Janji

semalam aku berjanji
pada kata yang sering bermain helah
seteguh benang yang basah
hanya penuh dengan kosong
tiada intipati
hanya intuisi yang serong
mencalit cela
melahirkan pertanyaan
yang membawa aku ke sini
di selubungi bayang keraguan
janji mu
hanya sehebat
kata kata dibibir merah mu
dusta yang berlapis manis bicara
bersulam senyum tawa yang menggoda
direka untuk memukau
kecamuk jiwa pria




 

I am at a loss for words

Written under the influence of cannabis tobacco.

  

Darkness falls

as the confusion sets in

there's a rumor brewing in the west

of hallucination bring forth by a substance

illicit dreams with the strike of a match

giving life to limitless imaginations 

slowly obliterate free will

  

and yet here I am

and all I wanted was her

the only substance to complete me

keep me going through this motion

in the city of three eyed creatures

watching my every move, like a sentinel

save me from my own make believe perils

  

empty winding roads filled with goblins and trolls

and men without eyes blindly stray towards the edge

there in the corner, stand a lonely princess

looking at me as i'm watching her

big blue eyes hiding her bereavement 

her piercing gaze, firm yet exquisite

no orcs of the west would dare to face such beauty

and I am mesmerized, turning into a statute 

I tried to hide my stare

Hidden in plain sight

so there I wait

a reluctant figure, frozen in time

waiting for the princess to free me

from the clutches of the evil empire

slowly creeping from the west

#stuckinlove

Written under the influence ofcannabistobacco

forging an inadequacy

Slowly suffocate

in a world of hate

half dead existence

merely a consequence

and not nearly of any essence

but we will be just fine

perfection is not all about being complete...

The death of sincerity

good looks
charmed
the restless heart
and they rejoice
in the death of sincerity
bitter hearts
zombie-like
wander the lonely street of animosity
the crestfallen graffiti
grenade shaped heart
let it be known
purity is blurred by emotions

a hearty break (up)

"Am I fooling myself (waiting for you)" I asked.

she looks down on her feet, hiding her face from being read.

no words were uttered, echoing the muted response I get

The chemistry slowly fades, no more nervous laughters

So here we are, the point of no return

a fork in the road

to be or not to be

so I blew out another cloud of smoke

a rush of nicotine fix to my iron lungs

I can hear her sigh

disapproving of my addiction

she dig her feet further into the sand

the silence has turn awkward

still she hide her face from my stare

animated taunts now filled the air

betraying the trust I had in us

she takes my cold hand, and now our eyes locked

"I couldn't lie anymore" she said

I saw some colourful fences in her glass eyes

I fake a smile, sad torns in my eyes

"That's alright now, darling", a lump in my throat

"it was worth it while it last" 

So I let go of her soft hands

We gave each other one last look

and that marked the parting of our ways

It could have been good but I gave myself way too much credit

another vicious cycle continues

another dead end avenue

in the city of heartbreak

Misteri alat kawalan jauh

Sering bersembunyi apabila kau dicari
dicelah kerusi dan dibelakang TV
Di bawah meja atau hilang entah kemana
lalu bercelaru, penat menggaru dagu
sepi meningkat pekat
ketiadaanmu sinonim dengan kehilangan sebuah hiburan
kau berkadar terus dengan kegembiraan sementara ku

lalu menjerit dan memekik
memanggil dan mencari
kumat kamit ku hambur nista
pada kealpaan diri sendiri
persis si gila yang meracau
ruang tamu ku di langgar garuda
namun kau tetap tiada disisi

