybe moving out of my mom's place would be the kick on the backside that I needed... horoscope, they are just taking a shot in the dark, though some of it seems to hit close to home... it is a matter of interpretation... if you want it bad enough, you'll make sense of it all.... I choose not to believe all of it... just those that seems to have the right tone to it... the rest is just crap... utter nonsense written in a confusing way so that people can relate, even if it is just a shot in the dark...

Have a great week ahead people...

I still adore that white telecaster...

you is over

2010-09-23T01:25:00.000-07:00

don't really know, don't really care
a fork in the road, leads to nowhere
funny how things, reveals the untold
secrets sworn, and reality sets in

you had never cared, when it is what it is
but now that it is over, you cry foul
kicking and screaming, like it meant something to you
away with your fakes, i got what it takes

solemnly strays, for what it may be
out with the old, in with the new
your hold, no longer strangled me
I'm free, I'm so ready

and then she said " Dude, you will never be able to forget me"
touche...
but that is so true (to a certain degree)...

3 weeks later... and that sentence lost it's momentum and the phrase " out of sight, out of mind" never makes more sense than it is now...

Adios Cinderella, you're history...

I'm chasing no shadow now...

Eat your heart out...
revenge is sweet...

Altar of shame

2010-08-12T08:31:00.000-07:00

I stood still, and for a while,
time flies ever so slowly, waiting,
giving me room to breathe, to inhale,
the fresh new beginning, and to exhale,
the torment of yesteryear, a time not too long ago,

I picked up the pieces, buried in the sand of time,
placing them one by one, on the altar of shame,
so cold and bitter, it fills the air with animated taunts,
I gave up on us, we were never really together,
the love is dead, the heart charred beyond recognition,

I'll leave my room, open till sunrise,
for you, and if we ever crossed path,
turn your back and walk away,
I don't want you to see me, faltering,
I'm so lost, without you,

You are the ghost, my only venom,
never alone, but at times, lonely,
Are you afraid of being alone?
haunt my dreams, I am not waking up,
I cry for the times I thought I had you

snail mail

2010-07-22T21:00:00.000-07:00

Setelah hampir give up menunggu, akhirnya Jumaat yang lalu surat yang aku tunggu selama ini pun tiba... nope not the LHDN letter containing some cheques... wont get that until i review my tax declaration (which is going to take a while because i cant find my receipts and most probably will have to forfeit my claims)... it is a letter with the title " VP notice"... freedom awaits me... not that far away now... I can almost taste it.. :)

Took a day off yesterday to settle some issues with the bank and made appointment to pick up the keys from the developer... man, i cant wait to move and live on my own... the sheer boredomness of living on your own with no one to talk to... am looking forward to that very much... managed to get the appointment before the fasting month started... hopefully takde defect la even though from the forum, most of the residents cakap banyak defect... hopefully i'm the lucky few lah... i want to move in as soon as i can... and provided there's internet connection and Astro i'm all set for a new chapter in my life as a loser... and please let there be no ghost... i hate ghost ... huhu

Next Monday is the DR drill so wish me luck... i'm going to need it :)

Yang kian mati

2010-07-12T21:14:00.001-07:00

Ku pejamkan mata hati
dari sepi dan sinaran sang mentari
agar kau dapat mengerti
yang dunia ini tiada simpati
buat mereka yang sering lari
dari terus menempuhi hari
yang penuh dengan onak dan duri

Tiada untung dan juga rugi
asal usaha sepenuh hati
biarlah perit tetap ku gagahi
membakar semangat yang kian mati

Hidup ini hanya sekali
peluang datang dan juga pergi
jangan kau sesekali menghindari
apa yang datang dengan sendiri
jangan sekali kau sesalkan apa yang di ambil kembali
tiada yang selamanya kecuali mati

nightmares of you

2010-07-05T08:06:00.000-07:00

OK, most of the people I know, knows I suffer from this... telephonophobia... so I decided to read about on the net to see if I am actually suffer from it... and guess what... I am suffering from it... it is a part of social anxiety to which I also suffered from... and I thought I was born a healthy baby... who would have guess that a great technology like the telephone could give him/her nightmares...

I used to hate answering the phone when I was younger...but now I can at least answer my own phone... (I'm the last person in my circle of friends to adopt the mobile phone... and that was because I need to have a phone so I can apply for jobs)... but I'm still very hesitant to answer my office phone... every single time it rings it gives me a knot in my stomach... and the knot get even worst when I have to make a call... business or personal... I'd picked up a call any day over making a call to strangers... sometime even calling a friend is hard... to me calling is even harder than receiving a call... at work ,I usually will assign someone else to do the calling... give me the harder technical stuff to work on than making a phone call...

Suffering from social anxiety (and telephonophobia) is crippling and it prevent you from living your life to the fullest... it explain a lot of things in my life... why I rather stay at home than going to party full of strangers... why my home phone is never plugged in (it is always plugged in to the modem so I can hooked up the the internet where I feel most comfortable)... why went I did ask a girl that I like for her phone number but I will never call her at least until we have chatted enough in real life or on the internet to make me comfortable to call her... I'm a weirdo and a loser... and that's explain the lack of romance in my life... but then again, blaming it all on a disorder is as lame of an excuse as it can get... but hell I'm already lame... what different does that makes...

Now I wonder, what other disorder that I might suffer from... I know I'm acrophobic (that why I don't fancy working in a high rise building), claustrophobic (I avoid lift/elevator if I can)... hmm what else... not too sure if I'm hydrophobic... I mean I hate deep water because I cant swim and sharks... I'm not afraid of water itself... not xenophobic that's for sure... I can talk to strangers (guys mostly... girls they scare the hell out of me)... I just hate making calls to strangers... face to face... no problem at all... I'm maybe batrachophobic/bufonophobic because I sooo hate frogs and most of amphibians... I do not hate being alone... though you do need company else you'll go insane... I may not be able to fly... but I like flying... just as long as I don't look down... I'm okay

So anyway, this is supposed to be just about my telephonophobia and my social anxiety as well as my panic attack but comes to think of it... man do I suffers from a lot of disorder... I'm a loser with lots of baggage... no wonder I'm alone... hahahaha

have a great week ahead people...

lost in the middle

2010-06-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

So, the last of the Asian team in the World Cup has been eliminated... even if I personally think they did played well, created the best chance without having much possession of the ball... and that is saying a lot... in football, it's not how much time you had on the ball that counts... its what you do with it (probably relevant to life as well)... They lacked a natural finisher who would instinctively get into good position to score, drift out-wide to create opportunity for others and hold the ball long enough for the midfield to join in the attack...

Defensively, they are great, which proved once again... size does not matter in football... Paraguay find it hard to break them and on occasion when they did break the defend, the goalkeeper is well position and the quality of the finishing of the Paraguayan forwards was nothing better than the Japanese... although they do have a much better forward-line compared to the Japanese...

In midfield is where Paraguay edged the Japanese... not because of they were better in term of quality but because they hold much of the ball during the match... meaning the Japanese midfield were often left with much chasing to do... Even by playing with a single striker and filling up their midfield, the Japanese midfield were overrun by the Paraguayans...

To go out to a penalty shootout is no shame... penalty kicks are a gamble... sometime you get it sometime you miss... Asian in general do not makes good striker... or at least I have seen none... hopefully things will change for the better... for what we lacks in skills we make up in determination... just ask the Koreans... :)

Time different = disaster

2010-06-28T02:17:00.000-07:00

"Adoi, sakit, cilakak, ampeh, pandainyer lah aku, matilah, memang suwey lah..." Itu lah perkataan yg bergema dalam hati aku biler aku ternampak screen chat Microsoft Office Communicator aku terpapar tepat jam 2:40 waktu Malaysia tadi... " Did you manage to get on the conference call for the IMAC..... " ayat terpampang kat chat windows tu... shit!!! is it today?? adoi celaka lah... otak aku pun dengan sepantas gaban tukar baju perasai buat kire2... beza KL dengan east hub ade lah 12 jam kalau takde daylight saving... minggu lepas aku kire2 kalau pukul 2AM Eastern time on Monday = 2 petang KL on Tuesday ... nampak sangat gua ni bangang... kan ke salah tu... kalau beza 12 jam... 2 petang KL on monday = 2 pagi senin kat east hub US... mangkuk, bodoh bangang... adoi mati lah aku... selepas cakap sorry kat mamat omputih yg tolong ingat kan gua tu (pasal dier kena call pepagi bute ngan customer cakap gua tak join meeting/conference call)... gua pun dail la nombor yg diorang bagi kat email tu... "thank you for using AT&T service... bla bla bla, please enter your conference code follow by the hash or pound key"... gua pun dengan confidencenyer tekan... sekali salah?? eh.. bukan gua patut jadik leader ker... shit... dah ler lambat... sial lah... masukkan ajer lah participant code... boleh plak... huh lega... masuk jer conference terus cakap " maaf ler kawan2 ... saya pening... confuse ngan time different nie... maklum ler, saya memang jarang layan conference call nie..." fuh nasib baik diorang ok... kalo tak mati ler... so dah lebih kurang 45 minit lewat nie... diorang pun terus down kan application... unlock and release sumer DB files then suh gua backup Db nyer directory...

Setakat backup DB file... tak susah kot kater hati gua... hari jumaat lepas gua dah edit satu group nie untuk this specific task lah... sabtu hari tu gua dok tukar2 setting sket... takut ade buat salah ker hari jumaat tu... so gua pun run kan lah itu group... 10 minit gua tunggu tapi takde aper files pun dier backup... ni tak btol nie... cilakak... aku pun stop backup tu... check balik configuration... hmm... mesti tak specify media pool nie... aku nie mmg peluper ker aper... sial sungguh, 2/3 minggu nie asyik luper ajer... aku telan semut banyak sangat ker??? sekali tak leh edit media pool mase backup tgh running lah... sekali lagi adoi!!! another shit!!! tadi seblom gua start backup gua dah kill 3 backup dah... maklum ler tape drives tak cukup... so kena kasi bunuh lah itu backup session yg gua rase kurang important... takkan nak bunuh lagi yang lain... tinggal yg penting2 ajer tuh... pikir punyer pikir sekali aku rase paling baik edit group lain yg dah mmg ade media pool dah setup... nasib baik mmg banyak group lama yg aku tak delete and still boleh guna... dengan tak cool dan confidence aku edit monthly backup nyer group... edit scheduler dier skali and pow... run terus... nasib baik la jalan... kalo failed jugak, aku bunuh diri...

