Hujan lagi

Hujan lebat yang engkau cemuh
Membasuh dosa di waktu subuh
Bukan sepi itu yang aku keluh
Tetapi rasa ini yang membunuh

Tiada siapa yang ambil peduli
Akan titisan yang menghujani bumi
Mencemari sinaran sang matahari
Mencipta ilusi, fantasi si pelangi

Air yang tenang engkau nodai
Tasik yang tenteram berkocak kini
Ada yang bersembunyi
Dan ada yang berlari
Semuanya ku perhati
dari tingkap ini

ever after is a myth

the wayward inclination of my own emotions
the ever longing to be by your side
the grand ideas of the way things should be
and the eventual desolation that engulfed any hope of redemption

and yet, here lies the memento
the ever present aide-memoire
a mnemonic representation of a distant rememberance
a tale best forgotten, an epic story of the non-existence of success
simply bereft us of the future we once knew

here and now and no more
the present will set you free
the one eyed will never be king
for all he did was to misled and to deceive

Ever after is a myth
a three eyed monster meant to blind the masses of the impending arrival
of the new world order
to kill and to repeat.

Parallel split...

We exchanged blind words...
A deafening silence...
Then we parted ways...
Divided we stand...
Marking the splitting of a parallel...
The sun sets and I am back to square one...

Gagal sekali bukan gagal selamanya...

Terus terang cakap memang dah tiba masa untuk melupakan hasrat nak mencuba nasib dengan awak pun... penat dah kot... asyik mencuba jer dari dulu tapi tak pernah berjaya pun... mungkin kena tengok balik kat mana ada salah dan silap... atur balik langkah dan selepas ini ada lah peluang yang lebih cerah... Seperti kata Thomas Alva Edison... " Aku tak pernah gagal... cuma aku telah berjaya mencari 1000 cara bagaimana untuk tidak membuat mentol... dan 1 cara untuk membuat mentol " (sorry translation ni mungkin agak kurang tepat... aku bukannya reti sangat alih bahasa ni).... Jadi sekarang aku perlu mencari cara untuk berjaya untuk mengubah hati seseorang (saja dibiarkan tergantung sebab aku rasa kamu semua tahu apa yang cuba di sampaikan)...

Nak ikut kan pun dalam 34 tahun hidup nie, boleh dikira dengan sebelah tangan sahaja cubaan aku untuk mengubah hati seseorang. Pertama kali mase tingkatan 4... takde lah bersungguh sangat pun sebab aku ni penakut... takut pada kegagalan... hajat nak mengorat sorang awek nie tapi dapat member dier pulak... aku ikut kan sahaja... dari sorang2 takde awek... tapi mase tingkatan 5 lain pulak jadi... untuk pertama kali (mungkin kedua kot.. mase tingkatan 3 ade ura2 pasal nie tapi aku buat tak endah sebab... mat rock mana nak layan awek... hahahaha) ada seorang gadis boleh suka kat aku.. cam pelik pulak... tapi aku hanya 17 tahun.. ingatkan cool lah kalau dapat pasang 2 awek serentak... tapi aku lupe sekolah aku takde la besar mana.. kejap jer dah kantoi... hahahaha (tapi pelik ade jugak kawan aku berjaya pasang 2... hebat sungguh mereka nie)... pastu taubat takmo buat camtu dah.. tambahan pula, aku kurang bertuah lah dalam soal hati ni... 

Masa kat kolej pulak boleh terjatuh hati pada seorang awek dari Batu Pahat, Johor nie... so maka selepas buat satu eksperimen kat makmal (eksperimen bakar magnesium kot kalau tak silap... mase tu aku sorang jer ade lab partner perempuan.. seorang kakak senior)... aku kumpulkan segala kekuatan yang ade.. aku pegi kat meja dier, mintak kawan dia tinggalkan dia sorang2 kejap (sorry Ana, aku terkesima dengan lab partner  kau masa tu) dan aku pun beritahu la kepada seorang perempuan yang aku suka kat dia (pertama kali dalam hidup buat camtu... menggigil wa cakap lu).. terdiam kejap dia... aku lagi la tak reti nak react masa tu... aku pun lupa apa dia cakap masa tu.. yang aku ingat... aku cakap "aku cuma nak kau tau jer.. kalau lepas ni kau takmo kawan ngan aku pun takpe... janji kau tau"... lebih kurang camtu la ayat aku.. then aku blah dan buat kerja aku... kitorang masih berkawan lepas tu cuma agak awkward la... at least dia tak benci aku... dia lagi tak suka dengan sorang lagi mamat yang suka kat dia... so I take comfort in that... enough la kot...

