Song for the new year - 2009

The Blues -- by switchfoot


Is this the New Year or just another night?
Is this the new fear or just another fright?
Is this the new tear or just another desperation?

Is this the finger or just another fist?
Is this the kingdom or just a hit n' miss?
A misdirection, most in all this desperation

Is this what they call freedom?
Is this what you call pain?
Is this what they call discontented fame?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

I'm singing this one like a broken piece of glass
From broken arms an' broken noses in the back
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

You're pushing till you're shoving
You bend until you break
Till you stand on the broken fields where our fathers lay

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

There's nothing here worth saving,
Is no one here at all?
Is there any net left that could break our fall?

It'll be a day like this one
When the sky falls down and the hungry and poor and deserted are found
Are you discontented? Have you been pushing hard?
Have you been throwing down this broken house of cards?

It'll be a day like this one
When the world caves in
When the world caves in
When the world caves in

Is there nothing left now?
Nothing left to sing
Are there any left who hasn't kiss the enemy?
Is this the New Year or just another desperation?

Does justice never find you? Do the wicked never lose?
Is there any honest song to sing besides these blues?

And nothing is okay
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Till the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in
Until the world caves in

mistake

- a rare moment of misjudgment... will it haunt me for the rest of my wasted life??? -

The space between...

I don't hate you anymore!!

I think I finally managed to forgive you... I know that I may not know the whole story... but from where I stand... you are to blame... so I blamed you for everything that is wrong with me... it is easier that way... I'm so used to blaming you that I do not feel any guilt at all sometimes... but good things don't last forever.... and I finally figured it out... I have to let go... I can't move on while still hanging on to this... and I know I cant blame you for every mistakes I made... it is time to forgive you... Hating and blaming someone who is six feet under does not really help anyway... I've gotta deal with my issue on my own... not to put in someone else hands... so here goes...

I do not hate you anymore, father... believe it or not... there were times I wish things were different... somehow things would have been better for us all... life does not always give us what we wanted... that's just how life is... I can't remember what did we talked about the last time we met... all I remember is calling you "dad" seems awkward... even you admitted it yourself... we share a laugh... I remember calling you "dad" because i don't know what else to call you... I will treasure whatever memories I had of you... sorry for blaming you for all my mistakes... thank you for m.a.s.k. toys, the foods, the rides in the mall when I was little.... man I wish you would let me inherit your guitars and violin...

Rest in peace... my prayers are always with you... may we see each other again when my time comes...

Weekend quotes

*boy meet girl, boy get stupid, boy and girl live stupidly ever after! -- Wilson

brilliant, just brilliant hahahahaha

* House M.D.

**trying not to care, that's hard to do!

** Star Trek: Voyager

I'm such a geek!!

Did someone took a portion of your heart?

words vs wisdom

I need a change
sudden and deliberate
not planned or preconceived
taking a chance rather than making one
unfamiliarity does not breeds contempt

stereotyped and cliched words
anesthetized and deadened me
I don't want to be lonely, I just want to alone

tired will and on my knees
beaten and broken but surge I will
savage hunger to free one selves
there is a moment in time when everything freezes

just long enough for me forget you
just perfect enough to mend myself

I hate the distance
I feel so far from where I have been
knowing my ancient future is just a meagre existence
determine to change what have been seen
will there be someone waiting for me by the turnstiles?

I am inadequate
insufficient and scarce
not unique nor exclusive
some kind of infinite sadness
escalating pressure to free myself

here and now
there or never
stand still or die trying
failure and success

I want to change
broken and liberate
not given or received
a pain that I will never get used to
a blessing in disguise

Satu titik dalam masa!

Enjoy great life!!

My lame attempt to write in my own mother tongue...

yang amarah itu persis,
ibarat angin meniup ombak,
yang ku marah bukan optimis,
tapi harapan yang sering kecundang,

hilang arah tanpa tujuan,
nyah di kau wahai suara hati,
perspektif ku lari kini hanya khayalan,
pedih hati, buang persepsi diri,

bila masa berhenti,
bila kuasa tidak mengerti,

terbang lah terbang tinggi dinihari,
malam yang datang bukan ekspresi lagi,
aku, engkau dan gelap yang sepi,
dosa menjadi sahabat setia,

kau hanya bayangan bukan sandaran,
aku hanya habuk di tiup angin taufan,
kita hanya disini buat sedetik waktu,
bila tiba masanya kau pergi jua,

disana, disana,
kau menjadi titik noktah buat perjalanan ku
mungkin...

lain arah perjalanan,
destinasi nya tetap sama...
di hatiku...

It's like french kissing a dragon!!!

An abundance of Katherines!!!

Published in 2006, this novel has got tonnes of review out in cyberspace... so I wont waste time to review it because A). I am not good at reviewing things and B). my vocabulary is too limited to actually write a decent review that this novel deserved...

All I can say is... most guys (especially nerds and dudes who got dumped more than one really want to remember) will be able to related to the protagonist in the story... it is an awesome story.. a very simple and cliched storyline but told in an interesting way... the same old basic stuff... boy lose girl.. boy meet new girl...boy and girl falls for each other.. the end... familiar right?? yeah.. I thought so too.. the sub plot is what makes the story great... a word of caution though.... if you dig math back in school and this book would probably be even more great... me on the other hand, hated math... and true enough... all the math that we learn in school and college do not apply in our lives or even our work... but apart from the whole math theorem... the story was exceptional great (at least in my view)... the last part of the book was funny as hell... a good read... The last time I check there is 1 copy of this novel @ borders... have not managed to find it @ Kinokuniya... but then again it has been ages since I last went to Kinokuniya.... I got mine from Karl who is generous enough not to ask me for the money it took to get this book from the US to Malaysia... Amazon and E-bay sells it on the cheap dey! but the postage and delivery is very expensive... luckily for me Karl managed to find a way to get it here with lesser cost.. was supposed to pay him around RM20++ (real cheap compared to the price @ borders... and it's the hard cover version as well) for the novel... when he said "no need lah.. that's your birthday present".. so, thank you dude... I took my time reading this one as I wanted to enjoy it as much as I can... but the last 2 chapter was so very fascinating that I had to finished it last night... plus I was in a very good mood due to the whole perfect rain thingy that happened to me (refer previous post)... still living off it.. woo hoo... it probably dies off by the weekend but hentam je lah.. sementara boleh happy... just be happy la...

my perfect rain

"And the rain will kill us all.
We Throw ourselves against the wall.
But no-one else can see.
The preservation of the martyr in me."

phycosocial, from slipknot's latest album, "all hope is gone."

another thing to add to my list...
=======================================================

of the rain that was last night... probably the happiest i ever felt in a long time...
so happy that it still feel like it happened just now... oh well... nothing good last forever.. i am enjoying it while it last...

