December 19, 2010

Even hitler had a girlfriend

This is an old song (90's are great) but still a favorite of mine... :)

I still haven't found a girlfriend, though I've tried a lot
So can you help me please, it's tougher than I thought
The odds are pretty good
But the goods are pretty odd
Though at this point I'd take anything you've got

You see this all the time, nice girls in love with jerks
What could they be thinking? Tell me how it works
Yes I've got some problems
Well I wouldn't be the first
But the ones I had in mind are even worse

And even Hitler had a girlfriend that he could always call
Who'd always be there for him despite of all his faults
He was the worst guy ever reviled and despised
Even Hitler had a girlfriend so why can't I? Why can't I?

Life is full of contradictions, hard to understand
And for every happy woman there's a lonely man
Nixon had his puppy
Charles Manson had his clan
But God forbid that I get a girlfriend

Even Hitler had a girlfriend that he could call his own
To sweeten the days of bitterness and feeling all alone
I'm not as bad as Hitler but it doesn't mean a thing
Since they'd rather be with Hitler more than me, I don't see
Why they'd rather be with Hitler more that me

Even Hitler had a girlfriend by Mr. T Experience

December 17, 2010

The tumblr bug


I need to learn on how to use tumblr... I just dont know how to activate the comment/notes option... is it that confusing or am I getting old for this stuff... you know IT and internet :(...

Tumblr was not around when I was a young and eager internet user... I tried everything back then... from the typical, " how the hell to find porn on the net "(which was super easy by the way)... to programming my own websites (yeah those days i'm up for everything that's lame (still do, but not that much anymore)...

So a couple of months ago... I stumbled onto tumblr (well one of my old blogging buddies moved to tumblr actually)... a micro blogging site... and curiosity gets the better off me, without much thinking ,I registered myself for an account (oh and it's here by the way...) 

It's not too shabby, great for posting pictures and a few words but blogging here is much better... kinda used to it by now... I moved blog so many times I have lost count... I started with in 2004 I think... then to, then to and now 

Ok, worthless posting today... I miss my youth so much this week that I can't really think about anything else but the past... somehow, I think my past is way better than my future... my present is a blur... hehehehe...

Oh crystal ball, quit showing me my past and show me my death instead :)

December 5, 2010

And you (walk on)

I love you
I hate you
I'd lie to you
I'd lie for you
I should have not told you this

I envy you
I want to be with you
I'd die for you
I'd let you die
I would let you save me (again)

I think you're hot
I think you're not
I'd remember you
I'd forget you
I never thought it'll come to this

I adore you
I disgust you
I'd take back what I've said
I'd do you again and again
I should have never let it come to this

I should have realized
I should have said the right words
I would have done it
If only I know
That time waits for no one but itself

12:13 PM on a lovely Monday...

November 22, 2010

The aftermath is secondary...

The party on the weekend was OK... would have loved for the turned out to by a bit more but it was OK for a small party... most of the attendees were my cousins and only a few friends turned up... maybe next time I'll bring some hot stripper then my friends would turn up in arms :) btu no families would be invited... hahahaha... now anyone know any good stripper... hahahaha 

And I need to learn on how to estimate the food situation... by 3pm the food were almost finished.. I ended up buying a bucket and a barrel of KFC just to accommodate the shortage.. the KFC then turned to be a tad bit too much since only about 4 more guests showed up after that... hahaha

I think the distance between now and the future is not that far... it is a matter of perception... I never one to plan ahead but the older I get... the harder it is to ignore planning... is it because I'm wiser now (highly unlikely since I still feel like an idiot) or is it because I'm no longer cavalier in my undertakings? I used to not worry about the aftermath... as long as I'm the only one who will suffer or benefited from it... it's full speed ahead... any forward motion counts... :)

I missed my cavalier self... free and careless... I missed making reckless decision, making impromptu plan... I had a lot of fun during those days... hell I even suffered from some of it... but it was all worth the trouble... I missed my youth.. now more so then ever... I hate growing old... always have... always will... you know what they say "growing up is optional, growing old is mandatory"... ah I missed all the misadventure of yesteryear.. the fun, the joy and the tears... Wouldn't change it for the world... it has made me who I am today... might not be the greatest human ever to walk the earth... might just be the greatest idiot ever to roamed the planet... I am still me... for better or worse :)

Better Living Industries: the aftermath is secondary

November 11, 2010

Now in my 30s

Just a little something I wrote for my 30th birthday last Wednesday... I am ancient :P

In the dead silent of the night
A lifetime of memories formed within myself
Are regurgitated, through the medium of sound
The deafening noise of the darkness that surrounds me
That bottomless place filled with rage and emptiness
I am alone with my thoughts

Falling through the never ending flashbacks
The rise and the falls, the greats and the doomed
Calling out my name,time and time again
Pushing me further to the point of no return
Spiraling away towards oblivion
I am in denial

Trying to remember the time when hope is plentiful
Replenish by the undying spirit to live on
A purpose, an aim for us to care about
And if you turned around, you'll see me
Pushing on, cheering for your glory
I can't walk away now

Can I be the only hope for you, because you're the only hope for me... ?