Masa dalam lingkungan umur 20 an ada gak aku mencuba lagi.. sebab orang kata "biar gagal tapi ada usaha nak cuba dari gagal untuk mencuba"... hahaha tapi segan pulak nak cerita kat sini... diorang masih berkawan dengan aku dan mungkin ada baca blog ni... huhuhuhu

The point that I was trying to convey was.. " I am a failure... but at least I can say I've tried... maybe not hard enough or not smart enough.. but I've tried... that got to count for something right??"

Everyone wants to change the world but no one wants to die trying....

Dandelions

You move through the air like the wind borne seeds of dandelions

Swaying and shifting, dancing to the tune of the wind of change

Swift and subtle, elegent and enigmatic nonetheless

Leaving behind a field of nothingness

carrying one's hope with each gentle breeze

But your lies lingers like a dormant menace

Anticipating the arrival of your trigger happy mechanism

To eventually reveal the devastating truth about your existence

That you are merely nothing more than just another pretty face in the crowd

Mesmerizingly unforgetable even in death

Hauntingly beautiful but not without its scars

In the end, dandelions are nothing more than just another pesky weed

Only fooling around with you to do their deeds

When you no longer serve a purpose

It'll leave your side

with a gush of a strong breeze

P/S:- So dandelions, you are tolerated but not welcome.

I am not angry... I am just bitter

“Was I bitter? Absolutely. Hurt? You bet your sweet ass I was hurt. Who doesn't feel a part of their heart break at rejection. You ask yourself every question you can think of, what, why, how come, and then your sadness turns to anger. That's my favorite part. It drives me, feeds me, and makes one hell of a story.”  - Jennifer Salaiz.

The anger oh yes the anger.... I have been there once or twice... the hurt of being rejected is not a nice feeling... It consumed you, drowning you in self pity and self loathing and eventually you come out on the other end bitter and angry... and you use that anger to try to get even... 

Don't come running back to me when things goes awry with him... because I will shower you with lies and deceit so you'll know how it fell to be me... to choke with grief and to spit venom... revenge is sweeter when serve cold... 

Sure we could just pretending that this is all okay... we'll say hi and wave each other when our path crossed... you'll be in his arm while I sit alone across the room... trying hard not to make eye contact... sure, we could pretend... Let the fire burn this room to the ground and see who can pretend the longest... 

While this little angry fit of mine will eventually subside... the scar tissue that now sit in place of the open wound will forever reminded me of the time when we walked in space... A time best forgotten...

And for the love of all thing good.. stop contacting me every time your so called "boyfriend" treat you bad... I am not your go to friend... I never wanted to be just friend... leave me alone... I don't want to be tangled in your web of lies again... Once is enough... I am barely over you and now you're coming back... this vicious cycle needs to end girl... 

To feel is to be human.

It is raining outside and it's around 1:25 AM in the morning... I am struggling to fall asleep... Sleeping is overrated anyway... I wonder what would become of us... after all is said and done... is there anything left to look forward to... oblivion it seems.. is inevitable... It would be nice to be remembered... to know that we have touched a life (or more)... to delay oblivion just enough to make a different... to know that our life was not a waste... to prove that even in our darkest moments, we shined through because our hope never wavered and the will to be extraordinary is enough to push through any barriers physically or mentally... our fragile heart is also our strongest muscle... push us around hard enough and it'll trigger this strength unbeknownst to us before... for this strength is what makes us human... fragile but yet unbreakable...

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"“To hurt is as human as to breathe.” JK Rowling.
"That's the thing about pain... it demand to to be felt..." TFIOS

Re-POST: Sepi itu suka berteman...

Sepi itu tidak hadir tanpa ditemani si kembarnya sedih,
Duduk bersimpuh setia menemani hati yang dilanda pedih,
Adakalanya dia di sapa sang amarah, menghamburkan kata nista,
Tiada penawar abadi buat sepi yang setia itu kecuali masa,
Kerana masa bisa menawarkan segala duka lara.

Dan lalu bangkitlah wahai hati yang berteman sedih,
Kerana hari esok pasti akan tiba, dan siapa yang tahu apa akan dibawanya
Simpankan harapan pada hilangnya kecerahan cahaya mentari siang
Kerana gelap malam membawa kesepian yang membutakan mata
Apabila kehilangan, baru lah kita sedar akan apa yang kita pernah miliki.

