I am not angry... I am just bitter

“Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That's my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.”  - Jennifer Salaiz.

The anger oh yes the anger.... I have been there once or twice... the hurt of being rejected is not a nice feeling... It consumed you, drowning you in self pity and self loathing and eventually you come out on the other end bitter and angry... and you use that anger to try to get even... 

Don't come running back to me when things goes awry with him... because I will shower you with lies and deceit so you'll know how it fell to be me... to choke with grief and to spit venom... revenge is sweeter when serve cold... 

Sure we could just pretending that this is all okay... we'll say hi and wave each other when our path crossed... you'll be in his arm while I sit alone across the room... trying hard not to make eye contact... sure, we could pretend... Let the fire burn this room to the ground and see who can pretend the longest... 

While this little angry fit of mine will eventually subside... the scar tissue that now sit in place of the open wound will forever reminded me of the time when we walked in space... A time best forgotten...

And for the love of all thing good.. stop contacting me every time your so called "boyfriend" treat you bad... I am not your go to friend... I never wanted to be just friend... leave me alone... I don't want to be tangled in your web of lies again... Once is enough... I am barely over you and now you're coming back... this vicious cycle needs to end girl... 

To feel is to be human.

It is raining outside and it's around 1:25 AM in the morning... I am struggling to fall asleep... Sleeping is overrated anyway... I wonder what would become of us... after all is said and done... is there anything left to look forward to... oblivion it seems.. is inevitable... It would be nice to be remembered... to know that we have touched a life (or more)... to delay oblivion just enough to make a different... to know that our life was not a waste... to prove that even in our darkest moments, we shined through because our hope never wavered and the will to be extraordinary is enough to push through any barriers physically or mentally... our fragile heart is also our strongest muscle... push us around hard enough and it'll trigger this strength unbeknownst to us before... for this strength is what makes us human... fragile but yet unbreakable...

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"“To hurt is as human as to breathe.” JK Rowling.
"That's the thing about pain... it demand to to be felt..." TFIOS

Re-POST: Sepi itu suka berteman...

Sepi itu tidak hadir tanpa ditemani si kembarnya sedih,
Duduk bersimpuh setia menemani hati yang dilanda pedih,
Adakalanya dia di sapa sang amarah, menghamburkan kata nista,
Tiada penawar abadi buat sepi yang setia itu kecuali masa,
Kerana masa bisa menawarkan segala duka lara.

Dan lalu bangkitlah wahai hati yang berteman sedih,
Kerana hari esok pasti akan tiba, dan siapa yang tahu apa akan dibawanya
Simpankan harapan pada hilangnya kecerahan cahaya mentari siang
Kerana gelap malam membawa kesepian yang membutakan mata
Apabila kehilangan, baru lah kita sedar akan apa yang kita pernah miliki.

Sulamkan pada genggaman
Sematkan pada kudrat hati
Tiada keciwa yang kekal
Kerana ianya adalah satu hiasan sementara

Susunkan semua cerita tentang dia
Kronologi sebuah siksa
Bukukan pengalaman dan letakkan di almari kisah hidupmu
Kerana kesilapan itu tiada erti jika tidak disesali

Buangkan dendam itu
Ke lautan dalam dan gelap
Dia hanya satu nama dalam senarai yang panjang
Ini bukan kali terakhir kau akan berteman dengan sepi

Regrets..?!! yes I do have a few...

If I could Marty Mcfly and go back and tell my younger self to listen to you... I would... but things happen for a reason and regrets are part and parcel of life... I really hope you never have to think about anything as much as I  think about you right here, right now (while watching a sad episode on TV)... I guess we all make mistakes, things we wish we could undo... these things eventually become regrets and parts of you and me (well maybe just me for the most part)...

I wish you all the best for your future endeavors... I cant escape this sentiment at the moment... and quite frankly I don't want to escape it... not yet anyway... 3 years is a long time... it is an investment I make to try and change a NO into a YES... and I really do think I can... for the first time in my life I actually tried to achieve something I really wanted... It just wasn't mean to be... you were right though... I didn't bother to listen.. thank you for the memories... that great eastern mall poem I wrote after our meeting there... remember ?  remember how it end... I did prophesied this ending... I just didn't realize it yet back then...

Invisibility is not cool anymore

I always thought my invisibility was just a phase. You know, like that bubble gum advertisement on TV, Where the guy was invisible until he pick up that bubble gum from his pocket and everyone were like, "oh hey there"... I guess I messed up somehow... looks like my invisibility is a permanent one...

And I used to think being invisible is a cool thing... I mean invisible man was one of my favorite TV show in the 90s/early 2000s... but not anymore... it is one thing to have the power to be invisible on command.. it is another thing when people just do not notice you even though you are not invisible... It just create this big hole inside of you... so people can see right through you like you were never there in the first place... a shitty feeling altogether... not nice and that much is true...

I have not been to my own home for the last 4 days... been spending a lot of time at my mom's place... I think it is due to the fasting month rather than anything else... but next week i had to be on my own for a week at least... I swapped my on-call rotation duty with my colleague at work.. i dont want to work on Hari Raya... no no no no... I want to be free the week leading up to Hari Raya and the week after that... so I had no choice but to swapped the on-call... On-call is no fun... but things are a little bearable these days... so hurray to that...

"Could I be read if I was see-through or would you just read my spine...?", Do you feel the same, Neon Ballroom, Silverchair 1999.