... and so it has began, another cheap thrill at the expense of the heart... the muscle that is either the strongest or the most fragile... am I that transparent? people always seems to figure me out... They always think they know more about me than I did myself... but then again... I never really care what other people think of me... people talks and that just what they do... who am I to stop them from talking... let just be merry and have a wonderful time with the time that was given to us...
I have made mistakes before and I will continue on to do so... some I regret and some I don't... we regret the things that we did not do and did not try to do... because deep down we will always wonder... what might have happened if we did try... I was never one to try before... I was too scared of the failure that I would rather not try and be hurt by the eventual failure... and my history with tries have never been so good anyway... but as I grow older... I slowly develop a taste for testing the water and see if it cold or warm... I would rather get burned than feel nothing... and so I tried... on various task... I started to look for jobs that are sometimes way beyond my current capacity... I tried tricks in games that I would never did before... and I decided if you like someone... or like a few someones then tell them... though this is harder to do... I used to concentrate on one but that never works for me... I tried on a few and that doesn't work for me either... hahaha so I have made this imaginary line... between success and failure... I was almost always on the failure side of things... on occasion I would be on the success side but that is very few and far between... and when it comes to the opposite sex... I'm always... and I do mean always on the losing side... sometimes I was too nice, too fast, too desperate, too open, and many many more... I guess they will never ever see me beyond another imaginary line... the friends and boyfriend line...
All or nothing... not the grey area in between... I have been to so many grey areas without much success... I don't want to be there anymore... I need to be either in or out... not some middle ground where nothing is as it seems... that middle ground has gotten me no where before and I doubt it will get me anywhere now... reality bites... I learn that the hard way.... there will always be people tries who break you... there will always be hope too... even in the dark... the moment you lose hope or feels like giving up... remember... it could have been much much worse... there are the darkest of loneliness or the blackest of despair... your only light is hope... have faith and it will lead you to me (ok not me... but someone or something else)...
It's 2:33 AM and I'm tired from the futsal game earlier.... I should get some sleep tomorrow is another day... and who know just what the tide may brings....
I need to learn to let go of the things I no longer need... I need to learn not to be a hoarder (figuratively or literally)... memories weren't meant to hold you back.... it was meant to remind you of who you are then and what you are now... make sense ? improvement is a state of mind... any forward motion counts...
A wise friend of mine once said this to me "gagal sekali bukan bermakna gagal selamanya"... and though I would struggle with my own feeling every now and then... failed at the things I wanted to accomplished... I know it could have been so much worse for me... I have been to the darkest place in myself... the place you call... "dark side of the heart"