I can live off this for days dude!!! .... and that's very long in regards to happiness.. hahaha
i am blabbering again... well that's what happiness can do to you...

i am enjoying this... while it last....
thank you very much!!!

paradigm shift, my foot!!!

Oh obedient ones, oh deliberate ones
oh where oh where shall I hide thou?


-Through the looking glass-

Through this ignorant eyes
The world seems a little less complicated
Things were done in stop motion, waiting for parity
Through the looking glass, through the restless beating of the heart

Through this blackened lungs,
Years of addiction is now taking its toll
One small puff and no looking back, slowly itching its way
Shorten the experience, through the cancer infested heart

Through this time of despair
She smile of a story untold, glorified picture of yesteryear
Where the painter's name echo through the decades
Through her mesmerizing eyes, through her ever lasting smile

Through this ignorant eyes
Through this emotion sickness
Through this uneducated weary look
Through this wall of silence
You will see, you will notice
You will perish and soon you will be awaken
Time is of no essence
Only life...

*republished from echo far beyond the yonder

"how do i loathe thee?? let me count the way"

gutshot!

I am currently reading a book called "an abundance of Katherines"... it is about a dude who got dump by a girl named Katherine and he has been dumped by a katherine 18 time before that.. . so he is kinda dumbstruck by his failures with Katherine. There's lot of reviews about it on the net.. you guys can just google it if you are curious... I am about half way through it... and i gotta to say that it is a fairly interesting read so far... road trip, nerd, girls, math... (OK math does not really interest me)... in a way I kinda able to relate to the protagonist... being rejected sucks.. not mysteries there...

so anyway, while reading the book (in between reading really, you have to concentrate on what you are reading to actually understand it)... i wonder why i cant bring myself to finish reading Elizabeth Kostova's the historian... ?? it is a very good read really (dracula never seems to bore people right??? )... the constant traveling is a bit boring to me as i cannot imagine being where they are... the description is great and all but still... it is hard to imagine a medieval castle when you haven't been to one... there are less than a 100 page to go... and i have been stalling it for a year now... i cant remember the whole story by now... i guess i probably need to re-read it all over again... and it is a thick book by my standard... sigh...

Oh and Artemis Fowl latest book is in store (i think, haven't been checking out borders or kinokuniya for years really).. so if you are thinking of getting me a present.. please oh please get me this book --> Artemis Fowl : the time paradox.... hahahaha OK, no you don't have to... but you can if you want to... either or a double CD of green day's American Idiot and Dookie... not so sure if they still sells it @ tower record... but i remember holding it in my hand (and desperately wanted to steal it) at tower records a couple of years ago... there were the only green day albums that i do no owned (yet). Downloading cannot be considered the same as owning the original CDs... the satisfaction is different... the same as owning a triple A grade imitation watch and owning the real one... but I'm OK with imitations to a certain degree... especially when it involves very very expensive things...

- i could not remember loving you as much as i miss you right now -

Tagged again!

My Top 10 Most Favorite Foods :

1. Masak asam by my grandmother.. superb i tell you.
2. Roti canai in the morning... make my day huhuhu...
3. Ikan goreng sambal/ikan goreng kicap... by my mum...
4. Sambal ayam mak sayer
5. Spaghetti ala my mum.. spicy and i like it that way
6. My aunt's apam gula hangus... taste just right in my tougue.. haha.. heck my mum's pun tak leh buat camnie when it comes to baking.
7. Ikan bakar... lotsa place with good ikan bakar...
8. En. syah punyer barbeque lamb chop...
9. Double cheese burger @ mcD... lame, i know
10. Ice cream waffle...

Top 10 Things I Love Doing :

1. Loitering... no explanation needed.
2. Chase the cat... those little fur ball is a bundle of energy packed into a very small package... luckily i've just had 3 little kittens.. cant wait till they get naughtier.
3. Stand in the rain... as long as there is no thunder storm...
4. Writing useless and meaningless poems.
5. Reading
6. Walking.. to no particular destination.. just for the sake of it... the thought that plays in your mind when you let the feet do the navigation is awesome.. at least for me la...
7. Eat.. and i eat a lot.
8. Music. playing or listening to it...
9. Day dreaming
10. Photography.. still new at this... need to get myself a DLSR camera urgently... hahaha

5 Things I Love Doing When I'm EMO :

1. Smoking... lots of it
2. Write a bunch of poems.. stupid anger driven poems...
3. Watch stupid, slow and sometimes meaningless movie
4. Go out with the dudes
5. Sleep.

Top 5 Types of Guys I Adore :

5 Things I Love Doing When I'm Happy :

1. Smiles, sings, snores, sleeps and shouts

5 Things I Wish To Happen :

1. One thing only.. stumble upon a million dollar... then i can make most of the things i wish to happen, well happened (most of them la, not all...)

My Top 10 Most Addicted Song :

1. Time of your life - green day
2. Run - snow patrol
3. Even hitler has a girlfriend - mr T experience
4. hey there delilah - plain with t shirt
5. Love - butterfingers
6. aneurysm - nirvana
7. king nothing - metallica
8. fever - subculture
9. dont look back in anger / wonderwall - oasis
10. nookie - limp bizkit

Tired of chasing shadows

exhAUSTED

i feel tired of all the sudden... I'm tired of this non stop emotional roller coaster of the past year... I'm tired of chasing a shadow... your shadow... I'm tired of waiting and hoping for things that will never ever happen... I'm tired of my self pity... I'm tired of this drama i created for myself.. I'm tired of it all.. this has got to end... so finally today i have had enough...

something has got to give... i cant go on like this forever... so here i am... giving up the chase... it was a welcome distractions, a beautiful pain and a torrid time that i love... it was all that.. but i have had enough... probably i have matured a bit... or maybe this is just a one off thing... but i used to give in to it until i fall flat on my face... and had to pick myself up again to live on... but at the moment.. i think i know i had to stop here and now... stop the chase... look around and learn my lesson ...

it was worth the while... but now no more...

thank you for the memories...

