December 25, 2012


boo hoo another day at the end of the year
woo hoo soon a new adventure begins
hoo ha much ado about nothing
yuhuu is there anyone listening ?

yee haa I'm heading to a new low
phew that was another close call
hell yeah I'm ready for another disappointment
sigh what to regret when you have nothing to lose

nothing is built to last
not even hope for a change in luck
when push comes to shove
you'll give up more often than not

Sad melancholy of the sombre hue
the truth is not to find another you
and then it came out of the blue
wildly misconstrued, so it must be true

The end is nigh
the palpable phase of a misadventure
it begins as soon as it ends
totally not conforming to the rules of nature

December 7, 2012

No luck stranger

I am having no luck trying to see us through your eyes...
The perseverance weakens, my foothold slips,
and I fall down this long and winding tunnel,
living all the persistence that comes to nothing
(nice job Mr. I leave it too late)

Uncommon ground to lie on
bedding in all the disappointment
while the fury of another failure
sinking in strengthening the will to carry on
and in some distant future
Success lie waiting to be claimed

I am having no luck trying to see you now through my eyes
your grip is slipping and no longer weakens me
this fall while bad enough to 'cause an heartache
is a blessing in disguise, sunshine after the storm

I guess I should let it just be
Things happened for a reason
And I got no reason to
be bitter at what had happened
We are having no luck at being there for each other
So let just be strangers in a strange land

November 13, 2012

"The World Is Ugly"

The the world is ugly,
But you're beautiful to me.
Are you thinking of me?
Like I'm thinking of you.

I would say I'm sorry
but I really need to go.

I just wanted you to know
That the world is ugly,
But you're beautiful to me.

Are you thinking of me?
Are you thinking of him?

You could say you're sorry
but I think you both should go
I just wanted you to know,

There's an aching in my heart
And there's a burden in my eyes.
I could get a new start
But I'd rather learn not try.
I could find a new place
Maybe no one knows my name
But I think it's just the thing.
Oh are you happy now
Now that you got
What you came for
Are you
Are you happy now
Now that you got
What you came for
Are you happy now?
Now that you got what you came for
Are you happy
Are you happy now?
Now that you got what you came for. 

** an unreleased song by my chemical romance

October 18, 2012

Will I understand if she wants to be my friend ?

Have I been friend zoned again? ohh man, trying to change a girl's mind is hard... I declared my intention early on, I was nice, I listen, I helped when she asked me to, I was sincere, I remembered everything she told me (well almost all, my memory betrayed me some times), I even stayed up late just to be with her... now where did it go wrong...?? Probably the situation that we found ourselves in... without elaborating much on it, let just say it was pretty messed up... you know, boy like girl, girl got a boyfriend who clearly did not appreciate her, boy think he actually got a chance (when it is pretty clear he has not got no chance what so ever), boy took a gamble, they become good friend, and the boy realize that is as far as he can get, boy refused to give up but deep down he knows that he and her is never going to happen but persisted and shattered his already broken heart to smithereens... pretty common that you could even called it a cliche...  

Maybe I was a little bit pushy... or maybe I was an imbecile, what it my pretty lame sense of fashion or was it my pessimism (going for her was clearly the opposite of my pessimist self), Did I came too strong ? Well I'm ugly but there is nothing I could do about that ... or is it because I'm fat... Am I not worthy of a chance ? and I did not ask you to break up with him.. I ask you to have enough of self respect to leave the things that no longer makes you happy... probably it just wasn't meant to be... yeah but I can't help but noticing that you keep on giving your boyfriend chance after chance even when it doesn't makes any sense to give him any... and you complaint that he doesn't even care to try and make you happy... well, look at this direction and I know it is not perfection but girl, here is a guy who is dying for a chance to make you happy...

If all that you can give is "just friend" then be honest about it... I wont be mad at all... it is after all your decision... and I respect you for it... but I have enough friends, I don't need another one... lets just ignore each other and pretend what I confessed to you never happen... Don't worry about me... hey, at least I have tried... and I could be that guy... or I could be the worst decision you ever made... I guess we'll never know... life is too short and regrets are aplenty... I would have regret it if I didn't try because you are worth the effort and the pain of rejection... at least I know what the brain said was the truth... the heart was just not accepting no for an answer... well at least not before trying... now I can start the healing process... being rejected hurts... anyone who told you otherwise is lying... but don't worry... time heals everything even a serious case of broken heart... I will fall head over heel again for another girl and go through the same process again... it will hurt once more... I'm used to it by now...

I can't keep pretending that I'm cool with you keeping me as a shoulder to cry on... I'm sick of being the shoulder... why can't I be something else to you ? I can't be cool with your "lets wait and see".. because I waited and I saw... 

oh wait this is too early to give up... but it surely is enough time for you to know that I am sincere, and I don't play games... I am not getting any younger to play those games with you... and I don't know if I should post this now or wait until I'm totally giving up on this miracle to happen... and I know myself pretty well... I will go in and out about giving up... 1 text message, 1 call, a smile and hell even a miss call and I'm all weak in the knees... I'm such a loser... I know that I should said no, I know I should just walk away but I just can't... Maybe I am addicted to the pain... or maybe I am just a crazy deluded dude who have an active imagination and always seems to think he had the chance even when the odds are stacked again me... I am after all, only human... prone to make harsh decision only to regret it later... we learn by making mistakes... at least some of us do...