November 2, 2010

building a dillemma

Susah jugak hidup sendiri nie.. hari2 makan maggi... tak pun roti ngan kaya...giler babas tak sedap kalo dah hari2 melantak bende yang sama... bukannyer dapur takde.. tapi tak reti nak masak... oh and i dont have a fridge to keep all the meat/fishes/chicken... huhu... need to get one fast... then maybe boleh try my hands on cooking... goreng telur reti lah... at least something different kan... :)

I got my internet and astro all sorted out... so takde lah super bosan... I need a game console and then it'll be perfect... awatlah PS3 nie mahal sangat... XBOX pun mahal... Wii, game tak braper nak besh... huhu dillemma, dilemma... susah nyer nak buat rumah jadik the best man-child's pad... hahahaha

Maybe some reading stuff, some magazine with sexy ladies in it (oh luper plak, this one got already... thank you FHM) and some sci-fi books since I'm a freak for everything outer space... some robots... huhu banyak nyer belanjer...

" A treat for greedy eyes..."

October 27, 2010

Prom Nite!!!

... Was at Shangri-La over the weekend... helping a friend with the PA system and audio support the band performance... backbreaking work but it was worth the effort... I wish I could be on stage rocking it out... but I guess my time to be on the spotlight are over... those kids who were performing for their "before SPM so-call prom night" did good... they could have been better with a little more practice (not that I am any good)... I never had such thing... prom night that is... it is not a tradition here... plus I only went to a normal public school unlike these guys (all guys boarding school)... prom night is arranged (their alumni help with the financial need..super cool) and is part of their school tradition (minus the ladies)... our prom night is arrange between ourselves and I did not even bother to attend it (it was expensive... and I do not have that kind of money)

Nevertheless, some of the teacher there are HOTTTTTTT, I bet I would be a great student if my teacher were as hot... actually I did have a teacher that was hot... she taught me add math... for a few months... and from a hopeless student... I turned my results into an A... which is an achievement in itself (since I gave up on add math all together before my SPM).... but that teacher left and my results was back to F in no time... hahaha... but that is ancient history... you do need straight A's to be successful... hahaha OK that's a lie.... straight A's gets you places... straight B's get you places too but it takes a bit more time... :)

I guess being surrounded by school kids and teachers brings back some memories... a lot of those are good ones... I miss my high school days... sure I was not the clever kid or the coolest kid in school... all the nice and pretty girls are more attracted to jerks (what is that all about?? I guess jerks gets the best girl)... being the ordinary kid means you are less likely to get laid or have a date to prom... hell, even nerds gets the girl... I guess I'm just unlucky when it comes to the opposite sex... and it has been more than 10 years since I left school... my luck has not change at all... BUMMER!!!!!!!!

And I try to stay away from anything that connects me to my school, except my friends... a lot of awesome memories... but I hate those bullies... those kids who are screams and kicked you around only when you are in the school ground... outside of it they are just pretenders... what a bunch of idiots... I'd like to see where you are now....

enough of the bad experience... I'm going to drown myself in those sweet memories... and I still adore that girl I saw back in 1997... (she just got married recently)

" that girl got love like woe..."

October 10, 2010

Sally waited too long...

My thoughts have been wandering to the far reaches of my mind in the last few weeks... I know this is rather normal for me to wander off into those places... Although, usually not for a long period of time... but it is what it is... I'm beginning to understand some things and still at a lost for words on other things... I started to look for plans for my future... it is something I prefer not dabble about previously... I like to cross that bridge when I feel like I want to... future is yet to happen, worrying too much about it seems useless... or so I thought lah... but I cant hold it off anymore... something needs to be plan ahead... not all but some... and I guess the time is now to start to plan a bit... life is less interesting when it is planned but hey some risk are just not worth it.. :)

I'm moving out to live on my own starting today... the new place is still not complete but I guess it is good enough to live in... I need that refrigerator, that washing machine and I need to find a way to bring my bed to my new place... apart from that I think it is good enough... I slept there for a night last week... doesn't seems so scary... no ghouls, no bad dreams and no whispers... just that damn acid reflux (heartburn) that I experienced from time to time... must be something I ate...

Work has become too routine... though for the next 7 weeks, there will be a lot of changes done by the database team... the timing of the changes sucks big time... I had to stay back for hours just to help them... so instead of coming in early in the morning, I come in a bit late... hahaha 

I need some stimulation to get me going again... been sitting on my ass for far too long... maybe moving out of my mom's place would be the kick on the backside that I needed... horoscope, they are just taking a shot in the dark, though some of it seems to hit close to home... it is a matter of  interpretation... if you want it bad enough, you'll make sense of it all.... I choose not to believe all of it... just those that seems to have the right tone to it... the rest is just crap... utter nonsense written in a confusing way so that people can relate, even if it is just a shot in the dark...

Have a great week ahead people...

I still adore that white telecaster...

