the plan

The plan is to... date a 100 chicks
hahahahaha.. I said this every year only to failed to achieve it
Maybe I should go modest...
date 10 chicks instead...
that looks achievable right ?
Or maybe just 1... this is very achievable...
let's make it more fun..
She cannot be someone I already knew
Must not be a friend of a friend
hahahaha... now that looks hard...
being a social paranoid wont help much...
does online dating counts ?

suggestions are mot welcome

Happy new year...

The price of being a wallflower

It has been a long time since I last wrote here... a lot have happened since... not many of those I'd like to get into right now... 

I wanted to write something cool, something poetic or something inspiring because that is just what I do when I am feeling a little down or sad... It was something I did a lot during my teens... I guess I don't get sad a lot when I was a kid... Personally, I think kids just don't register the feeling of being sad... Sure, we cried a lot but it was because we were hurt… physically hurt...  not emotionally... our range of emotion was limited.... as they aren't fully developed.... our range of feeling weren't as wide as it is in our 30's that is for sure....

It is never a nice feeling being lied to… especially by someone you cared about... you know the saying that goes "the person you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger..." that's how it felt right now... I guess what they said is true then... the truth hurts... reality bites... honesty is a bitter pill to swallow... I think that is why honesty is a rare virtue in adults... we just can't handle honesty like kids does...

While I know my hearts is the worst kind of weapon in this kind of situation... ever so awkwardly trying to convince the mind that revenge is sweet... an eye for an eye... hate begets hate... I just can't bring myself to seek retribution... for I am weak... I am useless when it comes to getting mad and turn it into a useful force (I am pretty much useless anyway but this gets me the most)... I would rather sweep it under and move on... people have a reason for doing what they did... and I am no different...

Maybe I am overreacting... maybe this is just a test... a small bump on the road... if i can't handle this how would I handle the true test of relationship... or maybe this is the sign of things to come.... should I just stay and let the deceit rages on... it is one thing to realize that you are being lied to... it is a whole different thing to call it out in the open and put an end to the deception.

The definition of stupid is to know the truth and to see the truth but still believing the lies.... and I don't want to be stupid no more.... it's not fun...

Selayang pandang sedetik pulang

Rasa yang terdetik acap kali terpandang wajah mu
Persona jiwa ku kau belit dengan senyum mu
Seolah ada kata kata puitis yang kita catatkan bersama
Menyulam kisah berbenangkan kasih antara insan yang alpa
Di dalam dunia yang kita rekakan sendiri

Tanpa kata kau nyanyikan irama lunak membelai hati
Yang sering terpekik terlolong mencari erti sebuah jalinan
Hilangkan segala amarah dan gelisah yang sering menjelma
Tatkala siang semakin hilang genggaman pada sinaran mentari
kau bukti, tanda abadi, yang rasa ini bukan ilusi

Sangsi yang dulu bermaharajalela didalam jiwa, kini mati
ditukar ganti dengan pasti yang tetap dan lestari
Sentuhan magis mu mencetus reaksi berantai di dalam diri ini
Melahirkan aku yang optimis; tidak lagi menyendiri
Rasa yang bermula dari mata, kini turunnya ke hati

Hujan lagi

Hujan lebat yang engkau cemuh
Membasuh dosa di waktu subuh
Bukan sepi itu yang aku keluh
Tetapi rasa ini yang membunuh

Tiada siapa yang ambil peduli
Akan titisan yang menghujani bumi
Mencemari sinaran sang matahari
Mencipta ilusi, fantasi si pelangi

Air yang tenang engkau nodai
Tasik yang tenteram berkocak kini
Ada yang bersembunyi
Dan ada yang berlari
Semuanya ku perhati
dari tingkap ini

ever after is a myth

the wayward inclination of my own emotions
the ever longing to be by your side
the grand ideas of the way things should be
and the eventual desolation that engulfed any hope of redemption

and yet, here lies the memento
the ever present aide-memoire
a mnemonic representation of a distant rememberance
a tale best forgotten, an epic story of the non-existence of success
simply bereft us of the future we once knew

here and now and no more
the present will set you free
the one eyed will never be king
for all he did was to misled and to deceive

Ever after is a myth
a three eyed monster meant to blind the masses of the impending arrival
of the new world order
to kill and to repeat.