Sambil backup running, mamat ngan minah salleh nie pun berborak ler... small chat... pasal taufan... pasal oil spill, pasal nenek dier ade boyfriend, pasal polis kena tembak.... gua layan dengar ajer lah .. nak join gua maner la tau... oil spill tu gua tau la tapi cam tak kena ajer nak join... so wa dengar lah diorang borak2... lawak sial nenek dier ade boyfriend... way to go granny :)... aku ske plak mamat tu balas " well, we are human after all"

Tapi lepas sejam diorang suh stop itu backup... backup tak cukup laju kater nyer (lebih kurang 30 minit baru 28 GB backed up)... ye lah ade beraper backup tgh running... sumer berebut resource dari master server dan jugak dari network... so diorang kater application tak leh down lelamer... ramai org nak pakai... ok lah ... selamat gua... tu pun baru backup ajer... blom restore... pasal part 2 of this task kena restore kat server lain plak...

Tapi gua rase cam berslaah ajer, eventhough diorang kater kalo start sharp at 2AM eastern time blom tentu dapat abis dalam mase 2 jam... aku kire2 pun... paling awal boleh habis 2 jam 20 minit... tapi itu estimation ajer... tak de guarantee gak... resource kena share aper mau buat .. lain arr sumer backup lain stop buat nie satu ajer then boleh ler laju sket...

Korang rase aku kena buang keje ker??... sure kena lah nie... adoi... mati ler camnie... camner lah gua boleh luper nak check bebetol timing meeting nie... ampeh... bulan depan DR drill plak... mau mampos camnie... oh well i'm not going to be around dfor the DR lah if they decided to fired my ass... hahaha

So hari nie confirm lah last day gua kat sini... been a blast y'all... saper ade keje kosong bak mai... gua dedicated, fast learner and desperate.... hahahahaha.... no seriously... ade keje tak??

Fire away

2010-06-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

"That's it... I'm giving up" read my Facebook status update... it was not a downright suicide note or anything... I was actually trying to stay awake for one of the Argentina world cup game at 2:30am but my eyes weren't having any of it... no cooperation at all... so I wrote that status update a fell asleep within minutes after that... a friend asked me about it after a few days... I think he misunderstand the meaning... although giving up on everything related to my life was always in the back of my mind... If I do not have any financial commitment to adhere to... I just might just give up... not on being alive though... but on everything else lah... :)

I think July (and the last week of June) is going to be really hard... I had 3 project to deal with... 2 of it can be consider a major ones... a DR drill (which I screwed up badly the list time I was involved in it (which was my first time)... a phase that I call "career suicide move")... and an upgrade for one of the master server... this one I have no experience with and I'm kinda scared... you know being a pessimist and all... sometimes I wonder if my boss is asking a bit too much of me... without any proper documentation and training or certification... I know what better way to learn than by actually doing it but this is a production environment... any mistake could cost the customer a bomb... I mean I had kind of the big picture of how I'm supposed to handle the upgrade... but you can bet that ridiculously big salary of yours, that something will go astray and I will be clueless of what to do... production environment has the tendency to screw up when you least expecting it... oh well lets not worry about it too much yea... the more you worries the more it will be a burden...

Okey... I think I need to get out for a while... Uruguay and the USA will moved on to the quaver final I hope... am going to call my friends for a game of snooker or two...

killers and doctors

2010-06-07T20:47:00.000-07:00

Gone to the movies last night... just because I need to scratched the itch... hahaha have not been to the movies for quite a while... but eventually made a mistake in choosing aston kucher + katherine heigl over jake gylenhaal + emma atherton (btol ka ini namer actress dier, malas sungguh mau google)... Killers is very boring and predictable....

The plot line is so like "I've seen this somewhere"... the climax is not so great... the comedy is not that funny... I chuckle at best... and it is so predictable... feel like leaving the cinema after an hour or so... well that's probably just me but hey feel free to torture yourself... at least you'll get to see heigl's boobs (or half boobs) in 1 scene... :) now that is worth the price for 1 ticket I'm sure... hahahahaha

I'm feeling under the weather today so I decided to work from home.. might go and see the doctor and ask for an MC... I hate to see the doctors... they'll find a way to poke you or stuck things down your throat.. and I hate that... luckily there's like a tonnes of paracetamol medicine at home... that my heal the fever but for the flu, I need to go to the doctors... man I wish I can self diagnose and buy the medicine... oh wait ... I can actually... I know I got a flu, a cough and a sore throat... and not that much of phlegm... I wonder if they sold Loratadine in the pharmacy... is it a control drugs? it might I think... because of the pseudoephedrine content... I need strong medication... so doctor jugak ler camnie

celibacy ends

2010-05-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

The school holiday is coming real soon... so as usual, the school holiday comes with the wedding season... or musim orang kawin lah... in the first week itself aku dah dapat 2 invitation kawin dah.. satu kat melaka and satu lagi kat bangi... turn aku??? hahahaha ntah ler... nampak gaya macam lambat lagi ajer... bukan takmo tapi takde chance... hahahaha

So anyway, lama sangat dah aku tak update anything real on this blog... writer's block?? nahhhh... aku tewas dengan sifat malas aku... tapi itu lah... aku nak cuba be more pro-active... hopefully in the coming months... banyak ler perkara yg menarik jadik dalam hidup aku yg sememengnyer membosankan nie... i need to start using that camera i bought a couple of months back... at least kalo takde citer nak post .. boleh post gambar ye tak ???

Nobody likes Monday if they're honest... I am no different... but for what it worth... have a great day :)

the hate protocol

2010-05-25T02:04:00.000-07:00

I look through the window beside my cubicle... it's feels like being stagnant... everything stopped... I wish for the rain to come... ease this unknown weary I feel inside... the sneaky evil malice that would eventually makes you do things you'll regret...

and then there's her... the very thing that should never re-appear but she did... and I thought I have been liberated... how wrong was I... the temptation to stop everything and start over again is overpowering... leave all the things I have built for the past 2/3 years just because I cant handle her??... I could just be a jerk and tell her off now could I?... or I could be a gentlemen and reason with her... even though the last time I did that... she still insisted on harassing me on a daily basis... it's not because I hated her... I just cant handle her clingy-ness (is there such a word??)... and I really thought I like clingy girl... how wrong was I... if this green monster ever show it's ugly face I will probably just be a jerk and tell her off.. or be a coward and let my friends do it for me... I just don't want to be associated with her anymore... you and me... we are just too freaking different to actually survive the emotional roller coaster that comes with being in a relationship... lets leave it there... no point going over the same facts over and over again... it read the same way upside down... we were never meant to be... or at least I seems to think so...

in honor of despair... the shining light in an otherwise dying world

2010-05-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

“This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you”

Early morning girl

2010-05-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

Sometime early this morning, my sister gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl... so that makes me a proud uncle.. huhuhu...

A very big welcome to the world lil' baby girl... I'm going to be the best uncle you'll ever had...

I should probably start thinking about having one myself... unfortunately I cant find a girl that would actually likes me enough to marry me... hahahaha

I wonder if my sister would let me named her daughter... now that would be awesome... hehehe

when the cold nights seems bereft of joy
you came and brings us warmth and happiness
cries of awes echo through the sand of time
so suddenly, even the stars do not have time to realign

burning the midnight oil

2010-04-27T10:51:00.000-07:00

experience the joy it brings... the moments that would last an eternity... a fight that would make others turn green in jealousy... enjoy the pleasure it brings

laugh at the silly jokes even when it doesn't make any sense... smile at the mere sight of her presence... when colors are monochrome... everything is in black and white... except for the both of you...

Share those treasured moments of each other company... while it last... because for all the fun and joy... happiness is a temporary state of mind... once reality set in... you are nothing but 2 strangers trying to make it work...

pessimist as i am... reality bites... we both know that misery loves company...

blind as i choose to be... expect the truth to hurt... even the optimistic ones...

the truth in my lies... and the lies in my truth... both are open to interpretations...

I am merely writing in the comfort of my fort.. stone cold heart with bloodshot eyes...

I need to get myself some sleep... hahahahaha :P

Epitaph

2010-04-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

Are we dying by the suffocating grip of fascination?

Is infatuation a crime punishable by breaking the heart of one self?

Are you tired of this proverbial mundane ordinary routine of living a life worthy of dying?

Is falling for someone an unconscious reaction to being alone?

Where is the wiser when answers are no where to be found?

What will become of us if we keep on wondering?

When is this quest for explanation is going to end?

subtlety and not aristocracy

a shinning light in the face of mediocrity

break me free of this complacency

I don't want to be just another face in the crowd

Don't want to lead another meaningless consumer driven life

I'm tired of breaking someone else's fall

I'm done with playing the role of a mole

a caffeine laden drink and cocaine lined utensils

tell me if I'm telling an untruth

It ends tonight when the darkness turn to light

I'm sorry but I cant give you what you're asking of me

Lazy chair blues

2010-03-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

Well another weekend's gone without me doing anything worth mentioning... and another one is coming up real soon... It has been ages since I've done anything worthy of my time... I'm getting lazier by the day... am not doing anything I like... most of the time... If I'm not on call... I'd be sleeping or driving around aimlessly trying to figure out what the hell am I supposed to do with the time that I had... I need a new hobby... I got myself an entry level, second hand DSLR camera a few weeks ago (on a cheap from a friend who have lost all interest in taking pictures... he love his fishing activity more hehehe)... was thinking that I can finally start taking pictures as a hobby since I've been fascinated by the activity for quite a while... unfortunately, it have been weeks and the camera still sit in the corner of my room doing nothing at all... I took like 5 pictures on it and that is it... it's not that I don't like taking pictures... but I don't really know how to operate the freaking thing... point and shoot camera is easy... DSLR, not so much... maybe I'm just dumb.. hahahaha... This weekend there's a paintball event going on for my department (or team rather)... would love to capture some of the moment there... hopefully I would be able to operate it... or else, I need to jumpe all my kaki foto balik to learn on how to operate the freaking D40...

The break when pretty bad... I really wasn't expecting it to be that bad... so much for an easy break that I was looking for... I cant fake my feeling... but she was adamant that she was not given enough chances... yeah maybe true... but it had to end... I'm running out of feeling faster than I could think... I hope karma don't come back and bite me in the behind for this... huhuhu... I really do think this is for the better...

I had some issue with my financial... well if you can call it an issue... people need to pay me back my money... giving loans to some people have become a problem because they just don't want to pay me back... mati ler camnie... luckily payday is just around the corner... else I'd be force to ask for a loan from some other people pulak... dammit!!!

