Retak menanti belah...

Berkumandang gema di ancala nun di sana

memekik madah yang memainkan kata janji
tanpa kepastian sama ada ianya akan dikota
menjerit sang sanubari tanpa suara
hanya denyutan nada hati yang kecewa

menggamit kenangan antara kau dan dia
dikala semangat api cinta membara
membakar asmara sang pencinta muda
menggulung harapan pintalan ombak perindu
disana kau lafazkan ucapan kasih yang tiada penghujung

namun pabila waktu retak menanti belah
madah pujangga dulu kini semakin sepi
yang tinggal hanya kata nista dan dendam
mencemar suci yang semakin pudar dalam kepasrahan
menerima hakikat yang kasih dulu kini hanya memori

tersepit kemahuan diantara kesetiaan dan perasaan
mengoncangkan keutuhan yang bertiangkan kerapuhan kepercayaan
percintaan dan panca roba yang mengiringinya
acap kali mengaburi keaslian azali
dirompak kegetiran perjalanan yang tiada pasti

di kala retak menanti belah
di kala cinta dilambung ombak

Kebosanan itu suka berteman

Sedang sendiri... merenung pada ruang yang kosong... memerah otak yang semakin membeku... tolonglah buat sesuatu... aku kini sedang kebosanan yang optimum... tiada lagi rancangan TV untuk menghiburkan hati... tiada lagi buku novel untuk dibaca (ade sebenarnya tapi aku amat malas di waktu ini)... sesungguhnya tika dan saat ini aku wish yang aku berada di tempat lain... di state of mind yang berbeza... kebosanan itu suka berteman... aku tidak bernasib baik hari ini... terpaksa berteman dengan kebosanan...

Puas sudah aku menghisap rokok... rasa sesak sudah dada ini... namun bosan itu tetap setia... menemaniku di hari cuti krismas... aku sepatutnya tidak berkerja... sudah nasib mencari rezeki di bidang IT... cuti tiada dalam kamus seorang pekerja IT... setiap hari adalah hari berkerja dan setiap waktu tak kira siang mahu pun malam... pastinya aku dianggap robot... so much for their work life balance policy.... langsung tidak ada keseimbangan... dacing hidupku berat ke arah kerja... walaupun nampak senang... tidak perlu ke pejabat hari - hari... malah tidak perlu juga bangun seawal ayam untuk berkokok... tapi... ya ada tapinya... 8 jam kerja itu hanya lah minimum... aku rasa seminggu kalau betul nak di hitung jam bekerja... aku yakin... malahan aku pasti yang aku bekerja lebih dari 40 jam seminggu... dan sebelum anda semua berkata "OK lah tu, claim sure lebat"... perlu di ingat... bukan semua overtime boleh di claim.. dan apa guna duit banyak kalau kita tidak dapat menikmati kelazatannya... mungkin dulu aku tidak kisah sangat untuk bekerja macam manusia yang tiada hidup... tapi at 31, aku sudah tak sanggup... banyak yang aku terlepas, aku bekerja sedangkan kawan - kawan aku menikmati hidup seperti manusia normal... aku pulak yang jadi abnormal... i don't want to be extraordinary... extraordinary is overrated anyway... penat sudah aku bekerja... aku nak bercuti pula... aku nak bercuti panjang... sayangnya di Malaysia... konsep taking a sabatical tidak wujud... kalau adalah policy nie dalam company aku dah lama aku ambil cuti dan pergi ke Afrika... nak tengok cheetah in full flight... pasti aku terpegun macam kuda...

tahun baru...ada yang suka dan ada yang tak suka... aku ? well, entah la.. aku tiada jawapan untuk soalan itu... ada masa aku tak sabar menungu tahun baru... a new start lah kata orang, especially kalau tahun sebelumnya sangat tidak best... ada masa aku rasa tahun baru ni membuat aku rasa restless... sebabnya? aku sendiri pun tidak tahu lah... tapi i look forward for 2012... entah lah.. mungkin ada jodoh kot tahun depan... hahaha... keep dreaming aboo... mungkin ada rezeki lebih ker... mana lah tahu kan... :) azam tahun baru aku? sama seperti tahun tahun yang telah berlalu... mencari erti hidup aku yang aku rasa dah meleret sangat sejak akhir - akhir ini...

aku ingin bebas.. aku ingin pulang dan aku ingin mula semula... dan kali ini, aku nak buat apa yang aku mahu bukan apa yang boss aku mahu... aku nak berkecimpung balik dalam seni.. apa apa jenis seni pun boleh... Komputer dan aku sudah tidak sehaluan lagi... kami sudah retak yang menanti belah... no amount of reasoning pun yang boleh memperbaiki hubungan kami yang telah tiada arah tujuan... Selamat tinggal komputer, terima kasih atas segalanya... mungkin jodoh kita hanya sampai disini...

"love hurts whether its right or wrong"

Open heart surgery (To prevent time from advancing with you)

Open heart surgery (To prevent time from advancing with you)

My anguish turned out to be just another chapter
In another story that end with the same ending
Leveraging that sinking feeling with a hope that springs eternal
Forgone was the conclusion for a hopeless romantic,
So clear but yet so clouded

Tempting fate in an odd that favor the cheaters
Where lies and deceit paid off handsomely in the end
Leaving pure heart shattered to smithereens
So succinct, it will last long after the time has past
The truth really does bites

For all of time, divine intention is taken for granted
Blinded by the act of a hunter on prowl, unleashing a blinding aura of deception
So poignant, one by one they fall prey to the trap for eternity
While I watched in horror as my utopia slowly turn into an abyss
Eternally burnt by the fallout of matters of the heart