I really do hope you find that happiness you are looking for... it might not be me but I'm pretty sure it's not him either...

- on an unrelated note, I have quit my job... -

October 8, 2012

Letter to anonymous

nak tunggu ker or should I just cut loses and start anew?... A few weeks ago, aku dapat job offer dari satu company yang based dekat cyberjaya jugak... the offer is quite attractive, better salary (well actually almost the same cuma kat sini to get that figure aku kena la OT banyak2) and a chance for a new adventure. New adventure tu tak sure sangat la since I'll be doing what I'm doing now... tapi at least in a new work environment, a new IT infrastructure and i really want to go.. sebab aku dah terlalu selesa dengan keje sekarang.. dah takde thrill... everyday is the same as any other day... I have learn as much as I can from it... there are no longer the enthusiasm from me towards my work... I started to take things for granted these day... datang office pun ikut suke hati... agak agak aku malas aku kerja dari rumah ajer... semua kerja aku buat ala kadar... takde lagi the urgency to treat problem with high priority... takde lagi tarikan about my work... I'm, for a lack of a better word, exhausted... not from being overwork but from being there for so long without any significant progress.... I'm stagnant and irrelevant... a forgotten monument from yesteryear...

The problem is now... after a few weeks I still have not gotten the offer letter... semuanya yang dijanji dan dibincangakan ade lah only verbal agreement... some email but nothing concrete... aku plak sejak dapat offer tu makin malas nak bekerja... now if i'm being played... leceh la... I need to get back my mood kerja... and we all know that is pretty hard to do... no one likes to work but commitment... financial commitment yang menyebabkan kiter tahan jer la and terus bekerja... 

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately... about the future... something I don't usually do since I hate the unreal expectation I seems to always come up with.. hahaha, yeah I have an unrealistic view of the future.. like the zombie apocalypse... or aliens invasion... man that would have been so wonderful.. no more work... it's all about surviving... anyone can be a hero... jackasses and jerks will perished... and you can look like a hobo and still get girls... hahahahahaha... see, unreal right ??? I need to live in the real world and not in my oh so comfortable virtual world... alien invasion is more likely to happen dude... it's a vast space out there and I for one second cannot believe that we are the only intelligent life form out there... there must be others... reanimating the dead is definitely more complicated than suggested in the silver screen or TV... t-virus is a myth... 

So okay, I'm merapu pulak dah... that company called me last week and said that it might take a little longer for them to get me the offer latter since they are waiting for the US management to come to down Malaysia to discuss about the hiring (well the US management is coming down for a site visit or something lah aku rase)... then maybe by the 20th aku boleh tau la if the verbal offer is concrete or not... there also the complication of my release from my current company... see, i am supposed to give a 2 months notice but that company would like to buy out my contract so I could join them much earlier.. but i have a planned holiday with my mom, sister and cousin lah hujung bulan 11 nie... komplikasi yang melecehkan... but I would really like to blah dari sini by end of November... sebab early December the disaster recovery test/simulation dah start... Dah 4 tahun layan bende nie.. malas la pulak nak join tahun nie... 

Ok people... aku nak pi mandi and gerak pi office... dah nak lunch hour nie aku tak masuk office lagi... hehehehe.. Happy Tuesday... semangat sket nak kerja tu!

I'm no good and I don't belong...

September 19, 2012

bukit damansara

Ini cerita tentang kerja pertama aku dulu... well bukan pertama sangatlah sebab aku pernah bekerja kat shopping kompleks dan kerja makan gaji hari sebelum dapat kerja nie... ini merupakan kerja pejabat aku yang pertama... yang kekal lebih dari seminggu... dulu aku muda tak boleh kena marah sikit sure merajuk takmo kerja lagi... tapi disebabkan asyik bertukar kerja ajer... duit tu tak pernah nak lekat... senantiasa habis... biler aku pikir2 balik... banyak peluang kerja yang aku sia2 kan.. antaranya ialah semasa kerja sebagai customer service kat astro... mungkin masa tu aku masih rebel... masih tak boleh terima orang nak marah2 aku... so this one customer mula la tinggi suara... maybe dia tak berape paham apa yg aku cuba terangkan... customer nie memang kurang sket tahap kesabaran... biler dengar kena bayar jer terus nak melenting... dan aku pulak masih muda remaja lagi (eh takde la remaja sangat awal 20-an)... biler orang tinggi suara... aku pun tinggi la suara... apa hang ingat hang tu baguih sangat ka (eh aku bukan orang utara tau... tapi saja drmatik sket)... abis customer complaint kat supervisor/manager aku... mendapat la aku semburan dari supervisor amoi nie... garang jugak dier... tapi aku lagi garang... terus berenti then and there... supervisor sorang lagi tu ade call suh datang balik kerja sebab aku mase tu dah 3 hari bekerja rugi la... aku buat tak layan jer... even diorang call untuk bayar gaji yang 3 hari tu... aku balas kat akak tu... akak simpan ajer la.. x berbaloi nak bagi....