".. there's something to be done, something to be found, something goes around,... so I'm waiting for the summer"

Another lesson learn in time

2010-03-02T07:43:00.000-08:00

For the first time in my life, I initiated a break up... it would be nice if it does not have to end this way.. but i can't lie to myself anymore... staying together do more harm than good for the both of us... it has to end while we are still trying to learn about each other... if I let it go any further,... the hurt, the pain and the hate is going to get even worse... so I did it.. I was trying to do it as good as it can be... I guess it turn a bit ugly still... what do you expect??... no one likes to get dump... not even a loser like me... (and I've been dumped for more times than I'm willing to admit... OK rejected is more like it :P )

Arguing is not going to make it better... and I'd rather take all the blame than trying to proof that it was never meant to be... call me a liar if you will... I know you would not see it from my point of view... that's OK... who knows I might even regret this later in life... but at this moment I just can't go through a relationship that feels like a rope that is pulling me down...

I wish you well...

and i will never tell

because this is just a farewell

and we are not in hell

It took too much to conjure a conversation... how can this work???

2010-02-17T11:18:00.000-08:00

I think I've made a mistake... at least part of me feels that way... I feel it takes too much effort to make it work... I'm a lazy person and I'd rather be in a relationship where it just fit just nicely instead of pushing hard to make it fit.. I don't know... I mean.. if it is worth it, then you'd do everything to make it fit... but sometimes it is just too much of a hassle to make it fit... I know I have been sooo wrong so many times in the past... but I just don't feel it this time around... I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel forced to be in it... it is bad for both physical and mental health... should I give it another chance even when I don't think it'll work ? I rather not waste any of our time trying to fix an impossible equation...

Now, how do I tell her???... I have never initiated a break up before... not because all my relationship before this works well... most of it never got off the ground... and those, which had potential ended prematurely... usually because of my takutness to confess or the moment has just passed ( I waited too long... usually because I was afraid I am misinterpreting the sign) and it is fruitless to even try... One ended because I was having another go at another girl ( come on when you're 16 and 2 girls showed interest... you'd want both of them.. it'll make you look cool with your peers.. haha.. too much testosterone lah last time... I lost both in the end... so no win there...)

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.”

what's your secret, chuck??

2010-02-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

For some reason the weekend seems longer than usual... it usually passes by in a blink of an eye... but the past weekend was a little longer... for some reason time ticks so slowly and i am feeling the pace declining all around me... am i going senile ?? or something is bothering me??... i don't think so... life is kinda peachy... what the hell is wrong with me this weekend...

=========================================================================================================================

Things happened when you are not expecting it to happen... and when it happen, you are almost every time caught unprepared and by the time you realized that it caught you off-guard it is already too late to make amend... I guess that is why they said "Be careful of what you wish for"... huhu... the beauty of life... the surprise, the pain and the hope...

All of the sudden... I am in a situation that I'm totally unprepared for... do I just get on with it... should i stopped it before its too late ?... even i can't answer that... i think I'm just going to get on with it... see how it penned out... if it is a mistake, well another lesson learnt...

Storm in a teacup

2010-01-28T20:32:00.000-08:00

I wish i could have been a better conversationalist...

I wish i could conjured a topic out of thin air...

I wish i could break the spell you had on me so i could be less of an idiot when I'm with you

The truth is... You scared the hell out of me...

I wish i could make a decision and not think of the consequences...

I wish i could be more impromptu with my call instead of trying to plan every single aspect of it (even though i usually hate to plan... you had that effect on me)

I wish i could make you laugh more often

The truth is... You makes me try... which is something i don't usually do

Does it pay to wait for the next one to come when there is no guarantee the one you are craving for would come at all???

This close to a mid life crisis ?? hardly worth the wait... might as well make the best out of the present situation and hope the the one turn out to be this one...

There are no guarantees in life... so what does that mean?? it is OK to gamble???

life is confusing...

Stuck between a rock and a hard place....

nah not really... I'm just making a tempest in a teapot... you know me...any reason to hyped up an ordinary situation... because that how i roll.. hahahaha ok ok merapu lebih2 plak....

Hujung minggu yang amat bosan

2010-01-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

While most people looks forward to the weekend... Aku pulak dah tak sangat eksaited dengan weekend... the only good thing about weekend adalah.. aku tak perlu nak bangun awal untuk pergi keje.. but lately.. semua on call duty diorang suh aku buat.. mak aih... almost 1 and a half month aku keje on weekend.. tapi biler claim reject... aper lancau???... nak suruh orang buat keje bayar lah... nak reject2 plak.. macam sial.. bengang sial .. dah ler kena keje.. tak dibayar pulak... inilah nasib keje kuli.. nak marah takut kena buang keje... nak maki boss.. some time boss tak salah..HR yg reject claim... diorang ingat diorang cantik sangat kot suke hati reject2 claim kitorang... well some mmg cun tapi tak justify lah tindakan nak reject claim kami pekerja kuli nie... silap2 ade hari nanti diorang makan kasut... ini lah dier nasib apabila company tempat anda berkerja telah dibeli oleh company yg lebih besar.. dan dengan kadar segera segala bende yg boleh di cut costnyer diorang implimentasi tanpa pikiaq btol2... dulu mase old management.. claim ok ajer... berebut org nak buat on call sebab carik duit lebih sket... new management sucks!!!!

I got myself a smart phone about 2 weeks ago.. and i guess it is true what they said " only smart people can use smart phones" hahahaha... until now aku masih tak reti guna smart phone.. leceh btol... pakai tepon nokia jugak yg besh.... well... i guess it would takes some time to get use to it... plus kena lah campur org2 yg guna smart phone baru ler tau camner nak guna ye tak... kalo tak mmg tak berkembang ler otak... huhuhu... hajat nak pakai Apple ~~ipood~~ iphone tapi aku menyampah ngan Apple nie... camera sket nyer cekai... tak patut btol.. tak kena ngan harge dier yg super mahal... even the latest iphone available here pun takde front camera for video call ? harge dah ler 2 ribu lebih... pikir sendiri la.. kalo duit mmg banyak lebih ok ler.. tapi kalo cukup2... tak payah ler...

Latest addiction skang nie??? latest FM game... FM2010 and online shopping... besh ler pulak browse barang2 kat blog and forum.. murah pun murah... kelabu la mater tgk mende2 yg dijual... kalau ler ade duit sumer aku nak.. tapi takde duit.. so tgk ajer la... hehehehe

The sentinels of revenge clad enemies.

Obligatory and disappointment

2010-01-13T00:57:00.000-08:00

This is my supposedly new year entry... it is obligatory to do this... oh well not really but everyone is doing it... i guess since it is still January.. this could be counted as the new year post.... plus i only have 1 post for 2010 so far ...

looking back at 2009.... what have i accomplished?... nothing much really... still at the same job.. at the same company... at the same rank... and still hanging out at the same place i sued to frequent back in 2008... so in a simple way to put it... 2009 is..., well the same as 2008... nothing major... the only different from 2008 that i notice is that i actually travel out of my country... even if it is just Singapore... who cares... the last time i was in Singapore is when i was like 8 or 9 years old... that's 20 years ago...

On my personal life... it is still the same... nothing major again there... now maybe in 2010 something major or at least half major will happen to me... ok how many new people i have met last years... quite a lot and hopefully the numbers double this year.. so my circle of friend will grow even bigger... how may movies i watched last year... maybe 1 or 2... at most 4.. can't really remember since i don't go to the cinema that often... well that is going to change this year... i can assure you that...

I don't think i went to any concert last year... and this year was supposed to start with bang since green day... my favorite band of all time is coming to Singapore.. but heck... my circle of friend is so small that i cant even find 1 friend to come and join me... well to be honest there was a few who was interested but other commitment make it hard for them to come and enjoy green day... now i would have gone alone if they were playing in KL... but my fear of traveling on my own is getting the best of me... damn how i wish i had the courage to just go at it all on my own.. but i just can't... still reeling from the disappointment... I'm sad about this.. that's for sure...

broken and shattered into pieces

2010-01-11T23:37:00.000-08:00

"Sorry lah, I tak dapat join you lah. Ada kerja, tak bleh nak cuti... very2 sorry yer" (ayat standard kawan2 aku when bailing out on me...huhu )... dan dengan itu hancur lah harapan aku untuk pergi tengok Green Day live in Singapore... sungguh kecewa... my idols is coming here (well Singapore but it is close enough) and I cannot even find at least 1 person to go to Singapore with me... now that is just sad... Ingatkan dapat lah aku cancel one of the item in my bucket list... tapi aper kan daya... as much as i love green day (and i do love them alot ever since i was 14).. i just can't bring myself to go there alone... if only the concert is in KL... I dont mind going alone.. but Singapore?? alone ??? that is just sooo not me... adeh kaciwa sungguh.... i bet getting dumped felt a lot better than this... so sad.. so freaking sad i could smoke a pack of cigarette in a few hours time... huhuhu... if only i have money (lots and lots of it) ... I'd pay for my friends expenses... tapi aper kan daya... aku tak cukup kaya... so close but yet so far... I'm sorry billie joe... i'd kill to see you guys perform... but my fear of travelling alone is getting the better of me... plus it is no fun going to a concert alone...

I'm going to cancel my other concert trip down south la macam nie.... it wouldn't be fair for me to go to the killers, Muse, Paramore or Boys like Girls when i can even bring myself to go and watch green day... hopefully silverchair and blink182 will eventually reach our shores in the near future (KL lah hopefully... traveling to Singapore still cost a bomb and i do not earn that much)... but frankly... there is no substitute for green day... sure i love silverchair and blink 182... but i love green day more... please wake me up when january ends....

Song away

2009-12-22T09:04:00.000-08:00

-- I think I like revival --

Make me a deal and make it good for me
I wont get full of myself, coz i cant afford to be
This is small town music, this is big town music
He's ahead of his time you know but, he cant use it
If only he could prove it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Hey

See what your man has done to the world
see what the world has done to your man
You know im leaving you, you dont need me
Lovin you wasnt always so easy

This is believe me music, this is forget me music
This is who can love me you know, this aint no roxy music
This is new form music, this is old form music
This is i paid attention not some makes his prediction music
Oh he could let me use it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Not wanting to write a truthful song over an eighties groove
I like to let you know I'll always be straight with you
I stole my personality from an anonymous source
And I'm gonna pay for it too, I dont feel bad about that
Give me my chance back

This is on the rise music, this i novelty music
This is who can blame music, I dont get fooled by it
This is where dyu go music, this is come home music
This is down to the wire I'm such a perfect angel music.
Who really tries

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

This is success music and whats it to ya?
My lawyer always says these are the fact about the future well

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

the tale of being this close to the big three zero

2009-11-08T19:34:00.000-08:00

So by tomorrow I will be 29... it will be another 1 year before that big 30 comes and take me to a whole new place... not really something I look forward to... I don't know what it is.. but 30 kinda scare the hell out of me...

