So now i know that it is true, but what does it means to me... am i now free of all emotions that i previously had felt? am i now better off ? will this set me on my way and eventually move on to a bigger and better things? i doubt it.. as i have always been... No one, no matter how tough and emotionally strong you think you are,could just turn off how they feel... it is almost impossible... but i know now what is the story behind of it all (not the whole story but enough lah for me to know where i stood... and it is obviously much further than where i want to be standing)... and maybe now i could make myself understand.. and be on my way out of this rut. It left a bittersweet taste on the mouth... and a pinch of salt on the already wounded heart.. hahahahaha.. it is better to know than to just speculate...
I could have just ask.. but i don't think it will be reveal... finding it out this way does not make it any easier either... stuck in the middle is not where i wanted to be... but things happened... some are pretty obvious some are discreet... melancholy is the word of the day i guess.... unwanted and alone just tops it all... i guess i could if i wanted it bad enough.. to break free i mean... but the heart just wont let it go... maybe now that the truth is reveal.. it could finally let it go...
should i be happy.. or should i go back and drown myself in self pity and misery?... do i failed to see the blessing in disguise in all of this? is there a silver lining hidden in this awful mess i called my life... maybe there is... someone told me... there is always a silver lining... it is a matter of perspective... maybe he is right.. i need to stop being me.. and try to be someone better... ahh wishful thinking.. i will always be me... other people might hate me... but i love being me... not al the time obviously but for the most part of my life.. i am the best that i can be (if only i understand what this mean)....
The irony is... this all happened as predicted... then why does it hurt so bad?... surely you cant be disappointed about something you already know beforehand... well admitting it is one thing.. accepting it is another... surely acceptance is much more harder to do than admitting... "all i see is grey... does the world suddenly turn monochrome"... being kicked in the ball sure doesn't hurt as much as this... I'd take a bullet through the heart any day than this... hahaha ok ok.. am being over dramatic lah pulak.... if i were to list a top 5 or top 10 moments of my sorry excuse for a life... this will make the top 3...
is it fruitless for me to hold on that slice of hope...? keep it in that wall of shame in the corner of my heart... who knows what will happen in the future... it know it is like hoping for a miracle... but hoping doesn't hurt 1 bit right?...
"the person i keep fooling the most .. is me~! "
I could have just ask.. but i don't think it will be reveal... finding it out this way does not make it any easier either... stuck in the middle is not where i wanted to be... but things happened... some are pretty obvious some are discreet... melancholy is the word of the day i guess.... unwanted and alone just tops it all... i guess i could if i wanted it bad enough.. to break free i mean... but the heart just wont let it go... maybe now that the truth is reveal.. it could finally let it go...
should i be happy.. or should i go back and drown myself in self pity and misery?... do i failed to see the blessing in disguise in all of this? is there a silver lining hidden in this awful mess i called my life... maybe there is... someone told me... there is always a silver lining... it is a matter of perspective... maybe he is right.. i need to stop being me.. and try to be someone better... ahh wishful thinking.. i will always be me... other people might hate me... but i love being me... not al the time obviously but for the most part of my life.. i am the best that i can be (if only i understand what this mean)....
The irony is... this all happened as predicted... then why does it hurt so bad?... surely you cant be disappointed about something you already know beforehand... well admitting it is one thing.. accepting it is another... surely acceptance is much more harder to do than admitting... "all i see is grey... does the world suddenly turn monochrome"... being kicked in the ball sure doesn't hurt as much as this... I'd take a bullet through the heart any day than this... hahaha ok ok.. am being over dramatic lah pulak.... if i were to list a top 5 or top 10 moments of my sorry excuse for a life... this will make the top 3...
is it fruitless for me to hold on that slice of hope...? keep it in that wall of shame in the corner of my heart... who knows what will happen in the future... it know it is like hoping for a miracle... but hoping doesn't hurt 1 bit right?...
"the person i keep fooling the most .. is me~! "
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