** khas buat remote control yang selalu bikin jiwa tak tenteram....

kelabu

dan aku kelabu

tidak putih mahupun hitam

hanya gabungan 2 warna 

yang tidak membawa erti apa

tidak suci seperti putih

dan tidak kotor seperti hitam

kelabu itu seakan hambar

tanpa kilauan yang memukau

sering dibiar tanpa dihirau

terbuang tidak di endah

tidak seperti warna primer

dipuja dan disanjung pencinta

mewarnakan liku kehidupan

menjadi tanda megah

lukisan zaman berzaman

dan aku hanya kelabu yang sekunder

hasil pencabulan hitam kepada putih

penyatuan yang tiada restu

kerana putih dan hitam itu

bukan ditakdir untuk bersatu

kewujudan aku

hanya kejadian rawak tanpa sengaja

tiada yang semulajadi tentang diriku

yang cuma sekunder

hanya layak menjadi watak latar

di dalam cerita indah dunia primer

kosong dan sendiri

dibelakang sepi

yang bukan kepalang

hilang dan meresap pada belaian

angin silam yang membawa cerita 

aku yang kelabu

 

inconvenience of some sort...

aku terperangkap
pada rasa yang datang menghinggap
Seperti dijerat
nafas ini disekat
di rongga leher yang tersepit
kelemasan yang menghimpit
mengalir rasa yang pahit
kau hilang di saat mentari melebarkan sayapnya
membuang segala peristiwa kita
hanya kegelapan itu yang tahu akan kenapa
kau dan aku tiada selamanya

berserah pada masa
percaya akan ketentuanNya
bukan tempat aku untuk terus meminta
sedangkan engkau tiada empati
janji dulu kini tiada berguna lagi
harapan itu hanya impian yang tidak pasti
bila sang purnama itu kembali
pada dada langit yang diselubungi gelap mimpi
tika itu akan bangun lah aku
dari abu, dan lalu dibakar api semangat baru (che wah cam burung phoenix plak dah)

yang pergi pasti akan pulang
gagal itu bukan lestari
seketika dulu aku pernah leka
pada usia yang baru mencecah kenakalan
dan kini dari tingkap pecah ini
ku lihat akan segala laku dulu
mencongak kesilapan dan menghitung sesalan
mengimbau kenangan di layar perak hidupku
dan lalu ku bertanya pada angin
perkhabaran dari utara
ingatkah dia pada ceritera lama
tentang kita dan tentang mereka
sebagai momento sebuah kisah
disulam duka dan lara

*and like this broken windows pane, I am an inconvenience

This was titled differently earlier

I remember watching an episode of How I met Your Mother where it revolves around keeping someone on the hook... you know that girl/boy who clearly likes you but you don't really see them more than just someone to comfort you when the going gets tough... in fact you don't really see their heartfelt pleas and effort to win you over... you choose to ignore it but you kept them close just in case you need that boost, that shoulder to cry on or that someone to cheer you up... and those who are on the hook would gladly accept that role even if it hurts... I know this because I am on a hook... I know I should not let myself be used... but the heart want what the heart want... and depending on how you choose to see it... the heart is either the strongest muscle or the weakest muscle in your body... and usually it doesn't matter how you see it... once you are in this kind of situation... the will of the heart overpowered the logic of the brain and we, wittingly or not, got caught onto the hook and forever tied to pain it brings... OK well, forever is a strong word... I believe that each person are strong enough to break free eventually... the thing about being kept on the hook is... once the realization sets in or the pain become unbearable... you'll let go of the thing that hold you down... "I think you blind to the fact that the hand you hold is the hand that holds you down"... well I admit it... its not that I don't see the situation I am in right now... but I rather get burn than feel nothing...

I don't know why I linger... well, I do know actually... it just, I can't find the courage to let go... who knows I might just stand a chance... I slim hope, I know (given the odd and the fact that girl repulse me with the fire of a thousand suns, for reasons I can't figure out)... but it is worth it... she is worth it... the situation is not helping... nor does the time... I wish I can wait forever... but forever is a long time... sooner or later, I am going to reach my limit... maybe then I'll be free of this hook... maybe then I could start seeing the wonderful colors of the world again... but until then... let me be on this hook, regardless of how slim the chance maybe... because I just can't find anything better to do... "I'm maybe dumb but I'm not a dweeb"... there are every reason to leave but just 1 reason to stay... I see the positives in the negatives... or maybe I'm just retarded... either way... this pain of being kept on the hook is rather interesting... there are days when it soothe the soul and there are more days when it hurts like a ..... (add your own words here... I can't think of any at the moment)....