A friend of mine once said that.. in life there are 3 stages... it started once you completed your education.. the first 10 years will be your "looking/searching" stage... it is where you look for what you wanted to do in life and how to get it... the second one will be the "do it" stage.. this is where you strife your best to get what you wanted in life and give it all you got to achieve it... the last one is the "enjoy your fruit of labour" stage... as the name suggested... this is when after all that have been said and done... you can relax and reaped the benefit of the work and effort you have put into your life...

My friend divide the stages into 10 years each... and he started at 20 when you are young and most of the time don't know what you really wanted in life... (how true...) So by using his method, this year is my last year to actually seek what I really wanted in life...

I guess I am still a blur when it comes to what I really wanted to do in life... all I know is... now at 28, I just cannot see myself working in an office environment anymore... this is not how I imagined my life would be... (at 17, I always thought that I will be working in some kind of engineering projects... but I guess being a student in a technical school push that image through my mind)...

When I was a kid back in my hometown and living the simple life... I always wanted to be a pilot... a space craft pilot to be exact (like I said to some people whom I have known for some time now... I am a sucker for everything outer space)... but that was a tad bit ridiculous... I know... kids have the widest range of imagination... so I scale it down a little once I'm a old enough to know how ridiculous my dreams are... so fighter pilot was my aim... back then MiG-29 was still in its prime... F-18 hornet is not far behind too... I would spent my day... day dreaming about flying across the open sky... doing some "out -of-this-world" maneuver... man, I would have died a happy man if that dream becomes a reality... too bad, when I reached 17... I had to wear glasses and that dream died with that...

Then I started to learn how to play football... and naturally that becomes my dream.. to play football for Liverpool... to grace the grass at Anfield, to score a winning goal for my favorite team and also to stand in front of the Kop End to hear the fans chanting my name... but since iIgot no skill whatsoever... that dream died after I last wore my school jersey (on which I found my favorite number... 11)... 4th place isn't that bad... but I only played 2 games (both being a 1 - 1 draw)

When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be a scientist, just like the great Einstein or Newton... but that dream was induced by a friend of mine who back then seems like "the man"... he knows everything about the scientific world that I just can't help but marvel at his knowledge... but then by 11, I had move to KL and that dream died with it...

Oddly enough, I had no dreams whatsoever when I first came to KL... a big city, with lights all along the town streets... mesmerized as I was (were?? my grammar is almost none existence).. no dreams comes out of it... such metropolitan city would have triggered my imagination wild... but I guess loosing my grandfather has put a dent on my imagination... but then again.. the growing up part also might play a role there...

So when I was 16, I went to a boarding school of some sort, trying to see if I can actually be away from my mother... it was hard at first.. being a mommy's boy doesn't help at all... but I managed to finally accept the new environment... heck, I had the best 2 years of my life there... and it is here where I first imagine myself in an office environment... kinda had too... everyone is now at an age where they feels the need that ambitions needs to be realistic... and being a pilot at that time was never a realistic target... so does professional footballer...

So after completing high school and goes through the hardship of trying to get into a university... here I am.. stuck in the rat race... in which there is no getting out of...

I wonder if I had chosen a different path... like instead of getting into this computer stuff, and go ahead with my initial engineer path..?? would I be better off? I guess no one knows...

Being this close to the big three zero might not be that uncomfortable if you already knows what you wanted out of this life... as for me,.. the search will go on and to know that the dateline is so freaking near is not very ideal... even though I might denied it... the pressure is getting to me... and it is making me nervous...

Life is a journey... and it is a journey to the end...

hati berkecamuk

2009-10-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

Through the madness of the chaotic frenzy of criticism created by the mass media,
Through the pain barrier,
Through everything they throw at us (beach balls included)

We persisted,
We huff and puff,
We chased every lost causes,
We showed them what it takes to be a red,

Because our eyes have seen the glory.

and in the end

They are left speechless and destroyed...

never once have i doubted my team
even when we were supposed to be in a crisis...

That's what real fan supposed to be...

be it sunshine or rain...

damn I wish I have enough money to go to Anfield.. at least once in my life

Nothing ever made to last

2009-10-13T01:43:00.000-07:00

I wish you joy
I wish you happiness
above all
I wish you the best of luck
For...
come this Saturday
you'll be entering a new stage of your life
and I bid adieu to you ... (just because I don't want to get stuck in the memories of you... getting over you was hard enough)

So I am walking away from all of this
with the hope
that...
by this time next year...
I'll be going out with one of these girls
...
(I would have attached pictures of pretty girls here but I'm too lazy to do that... so I'll write their names instead)
1. Milla jovovich
2. Demi lovato
3. Hannah Tan
4. Lisa Surihani
5. Intan Azura
6. One of the pussycat dolls
7. zhang zhi yi
8. Maggie Q
9. Jessica Michibata
10. Jenna Jameson or Jenna haze

Selamat Pengantin Baru to you, dear old flame

The pleasure was all mine
I Hope you had the time of your life....

1 friend request

2009-09-27T07:21:00.000-07:00

" 1 friend request".... itulah perkataan yang terpapar kat facebook aku... selalunye kawan2 or some random people trying to grow their mafia family (those who loved mafia wars game in facebook would understand)... so click ajer yelah... sekali mata aku terpaut kat namer orang tu.... sangat familiar... bukan setakat familiar ajer.. nama nie lah dulu yg buat aku giler bayang angau tak bertempat circa 1998... biar betul!!! ingat lagi dier kat aku (walaupun dier dah kawin.. and later aku found out dier dah ade 2 orang anak dah pun)... fuh eksaited betol... terus aku approve and dengan sepantas gaban tukar uniform aku check profile dier... she's changed... alot.. physically... well aku pun dah tak sama physically.. so anyway itu tak penting.. the fact that she remembered me is far more important... aku memang ler ingat kat dier... tempat jatuh lagi dikenang ini kan pula... (pepandai korang la sambung... hehe)...

after i managed to get over the awe of actually "jumpe" dier after all these years of wondering/wandering... dier tegur aku... wah she DID remembered me... huhu atas awan kejap.. so we talk about all the missing years when our lives no longer intertwined and why I did not contacted her even though we were only minutes away time college dulu... tak patut la aku melebih plak .. memandangkan she's happily married now...

=======================
========================

Well Raya was a blast... had a wonderful time with the cousins and relatives even though not all of them managed to balik kampung this time around... seperti biase kerja bakar lemang and masak rendang (masak jer... bakar kayu letak peruik and tunggu masak tu ajer).. memang aku kena buat.. although not the entire process la.. part2 yg ade kena mengena ngan api ajer la... hentak2 lemang tu kena la buat .. takkan nak suruh mak aku kot... important news.. ini tahun raya, gua dapat 2 angpau.. RM7 in total... haha lama dah tak dapat angpau... so happy jugak ler... plus jumpe old friends from my days growing up in malacca... ahh bliss... dah hebat2 dah kawan2 aku dari kampung nie .. sudah berjaya di Kuala Lumpur... aku?? masih di takuk lama... takde kemajuan langsung...

Words

2009-08-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

Words failed me
at times
when the lump in my throat
is hard to swallow

Words hurt me
sometimes
when it cuts deeper
than any sword could

Words confuses me
all the time
When people are saying things
that they don't meant

Words inspire me
at some point of time
When I could write instead of saying
the things I wanted to say properly

Words compounded me
When it doesn't rhyme
When the words I'm looking for
is missing from my vocabulary

Aku ingin bebas

2009-08-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

Aper yg aku betul2 nak sekarang nie... ??

Well aku nak tukar kerja... not because of the pressure of moving to a new team but more to the fact that my current company is being taken over by another company.. a big one ... and the fact that they decided to cut cost... saper yang teruk kena.. kami lah pekerja2.. kalau tak sign by November takde kerja.. kalo sign... merana lah hidup kat sini... i hate this..

and aku rindu pergi keje naik LRT... dah bertahun aku kerja di kawasan yg takde stesen LRT.. it's either drive sendiri or naik bas... naik bas pun ok tapi aku tak tahan jam dalam bas.. rela aku jam dalam kete.. at least radio tu aku yang control... boleh dengar stesen radio yang aku suker... tak perlu melayan karenah driver yang selalu pilih stesen radio salah... anyway dah jarang dengar morning crew (tak kire lah stesen aper pun).. layan CD pun besh... putar2 lagu yg sama sampai aku bosan tahap dewa ngan lagu tu... tak pun masuk kan CD yg dia bagi time besday aku tahun lepas... ye lah tak dapat orang.. hadiah yang dier bagi pun jadi lah... at least dier sudi nak bagi aku hadiah... walaupun dier tak sayang aku macam aku sayang dier... takpe lah hati dier... memang hak dier nak bagi kat sesaper pun... aku bukan orangnya... okey nostalgia plak... so anyway... nak tau CD aper dier bagi aku... CD hujan... aku takde la minat sangat ngan hujan nie tapi music diorang nie aku rase agak unik.. lain dari band punk/alternative/indie Malaysia yg lain... plus aku bias... CD nie hadiah dari seorang awek yang aku sangat suker.. so sedap or not aku dengar ajer... dengar sambil berangan2 tangkap cintan ngan dier... hahaha teruk dah aku nie... kronik mungkin?? .. takpe la.. "i'll get over her some other day... but today is not the day" .. tu lah alasan aku hari hari.. ntah biler nak luper pun aku tak tau...

dan aku tak sabar nak hidup sendiri... "mom, i love you but it's time for me to leave the nest...", umur pun dah dekat2 ngan angka 30... sampai bile takmo beli rumah sendiri... lambat nyer la 2010... biler rumah aku siap nanti aku free... i bet i'll be going back to my mom's every weekend.. ye lah.. gua bukan reti masak.. masak air boleh arr... and aku seorang yg lazy.. tak cayer.. tanye mak aku... confirm dier cakap aku malas.. so baju aku saper mau cuci... either balik umah mak or beli washing machine.. hantar dobi is out of the question... dengan gaji aku yang akan menjadi semakin sedikit (not that it is any banyak now) takde la aku nak hantar dobi.. aku nak buat business dobi ade lah... hahaha

tu jer yang aku nak sangat sekarang nie... takde la melampau kan?? simple things... most of all aku rindu tengok gelagat (dan awek/amoi lawa) dalam LRT... last sekali aku naik lrt... mase balik dari Singapore lepas tengok Liverpool hari tu... tapi itu perjalanan balik ke rumah.. aku prefer perjalanan ke KL... aku rase ianya lebih interesting.. ye lah muka org sumer tgh happy.. nak melepak/dating/shopping la kater kan... time balik muke sumer cam cuka... hehehe... yeah aku pun camtu... dah ler terpikir nak kena jalan kaki lagi nak sampai rumah... ye aku memang pemalas...

'cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot, to be something i'm not,
I am a fool out of love 'cause i just cant get enough!

the ring of fire

2009-08-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

Much had happened to me before the dengue episode i had 2 weeks ago... the trip to Singapore to watch Liverpool... the progress on my on going struggle to actually learn how to lead a team... and that one cute doctor who treated me for my illness... hence the "sayang di jarinya sudah ade sebentuk cincin " crap that i have been parading around especially on yahoo messenger.... but it has gone and to write about it now would be bland... so anyway

Selamat berpuasa all

My melodramatic romance

2009-08-17T02:12:00.001-07:00

Semalam aku tertewas...
perlukah aku elaborate further...
tak perlu rasanya.. korang boleh buat any assumptions yang korang rasa patut...
aku bukan nyer bintang pun...
kesilapan aku walau sehalus maner pun takkan terpapar di muka hadapan akhbar2 yang dah mmg penuh dengan dusta politik yang ntah hape hape ntah...

semalam aku jatuh di kancah...
buat aper aku berpusing2 berfikir tentang bende yang dah lepas ??

aku rasa hari hari yang mendatang semakin kelam... bukan nyer aku cuba untuk terus pesimis tapi it comes like a second nature to me... mampu ker aku terus berlakon "that i care" sedangkan aku mmg dah hilang minat dengan kerja aku... I'm doing this just to foot the bills... kalau lah aku dah takde komitmen confirm aku berhenti keje... better to received smaller income doing what you like that receiving a larger income doing something you hate... if the world does not revolve around money... you wont catch me doing what I do now... but heck we all know that the world is not going to be the same without money... so with the commitment yang aku dah tanda tangan.. aku terpakse terus kan ngan buat keje nie... cam bagus tapi actually keje hampeh... I rather be out in the jungle cataloging flora and fauna than being in this concrete jungle sitting in front of a laptop trying to find out how to actually do a follow up to a meeting that was help more than 2 weeks ago???... I hate doing administrative stuff... I was not made to lead... never was.. never will... corporate ladder will makes you do things you'll regret....

Ok lah that was my being sick for the last 2 weeks rant....
sungguh tak besh dok kat hospital... my first time plak tuh

so anyway... sorry to bore you people with this
aku seorang yang suka komplain tapi ter pernah pulak nak selesaikan satu masalah tu..
kerana aku seorang procrastinator

any forward motion counts

2009-07-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

so what do i do now... a new challenge it is indeed... i need a place to start it all.. right now it is a bit messy... not documentation, no proper way to actually see what is being done... damn that's all to digest... not to mention that i have to come out with another documentation for all the account involved... why did i decided to tackle this challenge again?... let I'm giving myself until October.. let see if i can push myself to get this thing going... hopefully i will be able to get this project moving again... i know it is going to take a lot for me to actually do this... i have no plan B to fall back onto... i need this to be a success or at least moving rather than being stagnant...

I need to get with the team... even if i am not really the type of person who can just mingle with people i dont really know in a jiffy... well at least i know them by name... and we have spoken to each other before... it just take a little bit more to be at ease with them and then probably i will be able to in tune with what's their are doing and eventually move the team to a new level.. hahaha dream on aboo ... dream on...

Well the urgent matter here is for me to get started... once it is in motion, be it a bumpy ride or a smooth one at least it is in motion... any obstacles beyond the starting lineis.. well let cross that bridge once we come to it... for now I NEED to get it going... get a grip on yourself aboo and press on the gas pedal...

On another matter.. Selamat pengatin baru to hafez... my buddy from school... kawin dah kau nyer.. cam tak cayer jer... hahahaha

I seems to get in touch with a lot of people from my past recently... which is good.. because they remembered me... I must have made some kind of impression (haha perasan jap, boleh???)... so anyway it is good to catch up and see where they are now... talk about the silly things we've done over the years... hahahaha bliss.... sayang the girls.. all dah kawin... melepas aku.. hahaha

"Any forward motion counts!!"

bagai ais di goreng

2009-07-06T01:50:00.000-07:00

Entah dari maner, aku pun tak berape sure.. tetiba aku di tegur oleh team lead dalam meeting " Aboo, there's an open position in puredisk. Are you interested ??" .. erk what? terkedu aku sekejap... aper aku nak jawap... memang minat pun actually.. tapi ye lah i got no experience with the application... training lain... real life environment lain... "erm .. yeah sure, i'd consider it"... jawap aku dengan suara yg jelas tak yakin... " think about it and let me know by Monday OK?"... adus, camner yer...

Well itu mase hari khamis lepas... now is Monday and i have given my decision to the team lead... yes i am interested.... Well itu sebelum another email masuk aku punyer inbox... mak aih resposibility list dier sket nyer banyak.. huhu... takut la plak.. kang tak perform sia - sia ajer kena fired.... bukan sajer setakat masuk team baru with new tools to learn and new environment to managed... aku di suruh lead the team as well... erk.. me ? lead? ... huhu i'm no leader... i'm a follower.. although frankly speaking... this is the opportunity i have been waiting for... cuma now biler dah dtg depan mata.. gua cam goyang plak... boleh ker aku buat mende nie?... sanggup ker aku di call every time ade issue? or masuk meeting @ wee hours... ? aku sendiri pun tak tau... tapi aku mmg nak masuk puredisk team... something new and exciting... even the underlying technology is new too... tapi bende baru selalu nyer agak sukar sket.. the learning curve is steep...

this is boring
i'm outta here

"It's okay to have scars, they will make you who you are" -- christmas TV by slow club

Are you sleepwalking?

2009-06-25T02:52:00.001-07:00

The meet up with my colleague from my first real job when pretty well... there were much to talked about... many things have changed... 2 of them is married now... the rest of us are still looking for the spark... doubt the search will end soon.. but that's ok... it will end when you least expect it... or so they said lah... the food were delicious too... but i cant even finished mine... were more interested in the stories than the meal... should have a salad instead lah.. there goes my diet hahahaha...

On another note...
It takes a lot more than what i could offer... or at least that's the way i see it lah... i know i should be less pessimistic... because i said i wanted to improve... but some time you have call a spade a spade... it is not being pessimistic.. but it is being realistic... yeah sure, i do hope i am wrong... now that is being optimistic... something new, i learn to associate with myself with... provided me with a different point of view on things... haha... better late than never...

If it wasn't meant to be... try as hard as you may.. it wouldn't make a different... i will put my effort into it... i need to... the rest is out of my hands... the journey is long... it'll probably takes longer to click than i anticipated... we'll see... the journey is long... whatever the finsih line brings... it's the journey that count for most... the prize is juat a reward for the effort... so here i am trying... so here i am not giving up... so here i am... taking baby steps... so here i am making sure i'm not falling into the pessimism trap i laid for myself...

thank you for kind words...

Adik aku...

2009-06-22T01:44:00.000-07:00

My sister got engaged yesterday... what a relieve.. and good luck to her husband to be... i love my sister to bits... and i only got 1 sibling.. but man, she is one very difficult person to handle.. she do things as she please without a care in the world...

But for all the fights/argument we gotten ourselves into.. we do still love each other.. ye lah adik beradik... marah pun tak lama.. kejap jer dah ok...

I will have to save some money to buy her a great wedding present... tak tau la aper nak bagi...
ideas are appreciated...

muke takde iras iras pun... aper la.. kater adik beradik... chait...

one moment in time

2009-06-08T21:32:00.000-07:00

at a time when nothing worries us :D

This was a long time ago... at a time when life is all about having fun, breaking rules and chasing girls... seems like it was eon ago that we took this picture... a little information about this picture are:-

1. It was the first ever picture to be taken in our dormitory.
2. It was @ dusk... we were getting ready for our dinner and prayers.

We looked so much different today... time has eaten our youth and much of our love for breaking/bending the rules... hahaha.. things we did and the consequences that we faced... sometimes I wonder how the heck did we make it out alive from there... it is definitely one of the highlights of my life... thank you guys for the fun, the laugh and the tears... wouldn't change any of it for the world....

Top row:- Cat, Ezry, tapa, fakar, amat, me and zaiyad
Standing:- Lan, Ismie, Cha' ah, Apis, K.R.
seating:- End, raja, mat naien, feek, Omar

there still a few of us that were not in this picture...

mungkin gagal itu satu kurniaan

2009-06-02T20:25:00.001-07:00

Mungkin lah.. sebab aku sendiri pun tak sure aper yang positif tentang kegagalan nie... and this is coming from someone yg sangat sinonim dengan kegagalan... aku selalu gagal that failure should be my middle name... haha... okalh enough on this negativity .. nanti orang igat gua emo plak... ade la sket tapi tak kronik sehingga memerlukan khidmat nasihat dari pakar perunding peribadi (kawan kawan la maksudnyer tu)... huhu

pagi tadi aku bangun kire awal la jugak... still lewat dari sepatutnyer but awal dari rutin... mata mmg mengantuk la.. tak cukup tido .. layan movie sampai kol 2 pagi.. ampeh... tapi kena la bangun... semangat sket sebab petang ni patut gi jogging kat tepi tasik (hint hint... peluang utk tgk anak dara keje kerajaan jogging skali) kat putrajaya.. tasik maner satu aku pun tak tau... aku lost la area putrajaya nie.. tapi kawan aku ajak jugak ... redah ajer la... sambil enjoy pemandangan (and awek) dapat gak menyihatkan tubuh badan yang telah sedia tak sihat nie... hehehehe...

the drive to work today cam ok plak... takde la traffic jam sangat.. sket2 ajer... sambil memekak menyanyi lagu 21 guns yang aku dok repeat sampai tahap aku hafal lirik dier... aku pun drive la dengan kadar segera untuk sampai opis.. ingat kalo sampai awal ade la parking dekat ngan opis.. hari cam takde mood plak nak jalan kaki... tapi sampai ajer mobil aku kat opis... ampeh parking full... shift malam nie tak reti balik umah ker??? damn.. so aku pegi la parking kat terminal.. jauh sket tapi takpe ... macam aku cakap kat entry sebelum nie.. aku ske sket jalan dari terminal nie... macam mendung ajer... dah le pernah orang jumpe ular kat semak tepi jalan tu... mmg adventure la... tapi sebab hari cerah... takpe arr .. kalo hujan.. aku tunggu jugak sampai ade parking kat opis....