- my heart is the worst kind of weapon -
- i am avoiding you because I'm afraid that once you know me, you'll think I'm stupid -

updated:- click here

I give in.. a little too much

"Life just sucks, I lost the one
Im giving up
She found someone
Theres plenty more, girls are such a drag"

-- Dysentery gary, blink 182

More question thingy...

Was tagged by Lisa...

so here goes nothing:-

1. When is the last time you ran? Last Friday... During futsal.. kire lari jugak lah tu.
2. Do your jeans have rips, tears and holes in them? i think 1 of my jeans have rip/tear... tak rock la takde koyak
3. What are you dreading right now? My car's driver side windows...
4. Do you celebrate 4/20? huh??
5. When is the last time you saw your significant other? Not relevant
6. Do you get the full eight hours of sleep every night? not even close..except on weekends...
7. What is your favourite current song? satu je ker?.. ok in that case situasi by bunkface
8. If anyone came to your house on your lazy days, what would you do? tutup pintu pretend like takde org kat umah... huhu
9. Who last grabbed your ass? huh? not relevant
10. Have you ever been in your school's band? ade la kot.. more like roadie than a band member
11. Do you own a pair of Converse? Used to. they are expensive and nowadays ade copycat.. so hooray for copycat
12. Did you copy and paste this survey? that would be right on the dot.
13. Do you eat raw cookie dough? dunno... maybe if am THAT hungry...
14. Have you ever kicked a vending machine? haha who haven't??
15. Do you hate it when a radio ruins a song by playing a slow one after it? yup... even hate it more when right after a rock song the play freaking stupid hip hop / r&b songs
16. Do you watch Trading Places? Yeap... sad kan>?? my mom used to watched it regularly.. when the remote is in her hand.. i have no say on what to watch.. unless it is football night... in my home.. Liverpool rules above any other show.
17. Have you ever stayed on line a long time waiting for someone? Can't say that i have not... haha...
18. Are you 'cocky'? i am a pessimist.. so that pretty much answered it
19. Could you live without a computer? a good answer would be yes.. but i don't think i could live without a PC.
20. Do you wear your shoes in the house? Nope
21. At what age did you find out Santa was not real? Santa who???
22. How many phones, house phones and cell phones are there in your home? 3 cellphones, 2 house phones and a bunch of headphones... hahahahaha
23. What do you do when you are sad? watch crappy movies... or play my guitar
24. Who would you call first if you won the lottery? ntah la... call mak sure dier marah .. saper suruh main loteri...
25. Last time you saw your best friend? hm.. who is my best friend... ?
26. Who, or What sleeps with you? My laptop sleeps with me...
27. Are you still in High School? i wish...
28. Is anyone on your bad side now? Not really... although McCain is starting to annoy me even more than before
29. What jewelery are you wearing now? nope no jewelery.. a watch is not a jewelery right?
30. What is the first thing that you do when you get on line? Login to IMs.
31. Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? yeah... not all the time... it is hard to really follow a long running tv series... except for LOST.
32. Would you ever wear a boy/girlfriends clothes? nope...
33. Where do you work? Cyberjaya...
34. What are you doing on Friday? Futsal in the evening.. hanging out with the dudes at night.
35. Is Justin Timberlake becoming the next Michael Jackson? I don't really follow these 2 so i wont know lah!
36. Favourite name for a girl? Sarah Michelle
37. Favourite name for a boy? Ntah... ;P
38. Will you keep your own name when you get married? Not relevant
39. When is the last time you left your house? This morning, to go to work.
40. Do you return your cart (I assume trolley)? sometimes i don't.. most of the time yeah i do return it...
41. Do you have a dishwasher? a big NO.
42. What noise do you hear? at the moment?? nothing much the office are pretty quite around this time of the day.. everyone can't wait to get home :P

Little Tree

-Living is easy with eyes closed-

5 Question thingy

Sorry Lisa for taking my time with this... as always i was busy with nothing.. hehehe

so here goes my 5 question thingy:-

* 5 things found in my bag
Laptop
Cigarretes
Lip balm (smoking render my lips dry and i hate it and i ask my sis and some chick friends if it is ok for a dude to wear lip balm.. they said ok.. so i did la)
note book (for scribbling my thoughts)
headphones

* 5 things found in my wallet
Moolah
Driver's license
ATM slips
Pocket calender
Discount cards

* 5 favorite things in my room
My bolster (Can't sleep without it)
The messed up bed
DVD/CD collections
Magazines
My PC

* 5 things I’ve always wanted to do
Visit the african continent
Write a song that i can be proud of
Play for Liverpool FC (or at least watch a Liverpool game at anfield before they move to a new stadium)
Say or do something that would sweep HER off her feet.
Meet an alien or to be able to see the world from outer space.

* 5 things I’m currently into
Futsal/football/liverpool
Cup cakes (thanks to cik gorgeous)
Blog hopping
Engines
Unix/Linux

* 5 people I'm going to tag
Yingze
Azreena
Khal
Sarah
Eve (if u decided to start blogging again... and you know you should

Selamat Hari Raya

Well in about an hour or so from now Ramadhan will be leaving us and Syawal will be here for us to rejoice and celebrate... and with that I'd like to wish everyone "Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri dan Maaf Zahir Batin". May we have a blessed and wonderful time this hari raya... drive safely and bon appetite... ;P.

Arab style lamb from cyberview.

Dishes from our futsal team break fast @ malee

McDonald's time...

Ah bliss....

- will be leaving for my howetown (malacca that is) tonight after break fast... huhu cant wait for tomorrow to come :P

And frozen eyes were meant to bleed

the stars realigned...
nothing is ever in a straight line..
cold feet and all the wishy-washy whispers...
hinder my solace in the warmth of the beautiful isolation...

more than 1 hour and that is all i can come up with... lame.. pretty lame...
so anyway... i felt like this is the time to actually bring myself up from the rut I'm stucked in for the last 7/8 month... gotta start somewhere ey???... well actually next month is more like it ( yeah i know.. procrastinating is bad.. but that's who i am)... so here to a new start (i hope)...

Tomorrow (or rather today) is the last day for work as i will be on leave until next Monday... I am going back to my hometown after all... the company was kind enough to let me take 2 days leave in advance since i have yet to accumulate any leave (maybe just 1 day kot). So i will be driving back to Malacca on Hari Raya itself as my mom and sister do not apply for any leave this hari raya... cant wait... though i don't really look forward to hari raya anymore.. the older you get the more ordinary hari raya is... or is it just me??? so anyway... definitely looking forward to see old friends from my hometown... if there are still there.. most of them are married and most probably have gone back to the in-laws.... if there is no one around.. I'd just probably do a walk around on my old stomping ground... some great memories there... damn i wish i had a nice enough camera to take some photos to bring back to KL... now it seems like a two days leave is not enough... oh well...