“It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness..." chuck palahniuk

Good nite lovely people... have a nice ride on the hook roller coaster... wounds and scars remind us of where we have been... people who have no wounds or scar don't live at all... they are just tagging along for the ride... 

Another awesome quotes I found on the net

“It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

Human body are designed to protect themselves from harm... physically or mentally... like computers... the access to bad memories are withheld until we are strong enough to face them back again... 

Actually I found that another way to get over your fascination is to have another fascination... hahahaha... overcome your inability to free yourself from the hook by getting attached to another hook... but in the long run.. this did more bad than good... pain is something we need to deal with.. it takes time; so give it time... though some wound never truly heal... at least it'll be less painful if given the right amount of time to recover...

Well, that's it for my random rambling for tonight... again, good night lovely people... may tomorrow brings mermaids to your seaside dreams :)

Au revoir

that good bye
simple yet powerful
drowned me
underneath a wave of farewell
that stare of unspoken words
that marked the parting of our ways
no longer together
not even for a breather
so long
so long
my precious, we don't belong
nothing hurts like this sad love song
Writing rhyme that feels so strong
but yet seems so wrong
though it felt so right
in the middle of the night
you can call it a fright
because losing you
will never ever be right

*Reproduce from echo far beyond the yonder

Adieu

I learned something from watching the tv series called Parenthood, season 2 episode 17...  I have watched that episode countless of time... but hey, I'm slow... now I realized that there is a lesson to be learned from it... hahaha... how to deal with a situation that is not going to end well... two words... good bye... such a simple words that could end so much of suffering... 

I guess the simpler things in life gets taken for granted for far too often... and we didn't even realized it until it is way too late... way too far and way too useless to be use anymore... I am guilty of the doing this... I am guilty of holding on to the things that hurt way more than I am willing to admit... I am guilty for not realizing that life is not about what you wanted... it's about doing the best out of what you are given with... because most people adapt to changes in life because not all dreams are meant to come true... not all ambition turn out good... 

And before this... whatever it is... it played fantastically in mind, gets out of hand... I have nothing left to say now and so good night princess...

Also I learned that one mistake can destroyed so much... you only have one chance to make an impression... one chance that is all you have and one mistake is all it takes... life is pretty short when you think about it... 

owh and yeah... Minka Kelly is sooooooo damnnnnn hotttttt..... hahahahahahahaha... well boys will be boys...

My fallacy

The fall of my fallacy, a long-timed make believe, living an ardent life of deceit and lies has finally undone me... a slow crawling epiphany, creeping to a boxed up mind... opening avenues that was once blocked with a deafening silence of an empty space... filled with nothing but angst... blinding the eyes from the real ethos lived by many... 

My fallacy is my own downfall, forever intertwined with my own fate, a creation of years of pain and suffering, somehow survived to masked me in a different light, special but not extraordinary, determination that was in vain in the end as the soul lost its way and darkness creep in to take hostage of what is left of an already shattered mind... misconstrued the events of yesteryear and overcome by the infinite melancholy, a tragedy was never a forgone conclusion, slowly and surely the lights fades away, replaced by the darkest of self inflicted pain... the horror and the gargantuan fear gives way to a new height of terror... (ade da aku melalut... time to sleep)

for what has been said and done is nothing more than just a feeling I can no longer keep pent up inside... the fear of being sad and alone... trickle down with the ever changing aspiration to get closure...

the love, the hate and the ever present jealousy... all boiled up into one serious screaming game... good bye Mrs. Brightside... my fallacy is that I believe that I had a fighting chance when I clearly don't.

My heart is playing a tune that would rock your world.

... and so it has began, another cheap thrill at the expense of the heart... the muscle that is either the strongest or the most fragile... am I that transparent? people always seems to figure me out... They always think they know more about me than I did myself... but then again... I never really care what other people think of me... people talks and that just what they do... who am I to stop them from talking... let just be merry and have a wonderful time with the time that was given to us...