ok lah awal sangat aku update blog nie takde mende nak citer... just terbace artikel ttg gagal tadi so macam nak komen tapi idea takmo kuar.. pakse2 pun tak guna kalo dier takmo kuar... so biar je lah.. nanti ade idea aku edit la balik mende nie

have a nice day ahead dudes!!!!!!!!!!

the one with the melancholy effect

2009-06-01T20:32:00.003-07:00

melancholy?.. what does it mean? I don't know or more accurately I don't know how to describe it... but I do feel like it a lot especially in the morning during the long drive to the office and in the evening during the long drive back home... why only during that time?.. again I have no answer for that... most likely it is because... that's the only alone time I have nowadays... a time to reflect back on things that have been said or done... so anyway this post is not about my stupid affection with the word melancholy... but it is about this :-

I reached the office around 8am this morning... but I can't find any parking space near the office so instead or paying for parking but I still have to walk a long way to the office I decided to park a free parking space.. the distance to the office is about the same as the paid ones... and I like the long walk from there.. I got a chance to pass by my old office... fuh sungguh nostalgic aku nie... mahcam sial.... So anyway... as soon as I emerge from the car, I saw this 2 chicks... 1 is not bad looking... kecik ajer orangnyer... hahaha... dan aku plak besar cam gajah.... I walked past the first chick then I heard someone calling my name... " Eh, Rai"... well not my name la.. but during my high school days... there was a tiem when all the girls at my school would call me Rai.. since Aboo is such a kampung name.. hehehe... so I have not being called rai for a very long time... so I turned my head and .. Wallaaaa... my ex... standing there looking as puzzle as I am... awkward silence sekejap since dua dua tak tau aper mau cakap... " kenal tak??" she asked... I nodded my head... of course I remembered her... sebab aku pun tak reti nak cakap aper... soalan rutin la keluar... "erm keje kat sini ker (cyberjaya)".... she said she is working at one of the telco company... I was dumbstruck sekejap... I never expected to see her here, where I work.. but anyway.. I wave my Employee ID tag to her and said " I work here".. she recognised the logo and smile... I wave my hand and continue my walk to the office... takmo ler aku borak lebih lebih plak... she's married (divorced by now I think.. I heard from some friend la)... plus it was a long time ago.. something should just stay in the past... but still ... what a surprise... takpe la.. at least now I know she's working somewhere near my office... hahaha no good can come from that... so there goes all my plan to flirt with the girls from the telco company... dammit!!!!... haha ok lah.. jumpe bekas kekasih... menjadikan aku melankoli sekejap dan over dramatic sekejap.. hahaha

oh and by the way semalam aku terjumpe ngan seorang pelakon yg di mata aku sangat la cun.. ok maybe tak la sangat cun but still cun sehingga teringin aku nak buat bini (eventhough the chances are like 1 in a 90 centrilion)... scha yahya.. yerp the girl from that lame Air Asia drama... lame or not .. aku tgk sebab dier n kengkawan dier dalam citer tu cun... hahaha.. I need to start watching movie and drama for the entertainment and acting value instead of how hot the actress is... I really do... ha anyway that was my Monday and Tuesday morning...

21 guns

2009-05-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

Oh I'm so loving this song... green day will forever be my most favorite band in the world... 15 years and counting...

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Pretend it is all OK!!

2009-05-26T02:15:00.000-07:00

There's nothing left to beg for

I might be a little high on "excitement" on my previous entry... I got my head stuck in cloud nine somewhere that I don’t realize... I have to come back down to earth as everything that goes up must come down... the fall back to earth has knock some sense (and reality) back into me... I was so taken by the experience that I forgot to look into the mirror and see the horror that people around me have to put up with everyday... so now I’m back in sync with the reality... no matter how much I try... to the masses I’m still just another face in the crowd... too ordinary to notice too regular to be a stand out... I know this might just be the pessimist in me taking over the optimism i felt yesterday.. But it is also the truth of this sick sad world we live in... Looks matter... money matter and above all... everyone has price... it's a question of how much are you willing to pay for him/her... price can be anything other than just money... the truth hurts... because there is no perfect world... where everyone is equal... our heart are corrupted by forces none of us had a defense for... but hey that's just me.. other people have their own view on life ... I am just trying to make me see the logic in me being so down after reaching such heights on Saturday... I guess that's the power girls have on me... they could turn an otherwise ordinary and dull day to a wonderful one... just by smiling and acting the way they do...

longing for belonging

outside, looking in
sampling emotions
an umbrella for the rainy days
inside looking outward

lurking for an opening
longing for belonging

outside, looking in
wandering thoughts
a silent question
"how must have it felt like?"

to belong, to believe and to be loved

outside, looking in
wasted on excitement
jealousy breeds anger
to belong on the inside

lurking for an opening
longing for belonging

inside, looking outward
guilty pleasures
ashamed by the joy
awkward sense of acceptance

outside, looking in
longing for belonging
inside, looking out
lurking for an opening

The tale of gut-wrenching battle between the need and the desire

2009-05-24T23:46:00.000-07:00

So it was Saturday morning... I woke up at about 10 am... after a very tiring Friday night... (and no I was not out partying but was at my usual Friday futsal field... not many of the usual guys turned out that evening so we play almost non stop for 2 hours and yeah it was very and I stressed... very tiring... ) ... suddenly I am feeling restless... I know that Saturday is going to be a very long one for me... for after politely turning down a few invites from my friends to go on a speed dating thingy with them.. I finally decided to accept an invitation from Aida to go to a speed dating event... and my god, I think I got a truck loads of butterflies in my stomach... and it is only 10-ish in the morning... the event was not even supposed to start for a good 4 more hours... hahaha.. the thing about fear is ... sometimes it is unrealistic and your worse nightmare was not even close to what reality has to offer....

I managed to gather enough courage to drove myself there... thank god for Aida.. If she was not coming... I swore I would have turned back home the moment I reached the venue... oh and if you are wondering where is that.. it is somewhere in Damansara heights...

So after some initial uncertainties at what am I supposed to be doing there... the event went well.. or at least it is not ass bad as I thought it would be.... I mean really... for those who knew me well.. they definitely wouldn't bet that I will go through it all... my uber-shyness sometimes bordering anti-social... but like I said earlier... I found out that my fear is baseless and a tad unnecessary... the truth is... everyone there (bar a certain few) was feeling exactly the same... everyone got some sort of insect infestation inside their stomach... be it butterflies or roaches... it all felt the same... like your stomach suddenly decided to go AWOL and the gap between the upper torso and the legs are there for all to see.. well at least that's how I felt... after the first few tables (or girls).. my stomach decided to return and it was pretty much smooth sailing after that (well not that smooth la as I still managed to stuttered and lost for words...)... That's something for me to improve on if I ever decided to do this again... which I think is very likely since I did enjoyed the event... as I said in the beginning... it was not as bad as I thought it would be...

right now I am waiting for the results from the organizer... let see if I managed to get a match or not... the pessimism in me is doubting that I will get any... but that's alright... I went through it all.. that is an achievement in itself... anything more is a bonus... "baby steps aboo, baby steps"

Sunday was as boring as Sunday gets... spent my Sunday sleeping and playing game... a very big sorry to Ezry for missing your sister's wedding... I was super tired from Saturday I can't ever mustered up the strength to drove all the way to Kajang to attend your sister's wedding...

"Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me" ... I feel so by box car racer

The preservation of the martyr in me

2009-05-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

here we go... here we go again...

the pain and the glory once again
chicks dig scars
or is it stars??
whichever it is.. neither are easy to achieve
the scars bring back the pain
none of it were in vain

thou shalt not pass
pessimism of the mass
shattered and broken like glass
I am not part of your class
purely metaphoric rise to shame

I got tired of waiting
I need new friends
Oh Juliet,
stop me from fainting
I need new fiends

Oh inspire me
Oh blink me

Angela.. you're a danger he's addicted to
and I'm just a fool
who's love you'd never knew
and I don't want to be there when you're coming down

awesome possum
spare me the gloom
ignite my own heart
to fuel my own rage against the nothingness of this melancholic depression I seems to endure

"let the sun rise, let the birds sing
let there be light, the there be morning" ... the perishers' let there be morning.

crap psycho-analysis mumbo jumbo

2009-05-06T22:14:00.001-07:00

I feel like I wanted to write something but I cant decide what to write so here are a bot of everything all written down into 1 stupid post....

* I have an exam coming up in about 2 hours time and I know I should be reviewing or studying something.. but all I can do is check my blog and facebook and also YMing... gosh facebook is addictive... or is it just me or the girls in facebook are much hotter than those in friendster... hmmmm..????

* By next Saturday I will be away... hahaha dapat naik kapal terbang woo hoo

* My car is due for an overdue service... huhu.. but then again so is my mum's and my sister's cars.

* Looking back at those picture during high school is making me realise that I was right... I peaked back in 96/97.... what a time to live huh back then???

* I cant wait for my apartment to be completed... the thought of living on my own scared and excite me all at the same time... ok more exciting than scary... unless the lake behind the yet to be completed apartment turn out to be a haunted one lah...

* Dont complaint that you have nothing to do... you might regret it.. I know I am.. hahaha

* The thing about trying is... you got to have the guts to do it... sitting there and hoping things will seek you out is not trying at all

* Cant wait for the next paycheck... I'm broke

* The more I worried about something, the more I tend to procrastinate

* I so heart you and you know who you are... you just don't know who I am... (the price you pay for falling for a girl on TV)

* I wish I am aboard one of the star trek inter stellar star ships... wait, if I can choose one... take me with you Voyager...

* I really got to do some studying right now...

I blinked and now it's gone

2009-04-20T00:42:00.000-07:00

The weekend went by without a shred of tainted moments... Yeah sure I was on duty again for standby and apart from a crappy moments of slow VPN/Internet connection on Saturday night... everything was OK... there was not even the now all too familiar boredomness that I used to rant about last weekend... I guess I have now come to terms with the fact that... even though the standby duty in my current company is uber-boring but it pays the bill and there are no longer calls during the early hours of the morning.. something that was a routine in my previous company... especially on Monday morning when you needed a good night sleep in order to be back at the office @ 8:30 am... sure it was interesting meddling with issues that you can fixed.. or even issues that you definitely needed help with.. at least you get to disturbed other people sleep for a change... hahaha... So anyway work is fine for now... i have a feeling that it wont be this way in the future... My team definitely needs more action.. we have become stagnant... With that in mind, I requested some work from the US for us here in KL... so for the next few weeks... we are to meddle with ORACLE backups, Hosts files and daemons... hahaha... hopefully that would keep my team occupied for a while..