September 23, 2010

you is over

don't really know, don't really care
a fork in the road, leads to nowhere
funny how things, reveals the untold
secrets sworn, and reality sets in

you had never cared, when it is what it is
but now that it is over, you cry foul
kicking and screaming, like it meant something to you
away with your fakes, i got what it takes

solemnly strays, for what it may be
out with the old, in with the new
your hold, no longer strangled me
I'm free, I'm so ready

and then she said " Dude, you will never be able to forget me"
but that is so true (to a certain degree)...

3 weeks later... and that sentence lost it's momentum and the phrase " out of sight, out of mind" never makes more sense than it is now...

Adios Cinderella, you're history...

I'm chasing no shadow now...

Eat your heart out...
revenge is sweet...

August 12, 2010

Altar of shame

I stood still, and for a while,
time flies ever so slowly, waiting,
giving me room to breathe, to inhale,
the fresh new beginning, and to exhale,
the torment of yesteryear, a time not too long ago,

I picked up the pieces, buried in the sand of time,
placing them one by one, on the altar of shame,
so cold and bitter, it fills the air with animated taunts,
I gave up on us, we were never really together,
the love is dead, the heart charred beyond recognition,

I'll leave my room, open till sunrise,
for you, and if we ever crossed path,
turn your back and walk away,
I don't want you to see me, faltering,
I'm so lost, without you,

You are the ghost, my only venom,
never alone, but at times, lonely,
Are you afraid of being alone?
haunt my dreams, I am not waking up,
I cry for the times I thought I had you

July 22, 2010

snail mail

Setelah hampir give up menunggu, akhirnya Jumaat yang lalu surat yang aku tunggu selama ini pun tiba... nope not the LHDN letter containing some cheques... wont get that until i review my tax declaration (which is going to take a while because i cant find my receipts and most probably will have to forfeit my claims)... it is a letter with the title " VP notice"... freedom awaits me... not that far away now... I can almost taste it.. :)

Took a day off yesterday to settle some issues with the bank and made appointment to pick up the keys from the developer... man, i cant wait to move and live on my own... the sheer boredomness of living on your own with no one to talk to... am looking forward to that very much... managed to get the appointment before the fasting month started...  hopefully takde defect la even though from the forum, most of the residents cakap banyak defect... hopefully i'm the lucky few lah... i want to move in as soon as i can... and provided there's internet connection and Astro i'm all set for a new chapter in my life as a loser... and please let there be no ghost... i hate ghost ... huhu

Next Monday is the DR drill so wish me luck... i'm going to need it :)

July 12, 2010

Yang kian mati

Ku pejamkan mata hati
dari sepi dan sinaran sang mentari
agar kau dapat mengerti
yang dunia ini tiada simpati
buat mereka yang sering lari
dari terus menempuhi hari
yang penuh dengan onak dan duri

Tiada untung dan juga rugi
asal usaha sepenuh hati
biarlah perit tetap ku gagahi
membakar semangat yang kian mati

Hidup ini hanya sekali
peluang datang dan juga pergi
jangan kau sesekali menghindari
apa yang datang dengan sendiri
jangan sekali kau sesalkan apa yang di ambil kembali
tiada yang selamanya kecuali mati

July 5, 2010

nightmares of you

OK, most of the people I know, knows I suffer from this... telephonophobia... so I decided to read about on the net to see if I am actually suffer from it... and guess what... I am suffering from it... it is a part of social anxiety to which I also suffered from... and I thought I was born a healthy baby... who would have guess that a great technology like the telephone could give him/her nightmares...

I used to hate answering the phone when I was younger...but now I can at least answer my own phone... (I'm the last person in my circle of friends to adopt the mobile phone... and that was because I need to have a phone so I can apply for jobs)... but I'm still very hesitant to answer my office phone... every single time it rings it gives me a knot in my stomach... and the knot get even worst when I have to make a call... business or personal... I'd picked up a call any day over making a call to strangers... sometime even calling a friend is hard... to me calling is even harder than receiving a call... at work ,I usually will assign someone else to do the calling... give me the harder technical stuff to work on than making a phone call...

Suffering from social anxiety (and telephonophobia) is crippling and it prevent you from living your life to the fullest... it explain a lot of things in my life... why I rather stay at home than going to party full of strangers... why my home phone is never plugged in (it is always plugged in to the modem so I can hooked up the the internet where I feel most comfortable)... why went I did ask a girl that I like for her phone number but I will never call her at least until we have chatted enough in real life or on the internet to make me comfortable to call her... I'm a weirdo and a loser... and that's explain the lack of romance in my life... but then again, blaming it all on a disorder is as lame of an excuse as it can get... but hell I'm already lame... what different does that makes...