I'm so lost... i hope to find a way out of this rut... it's not a big deal really... i have a tendency to over complicate small issues... 'cause I'm sure as hell wont be bothered by big issues... they don't happened all that much and usually i am powerless to stop them... the small ones on the other hand happens everyday...

The Move...

This could be the beginning of the end of something i desperately don't want to end.. or this could be the next stage of it all... evolution that create new dynamics of how things works now... or i could be wrong... this would not change anything at all...
but if i'm honest, then yeah... this will change a lot of things... most if not all... I'd still feel the same way about it...


oh well whatever it is... there is no way around it...

Good luck, beautiful.

Tagged By lil' miss Azreena

1. The person who tag/pass you is?
Lil' missy called azreena (sorry it took me this long to do this... was busy doing nothing really)

2. Your relationship with her/him is?
Online sibling hahaha... ok online friends...

3. Your five impression of her/him?
==> We're alike in term of pessimism
==> She rocks!!
==> One clever girl
==> Easy to talk to
==> She just love to be creative with photos/pictures

4. The most memorable thing she/he had done for you?
Since we just knew each other for a few months... the only thing i can think of is being there when i wanted to talk to someone... and she also told me about Marie Digby promo gig at OU.. which neither of us gets to go to.. hahaha.

5. The most memorable thing she/he had said to you?
Something about trying to change our pessimism... haha don't work since both of us is still very much a pessimist.

6. If she/he become your lover you will?
HAHA... laugh/cry myself in disbelief... such thing will never happen

7. If she/he become your lover, thing she/he has to improve on will be?
Erm... dunno... be more girlish?? i dont know.. dont even know her in the real world...

8. If she/he become your enemy, you will?
Hide... you dont wanna be enemy with her... hahaha

9. If she/he become your enemy, the reason will be?
She decided to support Manchester United instead of Liverpool.

10. The most desired thing you want to do for her/him now is?
Get her thru the exam period...

11. Your overall impression of her/him is?
She's lively and clever .. more than she's willing to admit.

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?
Happy i hope...

13. The characters you love of yourself are?
Pessimist, useless and funny (kot???)

14. On the contrary, the character you hate yourself are?
Pessimist, useless and whinny

15. The most ideal person you want to be is?
Dont know... sick of being me... sick of copying others... so i dont know

16.For people that care and like you, say something to them :
Thank you...

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you.
They are :
1 Karl
2 Jay
3 Shay
4 Aida
5 Lisa
6 Junkie_lady
7 Yingze
8 Apiz
9 Lan_be
10 Alex

18. Who is no.6 having relationship with?
Dont know... another of my cyber friends... oh wait i i think know la, cant remember the name tho.

19. Is no.9 a male or female?
male. duh.

20. If number 7. and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
Haha... i dont know... they do not even know each other... it could be good or it could be bad.. who knows.. they got to get hook up first... number 10 is already seeing someone i think.. well last time i check he did.

21. What is no.2 studying about?
Was doing I.T. now he's into banking... what a waste dude...

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
Last Sunday

23. What kind of music band does no. 8 like?
XPDC... used to la.. i think.

24. Does no.1 have any siblings?
That would be a yes... 2 younger bros and an older sis.

25. Will you woo no.3?
what...??!!! that would be sooo gay.

26. How about number 7?
haha... we are comfortable at being just friends.

27. Is no. 4 single?
Nah...

28. What is the surname of no.5?
Nur-aldeen.. i think.

29. What's the hobby of no.10?
Cars.

30. Does no.5 and 9 get along well?
They do not even know each other.

31. Where is no.2 studying at?
No longer in college... Working for a bank now.

32. Talk something casually about no.1?
Karl is looking for something to be complete... and i'd like to find that something too.. hahaha

33. Have you tried developing feelings for no.6?
Haha... she's like a sis i never had.

34. Where does no.9 live at?
Somewhere in Shah alam.

35. What colour does no.4 like?
If i had to guess i'd say pink.. but she knew i think she look hot in a red top... :P

36. Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
Again they dont even know each other.

37. is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?
Haha.. i dont know... She's someone i met on the bloggosphere so i dont know how sexy she is... from what i've read.. she's sexy enough to melt your heart.. hahaha

38. What is no.6 doing now?
I dont have a clue... working la i guess...

i love the whole world...

And dengan tertibe nyer aku telah di"tag" oleh Cik Puan Lisa.... so here goes:-


**The Who's
Who Was The Last Person You Talked To?
Mawee... thank you for the ride to the mosque dude!!

Who Was Your Last Kiss?
hahaha a gentlemen never kiss and tell ;P

Who Knows The Most About You?
My mom, my sis

Who Can Make You Laugh No Matter What?
my friends from SMTTAA, Tim "the toolman" Taylor, P Ramlee

Who Can You Always Count On?
hm.. my mom, Shay

Who Has Your Heart?
She has it... though i do not have hers

Who Is or Was Your Favorite Teacher In School?
En. Syaifuzzaman. My form 5 BM teacher... i have seen my unfair share of punishment during school though none thought me a lesson like Mr. Syaifuzzaman's. Heck he didn't even caned me... because of his punishment i when on to aced my BM in SPM....

Who Is Your Best Friend(s)?
the boys from SMTTAA domitory D4 and D2 (1996/97 batch), karl and jay, alex, eypol, jeep, mawee, mr. know it all, code, pozan.

Who Loves You?
my family i guess.

**The What’s
What Is Your Favorite Song At The Moment?
thunder by boys like girls and situasi by bunkface

What Are You Looking Forward To?
everything is bleak... that pretty much says it huh??

What Is Your Favorite Color?
Red, blue and green

What Website Do You Visit Most?
friends' blogs,Facebook,liverpool official website, teamtalk, soccernet, torrentportal, google news.

What Is Your Favorite Smell?
the smell of grass after a rainy day and the smell of HER car's air freshener.

What Is Your Favorite Movie?
forrest gump, saving private ryan and armageddon... cloverfield too i guess.

What Makes You Mad?
dateline

What Curse Word Do You Use A lot?
typical malay words used when irritated.