Went out for a drink or two with Aida on Saturday night after I had all the media and backups running (it's not often i get to go out during standby but what the heck, I know how the system act nowadays)... Luckily there were no restoration over the weekend... Aida is moving back to her hometown... "I guess I'm a small town girl after all" she said... hmm... makin boring la hidup aku nie... so we talk about everything under the sun that night... It has been a while since I last talked to Aida.. so there were so many things to talk about... We were supposed to go to Pusat Bandar Damansara but somehow ended up @ Uptown... My sense of direction is gone... I need to go out Cheras area more... It was a great night... went back @ around 2am...

I think my latest conquest is doomed... but it is expected... so on to the next target...

UPDATE:-
Conquest pursuit since September 08 :- 4
Successful :- NIL
Failed :- 2
Unknown :- 2

Expecting to failed a lot this year... haha... I haven't been in the game for far too long so it's obvious I need some buffer before getting back to my best... LOL... like I was any good before... but I'm not getting any younger so I got to give it a go... losing is part of the game... the most difficult part is the first hurdle... I am big/fat.. so to get girls see pass that is not easy... it's not like I have a charming personality to dazzle them... and I don't blame people who can't see pass the physical appearance... I am having a difficult time to do that as well... even if I'm much uglier... we are living in a superficial world... looks and money counts... but anyway that's a challenge for me to tackle... doubting myself has not gotten me anywhere... so a bit of optimism here could put a spring in my steps... who knows...

Give 'em hell!!!

2009-04-14T22:40:00.001-07:00

what a match it turned out to be... someone has to lose... and in the Liverpool is knocked out of the Champion's league... I know it is no consolation in the way we ring the fight to Chelsea but the boys had done us, the supporter of this great club, proud... By far this has got to be the best match I've seen this season... hands down... hopefully we'll bounce back high and capture the elusive premier league title... a big ask but not an impossible one..as long as it is still mathematically possible.. there's a chance...

Dinding Api!!!!

2009-04-06T20:58:00.001-07:00

Rainbow over the horizon

I had a very tiring day f battling with firewall issue yesterday... and guess what?? I am still having trouble with it today... I just can't get my head around it this time... and the most sad part of it is I know I do not have access to the firewall...so I can't see the rules there... but after 1 and a half day of looking I still can't find the bloody team that is responsible for firewall... firewall and me has never been on a steady relationship... It has always been a turbulent one.. Just last week, because I have disabled the McAfee Firewall... or HIPS if you want it more specific... I can't browse the net.. i mean in Internet Explorer I could but not in Firefox or Opera... even my BitComet was not working... and yes.. YM was affected too... I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out what when wrong..only to discover that... by turning off the firewall... all my installed applications that was using the internet was affected by it... default stuff like Internet Explorer was not affected.. wierd huh??... so in the end.. here is what I can concluded... firewall although it is created for security... it is really not very user friendly... I dont particularly like MCafee... or Norton for that matter... my number 1 anti-virus would be Trendmicro... and if i am feeling cheap... Avast or kapersky or paling chekai pun.. AVG... I dont really trust Dell laptops... HP/Compaq/Fujitsu is still the best laptops... and I hate it when the information on the local intranet that we, support people, rely on a daily basis is not up to date... it's making working a living hell... so after I'm done with this.. it is back to square one with the firewall thingy...

The weekend was Ok lah I think... the workload on Sunday was bearable.. unlike on saturday... managed to catch F1 racing on tv... how unfortunate it was stopped... can't really blame them... no one is going to drive any faster than a road going car in that condition... I'm super glad for Heidfeld... he deserve the points... I have always favoured him in rainy condition... one of the best driver in rain... Schumacher is another one... Hamilton or Alonso got nothing on Heidfeld in the rain... So anyway, can't wait for the next one...

I am tired of not being in the game... it's freaking lonely at times... but I'm also tired of being a substitute... I want more playing time... and I think, the last time I try to get in the game (after last year's fiasco with my office colleague), I was shot down straight...but as I have listed on my new year resolution... this year is the year where I am going to failed a lot in the game (of love)... but it will be a test... at least by the end of the year I can say "hey, i've tried"... so that 3 blank since late last year... hoping for more to come... sure 1 can sangkut... aiyohh so unlucky is it?? ok... stay positive.. at least until October.. huhuhu..

"Mungkinkah akan biasa,... dengan segala... yang tiada"

It could have been something else.. but hell, it turned out to be just like before!!!

2009-04-04T04:48:00.000-07:00

So this is my last week as the on call slave monkey... I'll get a rest next weekend before the cycle start all over again... it is not that hard but this week is a bit different.. the boss in US is on a 10 days holiday.. so that leave me in charge of things... i hate responsibility... but.. what to do... plus i have to watch over the new guy... he's a bit lazy sometime but a good guy nonetheless... some might say it is bullying.. but i had to push him hard because he just take it simple... i asked him to write down all the important notes... he did but then forgot where he wrote it... come on i was a junior once before... if you don't make the effort to learn i wont make the effort to teach.. 3 times after that you are on your own... that is why i hate looking after people.. I'm no leader... so anyway next week I'm going to grind him on those troubleshooting and configuration stuff... the restoration and other stuff will have to wait... he need to get his basics right...

Apart from my work tales... nothing much worth mentioning has happened to me... there's a girl.. then there was not... so same old shit keeps happening to me... and i grow tired of complaining about it... let just wait and see for the next one to come... I have promise myself that .. this year I'll make an effort to at least talk or meet girls... so far it has not work wonders.. i am still " oh he's just some guy i know at a arty or something"... so something has to change... maybe growing facial hair was not a very good idea.. or maybe i need to be more exciting.. you know read up on the current happenings... instead of the usual chit chat that takes you no where... OK.. will work on that... how to be charming when you are not born with it??... I'll goggle that up after I'm done typing this...

I guess that's it... i am pretty lame lately...
girls, they mess with your head and your heart...
or in the words of a character in the movie Pearl Harbor " Girls, they clouds the mind".

have a nice weekend!!!!!

no u-turn ahead!!!

2009-03-28T11:37:00.000-07:00

another dead end??
or just a fork in the road ??
maybe I just gives up too early ??
maybe it was never anything to begin with

chances and probability
you should never bet on me
you can never tell this early
if there is actually...

Is it a weakness...
to actually not wanting??
to not be able to bring oneself
to carry out an objective that's no longer relevant

I guess the heart
and not the eyes
is the ultimate judge
to be or not to be
and maybe you and I will not believe in the things we find behind the door...

"Kusimpan katamu terpahat dalam hati
Biarkan masa meniti jalanku
Diriku disini tetap disini
Hingga akhirnya kita jumpa lagi" --> khayalan masa, one buck short

knocked silly!!!

2009-03-26T20:49:00.000-07:00

I came, i saw, i perished, i crumbled, broken and shattered into pieces,
i wonder and yet wondering does not make a different
a simple question and a simple gesture
my oh my
this is not chemistry

I think i could if i wanted it bad enough
perception changes and the intention fades into the night
i am weak at standing my ground
hold on, hold on
there's light in every tunnel

slow down, slow down
you are not a pawn
and she may yawn
but all is not gone

for a second i thought i could
now it is obvious she would
i am not in the mold
down with all the gold
and the glitters that comes along

ok this is crap... will post it anyway
and make adjustment to it later....

i am so out of my head now!!!!

so anyway... my old friend from HP send me this
http://www.date-escalade.blogspot.com/

if you are interested in speed dating.. there are 2 seat left... tapi for guys jer... girls dah full

I'd give it a shot if i am not on duty for the stupid on call slave monkey work this weekend....
have a great weekend dudes!!!!!
i know i wont.... damn you on call schedule!!!!!!!

Dry Ice (the machine of time)

2009-03-23T02:42:00.001-07:00

letih sungguh nak aku fikirkan... bukan masalah yang besar pun.. tapi aku bosan.. giler bosan... bosan dengan kerja, bosan dengan rutin hidup yang sama sajer hari hari, bosan dengan ketidakmajuan diri aku sendiri mostly. aku cukup bosan tengok macam maner aku hidup sekarang nie... ade sajer yang tak kena... buat buat malas salah, buat buat rajin salah... tak buat aper aper pun salah... angau ker aku???.. rase nyer tak... tak mungkin lah... bukan ade awek pun yang aku tengah tangkap syiok tahap longkang pun... setakat minat kat diana danielle tu biase la... minah tu memang cun pun.. tapi takkan la aku angau kat dier kot... impossible lah... she's way, way beyond reach... haha.. no, no, it's not angau lah.. it's tiredness of the same old shit again and again...

kerja dah start mula nak buat aku pening lebih lebih.. kalau dulu relax jer sebab responsible sikit ajer... now.. sikit - sikit " Abu could you please create a document for ticket handling for the audit??... could you create the on call list for the next 2 months?... we still do not have any KT document for legato team.. Abu any comment?? ... shit!! masa orang lain jadi lead takde pulak korang mintak dier buat all this document?? aper lah... bukan nyer aku marah sangat pun... tapi sekali datang bertubi - tubi... sakit tangan aku menaip.. dah ler aku nie jenis lembab dalam hal - hal menaip nie.... So sumer nie memang contributed to me feeling like crap.... heck even Liverpool thumping Aston villa last weekend did nothing to improve my mood... I need to change... but dont know where to start.

langkah kaki aku hari hari makin tak betul... kejap aku nak ni... then a few minutes later nak buat mende lain lak... maybe i got ADD but never realized it... who knows kan?? maybe i should concentrate on one thing at a time... like shedding a few (well maybe more lah) pounds off the waist area... or simpan duit for later biler aku pindah rumah (huhu tak sabar siot tunggu umah aku siap)... aku suffer from chronic anticipation of nothingness

"pelan pelan kayuh" kata my good friend, En. buaya... haha why En. buaya??.. i guess you guys pun paham aper sebabnyer ketaksuban orang kat sini ngan buaya... no.. not for the skins like in the west.. but as a "kata ganti nama" or something to that effect. hahaha ok aku membebel... tapi ade betul jugak cakap En. buaya nie,... being old and wise .... yang aku tak sabar sabar nak buat all the things yang aku missed before apsal?... i think that has something to do with me being a late bloomer.... oh well... sometime, sambung si buaya lagi... we need to stop and turn around to see where we've gone and remember the things we've been through... a reminder of how we have grown... ok not exactly like that la.. tapi ade lah sounding macam tu... kenkadang aku terfikir pulak.... there are times i feel that i learn more from listening to people rather than learning from my own mistakes... sebab aku bukan nyer handal dalam belajar pun.. SPM pun cukup - cukup makan jer... tapi bile orang cakap, diorang buat otak aku berfungsi... macam bile cikgu ajar baru la aku paham amende sebenarnyer E=mc(square)... hahaha... i need stimuli (ahaks.. rase cam pelik jer words tu... hehe yer yer otak aku biru sket... haha)...

so anyway.. there goes my rat this Monday.... i hate Mondays.. it brings the crazy lazy person in me...

adios!!!!!!

