Parallel split...

We exchanged blind words...
A deafening silence...
Then we parted ways...
Divided we stand...
Marking the splitting of a parallel...
The sun sets and I am back to square one...

Gagal sekali bukan gagal selamanya...

Terus terang cakap memang dah tiba masa untuk melupakan hasrat nak mencuba nasib dengan awak pun... penat dah kot... asyik mencuba jer dari dulu tapi tak pernah berjaya pun... mungkin kena tengok balik kat mana ada salah dan silap... atur balik langkah dan selepas ini ada lah peluang yang lebih cerah... Seperti kata Thomas Alva Edison... " Aku tak pernah gagal... cuma aku telah berjaya mencari 1000 cara bagaimana untuk tidak membuat mentol... dan 1 cara untuk membuat mentol " (sorry translation ni mungkin agak kurang tepat... aku bukannya reti sangat alih bahasa ni).... Jadi sekarang aku perlu mencari cara untuk berjaya untuk mengubah hati seseorang (saja dibiarkan tergantung sebab aku rasa kamu semua tahu apa yang cuba di sampaikan)...

Nak ikut kan pun dalam 34 tahun hidup nie, boleh dikira dengan sebelah tangan sahaja cubaan aku untuk mengubah hati seseorang. Pertama kali mase tingkatan 4... takde lah bersungguh sangat pun sebab aku ni penakut... takut pada kegagalan... hajat nak mengorat sorang awek nie tapi dapat member dier pulak... aku ikut kan sahaja... dari sorang2 takde awek... tapi mase tingkatan 5 lain pulak jadi... untuk pertama kali (mungkin kedua kot.. mase tingkatan 3 ade ura2 pasal nie tapi aku buat tak endah sebab... mat rock mana nak layan awek... hahahaha) ada seorang gadis boleh suka kat aku.. cam pelik pulak... tapi aku hanya 17 tahun.. ingatkan cool lah kalau dapat pasang 2 awek serentak... tapi aku lupe sekolah aku takde la besar mana.. kejap jer dah kantoi... hahahaha (tapi pelik ade jugak kawan aku berjaya pasang 2... hebat sungguh mereka nie)... pastu taubat takmo buat camtu dah.. tambahan pula, aku kurang bertuah lah dalam soal hati ni... 

Masa kat kolej pulak boleh terjatuh hati pada seorang awek dari Batu Pahat, Johor nie... so maka selepas buat satu eksperimen kat makmal (eksperimen bakar magnesium kot kalau tak silap... mase tu aku sorang jer ade lab partner perempuan.. seorang kakak senior)... aku kumpulkan segala kekuatan yang ade.. aku pegi kat meja dier, mintak kawan dia tinggalkan dia sorang2 kejap (sorry Ana, aku terkesima dengan lab partner  kau masa tu) dan aku pun beritahu la kepada seorang perempuan yang aku suka kat dia (pertama kali dalam hidup buat camtu... menggigil wa cakap lu).. terdiam kejap dia... aku lagi la tak reti nak react masa tu... aku pun lupa apa dia cakap masa tu.. yang aku ingat... aku cakap "aku cuma nak kau tau jer.. kalau lepas ni kau takmo kawan ngan aku pun takpe... janji kau tau"... lebih kurang camtu la ayat aku.. then aku blah dan buat kerja aku... kitorang masih berkawan lepas tu cuma agak awkward la... at least dia tak benci aku... dia lagi tak suka dengan sorang lagi mamat yang suka kat dia... so I take comfort in that... enough la kot...

Masa dalam lingkungan umur 20 an ada gak aku mencuba lagi.. sebab orang kata "biar gagal tapi ada usaha nak cuba dari gagal untuk mencuba"... hahaha tapi segan pulak nak cerita kat sini... diorang masih berkawan dengan aku dan mungkin ada baca blog ni... huhuhuhu

The point that I was trying to convey was.. " I am a failure... but at least I can say I've tried... maybe not hard enough or not smart enough.. but I've tried... that got to count for something right??"

Everyone wants to change the world but no one wants to die trying....

Dandelions

You move through the air like the wind borne seeds of dandelions

Swaying and shifting, dancing to the tune of the wind of change

Swift and subtle, elegent and enigmatic nonetheless

Leaving behind a field of nothingness

carrying one's hope with each gentle breeze

But your lies lingers like a dormant menace

Anticipating the arrival of your trigger happy mechanism

To eventually reveal the devastating truth about your existence

That you are merely nothing more than just another pretty face in the crowd

Mesmerizingly unforgetable even in death

Hauntingly beautiful but not without its scars

In the end, dandelions are nothing more than just another pesky weed

Only fooling around with you to do their deeds

When you no longer serve a purpose

It'll leave your side

with a gush of a strong breeze

P/S:- So dandelions, you are tolerated but not welcome.

I am not angry... I am just bitter

“Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That's my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.”  - Jennifer Salaiz.

The anger oh yes the anger.... I have been there once or twice... the hurt of being rejected is not a nice feeling... It consumed you, drowning you in self pity and self loathing and eventually you come out on the other end bitter and angry... and you use that anger to try to get even... 

Don't come running back to me when things goes awry with him... because I will shower you with lies and deceit so you'll know how it fell to be me... to choke with grief and to spit venom... revenge is sweeter when serve cold... 

Sure we could just pretending that this is all okay... we'll say hi and wave each other when our path crossed... you'll be in his arm while I sit alone across the room... trying hard not to make eye contact... sure, we could pretend... Let the fire burn this room to the ground and see who can pretend the longest... 

While this little angry fit of mine will eventually subside... the scar tissue that now sit in place of the open wound will forever reminded me of the time when we walked in space... A time best forgotten...

And for the love of all thing good.. stop contacting me every time your so called "boyfriend" treat you bad... I am not your go to friend... I never wanted to be just friend... leave me alone... I don't want to be tangled in your web of lies again... Once is enough... I am barely over you and now you're coming back... this vicious cycle needs to end girl... 

To feel is to be human.

It is raining outside and it's around 1:25 AM in the morning... I am struggling to fall asleep... Sleeping is overrated anyway... I wonder what would become of us... after all is said and done... is there anything left to look forward to... oblivion it seems.. is inevitable... It would be nice to be remembered... to know that we have touched a life (or more)... to delay oblivion just enough to make a different... to know that our life was not a waste... to prove that even in our darkest moments, we shined through because our hope never wavered and the will to be extraordinary is enough to push through any barriers physically or mentally... our fragile heart is also our strongest muscle... push us around hard enough and it'll trigger this strength unbeknownst to us before... for this strength is what makes us human... fragile but yet unbreakable...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"“To hurt is as human as to breathe.” JK Rowling.
"That's the thing about pain... it demand to to be felt..." TFIOS