irama lagu tipu

kau pinta aku mendukung cerita
rancak kata memecah sayu perindu
pada khayalan yang kau anggap setuju
setiap kata kau simpul dengan dusta
disalut manis dengan madu bicara
dan aku percaya, dan aku percaya
kau bukan khayalan tapi realiti yang bukan untuk ku

kau petik tinta menjadi warkah
sebagai tanda, disemat rapi dan penuh lara
kau belit aku dalam gelanggang sengsaramu
lalu kau tinggalkan aku tersungkur
menangis dan memekik nama mu
dan aku tertipu, dan aku ditipu
kau hanya satu dan bukan seribu...

Sepi itu suka berteman...

Sepi itu tidak hadir tanpa ditemani si kembarnya sedih,
Duduk bersimpuh setia menemani hati yang dilanda pedih,
Adakalanya dia di sapa sang amarah, menghamburkan kata nista,
Tiada penawar buat sepi yang setia itu kecuali masa,
Kerna masa bisa menawarkan segala duka lara.

Dan lalu bangkitlah wahai hati yang berteman sedih,
Kerana hari esok pasti akan tiba, dan siapa yang tahu apa akan dibawanya
Simpankan harapan pada hilangnya kecerahan cahaya mentari siang
Kerna gelap malam membawa kesepian yang membutakan mata
Apabila kehilangan, baru lah kita sedar akan apa yang kita pernah miliki.

Sulamkan pada genggaman
Sematkan pada kudrat hati
Tiada keciwa yang kekal
Kerana ianya adalah satu hiasan sementara

Susunkan semua cerita tentang dia
Kronologi sebuah siksa
Bukukan pengalaman dan letakkan di almari kisah hidupmu
Kerana kesilapan itu tiada erti jika tidak disesali

Buangkan dendam itu
Ke lautan dalam dan gelap
Dia hanya satu nama dalam senarai yang panjang
Ini bukan kali terakhir kau akan berteman dengan sepi

*

Made to rock

The wiper of my old car was frantically trying to clear the windscreen, I was cursing to terrible traffic jam leading up to Old Klang Road... "move you moron...!!!"  I was late for a dinner appointment... I guess I underestimated the late Friday traffic... the rain didn't help either... My heart was pounding... I am on my way to meet up with two of my earliest online friends... we have known each other for a very long time but never once we meet face to face... what will they think of me...  mind you.. back then when I first started blogging... I was a very negative dude... life was just another painful journey... socially awkward and a self loathing freak... but as time passes on and them being all "don't give up bro", "you can do it bro", "someday we'll meet up and you'll be a totally different person than you are now" & "ahh another one of the teenage angst brigade"... I did change... still a tad bit negative but happier nonetheless...

So there I was, in front of TGIF, a little awkward and don't know what to say or do... I did thought of just turning away and go back home... hahahaha but I was anxious to meet them too... it has been about 10 years since we first "met" each other online... eager to know what is going on in their lives these day... so I gather up the courage to say hi and joined them for dinner... and voila!! we struck it up like we known each other for years ( we did actually known each other for year... in the cyberspace anyway)...

It was a great fun... We agreed to do it on a monthly basis if time permit... I have great friends.. online or offline... I should remember that from time to time... now to meet up with my other online friends... hahaha...

what do you say ? you know who you are... hahaha

chuck taylors, made to rock... hehehe iklan sekejap :P

One down another one to go....

"you know I'm leaving you.. you don't need me... loving you wasn't always so easy"... bukan bermaksud susah untuk menyayangi awak... tapi kerna terlalu sayang lah saya terpaksa buat macam nie... hati awak ramai yang nak jaga... termasuk lah saya... awak ade pilihan... awak cantik... ramai yang memuja... termasuk lah saya... tapi hati saya takde orang yang nak... kalau saya terus menunggu peluang yang tiada kunjung tiba... awak rase hati saya nie akan makin sihat ker... maaf lah, bukan saya tak mahu jadi sekadar kawan jer... we are great as friends... tapi pernah tak awak terfikir kenapa saya begitu ambil berat, senantiasa nak awak happy.. tak mahu awak marah2, tak mahu awak terus kecewa sebab si dia yang awak sayang tu tak reti nak jaga hati awak... kawan awak yang mana sanggup wat camtu...?? saya buat camtu sebab saya ade hati kat awak... tapi saya pun faham... saya nie takde chance... siapa lah saya di mata awak... saya lawan segala logik otak saya nie sebab hati ini degil... terlalu degil sehinggakan saya terpaksa minta diri... kalau terus ikut kan hati... satu hari nanti kecewanya pasti akan memakan diri sendiri jugak... sebelum hati ini hancur lagi... saya terpaksa lepaskan awak walaupun sayang giler tahap dewa lah...