Now I wonder, what other disorder that I might suffer from... I know I'm acrophobic (that why I don't fancy working in a high rise building), claustrophobic (I avoid lift/elevator if I can)... hmm what else... not too sure if I'm hydrophobic... I mean I hate deep water because I cant swim and sharks... I'm not afraid of water itself... not xenophobic that's for sure... I can talk to strangers (guys mostly... girls they scare the hell out of me)... I just hate making calls to strangers... face to face... no problem at all... I'm maybe batrachophobic/bufonophobic because I sooo hate frogs and most of amphibians... I do not hate being alone... though you do need company else you'll go insane... I may not be able to fly... but I like flying... just as long as I don't look down... I'm okay
So anyway, this is supposed to be just about my telephonophobia and my social anxiety as well as my panic attack but comes to think of it... man do I suffers from a lot of disorder... I'm a loser with lots of baggage... no wonder I'm alone... hahahaha

have a great week ahead people...

June 29, 2010

lost in the middle

So, the last of the Asian team in the World Cup has been eliminated... even if I personally think they did played well, created the best chance without having much possession of the ball... and that is saying a lot... in football, it's not how much time you had on the ball that counts... its what you do with it (probably relevant to life as well)... They lacked a natural finisher who would instinctively get into good position to score, drift out-wide to create opportunity for others and hold the ball long enough for the midfield to join in the attack...

Defensively, they are great, which proved once again... size does not matter in football... Paraguay find it hard to break them and on occasion when they did break the defend, the goalkeeper is well position and the quality of the finishing of the Paraguayan forwards was nothing better than the Japanese... although they do have a much better forward-line compared to the Japanese...

In midfield is where Paraguay edged the Japanese... not because of they were better in term of quality but because they hold much of the ball during the match... meaning the Japanese midfield were often left with much chasing to do... Even by playing with a single striker and filling up their midfield, the Japanese midfield were overrun by the Paraguayans...

To go out to a penalty shootout is no shame... penalty kicks are a gamble... sometime you get it sometime you miss... Asian in general do not makes good striker... or at least I have seen none... hopefully things will change for the better... for what we lacks in skills we make up in determination... just ask the Koreans... :)

June 28, 2010

Time different = disaster

"Adoi, sakit, cilakak, ampeh, pandainyer lah aku, matilah, memang suwey lah..." Itu lah perkataan yg bergema dalam hati aku biler aku ternampak screen chat Microsoft Office Communicator aku terpapar tepat jam 2:40 waktu Malaysia tadi... " Did you manage to get on the conference call for the IMAC..... " ayat terpampang kat chat windows tu... shit!!! is it today?? adoi celaka lah... otak aku pun dengan sepantas gaban tukar baju perasai buat kire2... beza KL dengan east hub ade lah 12 jam kalau takde daylight saving... minggu lepas aku kire2 kalau pukul 2AM Eastern time on Monday = 2 petang KL on Tuesday ... nampak sangat gua ni bangang... kan ke salah tu... kalau beza 12 jam... 2 petang KL on monday = 2 pagi senin kat east hub US... mangkuk, bodoh bangang... adoi mati lah aku... selepas cakap sorry kat mamat omputih yg tolong ingat kan gua tu (pasal dier kena call pepagi bute ngan customer cakap gua tak join meeting/conference call)... gua pun dail la nombor yg diorang bagi kat email tu... "thank you for using AT&T service... bla bla bla, please enter your conference code follow by the hash or pound key"... gua pun dengan confidencenyer tekan... sekali salah?? eh.. bukan gua patut jadik leader ker... shit... dah ler lambat... sial lah... masukkan ajer lah participant code... boleh plak... huh lega... masuk jer conference terus cakap " maaf ler kawan2 ... saya pening... confuse ngan time different nie... maklum ler, saya memang jarang layan conference call nie..." fuh nasib baik diorang ok... kalo tak mati ler... so dah lebih kurang 45 minit lewat nie... diorang pun terus down kan application... unlock and release sumer DB files then suh gua backup Db nyer directory...

Setakat backup DB file... tak susah kot kater hati gua... hari jumaat lepas gua dah edit satu group nie untuk this specific task lah... sabtu hari tu gua dok tukar2 setting sket... takut ade buat salah ker hari jumaat tu... so gua pun run kan lah itu group... 10 minit gua tunggu tapi takde aper files pun dier backup... ni tak btol nie... cilakak... aku pun stop backup tu... check balik configuration... hmm... mesti tak specify media pool nie... aku nie mmg peluper ker aper... sial sungguh, 2/3 minggu nie asyik luper ajer... aku telan semut banyak sangat ker??? sekali tak leh edit media pool mase backup tgh running lah... sekali lagi adoi!!! another shit!!! tadi seblom gua start backup gua dah kill 3 backup dah... maklum ler tape drives tak cukup... so kena kasi bunuh lah itu backup session yg gua rase kurang important... takkan nak bunuh lagi yang lain... tinggal yg penting2 ajer tuh... pikir punyer pikir sekali aku rase paling baik edit group lain yg dah mmg ade media pool dah setup... nasib baik mmg banyak group lama yg aku tak delete and still boleh guna... dengan tak cool dan confidence aku edit monthly backup nyer group... edit scheduler dier skali and pow... run terus... nasib baik la jalan... kalo failed jugak, aku bunuh diri...