Time after time, even as the hunter moved on,
I cannot prevent you from moving on with him,
Forever tied to his fate, burning heart one after another
Blazing trail that echo through the passage of time
I can't be bothered anymore
For I am ashamed of the beating of my heart

Altar of shame

I stood still, and for a while,

time flies ever so slowly, waiting,

giving me room to breathe, to inhale,

the fresh new beginning, and to exhale,

the torment of yesteryear, a time not too long ago,

I picked up the pieces, buried in the sands of time,

placing them one by one, on the altar of shame,

so cold and bitter, it fills the air with animated taunts,

I gave up on us, we were never really together,

the love is dead, the heart charred beyond recognition,

I'll leave my room, open till sunrise,

for you, and if we ever crossed path,

turn your back and walk away,

I dont want you to see me, faltering,

I'm so lost, without you,

You are the ghost, my only venom,

never alone, but at times, lonely,

Are you afraid of being alone?

haunt my dreams, I am not waking up,

I cry for the times I thought I had you

Heart like grated parmesan :)

Diam tak diam, dah setahun aku keluar dari rumah mak aku dan belajar hidup sendiri... Apa yang aku dapat dari pengalaman selama setahun nie ? first of all, makan aku selalu tak terjaga, beli pun kadang tak sedap, masak sendiri lagi la tak sedap... tapi at least setahun nie aku dapat ler belajar masak sket... tambah biler dok tengok master chef nie.. rase cam nak belajar betul2 ajer... lain dari tu... aku baru la paham awat mak aku selalu marah kat aku pasal tak reti nak berkemas selepas makan... kalau dibiarkan mmg pinggan kat umah aku nie tak pernah berbasuh ler... huhuhu... sarat mata aku tgk sampah yang menggunung tu... dan satu lagi, aku dah tak reti tido awal dah... hari2 tido lewat... maner tak rabak mata gi office... dan biler demam takde saper aku nak manje... mak jauh dah (aku mmg anak mak... so what??) sorang2 gak ler merana demam... hahaha...

Selain tu baru la aku perasan... beli apartment/condo/rumah pangsa nie banyak belanje... maintenance fees lah, quit rent lah (sampai skang aku tak paham bende aper nie... saper2 yg reti boleh tolong explain)... tambah2 walaupun rumah aku 5 tingkat ajer (ker 4 tingkat arr>??) tapi takde lift nie mmg seksa especially biler banyak barang nak bawak masuk rumah... walaupun wa dok tingkat 1 jer, pinggang dan lutut wa dah macam org 50 tahun... menitik air mata brader nak angkat beras naik atas... tapi takpe la... yang besh dok sendiri nie... nak isap rokok kat maner2 pun boleh... takde org marah... baju leh campak2 jer... makan pun merata, dari dapur sampai la ke dalam bilik... steady ajer wa makan... takde org complaint pun... huhuhu... 

Cuma perubahan paling ketara ade lah... belanja makin besaq, pastu memalam bute kalau lapaq... terpakse bantai tido ajer... stok maggi berlambak, tapi wa dah tak sanggup nak telan maggi... hari2 maggi maner tak bosan... tu stok yg ade tu ingat nak jual la... hahaha saper mau... murah2 jer wa tolak bro/sis... nak masak hari2 macam besh tapi skill aku limited. Dok lauk yg sama jer, ayam goreng, telur goreng, sayur campur... ntah bile la plak nak belajaq masak lemak ker, asam pedas ker, kari ker... buku dari dapur orang bujang aku dah hilang kemana ntah... kalau tak at least ade resepi nak tiru... hehehehe

Hujung tahun pun dah dekat, resolusi aku tahun lepas still tak tercapai... so tahun depan malas nak wat resolusi sudah... mmg tak pernah aku capai pung... agak2 kalau aku betul2 diet n exercise n dapat jadik kurus .. boleh dapat awek ker?? ... bosan sudah hidup sorang2... nak gak ade teman... cuma asyik kena tipu ajer so far... kadang tu bukan aku tak tahu minah tu menipu... aku layan kan ajer sebab biar lah kena tipu dari dok sorang takde girlfriend.. sampai satu tahap aku tak tahan aku blah... biar lah dier ngan boyfriend diorang tu... sesetengah tu boyfriend mmg tak bleh pakai... tapi diorg dok gila gak kat depa... aku wat pa... dah macam2 budi aku tanam, treat diorg pun dgn baik jer... gagal jugak.. bukan ler wa mintak balas pun budi tu... tapi at least nampak ler yg wa nie ikhlas dari boyfriend diorang yg tak leh pakai tu... tak guna gak... jerks jugak yg dapat the girls... so biar lah aku kena tipu... selagi aku rela kena tipu aku ikut je lah rentak diorang nie... rase2 tak tahan and poket pun dah kering... aku blah... kalau diorang ngade2 datang carik aku... cakap ajer takde duit... sesetengah yg mata duitan tu sure tak carik dah... cuma yg still kadang2 dtg carik tu... pelik gak aku... yer mmg diorang tu tak mata duitan... tapi yg dok mai kat aku tu awat... pakwe hang takda ka ?? lagi mau mainkan hati aku yg dah hancuq cam grated parmesan nie... awat buat lagu tu cheq ? aku pun orang... hati aku bukan made of iron/steel/titanium... muke jer harap rockers tapi hati wa bunge beb... hahahahaha... chait maner ade bunga... dalam hati nie penuh lagu metal ajer.. :P

Have a nice weekend people!!!!!

Hear you me (Jimmy Eat World)

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.

What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.