Ok so anyway berbalik kepada cerita asal aku tadi... tak lama lepas berenti dari astro... aku dapat call yang mengatakan aku di terima bekerja (sebagai hmm.. aku pun tak ingat ape jawatan aku yg pertama kat situ but by the time aku berenti setahun lebih selepas itu aku dah jadi IT support la lebih kurang) di sebuah syarikat konsultansi di bukit damansara (sehingga kini aku dah 2 kali bekerja dekat area tu)... since aku tak bekerja, diorang suruh start next week monday... mase tu kalau tak silap aku hari rabu... so sempat lah nak readykan diri... memandangkan aku memang takde baju pejabat nie... kalau ade pun maybe 2 helai... aku tak minat pakai kemeja.. rimas (nasib baik la keje sekarang ni kasual.. t shirt and jeans sudah memadai)... aku pun mintak pinjam duit ngan mak aku... dapat gaji nanti aku ganti... dapat la cukupkan 2 helai seluar slack hitam dan 3 helai baju pejabat... so tak perlu ulang2 baju sama dalam seminggu... 

hari ahad sebelum aku start keje aku dah sibuk test camne nak pegi ke bukit damansara dengan public transport... mane la ade kereta time tu... kete mak aku sure la dier nak pakai... dari rumah aku amik LRT ke masjid jamek... dan dari situ ade bas intrakota yg lalu depan office aku... so aku test hari ahad... cepat jer.. takde jam... biler hari isnin.. baru la aku tau... teruk la jam nak ke sana sebenarnya... hahaha

Kat office nie ramai awek dari lelaki.... small company jer, staff ade la dalam 15 org kot... lelaki hanya 5 orang dan yang lain perempuan... umur lebih kurang aku jer... mase tu seronok tak henggat nyer.. ye lah first time keje office.. ade cubicle sendiri, ade PC sendiri, kerja 9 to 5 memang cam org dah berjaya lah... hahaha naive sungguh aku mase tu... berbekalkan gaji RM1200 yang bila di tolak epf dan socso tinggal lebih kurang RM1000 jer aku perlahan2 kumpul duit dan settle kan kereta mak aku... dan dengan kereta tiara tu lah jugak aku bermula belajar menempuh kesesakan lalu lintas di tengah2 kota kuala lumpur (macam2 shortcut aku belajar dan almost everyday kaki sakit bawak kete manual nie)... mak aku bagi aku pakai kete asalnyer untuk seminggu jer... aku plak biler dah sedap driving takmo naik bas dah... hahaha... tapi sebab kereta ade satu jer... so tukar2 la ngan mak aku... mase tu memang tak terpikir nak beli kereta sendiri lagi... tak mampu kot... nak bayar hutang study loan lagi... bayar kereta mak aku lagi... berape sen jer tinggal lepas tolak tu sumer...

Dan aku ingat lagi benda pertama aku beli selepas dapat gaji selain dari bayar hutang ngan mak aku... aku beli sebijik kereta control... kecik2 dulu tak mampu... dapat tengok orang main jer... kereta berwarna merah yang copy sebijik subaru imprezza... kereta tu ade lagi aku rase... last sekali aku tau adik aku amik bawak pegi umah dier... tapi tak tau la nasib kereta tu sekarang nie... siap bawak pi racing ngan member2 kat port dickson tu... hahaha... sampai accident la kereta tu semua...  5 orang budak bujang pegi ke port dickson dengan 2 bijik kereta control subaru imprezza berwarna merah dan sebijik imprezza berwarna biru... sampai sekarang tiada seorang pun diantara kami yang mampu beli sebijik subaru imprezza yang real...

tapi biler aku terkenang balik zaman tu... walaupun gaji aku sedikit... aku tak pernah la takde duit... hutang sumer mampu bayar... mewah tu takde la tapi memang tak pernah kering kontang... sekarang nie gaji dah naik tapi duit tu selalu ajer takde... kadang nak kuar belanja gadis pun kena korek tabung... then pi la kedai mana2 tukar duit kertas... hahaha... dunia oh dunia... cepat betul engkau berputar meninggalkan insan yang leka... 

Saat yang paling aku suka zaman2 tu adelah waktu pagi... waktu baru jer sampai kat office.. selalu akan dapat idea untuk menulis... dan time tu aku selalu sangat menulis... puisi lah, sajak lah, poem lah... memacam lah... aku suke lepas turun dari bas or lepas parking proton tiara mak aku tu... jalan kaki dan bertembung ngan wajah2 mereka yang seakan membenci hakikat yang mereka terpaksa berkerja... masa tu aku suka sangat pegi office... jaranglah aku nak cuti... semangat masih tegar... sekarang nie kalau boleh hari2 aku nak work from home... dan memang selalu jugak aku work from home... semangat kian pudar... tidak seperti ketika darah masih muda...