I have made mistakes before and I will continue on to do so... some I regret and some I don't... we regret the things that we did not do and did not try to do... because deep down we will always wonder... what might have happened if we did try... I was never one to try before... I was too scared of the failure that I would rather not try and be hurt by the eventual failure... and my history with tries have never been so good anyway... but as I grow older... I slowly develop a taste for testing the water and see if it cold or warm... I would rather get burned than feel nothing... and so I tried... on various task... I started to look for jobs that are sometimes way beyond my current capacity... I tried tricks in games that I would never did before... and I decided if you like someone... or like a few someones then tell them... though this is harder to do... I used to concentrate on one but that never works for me... I tried on a few and that doesn't work for me either... hahaha so I have made this imaginary line... between success and failure... I was almost always on the failure side of things... on occasion I would be on the success side but that is very few and far between... and when it comes to the opposite sex... I'm always... and I do mean always on the losing side... sometimes I was too nice, too fast, too desperate, too open, and many many more... I guess they will never ever see me beyond another imaginary line... the friends and boyfriend line...

All or nothing... not the grey area in between... I have been to so many grey areas without much success... I don't want to be there anymore... I need to be either in or out... not some middle ground where nothing is as it seems... that middle ground has gotten me no where before and I doubt it will get me anywhere now... reality bites... I learn that the hard way.... there will always be people tries who break you... there will always be hope too... even in the dark... the moment you lose hope or feels like giving up... remember... it could have been much much worse... there are the darkest of loneliness or the blackest of despair... your only light is hope... have faith and it will lead you to me (ok not me...  but someone or something else)...

It's 2:33 AM and I'm tired from the futsal game earlier.... I should get some sleep tomorrow is another day... and who know just what the tide may brings....

I need to learn to let go of the things I no longer need... I need to learn not to be a hoarder (figuratively or literally)... memories weren't meant to hold you back.... it was meant to remind you of who you are then and what you are now... make sense ? improvement is a state of mind... any forward motion counts...

A wise friend of mine once said this to me "gagal sekali bukan bermakna gagal selamanya"... and though I would struggle with my own feeling every now and then... failed at the things I wanted to accomplished... I know it could have been so much worse for me... I have been to the darkest place in myself... the place you call... "dark side of the heart"

irama lagu tipu

kau pinta aku mendukung cerita
rancak kata memecah sayu perindu
pada khayalan yang kau anggap setuju
setiap kata kau simpul dengan dusta
disalut manis dengan madu bicara
dan aku percaya, dan aku percaya
kau bukan khayalan tapi realiti yang bukan untuk ku

kau petik tinta menjadi warkah
sebagai tanda, disemat rapi dan penuh lara
kau belit aku dalam gelanggang sengsaramu
lalu kau tinggalkan aku tersungkur
menangis dan memekik nama mu
dan aku tertipu, dan aku ditipu
kau hanya satu dan bukan seribu...

Sepi itu suka berteman...

Sepi itu tidak hadir tanpa ditemani si kembarnya sedih,
Duduk bersimpuh setia menemani hati yang dilanda pedih,
Adakalanya dia di sapa sang amarah, menghamburkan kata nista,
Tiada penawar buat sepi yang setia itu kecuali masa,
Kerna masa bisa menawarkan segala duka lara.

Dan lalu bangkitlah wahai hati yang berteman sedih,
Kerana hari esok pasti akan tiba, dan siapa yang tahu apa akan dibawanya
Simpankan harapan pada hilangnya kecerahan cahaya mentari siang
Kerna gelap malam membawa kesepian yang membutakan mata
Apabila kehilangan, baru lah kita sedar akan apa yang kita pernah miliki.