So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

Version 7.6.2

The upgrade project last night completed without too many issues, much to my relieve. I have been tweaking the upgrade plan for 3 weeks now trying to cover every angle and aspect of the upgrade process, trying to minimize any impact to the production network and to cover my own backside in case we did run into trouble. And it was a great feeling when it gone with pretty much a breeze last night. I think I have been in Cyberjaya for about 5/6 years and I hardly get involved with projects... most of the time it will just be the usual work in supporting the client data centers. The last 3 years have been an eye opener, slowly they start to let me in to some projects... nothing too big but just enough to keep me interested in my work. My work gets routine sometimes so it is good to have something else to work on when things gets too familiar and you became complacent. I was not made to work in the IT industry but I got to pay the bills somehow right ?

So it's version 7.6.2 now, a big step from our previous version 7.4.2... many new features that I cant wait to explore... but it will have to wait... I got some time off planned this 2 weeks... and I'm going up north for a cousin's wedding... I'm planning to take a few more since I have a lot of annual leave still... still pissed at my cancel trip to Phuket on July... planning another trip there next year... maybe in March... hopefully this time around it wont be cancel again... 

Am I easily smitten ? I'm guessing yes... too bad... I need to learn some defense technique to avoid getting into that dark place once again... but so far it is manageable... my quota of heartbreak per year is 3... and it have been utilized but only 1 that really hurts, the rest was just an innocent crush than turn into something sweet but didn't last long enough to hurt as much as the first one this year... the latest ? oh sorry I have maxed out my quota... if you wanna break my heart... please try again next year :)

-I don't blame you for being you, but you can't blame me for hating it-

Do you know what lies beyond smithereens ?

She text-ed me and I replied and this dance lasted for a while until I cant take it anymore. So I called her instead, I miss that sweet, mesmerizing and flirty voice of her... I know this is a mistake... but I can't help it... so I let this continue for 2 days and then put a stop to it... I know I don't stand a chance... it was harder the last time we talked... but I guess, the heart wises up a bit this past few months... No time to let this recovering heart to go through the same ordeal again... at least not for the same person... if it was someone else then maybe we could go on the emotion roller coaster again (and ending up stuck in a rut you can't get out of)... hoping for a different ending even when experience told you that it will never going to happen... persistent pain strengthens the heart... just a lie I made up to soften the blows...

When you don't owned much and all that you have is a pittance... life sure takes a different view... much of my adult life I'm able to get stuff that I wanted... not those super  fancy ones but enough to lit up the eyes for a while. The events of this year has left me in a lurch and I can't seems to shake it off... I'm in dire need of financial planning... the breakdown of my investment have weaken my finances and I got so many commitment. A lesson learn, it is never a good thing to invest in a friend that you can't bring yourself to scold when he screwed up. Now that hard earned money is washed down the drain with ease and he acted like nothing happens... that's the last time I'm ever going to invest with my high school friends... They might be some of my cool friends... but they sucked at running a business...

It's been raining a lot lately... a sign that the end of the year is coming... it always raining towards the end... it seems like when the judgement day comes... it going to be a rainy day... the mother earth is probably weeping at the sins we've committed... and I ain't no saint... I have my fair share of mistakes... as I have said it before... the rain used to inspired me a lot... I love watching the hours goes by sitting near a window pane watching those tiny droplets of rain on the glass and looking at the darkening horizon wondering what lies beyond... watching people trying to get out of the rain when I wanted to be soaked by the falling inspiration from the sky above... standing perfectly still, letting the rain washes over my sorrow... lifting the gloomy mood and cheering me up... I think it is funny when people associates rainy day with gloomy spirit and sunny day with happy spirit... I live very near the equator... sunny day = staying in doors... the heat is sometime unbearable and I have live in this weather all my life... A European friend of mine comes for a visit last year and she could not get enough of the sun... while I was always trying to find shades from the sun... she would be happily bathe in the sunshine... well she's used to the cold weather of England so a warm sunshine is a gift... for me.. I'd like to see its snowing here in downtown KL... then maybe we all could wear those awesome winter coats... hehehehe

later 'gator

"Isn't it messed up how I'm dying to be him? "

Up all night

*Blink182 latest single Up all night

Everyone wants to call it all around our life with a better name.  
Everyone falls and spins and gets up again with a friend who does the same.  
Everyone lies and cheats their wants and needs and still believes their heart.  
And everyone gets the chills, the kind that kills when the pain begins to start.

Let me get this straight, do you want me here?  
As I struggle through each and every year.  
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.  
They keep me up all night.
They keep me up all night.

Everyone's cross to bears the crown they wear on endless holiday.
Everyone raises kids in a world that changes life to a bitter game.  
Everyone works and fights, stays up all night to celebrate the day.  
And everyone lives to tell the tale of how we die alone some day.

Let me get this straight, do you want me here?  
As I struggle through each and every year.  
And all these demons, they keep me up all night.  
They keep me up all night.  
They keep me up all night.  
They keep me up all night.  
They keep me up all night.

Enough!

For what it worth... my misadventure this past couple of month have been a revelations... I hope that I have take something out of it and may it be useful in the future... as I am notorious for making the same mistake again... 

I had a thrilling ride, I think it has reached the end (and I could be wrong again.. wouldn't be the first time)... there were ups and there were downs... I have enough of the emotional roller coaster that I am ready to take a break.. I was trying too hard, giving too much and received nothing in the end... it was worth it while it lasted but I have to end it here... and not because I am giving up (I am notorious for that as well)... it is just seems not worth the chase anymore... everyone has a limit... I have reached mine... I mean how long can you chase after something that seems to be running further in the opposite direction... and how long could you pretend that it doesn't hurt and keep on trying to bounce back without letting the melancholy of it takes over you first... you have to be over the previous chase to get back into another one...