Jodoh aku dengan syarikat tu tak lama selepas setahun 6 bulan aku berhenti... tanpa sebarang tawaran kerja lain atau perancangan yang kekal.. hehehe dan bukan sebab aku tak boleh kena marah or merajuk... sebenarnya mase tu aku hanya berbekalan segulung diploma...aku rase ianya tak cukup untuk aku naik pangkat and earn more money... although aku silap... aku ade jer kawan yang takde la tinggi pelajaran tapi pengalaman diorg memang tak leh lawan... aku belajar segulung kertas itu tidak menjamin masa depan yang cerah,... usaha itu lebih penting... tapi ketika itu aku masih muka dan tak nampak akan apa dia itu big picture... tapi kalau aku tak berenti dan sambung belajar mungkin aku tak akan berada di sini sekarang... ade hikmahnya disebalik keputusan yang terburu2 aku ambil ketika itu...

sayangnya tiada kisah chenta disitu, kalau tidak pasti memori lebih indah... aku di usia itu sangat low self esteem... sangat pessimis (masih lagi cuma tidak extreme seperti dulu) dan tidak percaya pada konsep kalau tak mencuba kita takkan tau sama ada kita berjaya atau tidak... my pessimism was too extreme that i'm almost anti social... ok maybe i'm being over dramatic here but itulah cerita aku dengan kerja pejabat ku yang pertama... boring kan.. tapi aku takde idea untuk menulis pada malam nie... tiba2 teringat akan kareer aku yang semakin membosankan... lalu ku titipkan disini buat tatapan umum... maner la tau ade pengajaran disebalik kisah silam yang macam haram nie... hahahaha

have a good rest.. esok masih hari bekerja... hahahaha

September 4, 2012

Rock and radical

escalator to the plain terrain of my brain

Apabila sunyi itu lebih membingitkan dan sepi sekalian alam memekakan halwa telinga maka itulah tandanya kebosanan telah mencapai had toleransi anda...

Lets set fire to the weakening of daylights... may the remnants of the fading sunshine be the remedy to this sickening boredomness... 

Oh lame association of the mind
Oh blame the lack of action of the hive mind
Pretty, pretty old saying no
Can't go more than so

September 2, 2012

walking contradiction

Selamat Hari Raya to all.... it's still not too late kan... Maaf zahir batin in case i have ever offended or say something that not particularly comes up well to you... nobody is perfect.. I'm nobody.. hahahahahahaha...
kidding lah... sincerely mintak maaf zahir batin yer....

So anyway, as per usual... I went back to Malacca for Hari Raya... Orang takde bini balik kampung sendiri lah... nak balik maner lagi ye tak... and a bought a girl back too this time around... a friend.. really just friend (although i would love to have said girlfriend instead of just friend)... sebab kesian dier raya kat KL sorang2... baik ler ikut aku balik kampung... ade la gak suasana raya... she's an orphan by the way (adik baru kawin so dier takmo balik kampung kacau adik dier nak raya ngan the in-laws)... and i love her so.... ehehehe sempat lagi tu hahahahaha.. tapi itu cerita lama... setahun lebih aku tunggu dan cuba ubah hati dier.. biar dier ske sket kat aku tapi takde jodoh kot... we were great as friends...hell, maybe more than just friends but we are just not boyfriend and girlfriend to each other... sayang.. kalau tak dah boleh plan nak kawen tahun depan... postpone lagi la cita2 nak berbini nie... hahaha... takpa kami muda lagi kot,... baru 31 jer... ujung tahun baru nak masuk 32... muda apa... klu kat amerika, umoq nie kira belia lagi nie... masih boleh main bola bola api chenta merana nie... hahahaha... cubaan untuk memujuk hati yang merana dan menggila ini gagal noooo... takpa2... esok masih ada...

Raya was OK, not great but OK... at least she was there... even if I have decided to cut my loses and pursuit others... but seeing her in her blue baju kurung all smiling and happy... I wish i could her as happy everyday... but i know i couldn't... because she wont let me... takpe la... mungkin bukan jodoh la tu... ok lah plak cerita jiwang karat nie... muntah plak orang nak bace...

I'm looking for a way out of my job... handling 3 different accounts is hell... especially the latest one that was assigned to me... without any proper handover and knowledge transfer... they expected me to know all... no way... i ain't gonna take this shit.. furthermore, we are not charging them for the work that we have done... I am not going to take all the crap they threw my way... plus it has been almost 5 years... and i have never work that long for a single company before... time for a change... even if for the worse... need to find my enthusiasm back... i feel nothing towards my work now... it's just a way to pay the bills... i need to be doing something else... IT world is slowly choking the life out of me...

ok my Astro is dead in the water... the technician said is was the TV and not the decoder... hmm i have serve the 2 year term... so i guess it is time to terminate astro and save RM90 per month... and if i quit smoking... that would be around RM400 a month more or less... and i'll have that duit hantaran in no time... hahahahahaha...

I burn bridges...