What Kind Of Phone Do You Have?
Nokia N82... used to owned a Sony Ericsson Z530...

What Was The Last Song You Listened To?
Runaway Train by soul asylum

**The When’s
When Was The Last Time You Went To The Mall?
Last weekend.

When Did You Talk To Your Crush Last?
Talked to her this morning thru YM... face to face ? last friday during/after berbuka puasa.

When Do or Did You Graduate?
about 3 or 4 weeks ago.

When Is The Next Time You’ll Do Something Fun?
i dont know yet... probably this weekend at our usual annual berbuka puasa event with the dudes of SMTTAA... though it seems to be less and less of us.. i blame marriage... people stop being fun after marriage.. i wonder why....

When Was The Last Time You Ate or Drank Something?
5.29 a.m this morning.

When Is Your Birthday?
10 November 1980

When Was The Last Time You Went To The Movies?
i cant even remember... i think citer sunshine kot... long time ago lah

When Is Your Parents Birthday?
Mom's 23 June..

When Were You In The Car Last?
Just now... going for friday prayer.

When Will You Be 21?
Haha is this a trick question?? Was 21 about 6 years ago... but i feel wayyy younger inside..

When Will You Be Taking Your Next Vacation?
Dont know... got no plan for any vacation what so ever..

**The Where’s
Where Do You Live?
Kuala lumpur, Malaysia...

Where Is The Best Place To Be?
Next to being in my room....?? African continent... the animal, the desert, the pyramids, the ocean... what's not to like...

Where Was Your Last Vacation?
Damai laut, lumut, perak... if that can be counted as a vacation.

Where Were You Born?
University Hospital Kuala Lumpur

Where Is Your Best Friend?
Kuala Lumpur and in the cyberspace.

Where Was The Last Place Your Were Besides Your Own House?
The office here in Cyberjaya.

Where Do You Think You’ll Be In 10 Years?
on my own.. no more mommy to nag me, no more sister to keep bugging me... woo hoo... bliss

Where Is Your Cell Phone?
In my pocket

Where Are Your Parents?
My mom is in her office la at the moment...

Where Was Your Display Picture Taken?
what?? the one in this page??... at the parking lot, berjaya times square...

Now sayer pun meng"tag" Karl, Nasir, Azreena and Yingze.

Thunder...

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa
Today in the blink of an eye
Im holding on to something and I do not know why I tried

I tried to read between the lines
I tried to look in your eyes
I want a simple explanation; what Im feeling inside
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
And bring on the thunder



Today is a winding road
Tell me where to start and tell me something I dont know, whoa
Today Im on my own
I cant move a muscle and I cant pick up the phone, I dont know

And now I'm itching for the tall grass
And longing for the breeze
I need to step outside, just to see if I can breathe
I gotta find a way out
Maybe theres a way out

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain...

Yeah Im walking on a tightrope
I'm wrapped up in vines
I think Ill make it out but you just gotta give me time
Strike me down with lightning
Let me feel you in my veins
I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain

Today is a winding road
Thats taking me to places that I didnt want to go, whoa

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder, and I said
Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors
I dont wanna ever love another
Youll always be my thunder, and i said

Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer
Do you know youre unlike any other?
Youll always be my thunder
So bring on the rain
Oh baby bring on the pain
And listen to the thunder


Thunder -- boys like girls

feverish damage unaltered yet spoilt day

I got a fever... argh I hate this... 2 days into my new job and I got a fever... cant write the script any worse huh ??... and I hate to go and see the doctor... they always find a reason to poke people... or shove that damn thermometer down your throat... hopefully some panadol and some old-but-still-unexpired medication will stop this stupid fever... i hate being sick!!

Work is great so far... ye lah baru masuk maner ade keje lagi... tengok monitor je lah keje aku hahahaha... this place is aint bad... not as bad as I've imagine... hopefully by next week I wil get something to do... being idle, though relaxing as it may seems, is not very good for me... I might forget everything that i have done for the previous company..... and with all the firewall policy / content filtering, there is only so much you can do with the internet access... apart from me being sick of looking at the monitor.. I think I'm ok with the whole tukar kerja thingy... you know me... never certain of anything.. LOL.

Ramadhan has been good so far... still manages to berpuasa.. hahaha I know I know I'm not a little kid anymore... I mean the berbuka part is sure is different now that I'm older... used to stuffed myself until I cant get up and go for the terawih prayers... nowaday.. makan pun kurang... most of the timela... there are still someday yg aku makan macam tiada hari esok... so far berat still constant.. sket pun tak turun.. aik.. pelik nie... aku puase aper... hmm... something is very wrong here.. let's give it a week more eyy... tengok aper jadi... though aku rase takde mende jadi.. dah bertahun dah bulan puasa comes and go... aku still camtu gak...

so anyway enough la about me and my new obsession of keeping score of my weight...

So I finally graduated about 2/3 weeks ago... nothing much to shout about... I thought graduation day should be fun... it sure does not seems like I am having the time of my life there.. ahh well.. sometimes I expected too much... as long as the degree is there that should be enough for now... no plan to continue studying though.. not at the moment... part time study is hard... 4 years seems like an eternity.. (ewahhh.. hahahaha).. ok lah not eternity.. but it sure feels like more than 4 years... though looking back at it... some of the things sure feeling like it happened not so long ago... growing older sure sucks eyyy...

I'd upload some picture here as soon as i feel like it... I think this blog need some spicing up (ada ka perkataan spicing??)...

ok that's all folks...

- let it just happened -

The joy juice

The comments (if any) were me-specific :) ... was just browsing for ideas...