Sulamkan pada genggaman
Sematkan pada kudrat hati
Tiada keciwa yang kekal
Kerana ianya adalah satu hiasan sementara

Susunkan semua cerita tentang dia
Kronologi sebuah siksa
Bukukan pengalaman dan letakkan di almari kisah hidupmu
Kerana kesilapan itu tiada erti jika tidak disesali

Buangkan dendam itu
Ke lautan dalam dan gelap
Dia hanya satu nama dalam senarai yang panjang
Ini bukan kali terakhir kau akan berteman dengan sepi

Regrets..?!! yes I do have a few...

If I could Marty Mcfly and go back and tell my younger self to listen to you... I would... but things happen for a reason and regrets are part and parcel of life... I really hope you never have to think about anything as much as I  think about you right here, right now (while watching a sad episode on TV)... I guess we all make mistakes, things we wish we could undo... these things eventually become regrets and parts of you and me (well maybe just me for the most part)...

I wish you all the best for your future endeavors... I cant escape this sentiment at the moment... and quite frankly I don't want to escape it... not yet anyway... 3 years is a long time... it is an investment I make to try and change a NO into a YES... and I really do think I can... for the first time in my life I actually tried to achieve something I really wanted... It just wasn't mean to be... you were right though... I didn't bother to listen.. thank you for the memories... that great eastern mall poem I wrote after our meeting there... remember ?  remember how it end... I did prophesied this ending... I just didn't realize it yet back then...

Invisibility is not cool anymore

I always thought my invisibility was just a phase. You know, like that bubble gum advertisement on TV, Where the guy was invisible until he pick up that bubble gum from his pocket and everyone were like, "oh hey there"... I guess I messed up somehow... looks like my invisibility is a permanent one...

And I used to think being invisible is a cool thing... I mean invisible man was one of my favorite TV show in the 90s/early 2000s... but not anymore... it is one thing to have the power to be invisible on command.. it is another thing when people just do not notice you even though you are not invisible... It just create this big hole inside of you... so people can see right through you like you were never there in the first place... a shitty feeling altogether... not nice and that much is true...

I have not been to my own home for the last 4 days... been spending a lot of time at my mom's place... I think it is due to the fasting month rather than anything else... but next week i had to be on my own for a week at least... I swapped my on-call rotation duty with my colleague at work.. i dont want to work on Hari Raya... no no no no... I want to be free the week leading up to Hari Raya and the week after that... so I had no choice but to swapped the on-call... On-call is no fun... but things are a little bearable these days... so hurray to that...

"Could I be read if I was see-through or would you just read my spine...?", Do you feel the same, Neon Ballroom, Silverchair 1999.

Untitled 2

Terang.
Gelap.
Hilang dan mengharap.
Bukan kesat tapi sesat
Hakikat yang terlalu berat
Bait kata kata yang enggan bicara
Tertutup rapat
Dan sunyi tidak bermadah

Bunga Sementara...

Bunga kau berseri

Megah dan sendiri

Menanti kumbang sakti

Hadirnya yang tak pasti

Datangnya membawa erti

Justifikasi, kewujudan mu itu

Bukan sekadar penuh berduri

Tetapi, hakiki dan abadi

Fake your death - My Chemical Romance

Some people watch
Some people pray
But even lights can fade away.
Some people hope
Some people pay
But why'd we have to stay?
'Cause even heroes
Get the blues
Or any misery you choose
You like to watch
We like to use
And we were born to lose

I choose defeat
I walk away
And leave this place
The same today
Some like to sleep
We like to play
Just look at all that pain

You want the heart
Or to be saved
But even good guys still get paid
So watch my back
And keep the blade
I think it got you laid
So fake your death
Or it’s your blame
And leave the lights on when you stay
Take off your clothes
And dream that fame
Come on and feel that shame

I choose defeat
I walk away
And leave this place
The same today
Some like to sleep
We like to play
Just look at all that pain

Just look at all that pain [3x]
Just give me all that pain [3x]

I choose defeat
I walk away
And leave this place
The same today
Some like to sleep
We like to play
Just look at all that pain

#MayDeathNeverStopYou

Thank you for the memories... another awesome band finally bite the dust... good music is slowly dying... 

why are we laughing ?

I remember that it hurts....
looking at her hurts...

Lets tango, Hazel...