July 12, 2012

Kejamnya manusia (kisah hero, si kucing dan tuannya yang tabah)

Tak mampu aku nak tahan air mata dari mengalir bile aku tengok video nie.... kejam sungguh manusia... binatang yang tak bersalah menjadi mangsa...

Mujur masih ada lagi orang yang mempunyai hati dan perasaan... 

tengok dan nilai lah sendiri

June 20, 2012


mekarmu itu yang membisukan suara
kelopak kasih yang sekadar hiasan
membuka mata yang selalu terlena
mengungkap kisah semeriah gurindam hiburan
tiada lapuk dan tiada lupa

jejak langkahnya seolah seterumu
berjanji setia pada megah berdirinya sang ratu
membakar semangat hulubalang yang selalu membisu
memikul hasrat seluas lautan nan biru
yang kekal jitu itu hanyalah khayalan yang retak seribu

Derupan angin lalu membawa namamu pergi
maharani timur ke seantaro semesta
diiringi gegak gempita, kemusnahan yang kau cari
tiada nyawa yang sepi dari lirikan mata mu
terpacar dendam membara, binasalah seluruhnya

cuba ku tenteramkan gelora hati amarahmu
namun senyuman bengismu mencacatkan niatku
panas jiwa mu tiada yang dapat mengubahnya
sekali dititah, jangan ada yang membantah
jika tak mahu dibakar api jampi serapah

lalu ku dirikan sebuah momento di angkasa
membilang jejak - jejak sepi antara kita
mengimbau helaian ingatan di atas talian masa
Menjadi iktibar, amaran buat mereka yang mudah lupa
tentang kau tentang aku dan tentang kita
dulu kini dan seterusnya

June 5, 2012

we all need saving sometimes...

They didn't need saving... they don't even want to be saved... my mistakes...

May 8, 2012

Static space...

I know I'm kidding myself... I will always be on the outside looking in... and this window pane, it gets old after sometime... I cant keep doing this...

April 13, 2012

A feast for greedy eyes

Phuket was awesome... It was so awesome that I didn't want to come back... but we all have responsibilities and commitment that we cant simply get out of just like that... so with a heavy heart, I boarded the plane back to KL... I was a wreck going to Phuket and I was hoping I would come back in a better condition... Well I did for a while until she called and asked me to join her for a movie... Which was great since I knew that she was over her ex as per information from her bff... but I guess I got excited over nothing... the experience makes her even more cautious... well at least cautious enough not to make me her rebound guy... I guess it was never meant to be... we were great as friends... maybe even better as a little bit more than friend but just not to that level that I wanted to be.. the lovey dovey super mushy being madly into each other... so I guess this is the last time I'm trying... I have been pursuing her for far too long... so I'm moving on

So I spent 6 days in Phuket in early April... I was supposed to go there last year but work got in the way and the money I spent on the ticket got burned (yeah they said they will pay me back but it was never in black and white)... So finally I managed to get out of work and come to Phuket... and it was awesome... it was beyond awesome.. I just can't find the words for it... I went for 4 tour (krabi, phi phi, james bond and phuket city tour) and each of it was excellent... Maya bay was picturesque but too damn crowded... Raya island is super fantastic... and not to mention the friendly Thai girls... hahahaha I actually made a friend or 2 with the local girls... It was easier to make friend with the guys... well 2 is better than nothing at all... :P

Surrounded by bikini-clad chicks

Luckily I was already in KL when the tsunami alert was issued and thankfully nothing happened...The same thing happened to a friend of mine back in 2004 but the tsunami did happened and we know the rest of the story... She was at Phi Phi a day before the tsunami hit... a close call... so anyway.. don't want to bore you guys/girls with my boring story of Phuket... I'm planning to go back there again in the distance future...

March 23, 2012

Pantun jiwang kot...

Akar tanjung pagar selasih,
Balung kulit berisi serai;
Alangkah teruk menanggung kasih,
Tak kerana kulit tulang bercerai.

Kelip-kelip kusangka api,
Kalau api mana sumbunya?
Hilang ghaib kusangka mati,
Kalau mati mana kuburnya?

Kalau memerah limau kasturi,
Sebelum diperah buanglah bijinya;
Harta habis boleh dicari,
Patah hati apakah ubatnya.

Padang Panjang dilingkar bukit,
Bukit dilingkar kayu jati;
Kasih sayang bukan sedikit,
Dari mulut sampai ke hati.

Orang Acheh pulang ke Acheh,
Mengail kurau dapat senangin;
Bukan mudah kita berkasih,
Laksana wau melawan angin.

jauh lamunan ditampung siku,
tatapan mata jauh di ufuk,
sekali kau senyum aku terpaku,
sekali kau merajuk akan ku pujuk

*dicopy and paste dari sumber2 yang di suggest oleh google, kecuali satu sahaja yang ditulis sendiri

March 13, 2012

To get her... to forget her and and to accept that reality is not what it used to be

Dearest you,

This might not be the last time I decided to give up on pursuing you, but it sure feel like one. It is not that I have stop liking you, I really does not believe that is even possible. It is just I'm tired of waiting for my chance. I have waited for a long time without ever being given a chance. I would continue to wait if is does not affect my mental health but it does. I find it hard to concentrate on other stuff such as work and friends and I'm beginning to slowly fade away into oblivion. So this is to let you know that I no longer plan to wait. I'm hoping to move on. This chapter have been awesome for the most part, you have been the most tremendous almost girlfriend I ever had.

