Will I understand if she wants to be my friend ?

Have I been friend zoned again? ohh man, trying to change a girl's mind is hard... I declared my intention early on, I was nice, I listen, I helped when she asked me to, I was sincere, I remembered everything she told me (well almost all, my memory betrayed me some times), I even stayed up late just to be with her... now where did it go wrong...?? Probably the situation that we found ourselves in... without elaborating much on it, let just say it was pretty messed up... you know, boy like girl, girl got a boyfriend who clearly did not appreciate her, boy think he actually got a chance (when it is pretty clear he has not got no chance what so ever), boy took a gamble, they become good friend, and the boy realize that is as far as he can get, boy refused to give up but deep down he knows that he and her is never going to happen but persisted and shattered his already broken heart to smithereens... pretty common that you could even called it a cliche...  

Maybe I was a little bit pushy... or maybe I was an imbecile, what it my pretty lame sense of fashion or was it my pessimism (going for her was clearly the opposite of my pessimist self), Did I came too strong ? Well I'm ugly but there is nothing I could do about that ... or is it because I'm fat... Am I not worthy of a chance ? and I did not ask you to break up with him.. I ask you to have enough of self respect to leave the things that no longer makes you happy... probably it just wasn't meant to be... yeah but I can't help but noticing that you keep on giving your boyfriend chance after chance even when it doesn't makes any sense to give him any... and you complaint that he doesn't even care to try and make you happy... well, look at this direction and I know it is not perfection but girl, here is a guy who is dying for a chance to make you happy...

If all that you can give is "just friend" then be honest about it... I wont be mad at all... it is after all your decision... and I respect you for it... but I have enough friends, I don't need another one... lets just ignore each other and pretend what I confessed to you never happen... Don't worry about me... hey, at least I have tried... and I could be that guy... or I could be the worst decision you ever made... I guess we'll never know... life is too short and regrets are aplenty... I would have regret it if I didn't try because you are worth the effort and the pain of rejection... at least I know what the brain said was the truth... the heart was just not accepting no for an answer... well at least not before trying... now I can start the healing process... being rejected hurts... anyone who told you otherwise is lying... but don't worry... time heals everything even a serious case of broken heart... I will fall head over heel again for another girl and go through the same process again... it will hurt once more... I'm used to it by now...

I can't keep pretending that I'm cool with you keeping me as a shoulder to cry on... I'm sick of being the shoulder... why can't I be something else to you ? I can't be cool with your "lets wait and see".. because I waited and I saw... 

oh wait this is too early to give up... but it surely is enough time for you to know that I am sincere, and I don't play games... I am not getting any younger to play those games with you... and I don't know if I should post this now or wait until I'm totally giving up on this miracle to happen... and I know myself pretty well... I will go in and out about giving up... 1 text message, 1 call, a smile and hell even a miss call and I'm all weak in the knees... I'm such a loser... I know that I should said no, I know I should just walk away but I just can't... Maybe I am addicted to the pain... or maybe I am just a crazy deluded dude who have an active imagination and always seems to think he had the chance even when the odds are stacked again me... I am after all, only human... prone to make harsh decision only to regret it later... we learn by making mistakes... at least some of us do...

I really do hope you find that happiness you are looking for... it might not be me but I'm pretty sure it's not him either...

- on an unrelated note, I have quit my job... -

Letter to anonymous

nak tunggu ker or should I just cut loses and start anew?... A few weeks ago, aku dapat job offer dari satu company yang based dekat cyberjaya jugak... the offer is quite attractive, better salary (well actually almost the same cuma kat sini to get that figure aku kena la OT banyak2) and a chance for a new adventure. New adventure tu tak sure sangat la since I'll be doing what I'm doing now... tapi at least in a new work environment, a new IT infrastructure and i really want to go.. sebab aku dah terlalu selesa dengan keje sekarang.. dah takde thrill... everyday is the same as any other day... I have learn as much as I can from it... there are no longer the enthusiasm from me towards my work... I started to take things for granted these day... datang office pun ikut suke hati... agak agak aku malas aku kerja dari rumah ajer... semua kerja aku buat ala kadar... takde lagi the urgency to treat problem with high priority... takde lagi tarikan about my work... I'm, for a lack of a better word, exhausted... not from being overwork but from being there for so long without any significant progress.... I'm stagnant and irrelevant... a forgotten monument from yesteryear...

The problem is now... after a few weeks I still have not gotten the offer letter... semuanya yang dijanji dan dibincangakan ade lah only verbal agreement... some email but nothing concrete... aku plak sejak dapat offer tu makin malas nak bekerja... now if i'm being played... leceh la... I need to get back my mood kerja... and we all know that is pretty hard to do... no one likes to work but commitment... financial commitment yang menyebabkan kiter tahan jer la and terus bekerja... 

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately... about the future... something I don't usually do since I hate the unreal expectation I seems to always come up with.. hahaha, yeah I have an unrealistic view of the future.. like the zombie apocalypse... or aliens invasion... man that would have been so wonderful.. no more work... it's all about surviving... anyone can be a hero... jackasses and jerks will perished... and you can look like a hobo and still get girls... hahahahahaha... see, unreal right ??? I need to live in the real world and not in my oh so comfortable virtual world... alien invasion is more likely to happen dude... it's a vast space out there and I for one second cannot believe that we are the only intelligent life form out there... there must be others... reanimating the dead is definitely more complicated than suggested in the silver screen or TV... t-virus is a myth... 

So okay, I'm merapu pulak dah... that company called me last week and said that it might take a little longer for them to get me the offer latter since they are waiting for the US management to come to down Malaysia to discuss about the hiring (well the US management is coming down for a site visit or something lah aku rase)... then maybe by the 20th aku boleh tau la if the verbal offer is concrete or not... there also the complication of my release from my current company... see, i am supposed to give a 2 months notice but that company would like to buy out my contract so I could join them much earlier.. but i have a planned holiday with my mom, sister and cousin lah hujung bulan 11 nie... komplikasi yang melecehkan... but I would really like to blah dari sini by end of November... sebab early December the disaster recovery test/simulation dah start... Dah 4 tahun layan bende nie.. malas la pulak nak join tahun nie... 

Ok people... aku nak pi mandi and gerak pi office... dah nak lunch hour nie aku tak masuk office lagi... hehehehe.. Happy Tuesday... semangat sket nak kerja tu!

I'm no good and I don't belong...