May 29, 2008

It sure does hurt.. a lot

I wanted to write something nice and melancholy here but as it has been for the last few years.. i cant seems to come up with a decent idea... i am falling away... no longer able to do what i like... and i thought getting your heart broken will open the flood gate for ideas... silly me... i hate to write about my failing and disappointment here... i know it is my blog and i should be able to write what i wanted... but i don't know.. somehow opening up doesn't seems to feel right anymore... life is a mess... i cant cope with the rest... am falling behind... am lost and confused...

i don't think i can pretend anymore... you know.. saying that it is ok.. and we should continue being friends.. when the truth is... I'm still harboring a faint hope that one day it will all be alright... she would finally give me a chance... i know it is like hoping for a miracle... it will never happen and i should move on...

*i know what i should do, i know what she is going to say
but i cant help feel differently about you
i cant just walk away...
i just cant turn off my feeling...
I'm sorry but this is who i am...

now I'm drowning in my sorrow while trying to keep a smile on my face so she wont notice... but the thing about girls is... they always know if you like her or not... they always know if a guys like/love her even without the guy saying it..... i cant move on.. when my heart is so stubborn and wont let it go... i don't have a chance, i know... i know this from the first moment i meet her... and this is not the pessimistic side of me talking.. this is the reality... but she is so... hmm what's the word?... wonderful?? i cant seems to get enough... even if it hurts...

So tell me what do I need when the words lose their meaning.

You know, if I had a blog, this would be a really big day for me.

* - Jimmy eat world's kill.mp3

May 22, 2008

The dynamic of friendship/relationship

platonic or otherwise...

I read in an article not so long ago that it is believe that a man and a woman could not be friends.. well they can pretend to be friend... but in truth, there is always a motive behind it.. be it romance or just lust.. haha... so now i look back at my own pathetic life.. and the friendship/relationship that i have or had...

i used to have a very good female friend.. it started as a crush as well.. but i give up very early as i thought i dont have a chance (yeah see the similarity with all the "relationship" i had before)... at least back then i know when to give up unlike the last "relationship" that i tried to start... but we became very good friend after that...
Recently before she got married she told me that i did have a chance... but i did not take it.. hahaha... what a timing... she told me a few weeks before she going to get married... haha.. but it is all too late and i look at her as a good friend now... it just wasn't meant to be... it's all good

The dynamic of a friendship/relationship between a dude and another dude is very different to a friendship/relationship between a dude and a girl... at least i seems to think so... why? i dont know... if i know why.. i wouldn't have so much trouble trying to keep a friendship purely platonic... which in my eyes is very hard to do... well if you dont have any ulterior motives.. sure it can be done... but that ulterior motives will crept up sooner or later... aku rase la... hahaha

in the real world i have lots and lots of male friends and very little female friends... why?.. i dont know... i seems to fall for every female friends i have (ok not all.. but it happened more often than not... though on some occasion i manage to get through it unscathed... only on 3 occasion that i failed to handle it... but that 3 occasion was, to me, a real falling head over heel for someone... but that's what i think la)... which i think is the reason why i have such a small number of female friends... i hope this wont make any female (who read this) dont want to be friends with me...

In the cyberworld i seems to have more female friends than male friends... go figure... hahaha... maybe in the cyberworld i am more interesting than i am in the real world... i dont know... i am not interesting at all.. cyberworld or not... but in the cyberworld it is very easy to mingle and get to know other people due to the lack of face to face interaction...

damn it is almost time to leave the office....
will get around later (much later) to revisit this...

Jimmy eat world - kill.mp3

May 14, 2008

Tagged by Reena

I was tagged by Reena.. so here goes :D


Just awaken from my deep slumber... smoking and surfing the internet

Current time
10:58 am

My Heart (The Perishers)


A lot of things... straightening my pathetic life for once.

What's new?
Nothing much.. trying to come to term with so many disappointment

Real name

Abu, loserkid,

Nope and the future isn't looking any brighter either...


High school


Are you a health freak?
Haha a big NO

Do you have a crush on someone?
i have to yes...

Do you like yourself?
Nope... not all the time


The dentist makes me loose my teeth.

Person you see in the morning
Nobody.. i'm alone in the morning.. does my cats count as a person?

T-shirt design for the treasure hunt... and i only came up with the idea someone else drew it not me

Sports you join in



Africa... i want to see lions, cheetah and the desert.


The last one that i attended was Good Charlotte at Bukit Jalil.

Iced Tea or just Tea

I'm about to
brake... too many disappointment to bear.

Your future
Cant see one in my crystal ball. Could only see the past.

Want kids

Sure.. who doesn't

Want to get married
Haha... if i can find a girl who doesn't mind spending the rest of her life with me.. why not... easier said than done.

Careers in mind
No more computer related work... i want to be with the animals... something like what Jeff Corwin or the late Steve Irwin does wouldn't be so bad. Behind a camera rather than in front of it.

Which is better?
Lips or Eyes - eyes
Hugs or Kisses - erk both?
Shorter or Taller - taller
Romantic or Spontaneous - both?
Sensitive or Loud – both!
Troublemaker or Hesitant? - hesitant?

Have you ever,

Kissed a stranger

haha... nope

Drank bubbles


Carbonated drinks

all the time during my teenage years.. good old days

Ran away from home

Yup.. but i when back home... lapaq lah.

Liked someone younger

o hell yeah

Broke someone's heart

hmm... maybe.. i'm not sure.

Been arrested

not yet

Cried when someone died


Do you believe in,
Yourself – sometimes.. but mostly no i don't believe in me
Angels - yup... it always help to know that there is someone who is watching over you.

Is there someone you want to be with right now?
You bet.. but she doesn't feel the same way about me...

May 5, 2008

Coming to term

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around,

and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

not even close…

not even a little bit…

not even at all.

May 2, 2008

now that's funny

All i hope for now is for her to understand why things between us can never be the same as it was before. it is not that i dont want to remain friend.. i do.. but i cant just get on with the friendship and pretend nothing ever happen.. because something did happen. Her companinship was always the highlight of my day at the office... and i guess that is where these stupid feeling started to bloomed. It is killing me that now i cant even go and say "Hi" to her.

I wrote an email to apologize to her because i dont think i can face her to say it in person. Lame, i know. Today she finally read it and response... she said that it was ok and she would like to remain friend. She also forgave me... to which i am very thankful. I replied (not sure if i should.. but hey.. my heart is stronger than my brain).. and said that it is not that i dont want to be friend... but i am ashamed and embarrased of how things turn out to be... and from this i hope she understand why i've been avoiding her.... i could not look at her any differently... i still have feeling for her (i know i should have thrown it away the moment i knew she was taken)... i cant just get rid off it... that is not how it supposed to work...

hopefully everything will end well.... i'm going to let myself drown in my sorrow for the time being... there is nothing better than that now... hopefully i will emerge from it with a much better feeling than i have now...

being rejected still sucks.. no matter how many time you may have experience it.. it still feels like the first time...