So I bid you adieu, may you find what you seek.

P/S:- If or when you decide that you might finally give me chance, please do let me know... for I am a loser who would actually turn back on my decision and not learn anything at all from all of this.

"I'm maybe ugly, but they sure love to stare"

Almost (doesn't count)

March 7, 2012

Cukup la tu kot...

Penat dah nak tunggu... so yang ni kira last lah... letih la aku tunggu... asyik2 kau balik kat dier jugak... cukup la tu ek... bukan nyer aku dah tak suke... tapi aku dah tak sanggup... sampai biler la nak aku tunggu... sedang kau tak pernah nak beri peluang... takpe biar sakit sekarang... at least sekarang aku dah tau hati kau camner... we were good together... it just.. you were never interest on anything more than just a platonic relationship... and I am... so cukup la usaha aku selama nie... bukan tak mau kawan... tapi it wont be fair to both of us... how do you expect me to be friends when i secretly hopes that you would ditched him for me... how can we be friends when every time we were together... I'm hoping to his place in your heart... hati aku tu ko simpan lah... nanti aku dah ready nak terjebak balik dalam kancah orang berchenta nie aku datang kat hang amik balik naaa....

dah almost 17 hours tak isap rokok... mintak2 boleh terus berenti lah... patut time kecewa2 nie la banyak merokok tapi batuk aku dah makin teruk... silap2 boleh mati nie kot.. ewah2 berdrama queen lah plak... so anyway... wish me luck... i'm trying my best to quit...

"good bye my almost lover"

February 23, 2012

Lagu rock klasik untuk awek tradisional part 1

Ade ker patut dier suruh wa balik?!!! wa dah penat datang sini nak carik tali gitar nylon dier boleh halau gua... panas terus telinga dengar dier punya membebel... mintak diskaun sket pun tak boleh ker... wa nak beli 3 tali bawah tu jer... tali atas (bass) wa dah ade... wat pe nak beli lagi.. buat rugi jer... dah ler wa jenis orang yang kurang berduit.. tapi cita2 besar nak jadik artis... so wa tak kire wa nak belik 3 keping/bijik/utas jer... gado nyer gado.. dapat ler gak wa beli tali gitar tu... wahahaha senyum terus... dapat gak main gitar balik umah nanti...

Panasnyer hari ni.. tu dia, matahari dok lepak tegak atas kepala wa... apelah lah nasib kedai jauh dari bus stand... dah tu bas stand takde bumbung plak... saper la yang pandai wat keje sampai bumbung bleh tercabut... mmg otak letak kat lutut... nak design bus stand buat ler elok2... nie kasi orang susah ajer... hangin nie... panas ler bodoh... so dengan perlahan wa pun mengheret kaki yang berat nie untuk terus melangkah ke arah bus stand yang hidup segan, mati tak mahu itu... Selipar berjenama "ipanema" nie pun dah tak mampu nak menghalang kepanasan jalan berturap ini dari menyapa tapak kaki wa... pedih siot... takpe la.. wa pun serong masuk kompleks membeli belah ler... sejuk sket...

Gitar wa boleh tunggu... nanti balik umah wa belai la dier... impian nak jadik artis pun bukan boleh capai hari nie... "buat aper lu nak rushing... panas tu... bas pun bukan ikut jadual... mau masak otak lu dok kat bus stand tu" bentak hati wa... "nanti kulit jadik hitam susah plak nak jadik artis" tambah logik otak wa... betul gak tu kan... nanti camner wa nak masuk Akedemi Fantasia... dah ler rupe takde... so, lepak kat kompleks membeli belah ler nampak gayanya... dapat gak usha gadis2 yang baru pulang dari sekolah... comey2 belako nie... hahaha...

Sampai kat pintu masuk, wa berenti kejap... tangan masuk poket seluar capai kotak rokok dunhill yang dah agak lunyai akibat selalu keluar masuk poket jeans wa yang amat ketat... rock kapak ler kater kan... ambik sebatang rokok... sekali lighter takde plak... ni lah masalah biler kawan - kawan wa merupekan pencopet lighter bersiri (wa takde kawan pembunuh bersiri lagi tau)... masalah btol... terpakse la mintak kat abg guard yang setia menjaga struktur batu bata nie dari kena rompak... namun dia tak berdaya nak menghalang moral manusia yang selalu singgah disini yang sering dicuri oleh pengaruh dari negara barat... "dik kat sini tak leh isap rokok... kau nak isap rokok, ko pegi lah sorok sket" tegur abg guard tu sambil menutup sebelah mata biler wa buat tak dengar jer apa yang dier cakap tu...