Love is when you when you can't stop thinking about her. You got that right :D
Love is when you find yourselves holding hands and neither remembers initiating the contact. Never happen.
Love is when she comes over to your place and remembers a carton of milk for breakfast cereal.
Love is when you find yourself having a great time clothes shopping, just because you're together.
Love is when you get some great news or some sad news and the first person you feel like calling is her. Oh hell yeah
Love is when you feel all ill at ease and moody because circumstances prevent you from seeing her for a day or two. Yup, stupid shift arrangements
Love is when you remember her birthday. Even though you had to write note to yourself and stick it on the dashboard of your car. I don't think i need a note... it's imprinted on my brain and my wasted heart.
Love is when you run back into a burning building to save her favorite stuffed toy that she had since childhood. Hm.. yep i could see myself doing that for her... if only she knew.
Love is when she cooks you a cake and feeds your cat while you are away for the weekend with the lads.
Love is when you wake up in the middle of the night to find her staring at you and she says "I am so lucky to have found you". How i wish
Love is when she spends two hours talking to your mother and is still sane afterwards.
Love is when she grips your arm during the scary bits of the movie. Not at the stage yet (movie going together)... never will
Love is when you walk through the park at night and she says "I feel so safe with you". How i wish
Love is when you see something she'd like and buy it on the spur of the moment, just because you know she'll smile when you give it to her. Again, i could see myself doing this
Love is when you find yourself hanging out her underwear on the clothes line and you are happy to do it. Hahahaha... could not see me doing this yet ;P
Love is when you sign both yours and her name at the bottom of your Christmas cards.
Love is when you put her sexual fulfilment before yours.
Love is when she wears something sexy just to turn you on.
Love is when the car breaks down in the middle of nowhere and rather than complaining she starts kissing you instead.
Love is when you carry ALL the shopping bags for her. Small matter.. got trolley what?
Love is when she bumps her funny bone and asks you to kiss it better. What the hell does funny bone mean??
Love is when you cancel the basketball match with the lads, because she wants you at her parents dinner party. Football with friends or girlfriend/wife... tough choice... but if it's the girl I'm so head over heel at the moment , yeah screw football... being with her is much better.
Love is when she lets you watch the XFiles and you sit through Melrose Place. Not X Files... premier league.
Love is when she says "My period hasn't come yet" and you manage to play it cool and not panic.
Love is when she laughs at your jokes despite the fact that she's already heard them all before.
Love is when you unlock and open the passenger door for her before getting into the car yourself. I should start doing this, though it seems lame kan??? anyway should start to do this more often.
Love is when you jokingly say "Honey, I'm home", and it actually feels right.
Love is when you spend all Sunday morning in bed together.
Love is when a sexy woman walks past and you don't even notice. haha wishful thinking.
Love is when the same sexy woman asks you to rub suntan oil onto her body and you don't because your girl wouldn't approve. Again, wishful thinking... but achievable... you'll notice her, yeah for sure.. touching her is another thing... i can see myself saying no to this.. (like this will ever happen to me hehe... )
Love is when, for no reason, you see mundane things that have always been there and find them beautiful. Love is blind and makes you see things... haha
Love is when you walk along the footpath curb, like you did when you were a kid, and laugh for no reason. Smiling is more like it
Love is when you visit your parents and actually hug your father, because your girl has opened the sensitive side in you.
Love is when you race each other to the train stop, but then you let her on first. This is easy.
Love is when you lift her in your arms and carry her to bed. If i could carry her then yeah why not huh???
Love is when she calls you at the office just to hear your voice.
Love is when she lets you order olives and achovies on the pizza. What is olives.. i'm sure i've eaten it before...
Love is when you sit up all night talking about your innermost doubts and fears and she actually listens and understands.
Love is when you share the same glass, because it saves on the washing up.
Love is when she sits in your lap at parties even though there are plenty of other seats. She can sit on my lap anytime she wanted to...
Love is when she gives up smoking for you.
Love is when you go halves in buying a bed. uhh?? tak paham.
Love is when she lets you take a photo of her and you end up using the whole film. haha yeah that's me. She's so beautiful it hurts... hehehe
Love is when you write her poetry and use the word "forever". err??
Love is when your friends buy you his and her bath towels, and always refer to you as "those two".
Love is when you sell your car just to buy a plane ticket, and chase her across the world to say "I'm sorry". Hahaha... she's worth it.. i'd do it in a heartbeat.
Love is when you smell her scent on your clothes and it floods your mind with happy memories. Just the thought of her brings happiness... ahh crap.. i'm so weak.
Love is when, after you've broken up, you compare everyone else to her and find them all lacking. hmm... btol la tu kot.
Love is when, after you've broken up, you cry after looking at photos of her. Now this is just pathetic...
Love is when you contemplate driving your car off a cliff because you can't stand life without her. Everyday my friend, everyday
Love is when you live. I agree with this completely
Love is when you soar.

Oh btw, news on me in case ade org nak tau la...
1. Will finally be graduating in a week time.... dapat ler ko degree aku tu.. pergh lama siot aku buat study part time.... tapi rase cam kejap jer.... dah 4 tahun ker aku belajar??... time flies by so freaking pfast I tell you.... seems like a few months ago jer aku almost flunk my Maths.... i am comteplating nto going fr the convocation... never liek to follow protocol.. by my mom is nagging to go... now maner mau carik suit/blazer/coat... pakai jeans and t shirt tak leh ker??... bukan nampak pun.... kena pakai jubah... protocol yg bodoh.... nak pinjam kengkawan.. tak muat pulak.. perut ku dah tak bulat.. now it is elipse in shape... hahaha... beli rugi pulak pakai sekali jer... hmm.. so jeans it is.... tak bagi masuk dewan aku dok luar je lah.

2. I will be moving to another company (again???).... s tat will be about 4 jumps in 7 or 8 years working... prett ybad record huh??.. but the offer is definitely very very good..... and this time i try to do the right thinks... hopefully i;'m still in the good books.. i definitely wants to comeback later.

Futsal tournamnet is just around the corner... need to start gettig in shape..




source: http://www.geocities.com/brillohead/loveis.html

it hurt so good~!

The trip back to KL from Lumut... people are tired and all.. so there was no singing along to the guitar tune like the trip to Lumut.

i'm tired and i have lost of the passion for writing and the passion to live... this blog is dying even before it was reborn... nothing knocked the wind out of you like a broken heart....

how am i to chase when there is no end in sight... i cannot be chasing a shadow... it is fruitless... how can i accept defeat when my heart is so stubborn... even when defeat is the only choice left... i want to change .. i want to be positive.. i want to show her that i can... i guess i will always be the substitute people...

Flabbergasted~!

So now i know that it is true, but what does it means to me... am i now free of all emotions that i previously had felt? am i now better off ? will this set me on my way and eventually move on to a bigger and better things? i doubt it.. as i have always been... No one, no matter how tough and emotionally strong you think you are,could just turn off how they feel... it is almost impossible... but i know now what is the story behind of it all (not the whole story but enough lah for me to know where i stood... and it is obviously much further than where i want to be standing)... and maybe now i could make myself understand.. and be on my way out of this rut. It left a bittersweet taste on the mouth... and a pinch of salt on the already wounded heart.. hahahahaha.. it is better to know than to just speculate...