A by-product of being on the losing end (again) is... that it make me realize that what I do for a living right now... it not what I actually wanted to do... I'm so sick of computers that I would accept a job in the industry that I love for less money.. but I do have commitments... and it is holding me back from leaving the IT industry... I hope at least in one years time I could be able to to at least settle a few of those commitment so that I could leave the IT world and start doing what I love... what is art... and that is not saying I'm any good at it... it is just something I love... I don't necessarily have to do the artsy stuff.. I could just managed it... at least it is still in the field that I loved... and it doesn't have to be only painting or sculpture... art is a lot of things... and unlike the IT industry... with art, the sky is the limit... InsyaAllah...

I can't believe how hard it is to find love in a city of 1.6 million people... hahaha...

Que Sera Sera...

Entah kenaper sejak akhir - akhir nie, wa sangat bosan ngan wa punyer kerja... nak masuk office pun malas.. kadang - kadang tu seminggu, sekali ajer wa pi office...  dah ler diorang tukar tempat duduk wa (actually tempat baru nie bagus lah.. tersorok... mmg sesuai untuk orang yang suke curi tulang macam wa nie).. tapi  yang tak besh nyer... ade ajer manusia yang tak sedar diri ... suke sangat lepak tak cubicle gua... tak pasal - pasal, wa plak kena carik cubicle lain untuk buat keje... diorang nie memang nak suruh wa berenti keje ker... barang - barang wa pun dah banyak hilang... docking station wa entah saper la rembat... so wa pun terpakse la rembat orang lain punyer docking station... pedestal wa pun entah maner pegi entah... macam - macam harta karun ade dalam tu wei... berharge tu kalau simpan lagi 100 tahun...

Keje kat rumah pun bosan jugak sebenarnyer... lebih tido dari berkerja... bangun pun dah dekat tengah hari, login sekejap... check email, check ticket, check sistem and backup.. then if all ok.. sambung tido.. tak pun gi mandi and gi carik makan... kalo malas sangat pun... masak la nasik dan bukak tin sardin.. palign cekai pun masak maggi lah.. huhuhu... susah jugak jadik orang bujang nie... hahaha (ayat pancing nie... buwekk :P )... cuma keje kat rumah nie sampai malam kena keje... biase lah dah tak pi office rajin sket nak stay back :P...

tapi seriously lah, wa bosan giler ngan keje wa skang nie... nak lompat pegi tempat lain tapi hati ade sket sayang sama ini kerja lah (plus keje bidang wa nie pun dah tak banyak dah kosong)... maner lagi nak dapat keje yg boleh work from home... boss yang tak braper nak kisah kalau tak masuk office pun... gaji pun kire ok lah... well tak cukup dah skang nie tapi salah wa sendiri gak.. belanja cam gaji wa 5 angka plak... takpe - takpe itu pengajaran untuk wa... jangan nak belanjer cam anda seorang CEO company GLC... diorang lain arr.. asyik songlap duit rakyat ajer...

Walaupun tengah sesak, ade gak hajat di hati nak tukar kereta... hahaha... agak - agak kalau tukar kete boleh dapat awek ker ? hahaha kete sekarang dah macam kete orang ade anak 3 dah... kotor abis... seat pun dah koyak... nie sumer sepupu wa yang kecik - kecik nie punyer hal lah... dok dalam kete cam beruk... melompat lah... makan ice cream lah... nak tukar seat + a paintjob or a new car instead (a 2nd hand car pun ok lah)... silap aku jugak dulu.. patut 1st car beli ajer 2nd hand... tak payah nak beli baru... hmm... time tu mude... giler nak pakai kete... proton kater boleh amik kete tak payah bayar downpayment... wa pun terus angkat satu... 9 tahun hutang... now, amik kau... tersiksa hidup... huhuhu... que sera sera...

Straight lines

I saw the movie Super 8 last week... I wouldn't say that it was everything I thought it would be... I had a higher expectation but still any movie that involve aliens fascinated me more than any other type of movies... It was the midnight show... start at 12:59AM and I was tired from work... almost felt asleep half way through it... and I had to drive all the way back to Puchong once the show is over... It was somewhere in Ampang... cheap cinema with crappy seat but at least it is easier to get tickets there than in KL... I had to push myself for the drive back home... I would have just gone to my mother place if the time wasn't 3AM... I hate to woke her up... I ended up sleeping at around 4AM... luckily the next day was Saturday... and I can't get over the fact that the alien in Super 8 looks almost exactly like the ones from Cloverfield (both film were JJ Abram's)...

Ok lah, not in the mood to write the whole movie review stuff... go ahead and watch it yourself... if you are like me... you'll love this one... I mean I have seen better alien movies..but this one is not that terrible... Elle Fanning was awesome in this one... so does the other kids... especially that firecracker kid... the alien... hmm what could I say... it looked fierce... and that it could have killed everyone... but they mixed emotion to it's character and that was a disaster (from my view anyway)... you could get away with that if your alien looks like ET (you know the friendly type not a killer type)... but when your alien is a one bad ass outer space creature... emotion is not the kind of thing you'd associate it with... I rather have the alien as a mean killing machine instead... well that just me... apart from that... the rest of the movie is for a lack of a better word... awesome...

Enjoy your weekend people...

“I am an idiot ladies and gentlemen!”

aku penat dan lapar...

Semalam hari sabtu... aku melepak sampai tired tahap nak pengsan lah... huhuhu... takde wat aper sangat pun... tapi melepak sambil berkerja... (untung sungguh boleh kerja dari mana2 asal akan ade internet yg cukup laju)... disebabkan kebosanan yang amat berkerja kat rumah... dalam kol 1-2 petang wa mandi and terus head to KL... sampai jer saner wa pun carik la port yang ade wifi... nasib baik good enough connection boleh lah aku nak keje...