Wa pun jalan sket ke tepi... takmo lah buat macam bangunan 4 tingkat nie bapak wa yang punya... abg tu pun dah baik kasi wa pinjam lighter... ramai jugak orang waktu nie... diorang nie tak keje ker? wa ingat wa sorang jer yang tanam anggur... isap rokok nie buat tekak wa pedih dan kering... tahankan jer ar dlu... rokok panjang lagi nie... rugi nak buang... duit pun bukan ade sangat... dan dengan setiap sedutan, nikotin pun mula la memenuhi paru - paru wa dan seterusnya ke aliran darah yang membawa kenikmatan nikotin itu kepada otak yang memproses data itu lalu memberi rasa yang sukar aku nak terangkan.. nak kata sedap tak jugak,.. rokok nie pahit.. tapi lagi banyak wa merokok lagi sedap...

Abis rokok, wa terus masuk bangunan 4 tingkat berwarna kuning cerah dan hijau ni, berpeluh dah dok berjemur tengah panas... kehadiran wa disambut senyuman amoi yang tengah buat promosi kad kredit... tapi senyum ajer la... tak der dier nak tegur pun... org sengkek cam wa maner la nak mampu pakai kredit kad... kad ATM pun takde... bau minyak wangi si amoi gedik pun memenuhi rongga hidung aku... sedapnyer la bau dier... tekak gua terus meraung mintak di isi dengan ayaq sejuk... singgah kedai beli air mineral kejap dan wa pun terus pi check kedai CD...

kaki wa cepat jer melangkah pegi tempat CD rock dijual... nak beli takde duit so wa pun membelek ajer la nak buang mase sampai badan wa sejuk balik... lama dah tak beli CD, asyik muat turun dari ruang siber ajer... dinamik peminat dengan muzik sudah tak seperti dulu... lagu kini bebas dimuat turun dari internet dan konsert sekarang dijual dalam bentuk cakera padat... tak perlu bersusah payah berebut dikalangan ribuan manusia untuk melihat artis kesayangan menyanyi... tapi tengok konsert kalau tak tengok secara langsung sangat tidak menarik... tak dapat nak turut serta di dalam  "mosh pit"...

30 minit berlalu tanpa sedar... badan wa pun dah sejuk... jadi wa pun memutuskan untuk pegi tunggu bas kat bus stand rangka tu lah... dah lama sangat wa keluar... dari pagi tadi... asalnya nak beli tali gitar tapi boleh terjebak plak ke kedai game... perut pun dan meronta mintak diisi... tadi mak wa ade cakap dier nak masak asam pedas ari ni... lagu metal dalam perut gua pun makin menjerit - jerit...

Wa pun terus je bergerak dari kedai CD tanpa menghiraukan gadis gadis berbaju kurung putih dan berkain biru yang memang gebu gebu itu... mereka muda lagi cantik... mat rockers bermuka ganas seperti aku nie mmg tak mereka hiraukan... lagi pun wa tak berkerja... camner la nak bawak mereka nie pegi dating... diri sendiri pun tak mampu nak sara ada hati nak mengurat anak dara orang heh...

Cuaca pun dah nak mula mendung... sejuk la sket... berlari wa apabila ternampak bas mini bernombor 60 ada menunggu dekat bus stand rangka tu... nasib baik sempat naik... terpaksa la berdiri kerana ramai pulak orang hari ni... tapi tak mengapa lah, lagi 3 perhentian sampai la ke rumah wa... mak wa pun sure dah abis masak... jangan adik wa pegi habiskan lauk dah ler... mau wa sekeh kepala dier... dalam ramai - ramai manusia di dalam bas nie, ade seorang gadis berbaju kurung biru cair dah berkain biru gelap berdiri sebelah wa... wa kenal awek nie... duduk tak jauh dari rumah wa... di tangannya ada buku bertajuk "matematik tambahan tingkatan 5"... oh awek science stream rupenyer... 2 tahun lepas wa pun ade ambik mata pelajaran yang sama... tapi sayang wa tak berape pandai mengira nie... lembut jer wajah dier, rambutnya berterbangan ditiup angin sebab drebar bas nie bawak cam org nak berak plak... pegangannya pada besi semakin kuat bimbang terjatuh kat aku la tu kot... nampak keletihan tapi dier tetap menggenggam besi tu macam takmo lepas...

Pedal brek bas itu ditekan secara memeranjat... wa yang dah berpegang teguh nie pun tersenget ke arah awek tu, puas sudah wa arahkan segala kudrat untuk tidak jatuh pada si gadis berbaju biru berbau harum... tetapi wa gagal... "pelepek" wa terjatuh kat dier... nasib baik dier tak jatuh sekali... brader drebar nie sajer nak malukan wa nie... "erm sori Ima" wa cakap kat gadis tu... pernah la wa tegur dier mase kecik kecik dulu.. dah jiran kan... "drebar bas nie brek mengejut" sambung wa... Dier hanya tersenyum dan berkata "it's okay"... wa pun membongkok tolong amik buku teks dier yang terjatuh tadi... "maaf yer" kali nie wa plak tersenyum kat dier... dah besar si Ima nie... makin lawo... mata yang galak... kulit putih... sopan sungguh plak tu... goyang kekerasan hati wa yang amat rock nie... dier pun balas senyum wa sambil berkata " lain kali pegang kuat kuat jangan dok nak skodeng awek jer"... tergelak besar wa... rupernyer dier perasan wa dok tengok muka dier dari tadi... tersenyum malu la wa sekejap... dier pun tekan loceng untuk memberitahu si drebar yang celaka tu untuk berhenti di perhentian seterusnya...