Hello there,

Finally the weekend is over, though I usually treasure the weekend as much as the next person, but its no fun when you have to be on call for the weekend... in fact it is a hellish experience... though after about 10 years in the IT field... I am used to it... doesn't mean I can't complaint about it... I will always complaint... 10 years in It is a long time... the sad truth about the IT support guy... while computers are meant to make human life easier... supporting the system is not an easy task... the average IT guy works for more than 40 hours a week... He is on call 24/7 (being in a team does help, as well as the global support team)... he never get the compliment when the system works... but get all the screaming when it failed... seriously I did not know why I am still in this line of work... Probably because I watched the movie hackers and decided I wanted to be one... though, truth be told, what I do is so far away from being a hacker.. I don't do programming... and my programming skill is worse at best... I cant even do the basic HTML coding anymore... my shell scripting are basics... geez seriously... what am I doing here...

Ok so anyway last weekend wasn't so bad... 2 medium high calls, 1 turn out to be a false alarm and the other one was a simple fix... I guess ever since we manage to stabilize the systems and the migrations process finally complete... the on call work load isn't as heavy as it used to be... and I should be grateful.. at least I have a job... It could have been worse... I could have gone into engineering field as planned and get no where... how many of my engineering friends are actually working in engineering fields ? less than 10% I think... most of them ended up doing something that are not related to their studies... the point is.. you can plan all you want, the future are not as predictable as you thought it was... that's what so great about it... the unpredictability... the melancholy of not being able to do anything about it... the beautiful ideas of what you wanted it to be and what it eventually will become...

Owh Ok the weekend... that was the point of this entry/post but I'm over it now...

There, you see.. the beauty of unpredictability... I was going to write about something else but then ending up writing about something else... just beautiful... immense and cosmic....

Ok.. I am blabbering like nobody's business...

And I was supposed to finish reading the fault in our stars before the movie comes out in June... current progress... PAGE 6... like seriously, after 3 weeks still at page 6... man I really need to focus...

I promise myself to finish it before the movie come out.. hopefully I would be able to do so...

Ok roger and out

I dont want to be alone (in love)

We are a simplified versions
Of a grandiose ideas
About life
We are what you make of us
A little lost in between
battle scars and memories
We are, for a lack of a better word
Wild
An untamed force of nature
Waiting for a chance
To rekindle past glories
Remember us ?
A second chance once more
Maybe ?
So we can fall again
Together this time
To our hearts content

"living is easy with eyes closed... "

People can be so mean...

It's 3:57 AM and I can't sleep... so I do what I always do when I can't sleep... browse through YouTube...  looking at all the videos I have been subscribing to..

Watching this YouTube series that I discovered about a month ago called "kids/teens/elders react " and I stumbled into this video (link below)... and with that my faith in humanity was crushed... I mean really people????... someone made a mistake and you keep harassing them. have you no heart ? damn those people... I still have not got the courage to watch the original video that was discussed in this episode of teens react... I need to get some sleep... I have to wake up in another 2 hours to go to work... But I'll watched tomorrow after work... and I will definitely google Amanda Todd to know what's up with the case....

People can be so mean....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF6cmddWOgU

Happy Nightmare!

Pulang
Selangkah lagi dari kekal
Pegangan yang semakin gagal
Perjalanan yang tiada berbekal
Hanya semangat yang belum cekal
Segalanya hancur kesal
Apabila destinasi itu 
mimpi yang penuh sesal.

Zombie process...

Rasa nak demam... asal weekend jer nak demam... apesal la time weekdays kau takmo demam wahai badan... aku penat dah nak keje hari hari... I think something is up with my body or anti body... batuk dah 3 minggu tak elok... well smoking doesn't help but still... cam kurang sihat ajer badan nie... antibiotik dah 2 bungkus habis... the thing is... I hate to see a doctor.. I only went if i really have to... or I need an MC real quick... kurang vitamin ke ape nie... makan cam tak henggat donia dah... huhuhuhu....

Dengan catuan ayaq yang menyiksa hidup... nak berak pun susah... pakai air mineral tu.. giler mahal lah... teringat zaman study dulu time takde ayaq pi tandas pakai ayaq mineral... masuk tandas awam pun tak mahal macam tu lah... tandas kat klcc pun 30 sen jer... hahahahahahaha.... dah ler kat umah ade 2 baldi jer.. mana la cukup nak tahan 2 hari... mintak2 hujan sokmo lah la nie... sebab if things get worse then kena mandi ala ala citer P. Ramlee la lepas nie... huhuhuhu

I'm tired of this... I need a reboot... banyak sangat zombie process dalam otak nie.. cannot think straight... so next week amik cuti hari jumaat... so I got 4 days weekend (khamis labour day)... mau lepak ampang umah ibu or mau jalan2... jalan2 kena pakai duit... dok umah ibu free... makan pun free.. letrik free.. internet jer kena bayar... ok it's done then... lari dari puchong menyorok kat ampang... my mom mesti ske anak balik kan... plus dapat spend time ngan my anak buah, Mia... dah besaq nie susah nak manje2 ngan dier...

ok till nest time. later 'gator

"Pretending you're happy is actually worse than being miserable..."