Sambil backup running, mamat ngan minah salleh nie pun berborak ler... small chat... pasal taufan... pasal oil spill, pasal nenek dier ade boyfriend, pasal polis kena tembak.... gua layan dengar ajer lah .. nak join gua maner la tau... oil spill tu gua tau la tapi cam tak kena ajer nak join... so wa dengar lah diorang borak2... lawak sial nenek dier ade boyfriend... way to go granny :)... aku ske plak mamat tu balas " well, we are human after all"

Tapi lepas sejam diorang suh stop itu backup... backup tak cukup laju kater nyer (lebih kurang 30 minit baru 28 GB backed up)... ye lah ade beraper backup tgh running... sumer berebut resource dari master server dan jugak dari network... so diorang kater application tak leh down lelamer... ramai org nak pakai... ok lah ... selamat gua... tu pun baru backup ajer... blom restore... pasal part 2 of this task kena restore kat server lain plak...

Tapi gua rase cam berslaah ajer, eventhough diorang kater kalo start sharp at 2AM eastern time blom tentu dapat abis dalam mase 2 jam...  aku kire2 pun... paling awal boleh habis 2 jam 20 minit... tapi itu estimation ajer... tak de guarantee gak... resource kena share aper mau buat .. lain arr sumer backup lain stop buat nie satu ajer then boleh ler laju sket...

Korang rase aku kena buang keje ker??... sure kena lah nie... adoi... mati ler camnie... camner lah gua boleh luper nak check bebetol timing meeting nie... ampeh... bulan depan DR drill plak... mau mampos camnie... oh well i'm not going to be around dfor the DR lah if they decided to fired my ass... hahaha

So hari nie confirm lah last day gua kat sini... been a blast y'all... saper ade keje kosong bak mai... gua dedicated, fast learner and desperate.... hahahahaha.... no seriously... ade keje tak??

June 26, 2010

Fire away

"That's it... I'm giving up" read my Facebook status update... it was not a downright suicide note or anything... I was actually trying to stay awake for one of the Argentina world cup game at 2:30am but my eyes weren't having any of it... no cooperation at all... so I wrote that status update a fell asleep within minutes after that... a friend asked me about it after a few days... I think he misunderstand the meaning... although giving up on everything related to my life was always in the back of my mind... If I do not have any financial commitment to adhere to... I just might just give up... not on being alive though... but on everything else lah... :)

I think July (and the last week of June) is going to be really hard... I had 3 project to deal with... 2 of it can be consider a major ones... a DR drill (which I screwed up badly the list time I was involved in it (which was my first time)... a phase that I call "career suicide move")... and an upgrade for one of the master server... this one I have no experience with and I'm kinda scared... you know being a pessimist and all... sometimes I wonder if my boss is asking a bit too much of me... without any proper documentation and training or certification... I know what better way to learn than by actually doing it but this is a production environment... any mistake could cost the customer a bomb... I mean I had kind of the big picture of how I'm supposed to handle the upgrade... but you can bet that ridiculously big salary of yours, that something will go astray and I will be clueless of what to do... production environment has the tendency to screw up when you least expecting it... oh well lets not worry about it too much yea... the more you worries the more it will be a burden...

Okey... I think I need to get out for a while... Uruguay and the USA will moved on to the quaver final I hope... am going to call my friends for a game of snooker or two...

June 7, 2010

killers and doctors

Gone to the movies last night... just because I need to scratched the itch... hahaha have not been to the movies for quite a while... but eventually made a mistake in choosing aston kucher + katherine heigl over jake gylenhaal + emma atherton (btol ka ini namer actress dier, malas sungguh mau google)... Killers is very boring and predictable....

The plot line is so like "I've seen this somewhere"... the climax is not so great... the comedy is not that funny... I chuckle at best... and it is so predictable... feel like leaving the cinema after an hour or so... well that's probably just me but hey feel free to torture yourself... at least you'll get to see heigl's boobs (or half boobs) in 1 scene... :) now that is worth the price for 1 ticket I'm sure... hahahahaha

I'm feeling under the weather today so I decided to work from home.. might go and see the doctor and ask for an MC... I hate to see the doctors... they'll find a way to poke you or stuck things down your throat.. and I hate that... luckily there's like a tonnes of paracetamol medicine at home... that my heal the fever but for the flu, I need to go to the doctors... man I wish I can self diagnose and buy the medicine... oh wait ... I can actually... I know I got a flu, a cough and a sore throat... and not that much of phlegm... I wonder if they sold Loratadine in the pharmacy... is it a control drugs? it might I think... because of the pseudoephedrine content... I need strong medication... so doctor jugak ler camnie

May 30, 2010

celibacy ends

The school holiday is coming real soon... so as usual, the school holiday comes with the wedding season... or musim orang kawin lah... in the first week itself aku dah dapat 2 invitation kawin dah.. satu kat melaka and satu lagi kat bangi... turn aku??? hahahaha ntah ler... nampak gaya macam lambat lagi ajer... bukan takmo tapi takde chance... hahahaha

So anyway, lama sangat dah aku tak update anything real on this blog... writer's block?? nahhhh... aku tewas dengan sifat malas aku... tapi itu lah... aku nak cuba be more pro-active... hopefully in the coming months... banyak ler perkara yg menarik jadik dalam hidup aku yg sememengnyer membosankan nie... i need to start using that camera i bought a couple of months back... at least kalo takde citer nak post .. boleh post gambar ye tak ???