Aku ingat lepak KL sorang2 nie besh lah sebab mase mude2 dulu boleh ajer lepak KL sorang... konon nak layan blues la... tapi hampeh... jiwa makin kacau ade lah... aku tahan 2 jam lebih ajer... pastu aku bosan takde orang nak berborak (padahal aku hari2 dok sorang kat rumah... OK jer... tapi sejak akhir2 nie aku perasan yang aku selalu cakap sorang2... adakah itu tanda awal yang aku nak menjadi giler dah ??? ) so aku abiskan kopi yang aku rase bapak mahal tu... tutup laptop gi carik kete yg aku sendiri luper kat maner aku parking tadi... bayar parking then terus drive straight ke area kampung pandan... balik kampung jap la... jumpe mak pun bagus... ingat mak aku ade masak lah... sekali mak aku pun tak masak...malas kater dier... melopeh den nak raso masakan mak den... takpe la... ade roti so telan roti ajer la... adik aku ngan anak dier pun ade... canteek la tu... ade gak penghibur hati yang duka lara nie... anak buah aku dah pandai berlari dah skang... giler besh... sket lagi tu sure dah boleh bercakap... excited giler dapat jumpe budak kecik nie... i like kids... they are awesome... tapi esok dah pandai melawan ... maybe not that awesome anymore lah... buat kater makcik aku dlu mase anak dier kecik2... biler la wa nak ade anak sendiri nie... hahaha geram plak tgk anak buah... cute giler... rase cam nak gigit ajer... hehehe....

Rupernyer penat jaga budak kecik nie.. especially a 1 years old yg baru reti jalan/lari nie... sumer tempat dier nak pegi...tu baru dalam rumah.... bayangkan lah kalo aku kidnap dier bawak gi KL... sure mati nak jaga... hari tu bawak gi Jusco keramat pun dah rase penat nak jaga... time tu dier baru la nak reti berjalan... skang nie sure takmo dok dlm stroller arr... tapi takpe... penat camner pun aku sayang anak buah aku nie... sorang ajer... kalo ade ramai maybe tak ler sayang camnie kot... sebab dier sorang mmg spoilt lah dier...sumer org nak belanjer dier... hehehe...

Malam plak gi melepak ngan kengkawan sampai kol 1 pagi... letih siot... letih menunggu diorang...hampeh nyer kawan2... janji kol 9... kol 1030 baru sampai... hahaha... dalam kol 1 tu dah ngantuk sebab penat siang tadi... campur ngan tension ngan kerja lagi... maxis broadband sucks big time... bikin susah saya mau kerja saja... aku terus shoot lah dari ampang ke puchong sambil melawan rase mengantuk yang menguasai diri... dengan jalan MRR2 yg semakin sempit pabila malam menjelma tu... adoi... nasib baik selamat sampai puchong tanpa banyak isu... sekali sekala teruja memecut sebab ade kete lain bakar line... hehehe tapi kejap ajer la... aku bukan racer pung... tapi biler kena cucuk ngan kancil/myvi agak terbakar jugak ler... huhuhuhu... tapi diorang selalu menang sebab... hati diorang kering.. hati aku basah.. hahahaha :P

Mase driving tu jugak lah aku realise... dok puchong nie adelah satu inconvenience when it comes to friends... kawan2 aku banyak kat ampang/pandan area... so nak jumpe diorang jauh tu aku kena drive... time pergi takpe tak rase sangat...time nak balik especially kalo dah malam tu... giler malas... nak tido umah mak aku... line internet dah kena suspended sebab aku tak bayar bil... maxis broadband kat area umah mak aku mmg hampeh tahap cipan lah... dok luar rumah baru ade connection... giler aper...

at the end of the day aku tido dalam kol 3 gak.. sebab sampai umah terus sambung keje yg tergendala sket... layan tv sket sampai mater aku cakap.. "dah la tu bang... aku letih... jom tido"... letak kepala atas bantal.. terus lena (siap mimpi aku tak leh tido.. ape jenis mimpi la nie hahaha)... tau2 ajer mak aku call pagi tadi dalam kol 9 lebih suh bangun... cuci muke sket terus tgk keje... nak makan roti dah abis.. nak kuar malas...so skip la breakfast nie... breakfast ngan sebatang rokok ajer la... keje plak cam ade issue ajer... ampeh... aku baru plan nak gerak KL lagi... layan blues weh... awek ske sangat mainkan hati gua.... baik layan blues sambil tengok kerenah manusia di kota... haha... tapi memandangkan isu karut pagi nie... maybe dok umah la option yang paling baik... stable connection... ade tv and boleh baring2... so that's all for now... aku nak mandi sat and the nak pi carik lunch... lapar brader...

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." Bob Marley

i am an inconvenient

I hated the fact that I'm so gullible
I hated the fact that I got myself into this hole once again
I hated the fact that I kept on repeating my mistakes
I hated the fact that I don't learn my lesson

I tried to be accomodative
but look at where it got me
I tried to be understanding
but that is becoming too unbearable

I hate this feeling
it is never amazing
I hate this longing
it is never fulfilling

I hated that I write stupid poem
Instead of something better
I hated that I actually do like her
Instead of hating the fact that she doesn't feel the same way

I am weary
and unpretty
lifeless freak
and utterly undesirable

Resistance is futile

This place is dead and void of feeling
aneroxic thoughts of vomits and pukes
diabetic hearts where lonliness breeds
anabolic steroids for aspiring evil

allergic reaction to establishment
more antihistamine for the unwary minds
another streams of influenza
enough to cause a histeria

phlegm of yesterday
plague-ridden the present
polutting the future
the extiction is inevitable

A fool for love

the way she sway in the wind breeze
the fact she hurts even in kind
the truth of her that I would not accept
the throbbing pain her gaze causes

that mesmerising look on my stoned face
that swirling colours that followed her steps
that sweet smell of her that lingers
that sinking feeling her absence leave behind

my heart skipped a beat in her presence
my pain heals in her proximity
my breath drew shorter at the sound of her voice
my knees buckle when she whispered the words I longed to hear

am I a fool for being this way
I guess I am for she is an angel I could not touch

“Get It Right”

What have I done?
I wish I could run,
Away from this ship going under
Just trying to help
Hurt everyone else
Now I feel the weight of the world is on my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions
Keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right, to get it right?