Sulamkan pada genggaman
Sematkan pada kudrat hati
Tiada keciwa yang kekal
Kerana ianya adalah satu hiasan sementara

Susunkan semua cerita tentang dia
Kronologi sebuah siksa
Bukukan pengalaman dan letakkan di almari kisah hidupmu
Kerana kesilapan itu tiada erti jika tidak disesali

Buangkan dendam itu
Ke lautan dalam dan gelap
Dia hanya satu nama dalam senarai yang panjang
Ini bukan kali terakhir kau akan berteman dengan sepi

*

Made to rock

The wiper of my old car was frantically trying to clear the windscreen, I was cursing to terrible traffic jam leading up to Old Klang Road... "move you moron...!!!"  I was late for a dinner appointment... I guess I underestimated the late Friday traffic... the rain didn't help either... My heart was pounding... I am on my way to meet up with two of my earliest online friends... we have known each other for a very long time but never once we meet face to face... what will they think of me...  mind you.. back then when I first started blogging... I was a very negative dude... life was just another painful journey... socially awkward and a self loathing freak... but as time passes on and them being all "don't give up bro", "you can do it bro", "someday we'll meet up and you'll be a totally different person than you are now" & "ahh another one of the teenage angst brigade"... I did change... still a tad bit negative but happier nonetheless...

So there I was, in front of TGIF, a little awkward and don't know what to say or do... I did thought of just turning away and go back home... hahahaha but I was anxious to meet them too... it has been about 10 years since we first "met" each other online... eager to know what is going on in their lives these day... so I gather up the courage to say hi and joined them for dinner... and voila!! we struck it up like we known each other for years ( we did actually known each other for year... in the cyberspace anyway)...

It was a great fun... We agreed to do it on a monthly basis if time permit... I have great friends.. online or offline... I should remember that from time to time... now to meet up with my other online friends... hahaha...

what do you say ? you know who you are... hahaha

chuck taylors, made to rock... hehehe iklan sekejap :P

One down another one to go....

"you know I'm leaving you.. you don't need me... loving you wasn't always so easy"... bukan bermaksud susah untuk menyayangi awak... tapi kerna terlalu sayang lah saya terpaksa buat macam nie... hati awak ramai yang nak jaga... termasuk lah saya... awak ade pilihan... awak cantik... ramai yang memuja... termasuk lah saya... tapi hati saya takde orang yang nak... kalau saya terus menunggu peluang yang tiada kunjung tiba... awak rase hati saya nie akan makin sihat ker... maaf lah, bukan saya tak mahu jadi sekadar kawan jer... we are great as friends... tapi pernah tak awak terfikir kenapa saya begitu ambil berat, senantiasa nak awak happy.. tak mahu awak marah2, tak mahu awak terus kecewa sebab si dia yang awak sayang tu tak reti nak jaga hati awak... kawan awak yang mana sanggup wat camtu...?? saya buat camtu sebab saya ade hati kat awak... tapi saya pun faham... saya nie takde chance... siapa lah saya di mata awak... saya lawan segala logik otak saya nie sebab hati ini degil... terlalu degil sehinggakan saya terpaksa minta diri... kalau terus ikut kan hati... satu hari nanti kecewanya pasti akan memakan diri sendiri jugak... sebelum hati ini hancur lagi... saya terpaksa lepaskan awak walaupun sayang giler tahap dewa lah...

Kerna perasaan sayang itu kalau hanya satu hala sahaja, ianya tidak membawa kemana - mana... malah keburukkan terlalu sayang pada seseorang yang tak mahu (atau tak boleh.. pilih yang mana sesuai) sayang kita kembali membawa kepada binasa... membawa kepada benci dan benci itu akan menghanyutkan kawalan logikal dan seterusnya membunuh perasan cinta itu sendiri... faham lah yer... oh dan jangan lah nak pulangkan apa yang telah diberi... saya dari zaman muda remaja dulu pun tak paham kenapa nak kena pulangkan... orang dah bagi dengan ikhlas... simpan ajer lah buat kenangan... kalau tak nak jugak sedekah, derma atau buang sajer... saya spesis yang suke simpan... sentimental value la konon... tapi ade jugak yang patut di buang sebab asal tengok jer nak melancholy.... ishh menyampah la I you... :P

Dan jangan lah fikir saya membenci pulak.... it is impossible for me to hate you... cuma saya rasa masa saya untuk mengundur diri dah tiba... dengan si dia yang satu lagi tu pun saya nak undur diri...penat menunggu sesuatu yang tidak pasti... tapi, tiada yang pasti di dunia ini kecuali mati ? kan ??? hmm I am contradicting myself now... ahh ignore me... I'm stupid... I don't make sense most of the time... and when I do make sense... I don't even know what to do with it...