Nobody likes Monday if they're honest... I am no different... but for what it worth... have a great day :)

May 25, 2010

the hate protocol

I look through the window beside my cubicle... it's feels like being stagnant... everything stopped... I wish for the rain to come... ease this unknown weary I feel inside... the sneaky evil malice that would eventually makes you do things you'll regret...

and then there's her... the very thing that should never re-appear but she did... and I thought I have been liberated... how wrong was I... the temptation to stop everything and start over again is overpowering... leave all the things I have built for the past 2/3 years just because I cant handle her??... I could just be a jerk and tell her off now could I?... or I could be a gentlemen and reason with her... even though the last time I did that... she still insisted on harassing me on a daily basis... it's not because I hated her... I just cant handle her clingy-ness (is there such a word??)... and I really thought I like clingy girl... how wrong was I... if this green monster ever show it's ugly face I will probably just be a jerk and tell her off.. or be a coward and let my friends do it for me... I just don't want to be associated with her anymore... you and me... we are just too freaking different to actually survive the emotional roller coaster that comes with being in a relationship... lets leave it there... no point going over the same facts over and over again... it read the same way upside down... we were never meant to be... or at least I seems to think so...

May 2, 2010

Early morning girl

Sometime early this morning, my sister gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl... so that makes me a proud uncle.. huhuhu...

A very big welcome to the world lil' baby girl... I'm going to be the best uncle you'll ever had...

I should probably start thinking about having one myself... unfortunately I cant find a girl that would actually likes me enough to marry me... hahahaha

I wonder if my sister would let me named her daughter... now that would be awesome... hehehe

when the cold nights seems bereft of joy
you came and brings us warmth and happiness
cries of awes echo through the sand of time
so suddenly, even the stars do not have time to realign

April 27, 2010

burning the midnight oil

experience the joy it brings... the moments that would last an eternity... a fight that would make others turn green in jealousy... enjoy the pleasure it brings

laugh at the silly jokes even when it doesn't make any sense... smile at the mere sight of her presence... when colors are monochrome... everything is in black and white... except for the both of you...

Share those treasured moments of each other company... while it last... because for all the fun and joy... happiness is a temporary state of mind... once reality set in... you are nothing but 2 strangers trying to make it work...

pessimist as i am... reality bites... we both know that misery loves company...

blind as i choose to be... expect the truth to hurt... even the optimistic ones...

the truth in my lies... and the lies in my truth... both are open to interpretations...

I am merely writing in the comfort of my fort.. stone cold heart with bloodshot eyes...

I need to get myself some sleep... hahahahaha :P

April 5, 2010


Are we dying by the suffocating grip of fascination?
Is infatuation a crime punishable by breaking the heart of one self?
Are you tired of this proverbial mundane ordinary routine of living a life worthy of dying?
Is falling for someone an unconscious reaction to being alone?

Where is the wiser when answers are no where to be found?
What will become of us if we keep on wondering?
When is this quest for explanation is going to end?

subtlety and not aristocracy
a shinning light in the face of mediocrity
break me free of this complacency
I don't want to be just another face in the crowd
Don't want to lead another meaningless consumer driven life

I'm tired of breaking someone else's fall
I'm done with playing the role of a mole
a caffeine laden drink and cocaine lined utensils
tell me if I'm telling an untruth

It ends tonight when the darkness turn to light
I'm sorry but I cant give you what you're asking of me

March 24, 2010

Lazy chair blues

Well another weekend's gone without me doing anything worth mentioning... and another one is coming up real soon... It has been ages since I've done anything worthy of my time... I'm getting lazier by the day... am not doing anything I like... most of the time... If I'm not on call... I'd be sleeping or driving around aimlessly trying to figure out what the hell am I supposed to do with the time that I had... I need a new hobby... I got myself an entry level, second hand DSLR camera a few weeks ago (on a cheap from a friend who have lost all interest in taking pictures... he love his fishing activity more hehehe)... was thinking that I can finally start taking pictures as a hobby since I've been fascinated by the activity for quite a while... unfortunately, it have been weeks and the camera still sit in the corner of my room doing nothing at all... I took like 5 pictures on it and that is it... it's not that I don't like taking pictures... but I don't really know how to operate the freaking thing... point and shoot camera is easy... DSLR, not so much... maybe I'm just dumb.. hahahaha... This weekend there's a paintball event going on for my department (or team rather)... would love to capture some of the moment there... hopefully I would be able to operate it... or else, I need to jumpe all my kaki foto balik to learn on how to operate the freaking D40...

The break when pretty bad... I really wasn't expecting it to be that bad... so much for an easy break that I was looking for... I cant fake my feeling... but she was adamant that she was not given enough chances... yeah maybe true... but it had to end... I'm running out of feeling faster than I could think... I hope karma don't come back and bite me in the behind for this... huhuhu... I really do think this is for the better...