Laju Ima melangkah untuk pulang ke rumah... wa saja jalan perlahan -lahan tengok telatah dia... "takpe nanti petang wa jumpe adik lu wa nak mintak no telepon lu".. sambil wa merancang untuk turun main gitar petang nie kat bawah rumah pangsa wa... adik dier selalu lepak kat situ... minat betul dier tengok wa main gitar... nanti wa nak tanya la adik dier mintak no telepon... Ima pun dah hilang ditelan bangunan 17 tingkat tu... wa pun mengeluh lalu menekan butang lif... perut wa yang tadinya lupa akan kelaparannya kini kembali mengingatkan wa yang ianya juga perlu diberi perhatian...  pintu lif pun terbuka dan wa pun tekan butang 11... rumah Ima di tingkat 10...

ok cukup la tu testing menulis tanpa peduli akan ejaan, kosa kata dan susunan... tunggu lah aku start tulis fiksyen/thriller aku nanti... baru bleh buat proof reading.. hehehehe...

vocabulary aku masih nipis... belum sesuai untuk menulis dengan serius... cerita nie nanti aku sambung... penyakit ADD aku dah mai... buat aku hilang fokus... nanti biler minat dan idea datang kembali, aku akan sambung... (plus aku tak rase ade orang bace nukilan aku nie... tapi takpe la.. aku tulis untuk hiburan sendiri... syok sendiri to be exact)... plus kali nie aku post kat FB dlu esok lusa baru post kat blog... terbalik dari habit biasa... post to blog first then FB...

"tiada sesuatu benda pun yang tiada bayang - bayang kecuali terang itu sendiri"

February 21, 2012

I'm so used to not getting what i wanted...

Well they said that if you kept on chasing sometime you will eventually get it... well that's a load of bull crap... I mean I have been chasing stuffs that I wanted the most without any success... well that is until a week ago... I cant say for sure that I managed to get it but it is within my grasp now or at least it seems that way... and I have never managed to be this near to the things I wanted the most before... So I don't even know how to react... should I keep doing what I have been doing ? Should I change my strategy and run along side it... ? Should I now stop and see if it would stop too... I don't know...  the fact of the matter is I so wanted this to happen... It kind of blowing my mind at the moment... one thing for certain is... it is mine to lose this time around (or is it)... but the situation sucks... it just wont come near enough to hold.... A few more step and it is the most difficult...

My pessimism isn't very helpful... doubting the reality... is this really happening ? and if this is really happening, how long do I have to wait still for it to be REAL... not some lame journey of near misses... am I jeopardizing my own chances by being super scared of the consequences of my own action pertaining the subject matter ? too many question and not a lot of answers...

I guess the lack of confidence and experience might well be the enemy... I cannot just act cool when my heart is beating 1000 times per minutes when she is near... and I'm so obvious that I'm scared that she would lose interest and be on her way... but I can't be the only one with the fear of the near misses... what about her... don't she fear the same thing ? maybe it is still at its infancy and I should not be too naive... 

The situation is not favorable but I would be stupid to let it influence the outcome of this... whatever you want to call this... 

So I will back off a bit... I will try not to push too much... even if it will not yield the result that I aimed for... because... I cannot be the only one who fear the negative outcome.. she should too...

I am tired and unwilling to be the only one that cares...

January 10, 2012

Great Eastern Mall

Di tepi jalan ampang
Di depan great eastern mall
Di temani gadis girang
Di buai mimpi yang tiada kepastian

Di antara tawa dan senyumnya
Di kala aku hilang (fikiran ku melayang)
Di manakah mulanya
Di manakah akhirnya kita

Di tiup angin malam
Di rambutnya ku selitkan sekuntum bunga
Di telefon bimbit ku rakam sebuah gambar
Di situ juga lah, aku terjatuh...

biar lah tiada peluang
biar lah tiada harapan

bibit permulaan hampir selalunya indah
di hujung perjalanan ini aku tahu
yang kau pasti akan pergi
meninggalkan aku
di great eastern mall
tempat kau dan aku
tempat lahirnya sebuah cerita
yang penghujungnya
hanya ada pada dirimu.

January 3, 2012

I would rather have you...

If I could have the world
I wouldn’t want it
If I could have fame or fortune
I’d say no
The only thing I want
Is your love
I would rather have that
Than anything this world has to offer
But i can't tell you
How bad it hurts
For me to give out
And receive nothing back
And just watch you fall apart
Right in front of me
I never thought this would happen
But life is full of surprises
we must take our hits and move on
And maybe someday you will realize
That I love you more than you’ll ever know
And I pray that before it’s all said and done
You come running back to me
With open arms
Because no matter what
I’ll always be waiting
I’ll never give up.