Kerna perasaan sayang itu kalau hanya satu hala sahaja, ianya tidak membawa kemana - mana... malah keburukkan terlalu sayang pada seseorang yang tak mahu (atau tak boleh.. pilih yang mana sesuai) sayang kita kembali membawa kepada binasa... membawa kepada benci dan benci itu akan menghanyutkan kawalan logikal dan seterusnya membunuh perasan cinta itu sendiri... faham lah yer... oh dan jangan lah nak pulangkan apa yang telah diberi... saya dari zaman muda remaja dulu pun tak paham kenapa nak kena pulangkan... orang dah bagi dengan ikhlas... simpan ajer lah buat kenangan... kalau tak nak jugak sedekah, derma atau buang sajer... saya spesis yang suke simpan... sentimental value la konon... tapi ade jugak yang patut di buang sebab asal tengok jer nak melancholy.... ishh menyampah la I you... :P

Dan jangan lah fikir saya membenci pulak.... it is impossible for me to hate you... cuma saya rasa masa saya untuk mengundur diri dah tiba... dengan si dia yang satu lagi tu pun saya nak undur diri...penat menunggu sesuatu yang tidak pasti... tapi, tiada yang pasti di dunia ini kecuali mati ? kan ??? hmm I am contradicting myself now... ahh ignore me... I'm stupid... I don't make sense most of the time... and when I do make sense... I don't even know what to do with it...

Semoga awak senantiasa bahagia... saya selalu doakan kebahagian awak... I know it is messed up how I'm dying to be him... but awak worth it... worth the pain... worth the time and most of all, worth the effort... you deserve to be happy, princess... don't let anyone tell you otherwise... just remember to love yourself more... dia tak sedar apa yang dia ade... I would give everything to be in his shoe... teruskan usaha untuk menjadi lebih baik.. saya sentiasa menyokong awak...

Selamat tinggal sayang... mungkin saya dapat buang rasa jiwang karat, rindu dendam, melankoli melalut nie satu hari nanti... and hey we might have a shot at being just friends then...

till then... I hope you had the time of your life (while we were "friends")


yang selalu merinduimu,

And here we go again

As the clock ticks towards 12AM on a rather serene and quiet Monday night, I was at my mom's place watching TV... although not paying enough attention to actually understand what it is all about... the movie was aptly called "New year's eve"... the trailer/promo intrigued me to actually remember the premiere date and time but the actual movie was a bit lame thus making me turned my attention more towards the game that I was playing on my mother's Galaxy Tab instead...

And I did try hard to remember what did I do for last year's new year's eve... I actually can't remember at all... Where was I last year ? not just the new year's eve but the whole of last year... Did I do anything that I set out to do ? I honestly cannot answer that question... I can't even remember what did I set out to do... All I remember was 2012 was a year of disappointment and renewed hope... especially towards the end where I risked a lot of stuff in the name of trying to foster a better relation and trying to change the status of a relationship... I failed miserably but I am not too disappointed.. hey at least i tried... and I'm not done trying yet... you and me is far from over, love... not even close... my chances are slim... almost none existence... but I rather get burn than feel nothing...

So while trying to remember what did I do for last year's new year eve and chatting to a girl on whatsapp... I realize what I wanted to do this year... apart from trying to do the usual lose some weight and quit smoking...

2013 is going to be about trying (harder), I should not give up too soon or be offended by the slightest of taunts... or taking things too seriously or be too disappointed when things do not go my way... life is too short to be taken too seriously anyway... and i need to save some money... i need a new laptop... a camera but that is not too urgent... a tab (not ipad please... i hate apple products) but that's not too urgent too... the laptop is urgent... my current laptop is dying... the one that the company gave has too many stringent security protocol (though I ignore it most of the time) that sometimes conflicts with my own interest... oh well it was supposed to be used for work but I tend to forget about that at times... hehehe... a decent laptop cost up to RM 3.5K... there are cheaper ones but I'm aiming for the Lenovo Y series... good enough for a decent gaming experience as well as entertainment... i'm so sick of Dell and HPs... expensive and lame specs... Asus have some good laptops too... Acer is not bad... but that Y series specs is soooo awesome... after lenovo sales service is a bit of a worry since i never owned any IBM/Lenovo stuff before... hmm...

Happy new year... what are you going to do next year ?

High point of 2012...

Phuket... awesome place.. well the island surround it lah not the city itself...
Perhentian Island... and I thought we do not have awesome sandy beaches and crystal clear water... I was wrong
Bandung... if money is no issue i want to go again... shopping heaven...
Rockaway festival... After a long absence from the rock concert scene... I was back there again this year.. A little older and a lot less energy but enthusiastic nonetheless... the mosh pit is much more violent these day... I can't no longer survive a 12 hours concert and the chicks are a lot younger and wilder... hahahaha
I tried to sweep girls off their feet... now that's a big improvement than all the other years... since I'm not the type who tried... I just look and admire from afar... trying is for the brave.. I'm a loser... i don't try... i chickened out... hehehehe