Semoga awak senantiasa bahagia... saya selalu doakan kebahagian awak... I know it is messed up how I'm dying to be him... but awak worth it... worth the pain... worth the time and most of all, worth the effort... you deserve to be happy, princess... don't let anyone tell you otherwise... just remember to love yourself more... dia tak sedar apa yang dia ade... I would give everything to be in his shoe... teruskan usaha untuk menjadi lebih baik.. saya sentiasa menyokong awak...

Selamat tinggal sayang... mungkin saya dapat buang rasa jiwang karat, rindu dendam, melankoli melalut nie satu hari nanti... and hey we might have a shot at being just friends then...

till then... I hope you had the time of your life (while we were "friends")


yang selalu merinduimu,

And here we go again

As the clock ticks towards 12AM on a rather serene and quiet Monday night, I was at my mom's place watching TV... although not paying enough attention to actually understand what it is all about... the movie was aptly called "New year's eve"... the trailer/promo intrigued me to actually remember the premiere date and time but the actual movie was a bit lame thus making me turned my attention more towards the game that I was playing on my mother's Galaxy Tab instead...

And I did try hard to remember what did I do for last year's new year's eve... I actually can't remember at all... Where was I last year ? not just the new year's eve but the whole of last year... Did I do anything that I set out to do ? I honestly cannot answer that question... I can't even remember what did I set out to do... All I remember was 2012 was a year of disappointment and renewed hope... especially towards the end where I risked a lot of stuff in the name of trying to foster a better relation and trying to change the status of a relationship... I failed miserably but I am not too disappointed.. hey at least i tried... and I'm not done trying yet... you and me is far from over, love... not even close... my chances are slim... almost none existence... but I rather get burn than feel nothing...

So while trying to remember what did I do for last year's new year eve and chatting to a girl on whatsapp... I realize what I wanted to do this year... apart from trying to do the usual lose some weight and quit smoking...

2013 is going to be about trying (harder), I should not give up too soon or be offended by the slightest of taunts... or taking things too seriously or be too disappointed when things do not go my way... life is too short to be taken too seriously anyway... and i need to save some money... i need a new laptop... a camera but that is not too urgent... a tab (not ipad please... i hate apple products) but that's not too urgent too... the laptop is urgent... my current laptop is dying... the one that the company gave has too many stringent security protocol (though I ignore it most of the time) that sometimes conflicts with my own interest... oh well it was supposed to be used for work but I tend to forget about that at times... hehehe... a decent laptop cost up to RM 3.5K... there are cheaper ones but I'm aiming for the Lenovo Y series... good enough for a decent gaming experience as well as entertainment... i'm so sick of Dell and HPs... expensive and lame specs... Asus have some good laptops too... Acer is not bad... but that Y series specs is soooo awesome... after lenovo sales service is a bit of a worry since i never owned any IBM/Lenovo stuff before... hmm...

Happy new year... what are you going to do next year ?

High point of 2012...

Phuket... awesome place.. well the island surround it lah not the city itself...
Perhentian Island... and I thought we do not have awesome sandy beaches and crystal clear water... I was wrong
Bandung... if money is no issue i want to go again... shopping heaven...
Rockaway festival... After a long absence from the rock concert scene... I was back there again this year.. A little older and a lot less energy but enthusiastic nonetheless... the mosh pit is much more violent these day... I can't no longer survive a 12 hours concert and the chicks are a lot younger and wilder... hahahaha
I tried to sweep girls off their feet... now that's a big improvement than all the other years... since I'm not the type who tried... I just look and admire from afar... trying is for the brave.. I'm a loser... i don't try... i chickened out... hehehehe