I could have just ask.. but i don't think it will be reveal... finding it out this way does not make it any easier either... stuck in the middle is not where i wanted to be... but things happened... some are pretty obvious some are discreet... melancholy is the word of the day i guess.... unwanted and alone just tops it all... i guess i could if i wanted it bad enough.. to break free i mean... but the heart just wont let it go... maybe now that the truth is reveal.. it could finally let it go...

should i be happy.. or should i go back and drown myself in self pity and misery?... do i failed to see the blessing in disguise in all of this? is there a silver lining hidden in this awful mess i called my life... maybe there is... someone told me... there is always a silver lining... it is a matter of perspective... maybe he is right.. i need to stop being me.. and try to be someone better... ahh wishful thinking.. i will always be me... other people might hate me... but i love being me... not al the time obviously but for the most part of my life.. i am the best that i can be (if only i understand what this mean)....

The irony is... this all happened as predicted... then why does it hurt so bad?... surely you cant be disappointed about something you already know beforehand... well admitting it is one thing.. accepting it is another... surely acceptance is much more harder to do than admitting... "all i see is grey... does the world suddenly turn monochrome"... being kicked in the ball sure doesn't hurt as much as this... I'd take a bullet through the heart any day than this... hahaha ok ok.. am being over dramatic lah pulak.... if i were to list a top 5 or top 10 moments of my sorry excuse for a life... this will make the top 3...

is it fruitless for me to hold on that slice of hope...? keep it in that wall of shame in the corner of my heart... who knows what will happen in the future... it know it is like hoping for a miracle... but hoping doesn't hurt 1 bit right?...

"the person i keep fooling the most .. is me~! "

Download day

Please download Mozilla Firefox 3 and help Mozilla to set a new Guinness world record for the most downloaded software in 24 hours... I've done my part... been a user of Mozilla since my college days... although back then it was Mozilla browser rather than Firefox browser.... and no... OPERA is still my number 1 browser of choice... but like most great things in life... OPERA is not fully utilized by web developer causing some website to appear crooked when opening it using OPERA... not their fault though... the new OPERA 9.5 is great.. well interface-wise.. the new black colored navigation bar is nice... it give the OPERA a mean look rather than the usual white/Grey navigation bar. I don't really like to toy around the widget/add-ons so i just use the default setting.. I'm sure there are a better review of OPERA 9.5

I have not yet installed the Mozilla Firefox 3.. will definitely do it later today.... what i like most about Firefox is the add ons...it lets you customize your browser with little apps that makes internet surfing much more pleasurable... while i may not like to experiment with OPERA, with Firefox i do it all the time... My favorite add-ons would be the DOWNTHEMALL download manager, fasterfox for faster loading time, McAfee Site Advisor (you'll need to google the add-on though 'cause i don't think you'll find it on Firefox home) for security... there are plenty more add-ons and theme for Firefox... go wild dudes and dudettes....

ok enough about browsers...
I'm such a forgetful person.... i forgot my password for domain login and encryption... was mad out of my head yesterday.. it is not that i forgot the phrase that i use.. i just forgot the combination that i use to spelled the phrase... haru biru la jadi nyer... luckily after about 3 dozen of trial i managed to login... so much for a very secure password... it is too secure that even i cant remember it... *note to self --> must write it down*...

" isnt it messed up, how i'm just dying to be here " sugar, we're going down (fall out boy)

I got no distance left to run~!

Hopefully.. i will manage to get out of this... unscathed... may there be something in the future to heal this.. hahahaha.. ok that is all i'm going to write about that... it's getting boring and i know people hate whiners...

So anyway, last Monday i went to this training for positive attitude... it was very interesting... i mean.. i really do need to change my attitude... being negative and pessimist is such a turn off... well at least that is what i have been told... and i think i need a change...

so that it for now... i got some tedious work to do...
later 'gator

"I want tobe, under the sea" octopus garden, the Beatles.

It sure does hurt.. a lot

I wanted to write something nice and melancholy here but as it has been for the last few years.. i cant seems to come up with a decent idea... i am falling away... no longer able to do what i like... and i thought getting your heart broken will open the flood gate for ideas... silly me... i hate to write about my failing and disappointment here... i know it is my blog and i should be able to write what i wanted... but i don't know.. somehow opening up doesn't seems to feel right anymore... life is a mess... i cant cope with the rest... am falling behind... am lost and confused...

i don't think i can pretend anymore... you know.. saying that it is ok.. and we should continue being friends.. when the truth is... I'm still harboring a faint hope that one day it will all be alright... she would finally give me a chance... i know it is like hoping for a miracle... it will never happen and i should move on...

*i know what i should do, i know what she is going to say
but i cant help feel differently about you
i cant just walk away...
i just cant turn off my feeling...
I'm sorry but this is who i am...

now I'm drowning in my sorrow while trying to keep a smile on my face so she wont notice... but the thing about girls is... they always know if you like her or not... they always know if a guys like/love her even without the guy saying it..... i cant move on.. when my heart is so stubborn and wont let it go... i don't have a chance, i know... i know this from the first moment i meet her... and this is not the pessimistic side of me talking.. this is the reality... but she is so... hmm what's the word?... wonderful?? i cant seems to get enough... even if it hurts...

So tell me what do I need when the words lose their meaning.

You know, if I had a blog, this would be a really big day for me.


* - Jimmy eat world's kill.mp3

The dynamic of friendship/relationship

platonic or otherwise...

I read in an article not so long ago that it is believe that a man and a woman could not be friends.. well they can pretend to be friend... but in truth, there is always a motive behind it.. be it romance or just lust.. haha... so now i look back at my own pathetic life.. and the friendship/relationship that i have or had...

i used to have a very good female friend.. it started as a crush as well.. but i give up very early as i thought i dont have a chance (yeah see the similarity with all the "relationship" i had before)... at least back then i know when to give up unlike the last "relationship" that i tried to start... but we became very good friend after that...
Recently before she got married she told me that i did have a chance... but i did not take it.. hahaha... what a timing... she told me a few weeks before she going to get married... haha.. but it is all too late and i look at her as a good friend now... it just wasn't meant to be... it's all good

The dynamic of a friendship/relationship between a dude and another dude is very different to a friendship/relationship between a dude and a girl... at least i seems to think so... why? i dont know... if i know why.. i wouldn't have so much trouble trying to keep a friendship purely platonic... which in my eyes is very hard to do... well if you dont have any ulterior motives.. sure it can be done... but that ulterior motives will crept up sooner or later... aku rase la... hahaha

in the real world i have lots and lots of male friends and very little female friends... why?.. i dont know... i seems to fall for every female friends i have (ok not all.. but it happened more often than not... though on some occasion i manage to get through it unscathed... only on 3 occasion that i failed to handle it... but that 3 occasion was, to me, a real falling head over heel for someone... but that's what i think la)... which i think is the reason why i have such a small number of female friends... i hope this wont make any female (who read this) dont want to be friends with me...