Can I start again, with my faith shaken?
Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face mistakes,
But if I get stronger and wiser, I’ll get through this

What can you do when you’re good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

So I throw up my fists, throw a punch in the air,
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair!
Yeah, I’ll send down a wish. Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And then finally someone will see how much I care

What can you do when you’re good isn’t good enough?
And all that you touch tumbles down?
Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things,
I just wanna fix it somehow
But how many times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me to get it right?

An original song by the cast of glee...

Current wishlist

I wish money grows on trees....

1. A Canon 5D mark 2 DSLR camera

2. A decent enough telescope... decent = above RM1k

3. A Macintosh desktop/laptop... I really do hate Apple but they are really ( and i mean really) good for editing videos and music... now I need to learn how to do the editing first before wasting my money here...

4. A pair of Jack Purcell shoes... a converse with a nice twist to it :) (maybe more than 1 pair, better to waste money on these than any other shoes. They are cheaper than any leather shoes... and i hate wearing shoes (except for converse))...

5. A refrigerator... haven't had one ever since I moved out of my mom's place... I need cold drinks :)

6. A capo... a very cheap thing that i have managed to buy yet because I'm a lazy person

7. Effect pedals... enough said

8. Keyboard and keyboard lessons...

9. A studded belt.. scratch that... just got one the other day....

10. A makeover so that girls could see pass my ugliness and actually give me a chance to sweep her off her feet... hahaha dream on aboo...

Worth its weight in gold

It was all worth it...

nosebleed section

I'm just the guy who sits on the nosebleed section, just watching the world and all of it scandalous and wonderful magic unfolded. I wish life would give me a choice but it happened without even consulting me first... we are not given choices for the life we lead... it is all just random action and accident that leads us to this point in time... sure I thought I did make some choices... but in the end it doesn't matter... things happened for one reason or another that renders our choice void... I didn't plan to hurt anyone or being hurt by anyone but it happened anyway... it is part of living... experiencing hurt from the first day we were born... and it doesn't get any easier with experience too... what we could do is... try to make the best out of it...

I was trying not to be bitter about the whole heart brake thingy... it happened for a reason I guess... I'm trying to be understanding... in the hope that it would give me some positive in her eyes... who knows maybe one day I'd stand in good stead in her eyes... it is complicated... it shouldn't linger... but it hard to do when you see her on a weekly basis... we're on good term... well she thinks it is... and I cant hide the fact that I longed for her attention... even if it hurts... why do we keep on playing with fire even though we know we might get burnt... it is because even though it hurts... I rather get burnt than feel nothing... I guess that is why they said that the heart is the strongest muscle a human have... it cant easily over power the brain rational and logical thinking... it could push us to do something that we otherwise would not do... and when it is hurting... there are no other pain can compare to it (well maybe a kick to the jewels can hurt much more but that would only last for like a few minutes while broken heart takes longer to heal)...

OK enough of this crappy mushy posting that I would be doing every now and then... I am after all, a human despite me trying to give this aura of...  I'm heart-brake-proof idiot :)

Enjoy your Monday and remember "girls... they clouds the mind... even the best falls prey" hehehehehe

I feel so... (Box car racer)

Sometimes
I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

'Cause
I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

I feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over


I feel so... (box car racer)

nice guys finish last (draft 1)

** This post have been edited a little bit

it hurts... and before we proceed further, I just want to go on record.. I'm not saying I'm a nice guy.. no one is super nice these days... I'm no different...

I'm sure most us have heard the phrase "Nice guys finish last"... so what does that means??... is it telling us being nice will never get us far... at least when it comes to ladies... as i often heard this phrase uttered in the event of a nice dude lost a girl to a jerk... and why is that?? I know in high school most jerks gets away with the girls... while nice guys are left with nothing much... teenage girls always more attracted to the bad boys persona... we could see this in almost every high school... but after high school is done I thought it would all change for the better for us nice guys...

Well people may argue that it has change... and for the most part I agree... but I have never seen a jerk dating average girls... they always managed to get the hot girl... what is it about jerks/bad boys with hot chicks??... you know what...  I give up... I know I'm not a super duper nice guy... there are things that I've done in the past that I'm not particularly super proud of... but I'm not naive... girls always go to nice guys to complaint about their jerk boyfriends, to accompany them to do their shopping (which takes hours and hours of walking and standing) and as a plan B when they are mid 30s and not married yet... I mean, come on... we, nice guys always listen to every word they say and response in an appropriate manners... we look them in the eyes instead of their chest when we talked to them... open doors for them and being super attentive but still being considered as "just friend"... and please, I'm sick and tired of "oh you're too good for me"... no one is that good... nice guys would have push the pause button on the game console in the middle of an all time high scoring game just to answer the phone and listen to girls nagging and complaining about their boyfriends... I don't get it...

Sure, most guys who are interested in a girl would do all that... I'm fine with that... but what gets me the most is those jerks or players who despite being notorious for being what they are still managed to score... I mean, are you deaf and blind ? cant you see past the bad boy aura or the good looks? this maybe be a stupid rant... but I feel for all the nice guys... I have googled the phrase all too many times and from those reading, I'm still at a lost... all the article said that things will get better... but I'm sick of waiting... at 30, good things should have happened to me already... hahaha.. oh well maybe I'm not that nice and I'm not that bad.. I'm stuck in the middle.. a grey area where girl just don't come around that much... well that just sucks... you cant take the middle ground... either be super bad ass or be super nice... and the lesser of 2 evil always ended up being heart broken (trust me , it's not the best feeling in the world. I rather take a punch in the face)... trying to balance the nice guy attitude with a little of those much sought after bad boy persona don't really for some reason unknown to me...

