21 guns

Oh I'm so loving this song... green day will forever be my most favorite band in the world... 15 years and counting...

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Pretend it is all OK!!

There's nothing left to beg for

I might be a little high on "excitement" on my previous entry... I got my head stuck in cloud nine somewhere that I don’t realize... I have to come back down to earth as everything that goes up must come down... the fall back to earth has knock some sense (and reality) back into me... I was so taken by the experience that I forgot to look into the mirror and see the horror that people around me have to put up with everyday... so now I’m back in sync with the reality... no matter how much I try... to the masses I’m still just another face in the crowd... too ordinary to notice too regular to be a stand out... I know this might just be the pessimist in me taking over the optimism i felt yesterday.. But it is also the truth of this sick sad world we live in... Looks matter... money matter and above all... everyone has price... it's a question of how much are you willing to pay for him/her... price can be anything other than just money... the truth hurts... because there is no perfect world... where everyone is equal... our heart are corrupted by forces none of us had a defense for... but hey that's just me.. other people have their own view on life ... I am just trying to make me see the logic in me being so down after reaching such heights on Saturday... I guess that's the power girls have on me... they could turn an otherwise ordinary and dull day to a wonderful one... just by smiling and acting the way they do...


longing for belonging

outside, looking in
sampling emotions
an umbrella for the rainy days
inside looking outward

lurking for an opening
longing for belonging

outside, looking in
wandering thoughts
a silent question
"how must have it felt like?"

to belong, to believe and to be loved

outside, looking in
wasted on excitement
jealousy breeds anger
to belong on the inside

lurking for an opening
longing for belonging

inside, looking outward
guilty pleasures
ashamed by the joy
awkward sense of acceptance

outside, looking in
longing for belonging
inside, looking out
lurking for an opening

The tale of gut-wrenching battle between the need and the desire

So it was Saturday morning... I woke up at about 10 am... after a very tiring Friday night... (and no I was not out partying but was at my usual Friday futsal field... not many of the usual guys turned out that evening so we play almost non stop for 2 hours and yeah it was very and I stressed... very tiring... ) ... suddenly I am feeling restless... I know that Saturday is going to be a very long one for me... for after politely turning down a few invites from my friends to go on a speed dating thingy with them.. I finally decided to accept an invitation from Aida to go to a speed dating event... and my god, I think I got a truck loads of butterflies in my stomach... and it is only 10-ish in the morning... the event was not even supposed to start for a good 4 more hours... hahaha.. the thing about fear is ... sometimes it is unrealistic and your worse nightmare was not even close to what reality has to offer....

I managed to gather enough courage to drove myself there... thank god for Aida.. If she was not coming... I swore I would have turned back home the moment I reached the venue... oh and if you are wondering where is that.. it is somewhere in Damansara heights...

So after some initial uncertainties at what am I supposed to be doing there... the event went well.. or at least it is not ass bad as I thought it would be.... I mean really... for those who knew me well.. they definitely wouldn't bet that I will go through it all... my uber-shyness sometimes bordering anti-social... but like I said earlier... I found out that my fear is baseless and a tad unnecessary... the truth is... everyone there (bar a certain few) was feeling exactly the same... everyone got some sort of insect infestation inside their stomach... be it butterflies or roaches... it all felt the same... like your stomach suddenly decided to go AWOL and the gap between the upper torso and the legs are there for all to see.. well at least that's how I felt... after the first few tables (or girls).. my stomach decided to return and it was pretty much smooth sailing after that (well not that smooth la as I still managed to stuttered and lost for words...)... That's something for me to improve on if I ever decided to do this again... which I think is very likely since I did enjoyed the event... as I said in the beginning... it was not as bad as I thought it would be...

right now I am waiting for the results from the organizer... let see if I managed to get a match or not... the pessimism in me is doubting that I will get any... but that's alright... I went through it all.. that is an achievement in itself... anything more is a bonus... "baby steps aboo, baby steps"

Sunday was as boring as Sunday gets... spent my Sunday sleeping and playing game... a very big sorry to Ezry for missing your sister's wedding... I was super tired from Saturday I can't ever mustered up the strength to drove all the way to Kajang to attend your sister's wedding...

"Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me" ... I feel so by box car racer

The preservation of the martyr in me

here we go... here we go again...

the pain and the glory once again
chicks dig scars
or is it stars??
whichever it is.. neither are easy to achieve
the scars bring back the pain
none of it were in vain

thou shalt not pass
pessimism of the mass
shattered and broken like glass
I am not part of your class
purely metaphoric rise to shame

I got tired of waiting
I need new friends
Oh Juliet,
stop me from fainting
I need new fiends

Oh inspire me
Oh blink me

Angela.. you're a danger he's addicted to
and I'm just a fool
who's love you'd never knew
and I don't want to be there when you're coming down

awesome possum
spare me the gloom
ignite my own heart
to fuel my own rage against the nothingness of this melancholic depression I seems to endure

"let the sun rise, let the birds sing
let there be light, the there be morning" ... the perishers' let there be morning.

crap psycho-analysis mumbo jumbo

I feel like I wanted to write something but I cant decide what to write so here are a bot of everything all written down into 1 stupid post....

* I have an exam coming up in about 2 hours time and I know I should be reviewing or studying something.. but all I can do is check my blog and facebook and also YMing... gosh facebook is addictive... or is it just me or the girls in facebook are much hotter than those in friendster... hmmmm..????

* By next Saturday I will be away... hahaha dapat naik kapal terbang woo hoo

* My car is due for an overdue service... huhu.. but then again so is my mum's and my sister's cars.

* Looking back at those picture during high school is making me realise that I was right... I peaked back in 96/97.... what a time to live huh back then???

* I cant wait for my apartment to be completed... the thought of living on my own scared and excite me all at the same time... ok more exciting than scary... unless the lake behind the yet to be completed apartment turn out to be a haunted one lah...

* Dont complaint that you have nothing to do... you might regret it.. I know I am.. hahaha

* The thing about trying is... you got to have the guts to do it... sitting there and hoping things will seek you out is not trying at all

* Cant wait for the next paycheck... I'm broke

* The more I worried about something, the more I tend to procrastinate

* I so heart you and you know who you are... you just don't know who I am... (the price you pay for falling for a girl on TV)

* I wish I am aboard one of the star trek inter stellar star ships... wait, if I can choose one... take me with you Voyager...

* I really got to do some studying right now...