In the cyberworld i seems to have more female friends than male friends... go figure... hahaha... maybe in the cyberworld i am more interesting than i am in the real world... i dont know... i am not interesting at all.. cyberworld or not... but in the cyberworld it is very easy to mingle and get to know other people due to the lack of face to face interaction...

damn it is almost time to leave the office....
will get around later (much later) to revisit this...

Jimmy eat world - kill.mp3

Tagged by Reena

I was tagged by Reena.. so here goes :D

Questions:

Currently
Just awaken from my deep slumber... smoking and surfing the internet

Current time
10:58 am

Playing
My Heart (The Perishers)

Pending
A lot of things... straightening my pathetic life for once.

What's new?
Nothing much.. trying to come to term with so many disappointment

Real name
Abu

Nickname
Abu, loserkid,

Married
Nope and the future isn't looking any brighter either...

Male/Female
Male

High school
SMTTAA

College
OUM

Are you a health freak?
Haha a big NO

Do you have a crush on someone?
i have to yes...

Do you like yourself?
Nope... not all the time

First

Surgery
The dentist makes me loose my teeth.

Person you see in the morning
Nobody.. i'm alone in the morning.. does my cats count as a person?

Award
T-shirt design for the treasure hunt... and i only came up with the idea someone else drew it not me

Sports you join in
Futsal/soccer
snooker/pool
badminton
volleyball
basketball

Vacation
Africa... i want to see lions, cheetah and the desert.

Concert
The last one that i attended was Good Charlotte at Bukit Jalil.

Drink
Iced Tea or just Tea

I'm about to
brake... too many disappointment to bear.

Your future
Cant see one in my crystal ball. Could only see the past.

Want kids
Sure.. who doesn't

Want to get married
Haha... if i can find a girl who doesn't mind spending the rest of her life with me.. why not... easier said than done.

Careers in mind
No more computer related work... i want to be with the animals... something like what Jeff Corwin or the late Steve Irwin does wouldn't be so bad. Behind a camera rather than in front of it.

Which is better?
Lips or Eyes - eyes
Hugs or Kisses - erk both?
Shorter or Taller - taller
Romantic or Spontaneous - both?
Sensitive or Loud – both!
Troublemaker or Hesitant? - hesitant?

Have you ever,

Kissed a stranger
haha... nope

Drank bubbles
nope!

Carbonated drinks
all the time during my teenage years.. good old days

Ran away from home
Yup.. but i when back home... lapaq lah.

Liked someone younger
o hell yeah

Broke someone's heart
hmm... maybe.. i'm not sure.

Been arrested
not yet

Cried when someone died
yup.

Do you believe in,
Yourself – sometimes.. but mostly no i don't believe in me
Angels - yup... it always help to know that there is someone who is watching over you.

Is there someone you want to be with right now?
You bet.. but she doesn't feel the same way about me...

Coming to term

I hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you’re always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you’re not around,

and the fact that you didn’t call.

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,

not even close…

not even a little bit…

not even at all.

now that's funny

All i hope for now is for her to understand why things between us can never be the same as it was before. it is not that i dont want to remain friend.. i do.. but i cant just get on with the friendship and pretend nothing ever happen.. because something did happen. Her companinship was always the highlight of my day at the office... and i guess that is where these stupid feeling started to bloomed. It is killing me that now i cant even go and say "Hi" to her.

I wrote an email to apologize to her because i dont think i can face her to say it in person. Lame, i know. Today she finally read it and response... she said that it was ok and she would like to remain friend. She also forgave me... to which i am very thankful. I replied (not sure if i should.. but hey.. my heart is stronger than my brain).. and said that it is not that i dont want to be friend... but i am ashamed and embarrased of how things turn out to be... and from this i hope she understand why i've been avoiding her.... i could not look at her any differently... i still have feeling for her (i know i should have thrown it away the moment i knew she was taken)... i cant just get rid off it... that is not how it supposed to work...

hopefully everything will end well.... i'm going to let myself drown in my sorrow for the time being... there is nothing better than that now... hopefully i will emerge from it with a much better feeling than i have now...

being rejected still sucks.. no matter how many time you may have experience it.. it still feels like the first time...

damn~!

A less cliched word for sorry.

I never thought that a strayed words to a friend was going to get blown out of proportion and come back to bite me in the backside. I should have kept it a secret and not told anyone at all. It was my fault that it got to be this way. Now we can't even be friends anymore. It is too awkward and embarrassing for me. I should have learn my lesson long ago... when it came down to the matter of the heart... it is never a good idea to make it public... making her uncomfortable and embarrassed was not my idea of making an impression... and for that, I am really really sorry. It was never my intention... but I should have known this would happened... my only excuse is... the heart can be very stubborn sometimes... a weak excuse and I know that... if this piece of confession ever reaches her shores... please know that I am very very sorry for how things turn out to be... I never planned this... if it is any consolation... I do wish you the very best with your new relationship... I know from the start that I didn't have a chance... I told that to my heart everyday... it just wont listen to me....

For what it worth,... she is worthy of all the pain I felt inside... she really does... the only regret I have is I wished things didn't turn out the way it has... "aku malu" ... I cant changed the past... if I could I would have leave the company and find another job.. but I can't... I hope this will end well. I cant bear to be the reason she is uncomfortable and embarrassed...

I hope that I learn from this.... there have been too many mistake on my part... a fact that I cant just ignore... especially when this also affect another party... this has got to stop. So for friends who works with me... stop all this teasing and gossips... she can't take it anymore... and I don't want her to feel that way...

I sense that my time here is running out... we cant be at the same place anymore... if an opportunity presented itself to me... and it is favorable... I will leave this place... It would definitely makes things better... even if i love this place... something has got to give....

Again... I am very sorry about this... events and things that happened is beyond my control... I should have handle it better when it was very early but i didn't.... the mistake was all mine.

I'm sorry for screwing up.

Now i am paying the price for not denying it...