Pecah tembelang

Dah dekat 5 bulan kot... aku rasa dia pun dah tak ingat dah kat aku... 3 tahun aku tunggu rasa cam sia-sia.. oh well it was worth it while it last.... sekarang nie masih worth it ke nak terus mengharap ? terus terang aku cakap.. aku sendiri pun tak tahu.. ada kala aku rasa macam "Man, she is worth all the shit I am feeling right now..." tapi most of the time aku rasa macam tak berbaloi jer nak terus menunggu perkara yang tak mungkin akan terjadi... rasa bodoh pun ada jugak... rasa tak berape pandai pun ade jugak... hehehehe... ikut cakap kawan kawan... maka jelas dan terpampang lah akan keputusan itu... " kau jangan jadi bodoh lah... terang terang kau kena tipu... lagi mau tunggu ka ? pakai otak sikit brader... " ade yang cakap camni pulak " kau ni baik sangat kot... pasal tu asyik kena game..." ada yang lagi bagus " move on je lah... banyak lagi orang perempuan kat KL nie..."

Move on... macam senang jer... paling senang curahkan rasa sayang tu kat orang lain plak... rebound kater orang putih... cara tu confirm cepat lupe... tried and tested before... terbukti berkesan.... hehehehe... maner mau carik orang nak curahkan kasih sayang yang beratnye ibarat kapal kargo... tapi itu la... hidup nie takde la straight forward... kalau straight forward takde la pulak kite jumpe orang orang yang istimewa nie... pengalaman dan situasi membentuk peribadi seseorang... setiap kesusahan dan kesenangan itu berkadar terus dengan pembentukan karakter setiap individu... dan aku akan terus jadi macam nie... belajar, paham tapi tak pernah nak apply dalam hidup.. smae mistake over and over again doesn't make you an expert at it.. it makes you stupid for not realizing that when you face an obstacle that you cannot get over with... take a short cut... go around it instead of over it... comprende my friend?

So the lesson here my dear self, start applying and stop repeating yourself... tweak here and there and who know... the end result might differ... ye lah ye lah... otak kau memang pandai tapi hati itu degil... (ini kalau adik aku dengar ni sure dier start membebel)... yeah my sister.. the voice of reason.. and also the voice who take no for an answer... oh speaking of which... tak lama lagi dapat la sorang lagi anak buah... girl lagi kalau tak silap... bagus la tu... Mia dah besar.... tak boleh nak dukung dukung.. dier tak suke....

Ok... aku stop... no more lingering... actually dah move on pun... just ade sedikit lingering feeling yang some time tu datang singgah bertanya khabar... hehehe... and today is one of those day bile kesunyian ini disapa oleh kenangan lalu... dan bila ditegur lalu tersentuh akan luka lama.. ewah ewah... kejap je pun... 10 minutes... lepas tu kena stop... aku banyak lagi keje tak siap kat office nie... lepas lunch tadi tak sempat lagi isap rokok... ini semua sebab disapa oleh perasaaan yang lingering nie (ape yer perkataan bahasa Malaysia untuk linger?? )

“This is a love story. I never knew there were so many kinds of love or that love could make people do so many different things.

I never knew there were so many different ways to say goodbye.”

The love haters' blues

Learn to love to hate
and to hate even more
so then it'll become a plague
a generation of solitude
Wasted on amphetamine
and free of all knowledge

In a floating world
incandescent and absurd
effortlessly mundane
the heartfelt sorrow
of the messed up citizen
but that's OK
live life and let die

The altar of melancholy
a love tale of untold misery
the eternal desire hopelessly
love lorn and stupid act of bravery
is love alive?
is love a lie?

An anthology of missed connections, despairs and the ones that got away.

A conversation with myself...

I used to be in a constant state of denial
a nonacceptance of the matter of existence
essentially repulsing the thing that hurt the most
Rejecting the very norm of traditional living
I have a hard time moving on with eternity

And now I am contradicting myself
a repugnant remnant of my yesteryears
unable to reminisce, imprinted and set in stone
perpetually impugning the truth of the present
a defense mechanism, another lie i told myself
Deceit is a safe place for the fragile spirits

Eventually this farce would reach a point of no return
a boundary and a threshold of the amount of pain one could bare
leaving me unconcealed, pulling away my blanket of incognito
to face this thing we come to know as the reality of the human noise
and be a better person