We are becoming obsolete, we are playing by the rules in a game that clearly favor the cheaters... life sucks and the world is unfair... "the world is an ugly place but you're so beautiful to me..."

I'm sure the world doesn't work that way... there must be a reason that science hasn't found yet... i need to do more reading... i need to be more observant and critical in my fact finding missions... and i wrote this piece of half baked post because I'm crushed, broken, blown to smithereens and utterly disappointed with what i have experience recently... so sue me for being one sided, bitter and an awesome jerk... I'm choked with grief, my heart is shattered... at this very moment my heart is the world's worse kind of weapon (this is actually a song title... "my heart is the worse kind of weapon" by the fallout boys.. awesome song by the way)

well I guess that's it for now.. until i can get more information and when I'm over this disappointment (tak tau biler la tu ekk) i will revisit this phrase and try my best to write a balance perspective..

"I really like you but I can't be the Invisible Man, I'm tired of being the shoulder, I want to be another body part, I want to use up a woman so she's ruined for all other men ... "

This place is dead and devoid of all things fun

This place is dead and devoid of emotions

... and yet i found myself here again... waiting for the time to pass me by... crawling ever so slowly... greeting these unsmiling faces... forever locking horns in a battle... between freedom and the need to adhere to society cruel  judging piercing eyes... this place is dead... this place is mad... this is where i make a living... tending to computers... not my ideal career but hey... someone gotta pay the bills... and frankly, i envied my friends who do what the really like and make it as a living (and that is you acid... you and that artsy aura of yours... and congrats on your solo exhibition... I'll bring my sorry ass over to bangsar this weekend)... 

The place is dead and devoid of emotions... all we have is drones in cubicles... mindless shell living on SLAs, KPIs and warning alerts beeping from computer screens... I'm dead and devoid of all emotions... for I'm a drone living in a hive mind :)

Relationships between attractive women and ordinary men 'more likely to fail' (oh crap!!!)

Oh crap crap crap!!! (what a fugly looking men like me have to do hahaha) 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/8353975/Relationships-between-attractive-women-and-ordinary-men-more-likely-to-fail.html

Relationships in which the woman is more attractive than the man are more likely to fail, according to research. 

Scientists from Stirling, Chester and Liverpool universities found that beautiful women seem to realise they can pick and choose their mates, whereas an attractive man with a more ordinary woman seemed to be more content and less likely to stray.

The findings might come as scant consolation to Bernie Ecclestone, whose marriage to the model Slavica Ecclestone, ended in 2009. She is almost a foot taller than him and 28 years younger.

Researchers took photographs of men and women in over 100 couples, some of whom had been together for a few months, others for many years, and they were then rated on looks.

The analysis showed that in relationships pairing a "beauty" with an average man, it tended to last only a matter of months. Rob Burriss, one of the researchers, said: "This would indicate it is the woman who is in control of whether the relationship continues."

He added that beautiful women may realise they can afford to pick and choose. Conversely, the less attractive women "may have to make do with what they have, hence the longer relationships", he said. Dr Burriss said the idea echoes the Dr Hook song When You're In Love With A Beautiful Woman, which warns a man outshone by his woman that "everybody wants to take your baby home", as the Daily Mail noted.

The work was published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. 

Withdrawal symptoms

In denial of reality
the world where the truth hurts
but the pain feels good somehow
for some odd reasons
that is beyond comprehension

That sinking feeling
The stomach is churning
The prescription is burning
the magic of the throbbing wound
my yearning knows no bound

I know I should not linger
desperation to pacify my hunger
She's my pain and also my cure
and though my intention was pure
She's the wild rose that i cant secure

where's my ability to differentiate
rejection and affection
mutilation of my acumen
An infatuation gone wrong
A mutiny against reality
bordering stupidity

A relic broken to smithereens
A heavy hearted attempt of salvation
am i beyond redemption?

maybe next time
well, there will be no next time
I'm not going into a relapse
Even if the pain is good

Torres got too big for his boots, not too big for Liverpool

I wont say that I'm not disappointed to lose Torres to another team... and i wont be burning his replica jersey too (because i don't have one and because he did give us Liverpool fan a fantastic time while he was here).... But i think this article explained much of what i feel/think happened to him in the last 12 month he was here in Liverpool.

http://www.mirrorfootball.co.uk/opinion/columnists/david-maddock/David-Maddock-says-Chelsea-s-Fernando-Torres-got-too-big-for-his-boots-not-too-big-for-Liverpool-article693383.html
 

After all the debate, all the hand-wringing and all the incredible conspiracy theories surrounding the departure of Fernando Torres from Liverpool, one very good reason for the sale stands out.

The striker, undoubtedly the best in the world two years ago, seemed to let that status go to his head to the extent that he believed he was bigger than one of the most famous clubs in the world.

This is not a character assassination of Torres, and there is a certain sympathy for his situation in reaching the peak years of his career at a club in transition.

But last week, and indeed all this season and for much of the last one, there was a lingering suspicion the Spanish international had lost the grounded perspective that made him such a breath of fresh air when he arrived at Anfield.

One moment, soon after he became Liverpool’s record signing, sticks in my memory.

Approached by the media in the mixed zone of a Champions League game, he politely and carefully explained, in his best English, that he would prefer to wait to speak until his grasp of the language was better.

What stood out at that time was a clear lack of arrogance. He was – in the words of then-manager Rafa Benitez – a "nice boy, from a nice family".