I had some issue with my financial... well if you can call it an issue... people need to pay me back my money... giving loans to some people have become a problem because they just don't want to pay me back... mati ler camnie... luckily payday is just around the corner... else I'd be force to ask for a loan from some other people pulak... dammit!!!

".. there's something to be done, something to be found, something goes around,... so I'm waiting for the summer"

March 2, 2010

Another lesson learn in time

For the first time in my life, I initiated a break up... it would be nice if it does not have to end this way.. but i can't lie to myself anymore... staying together do more harm than good for the both of us... it has to end while we are still trying to learn about each other... if I let it go any further,... the hurt, the pain and the hate is going to get even worse... so I did it.. I was trying to do it as good as it can be... I guess it turn a bit ugly still... what do you expect??... no one likes to get dump... not even a loser like me... (and I've been dumped for more times than I'm willing to admit... OK rejected is more like it :P )

Arguing is not going to make it better... and I'd rather take all the blame than trying to proof that it was never meant to be... call me a liar if you will... I know you would not see it from my point of view... that's OK... who knows I might even regret this later in life... but at this moment I just can't go through a relationship that feels like a rope that is pulling me down...

I wish you well...
and i will never tell
because this is just a farewell
and we are not in hell

February 17, 2010

It took too much to conjure a conversation... how can this work???

I think I've made a mistake... at least part of me feels that way... I feel it takes too much effort to make it work... I'm a lazy person and I'd rather be in a relationship where it just fit just nicely instead of pushing hard to make it fit.. I don't know... I mean.. if it is worth it, then you'd do everything to make it fit... but sometimes it is just too much of a hassle to make it fit... I know I have been sooo wrong so many times in the past... but I just don't feel it this time around... I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel forced to be in it... it is bad for both physical and mental health... should I give it another chance even when I don't think it'll work ? I rather not waste any of our time trying to fix an impossible equation...

Now, how do I tell her???... I have never initiated a break up before... not because all my relationship before this works well... most of it never got off the ground... and those, which had potential ended prematurely... usually because of my takutness to confess or the moment has just passed ( I waited too long... usually because I was afraid I am misinterpreting the sign)  and it is fruitless to even try... One ended because I was having another go at another girl ( come on when you're 16 and 2 girls showed interest... you'd want both of them.. it'll make you look cool with your peers.. haha.. too much testosterone lah last time... I lost both in the end... so no win there...)

The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.”

February 9, 2010

what's your secret, chuck??

For some reason the weekend seems longer than usual... it usually passes by in a blink of an eye... but the past weekend was a little longer... for some reason time ticks so slowly and i am feeling the pace declining all around me... am i going senile ?? or something is bothering me??... i don't think so... life is kinda peachy... what the hell is wrong with me this weekend...


Things happened when you are not expecting it to happen... and when it happen, you are almost every time caught unprepared and by the time you realized that it caught you off-guard it is already too late to make amend... I guess that is why they said "Be careful of what you wish for"... huhu... the beauty of life... the surprise, the pain and the hope...

All of the sudden... I am in a situation that I'm totally unprepared for... do I just get on with it... should i stopped it before its too late ?... even i can't answer that... i think I'm just going to get on with it... see how it penned out... if it is a mistake, well another lesson learnt... 

January 28, 2010

Storm in a teacup

I wish i could have been a better conversationalist...
I wish i could conjured a topic out of thin air... 
I wish i could break the spell you had on me so i could be less of an idiot when I'm with you
The truth is... You scared the hell out of me...

I wish i could make a decision and not think of the consequences...
I wish i could be more impromptu with my call instead of trying to plan every single aspect of it (even though i usually hate to plan... you had that effect on me)
I wish i could make you laugh more often 
The truth is... You makes me try... which is something i don't usually do

Does it pay to wait for the next one to come when there is no guarantee the one you are craving for would come at all???

This close to a mid life crisis ?? hardly worth the wait... might as well make the best out of the present situation and hope the the one turn out to be this one... 

There are no guarantees in life... so what does that mean?? it is OK to gamble??? 
life is confusing...

Stuck between a rock and  a hard place....
nah not really... I'm just making a tempest in a teapot... you know me...any reason to hyped up an ordinary situation... because that how i roll.. hahahaha ok ok merapu lebih2 plak....