"i have a ring ring in my head, and no one to help me answer it, even when you're close enough to kiss" Jimmy eat world.

the age of princesses, pirate ships and the 7 dwarfs

2009-03-20T02:13:00.000-07:00

It's not the past glory or the fact that it was by a big margin... it was the feeling of beating your fiercest rival on a level playing field that counts.... no money in the world could buy you that... we may not get the title.. but hell, it still feels super great to beat United................

I hope for a fair draw tonight... Don't mind meeting United again...

Prediction time... here are what my crytal ball is telling me :-

Man Utd VS Barcelona
Arsenal VS Villareal
Porto VS Liverpool
Chelsea VS Bayern Munich

hahaha ... this will be the best case scenario for English fan since none of the premiership team are facing each other... I really doubt that it will be like this once the draw is over.... whatever it is .. this is going to be one exciting quarter final for quite sometime...

"Justice for the 96"

Law of I have nothing interesting to write about so I copied an email instead...

2009-03-10T00:31:00.000-07:00

How True

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

The way it's going to be!!!

2009-03-04T21:51:00.001-08:00

So a new chapter opens today... one which I am frankly a bit apprehensive to take on... with my colleague leaving the company.. I am now the primary support for the account that we are handling... frankly speaking I am less worried about the technical stuff... I mean, so far I have yet to really really struggle with the technical side of thing.. not that I am very good it just... so far it has been a routine... things you learns will repeat it self in time.. so if you actually learn and take notes... you are not going to struggle a lot ... plus any new issue that would arise could be deal with "team work".. hahaha cliche, I know... but I hate the responsibility that comes with being the primary person.. everything that has to do with the account need to go through you... the interviews (if we are hiring),.. the ID creation, the knowledge transfer, etc... I prefer to be lead.. not to lead... I'm a bad leader...

but seeing it from another perspective.... this could be the opportunity I have been waiting for... it is a chance to shine (if i do it correctly).. a chance to show what I can actually do.. a chance to shred away my pessimism and actually take the lead into a whole new world called optimism... only I can change who I am... though I love my pessimism... it has so far bought me nothing of value other than my so called "different perspective"... and at 28 I could do with a change in attitude... being positive has it advantages... who knows... it could be a change for the better... instead of hiding from responsibility like I always did if it could be avoided... I could step up and be counted this time around... plus it is a good way to gain more experience both technically and in other field.. I hope lah...

who knows.. if I could be positive and maybe the girl will start to come my way in the truck load.. hahahaha.. dream on abu dream on...

all I know is.. there is no hiding from this one... unless I quit the job.. or ask the management to appoint someone else instead.

So anyway enough on work for now... it's not even a promotion... just added responsibility...

I just booked an apartment a couple of weeks ago... I really need to start living on my own now that I am almost 30... so far, nothing has been signed yet except for the booking papers... the bank has yet to response to my loan application... and the lawyer are still to get in touch with me regarding the sales and purchase agreement... what to do lah??? I have never bought a house before... what is the standard procedure??... do I need to apply for loan myself??... I got the developer to passed my document to their panel banks... I have about 1 week more according to the agreement with the developer to get everything done ( or so I think.. I never really read the fine print anyway... I guess I need to start reading any document that I sign huh??)... life is so much simpler when I just sign off a document and start the payment... now I need to wait for my loan application lah.. wait for the lawyer lah... bikin susah orang saja!!!!!.... dah ler rumah tu lambat lagi siap... I cant wait to move out... next year is going to be very exciting...

I am going on a diet.. tak kira lah... too freaking fat lah now... no wonder girls never gave me a second looks (not that they will give me a second looks if I'm not this fat anyway)... so now kurangkan makan... exercise??? arghhh susah nyer nak buat... kemalasan tahap maksimum... biarlah.. let see if I will actually follow my plan.. which is to eat less... experience tells me it wont happen because eating is GOOD... hahaha

till later dudes!!!!

= " ... then i wonder why she sleeps with my friends" , self-esteem --> the offspring.

courage (or lack of there of)

2009-02-17T22:48:00.000-08:00

the ability to step up and take the responsibility
to swallows one pride and face the music
to be able to smile at the face of horror
to muster enough will power to achieve one's goal
to take owner ship of a doomed situation and turn it around
to dare to fail even when very little seems to make sense
to take oneself to the next level...

ahh who am i kidding
i dont have enough courage to do any of this!!!

"with all of this i know now, that nothing i do changes me at all"

9 to 5 pace!!!!!!!

2009-02-17T00:55:00.000-08:00

Okay i have to admit this... i have been very lazy for the past 5 month or so... apart from doing my work at the office and the weekly futsal game.. i have done pretty much nothing... something has got to change...

*sorry for those who have tagged me... i am super lazy to do it... i need a kick on the backside to get me going again...

Gives you hell -- all american rejects

2009-02-10T19:47:00.000-08:00

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far
You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you even know where you are

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Yeah, Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in the eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well, Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
And when you sing along I hope that it puts you through hell

**I just cant get this song out of my head...

Random thoughts!!

2009-01-06T22:38:00.000-08:00

These are the things that crossed my mind... collected over a period of 2 days... not all are recorded though... most of it are ramblings rather than thoughts.. but whatever...

the realization that what i did now will have an impact on my future is really disconcerting???

what kind of shift in the movement of a tiny speck of atom could eventually lead to its destruction.. but then again.. all humans are meant to die..

one way or another!!

of discussing about the matter of life and what we are in the grand master plan of the universe... cant help but feel tiny and insignificant... obviously the feeling is mutual... or probably it was just me... where do i fit in this grand scheme??? ... just another random convulsion of atom to form a life not worth living for??
practically??.... could a tiny speck of dust really make a different... in chemistry it could... if you lose an hydrogen atom in H2O... then there will be no water at all...

does .... exist? or it is just another myth??

i guess i could if i wanted to (bad enough)... the problem is... i lose interest after a while... A.D.D.???
who knows... it is just some random electrochemical signals (is it really?? )... in your brain that makes you do a certain things that you do not want to do... is this just another tantrum... throwing a tantrum is good ey?? it releases enough stress to make you forget things.. haha.. trying to find a reason for something that is beyond reason??... i am way beyond redemption... Bob Marley probably thinking the same thing when he wrote the redemption song... again i am just searching for reasons but not answers... i need closure.. but then again who doesn't, right??...

I'm counting sheeps but i'm running out of sheeps... insomnia got no cure!!!

the anatomy of the unspoken words between 2 or more people... that doesn't makes any sense does it... i am not making any sense now, do i??

hope or false hope is after all a hope... expection = 0

It's a sick sad world out there!!

#include
#include

int expectation; // the result of the calculations
char oper_char; // the user-specified operator
int value; // value specified after the operator

int main()
{
result = 0; // initialize the result

// Loop forever (or till we hit true love or some other condition we're OK with!!!)
while (1) {
cout << "Expectation: " <<>> oper_char;
cin >> value;

if (oper_char = '+') {
expectation += value;
} else {
cout << "You are Hopeless!!! " << oper_char << '\n'; } }
return (0);
}

** this program will never run because i did not do it properly (copy + paste and edit)

Colin was determined to prove that his theories are correct... a mathematically proven formula to predict how a relationship will end (An Abundance of katherine)...

I am just tired... the flu is bugging me and i woke up on the wrong side of the bed

am i going senile???

it was blown out of proportions

i was there... but never really there... geddit??

cloud nine... why nine??? cloud three seems great too?? goggled it, but i cant understand the article.. should have bought a dictionary then...

chuck and sarah were meant to be together... they should just suck it up and get on with it...

Oasis was really a good band... their stars fades away pretty fast though... "I'm free to be whatever i, whatever i choose..." --> whatever, Christmas album...

I want to walk this planet with...

expiration date... do we really need one???

make believe world vs the reality = imagination runs wild

changes are needed... or so they said

Human nature... what the hell does that mean??

During my MUET Oral test.. i (or rather my group) was/were given a topic.. "human weakness" the four of us were also given a weakness (human weakness) to talk about... at first on our own before we discussed it among ourselves... i was given FOOD as human weakness (the other 3 was MONEY, FAME and POWER)... we have no choice but to agree with it during our individual sessions... gluttony suddenly spring to mind... so i blabbered all about why food is the number 1 human weakness.. eventhough i disagree... during the discussion session... i immediately choose money.. doing my best master yoda impression " money lead to fame and fame lead to power" and in the process involved why britney and Jacko was so successful during their stint at the top of the world and why America was considered a world power... trying my best to make them see that money is the root of all evil... hahaha... most of them said power is the number 1 human weakness... but without money power is nothing i said... well we were supposed to be discussing or debating so everyone has to have an opinion...

... or dead!!!!

I envy people who can write well... especially people who wrote article about life in general

you're wearing me out!!!

i'm sick of being told of what to do!!!

end up with nothing in the end... what an irony

after so many disappointment.. i realize that being miserable is not that bad at all, sometimes...

If you could foresee this project as a failure .. then why keep on forcing me to do it.. leave it be lah... I for one, could see it turning into a disaster... persistence don't always work... it could turn into an annoyance...

You are free of blame my friend... I have only myself to blame

I need space to do my own thinking... do my own thing... be alone with my thoughts.. this blog use to be it... not anymore... there are people i know in real life who now reads it... when they feel like it... and for some reason my critical self shied away... i could move to another space... it is that simple... but i like it here...

the path will not be easy...

I have always wanted to use the nylon strings on my guitars but I'm too dumb to do it

triggers is the word of the day (January 7th 09)

I am unhealthy, unwelcome and unmoved

everyone is entitle to make mistakes... just as long as you learn from it

"mistakes don't mean a thing if you don't regret them"

I named the 3 new kittens at home = bulan, bintang and matahari... i cant keep them all... might have to give them away soon...

The Katherine Tragedy

2009-01-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

"a saint without a past , a sinner without a future"

"if you don't try you cant fail"

"dozens of reason to lie, only one to tell the truth"

"I have learned to let go, to not hold on so tightly, to open the jar at just the right moment and enjoy the lights"

All quotes are from House M.D. ( i think la)