There was no arrogance, no elevated sense of importance, indeed almost a shyness about him, and real politeness. He seemed able to identify with the fans, and understand the tie between terrace and turf.

That disappeared over time, to the extent that over the past year or so, when approached by the media, he wouldn’t even deign to speak while rejecting their requests, instead merely issuing a look of contempt that showed just how beneath him the idea was.

In essence, that contempt is aimed at the fans, who deserve more than dismissive refusals to talk, or the sanitised sound bites they are patronisingly thrown by players and clubs these days.

With his 27th birthday approaching, Torres believes the next three years will be the peak of his career, and he clearly believed that those three years would be spent in transition at Anfield.

But his attitude over the last 18 months and his body language on the pitch during that time seems to suggest he also believes he has a divine right to honours… whether he contributes or not.

He seemed to have forgotten that Liverpool paid him handsomely to play at one of the world’s most historic clubs, a salary, in fact, in excess of £6million a year. That money ultimately, comes from the fans who buy the tickets, merchandising and TV packages which pay for those wages.

It is my belief that Torres lost the link with the fans he understood when he arrived at Anfield.

He became so distant from them, so detached from their experience, that he lost sight of what it means to play for a big club, whether they are competitive or not.

That is why his body language was so poor on the pitch this season, and why he seemed to perform in only a handful of game.

He no longer understood how much of an insult such an attitude would be to those fans who idolised him.

For a guy earning in excess of £120,000 a week, that was not acceptable, and if that sort of money and the devotion of the fans wasn’t enough for him to perform at his peak every week, then it wasn’t just the right decision to sell him, but the only decision Liverpool could make.

Kenny Dalglish suggested as much last week, when he said he was concentrating on players who wanted to play for the club. And there are many who still want to do that.

Realistically, Liverpool will take several years under their new owners to get back to the very top again, after the problems under the previous regime. But they are still a massive club, with a massive name… and a massive pull, as the signing of Luis Suarez and Andy Carroll, two of the most promising young strikers in the world, proved.

They are bigger than the short-term pursuit of trophies, and big enough to make their best players amongst the highest paid in the world.

But if you lose sight of the link with the supporters who make football what it is, then nothing is big enough, and it is time to go.

Thank you for the memories... I hope you will be able to go back to athletico madrid and win something...

face first

"Nothing good ever happen after 2 AM..."

Somewhere else?

"I can't really say why everybody wishes they were somewhere else
In the end, the only steps that matter are the ones you take 
all by yourself..."

 Cant go back now - the weepies 

Meet Billie

 

Hey guys (and girls), meet Billie my very own Ibanez s470 electric guitar. Billie is one of my most treasured posession since I do not owned much things... Apart from my computer gears and Stella (I'll blog about Stella once I managed to give her some upgrade and a paint job), Billie is all I care about... Pretty lame right ?!! haha I know... maybe once I get a girlfriend, I will forget all about Billie and Stella (maybe not Stella :P)

This is Marshall, Billie's companion when I'm playing that awesome guitar hahaha... Marshall is a Marshall mg15dfx amplifier... I cant afford a better amp since I'm so broke these days... but this should do it... but I need to buy a better cable... the one I'm using is of a bad quality product... too many interference and noise generated... it is hard to get a clean sound... though that would not matter much not so long ago when all I play was distorted/overdriven guitar... but ever since my influence include softer sounded music, I longed for a real clean sound from my amp but the cable is really fucked up... a  good cable cost in the vicinity of RM60 and upwards... My income is super low that I cant even afford that... need to start to learn to save... and not spend all my dime in things I don't really need or don't do me much good (cigarettes for one)...

There's a video of me in my Facebook profile, playing Billie (with Marshall,but he is not shown on the video) trying to cover one of Plain White T's song... it was pretty lame though since I am not really good at playing the guitar (or everything else for that matter) but hey at least I tried. Look me up if you want to see it (warning: It is pretty lame... and I mean pretty pretty lame).

"We are floating in space"

A second chance once more

If i walked a thousand miles,
only to find out that,
I was walking in the wrong direction,
would i turn back and recounting my steps?

If i was tall and handsome,
loaded and charming,
have a way with the ladies,
would you open fire and leave me to bleed?

Should i overcome my ineptness,
throw away the failures of yesteryear,
start anew ready to face to world,
would you be there by the turnstiles?

A second chance once more,
where does this cycle leads to?

Should it all be different?
shall we just ignore and forget the past?
what about you and me?
what about our story?
ruined by the selling out

of pens and paper :P

Strawberry fields

So it is that time of the year again... to renew one goals and make plan to actually achieve it and to look back at the last goals that were or weren't achieve... I never one to make plan... especially not a long term one... too much unnecessary pressure for me to bear... so here's a toast to all the silly, stupid and obnoxious things I have done over the last year... to all the misinterpret signals, misquoted intention, and to the one that got away... to all the sins I've committed, the good things I've done and the anger that were misdirected... let bygones be bygones and hopefully 2011 will brings much joy and happiness to us all...

Not much had been expected from2011 for me... just that I am looking forward to do some traveling this year... been working for the last 8/9 years without much to show except debts that is mounting beyond my reach, a whole bunch of stupid poems and countless of times my heart being broken (my fault by the way)... so I am definitely going to do some traveling this year... got 2 trips already confirm... maybe somewhere nearby... Vietnam or Cambodia seems good.... Indonesia too once they start to hate us Malaysian less :).. can't afford to go to Europe... or the African continent (how I would really love to visit this continent)...

For everything else... there's mastercard... makin bertambah ler hutang aku yang dah hampir sama tinggi dengan KL tower... nangis lah biler pikir pasal hutang nie...

HAPPY NEW YEARS EVERYONE
"Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see."