January 17, 2010

Hujung minggu yang amat bosan

While most people looks forward to the weekend... Aku pulak dah tak sangat eksaited dengan weekend... the only good thing about weekend adalah.. aku tak perlu nak bangun awal untuk pergi keje.. but lately.. semua on call duty diorang suh aku buat.. mak aih... almost 1 and a half month aku keje on weekend.. tapi biler claim reject... aper lancau???... nak suruh orang buat keje bayar lah... nak reject2 plak.. macam sial.. bengang sial .. dah ler kena keje.. tak dibayar pulak... inilah nasib keje kuli.. nak marah takut kena buang keje... nak maki boss.. some time boss tak salah..HR yg reject claim... diorang ingat diorang cantik sangat kot suke hati reject2 claim kitorang... well some mmg cun tapi tak justify lah tindakan nak reject claim kami pekerja kuli nie... silap2 ade hari nanti diorang makan kasut... ini lah dier nasib apabila company tempat anda berkerja telah dibeli oleh company yg lebih besar.. dan dengan kadar segera segala bende yg boleh di cut costnyer diorang implimentasi tanpa pikiaq btol2... dulu mase old management.. claim ok ajer... berebut org nak buat on call sebab carik duit lebih sket... new management sucks!!!!

I got myself a smart phone about 2 weeks ago.. and i guess it is true what they said " only smart people can use smart phones" hahahaha...  until now aku masih tak reti guna smart phone.. leceh btol... pakai tepon nokia jugak yg besh.... well... i guess it would takes some time to get use to it... plus kena lah campur org2 yg guna smart phone baru ler tau camner nak guna ye tak... kalo tak mmg tak berkembang ler otak... huhuhu... hajat nak pakai Apple ipood iphone tapi aku menyampah ngan Apple nie... camera sket nyer cekai... tak patut btol.. tak kena ngan harge dier yg super mahal... even the latest  iphone available here pun takde front camera for video call ? harge dah ler 2 ribu lebih... pikir sendiri la.. kalo duit mmg banyak lebih ok ler..  tapi kalo cukup2... tak payah ler...

Latest addiction skang nie??? latest FM game... FM2010 and online shopping... besh ler pulak browse barang2 kat blog and forum.. murah pun murah... kelabu la mater tgk mende2 yg dijual... kalau ler ade duit sumer aku nak.. tapi takde duit.. so tgk ajer la... hehehehe

The sentinels of revenge clad enemies.

January 13, 2010

Obligatory and disappointment

This is my supposedly new year entry... it is obligatory to do this... oh well not really but everyone is doing it... i guess since it is still January.. this could be counted as the new year post.... plus i only have 1 post for 2010 so far ...

looking back at 2009.... what have i accomplished?... nothing much really... still at the same job.. at the same company... at the same rank... and still hanging out at the same place i sued to frequent back in 2008... so in a simple way to put it... 2009 is..., well the same as 2008... nothing major... the only different from 2008 that i notice is that i actually travel out of my country... even if it is just Singapore... who cares... the last time i was in Singapore is when i was like 8 or 9 years old... that's 20 years ago...

 On my personal life... it is still the same... nothing major again there... now maybe in 2010 something major or at least half major will happen to me... ok how many new people i have met last years... quite a lot and hopefully the numbers double this year.. so my circle of friend will grow even bigger... how may movies i watched last year... maybe 1 or 2... at most 4.. can't really remember since i don't go to the cinema that often... well that is going to change this year... i can assure you that...

I don't think i went to any concert last year... and this year was supposed to start with bang since green day... my favorite band of all time is coming to Singapore.. but heck... my circle of friend is so small that i cant even find 1 friend to come and join me... well to be honest there was a few who was interested but other commitment make it hard for them to come and enjoy green day... now i would have gone alone if they were playing in KL... but my fear of traveling on my own is getting the best of me... damn how i wish i had the courage to just go at it all on my own.. but i just can't... still reeling from the disappointment... I'm sad about this.. that's for sure...

January 11, 2010

broken and shattered into pieces

"Sorry lah, I tak dapat join you lah. Ada kerja, tak bleh nak cuti... very2 sorry yer" (ayat standard kawan2 aku when bailing out on me...huhu )... dan dengan itu hancur lah harapan aku untuk pergi tengok Green Day live in Singapore... sungguh kecewa... my idols is coming here (well Singapore but it is close enough) and I cannot even find at least 1 person to go to Singapore with me... now that is just sad... Ingatkan dapat lah aku cancel one of the item in my bucket list... tapi aper kan daya... as much as i love green day (and i do love them alot ever since i was 14).. i just can't bring myself to go there alone... if only the concert is in KL... I dont mind going alone.. but Singapore?? alone ??? that is just sooo not me... adeh kaciwa sungguh.... i bet getting dumped felt a lot better than this... so sad.. so freaking sad i could smoke a pack of cigarette in a few hours time... huhuhu... if only i have money (lots and lots of it) ... I'd pay for my friends expenses... tapi aper kan daya... aku tak cukup kaya... so close but yet so far... I'm sorry billie joe... i'd kill to see you guys perform... but my fear of travelling alone is getting the better of me... plus it is no fun going to a concert alone...

I'm going to cancel my other  concert trip down south la macam nie.... it wouldn't be fair for me to go to the killers, Muse, Paramore or Boys like Girls when i can even bring myself to go and watch green day... hopefully silverchair and blink182 will eventually reach our shores in the near future (KL lah hopefully... traveling to Singapore still cost a bomb and i do not earn that much)... but frankly...  there is no substitute for green day... sure i love silverchair and blink 182... but i love green day more... please wake me up when january ends....