Song away

-- I think I like revival --

Make me a deal and make it good for me
I wont get full of myself, coz i cant afford to be
This is small town music, this is big town music
He's ahead of his time you know but, he cant use it
If only he could prove it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Hey

See what your man has done to the world
see what the world has done to your man
You know im leaving you, you dont need me
Lovin you wasnt always so easy

This is believe me music, this is forget me music
This is who can love me you know, this aint no roxy music
This is new form music, this is old form music
This is i paid attention not some makes his prediction music
Oh he could let me use it

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

Not wanting to write a truthful song over an eighties groove
I like to let you know I'll always be straight with you
I stole my personality from an anonymous source
And I'm gonna pay for it too, I dont feel bad about that
Give me my chance back

This is on the rise music, this i novelty music
This is who can blame music, I dont get fooled by it
This is where dyu go music, this is come home music
This is down to the wire I'm such a perfect angel music.
Who really tries

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

This is success music and whats it to ya?
My lawyer always says these are the fact about the future well

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away

Tomorrows just a song away, a song away, a song away
Its just a song away

the tale of being this close to the big three zero

So by tomorrow I will be 29... it will be another 1 year before that big 30 comes and take me to a whole new place... not really something I look forward to... I don't know what it is.. but 30 kinda scare the hell out of me...

A friend of mine once said that.. in life there are 3 stages... it started once you completed your education.. the first 10 years will be your "looking/searching" stage... it is where you look for what you wanted to do in life and how to get it... the second one will be the "do it" stage.. this is where you strife your best to get what you wanted in life and give it all you got to achieve it... the last one is the "enjoy your fruit of labour" stage... as the name suggested... this is when after all that have been said and done... you can relax and reaped the benefit of the work and effort you have put into your life...

My friend divide the stages into 10 years each... and he started at 20 when you are young and most of the time don't know what you really wanted in life... (how true...) So by using his method, this year is my last year to actually seek what I really wanted in life...

I guess I am still a blur when it comes to what I really wanted to do in life... all I know is... now at 28, I just cannot see myself working in an office environment anymore... this is not how I imagined my life would be... (at 17, I always thought that I will be working in some kind of engineering projects... but I guess being a student in a technical school push that image through my mind)...

When I was a kid back in my hometown and living the simple life... I always wanted to be a pilot... a space craft pilot to be exact (like I said to some people whom I have known for some time now... I am a sucker for everything outer space)... but that was a tad bit ridiculous... I know... kids have the widest range of imagination... so I scale it down a little once I'm a old enough to know how ridiculous my dreams are... so fighter pilot was my aim... back then MiG-29 was still in its prime... F-18 hornet is not far behind too... I would spent my day... day dreaming about flying across the open sky... doing some "out -of-this-world" maneuver... man, I would have died a happy man if that dream becomes a reality... too bad, when I reached 17... I had to wear glasses and that dream died with that...

Then I started to learn how to play football... and naturally that becomes my dream.. to play football for Liverpool... to grace the grass at Anfield, to score a winning goal for my favorite team and also to stand in front of the Kop End to hear the fans chanting my name... but since iIgot no skill whatsoever... that dream died after I last wore my school jersey (on which I found my favorite number... 11)... 4th place isn't that bad... but I only played 2 games (both being a 1 - 1 draw)

When I was 10 years old, I wanted to be a scientist, just like the great Einstein or Newton... but that dream was induced by a friend of mine who back then seems like "the man"... he knows everything about the scientific world that I just can't help but marvel at his knowledge... but then by 11, I had move to KL and that dream died with it...

Oddly enough, I had no dreams whatsoever when I first came to KL... a big city, with lights all along the town streets... mesmerized as I was (were?? my grammar is almost none existence).. no dreams comes out of it... such metropolitan city would have triggered my imagination wild... but I guess loosing my grandfather has put a dent on my imagination... but then again.. the growing up part also might play a role there...

So when I was 16, I went to a boarding school of some sort, trying to see if I can actually be away from my mother... it was hard at first.. being a mommy's boy doesn't help at all... but I managed to finally accept the new environment... heck, I had the best 2 years of my life there... and it is here where I first imagine myself in an office environment... kinda had too... everyone is now at an age where they feels the need that ambitions needs to be realistic... and being a pilot at that time was never a realistic target... so does professional footballer...

So after completing high school and goes through the hardship of trying to get into a university... here I am.. stuck in the rat race... in which there is no getting out of...

I wonder if I had chosen a different path... like instead of getting into this computer stuff, and go ahead with my initial engineer path..?? would I be better off? I guess no one knows...

Being this close to the big three zero might not be that uncomfortable if you already knows what you wanted out of this life... as for me,.. the search will go on and to know that the dateline is so freaking near is not very ideal... even though I might denied it... the pressure is getting to me... and it is making me nervous...

Life is a journey... and it is a journey to the end...

hati berkecamuk

Through the madness of the chaotic frenzy of criticism created by the mass media,
Through the pain barrier,
Through everything they throw at us (beach balls included)

We persisted,
We huff and puff,
We chased every lost causes,
We showed them what it takes to be a red,

Because our eyes have seen the glory.

and in the end

They are left speechless and destroyed...

never once have i doubted my team
even when we were supposed to be in a crisis...

That's what real fan supposed to be...

be it sunshine or rain...

damn I wish I have enough money to go to Anfield.. at least once in my life

Nothing ever made to last

I wish you joy
I wish you happiness
above all
I wish you the best of luck
For...
come this Saturday
you'll be entering a new stage of your life
and I bid adieu to you ... (just because I don't want to get stuck in the memories of you... getting over you was hard enough)

So I am walking away from all of this
with the hope
that...
by this time next year...
I'll be going out with one of these girls
...
(I would have attached pictures of pretty girls here but I'm too lazy to do that... so I'll write their names instead)
1. Milla jovovich
2. Demi lovato
3. Hannah Tan
4. Lisa Surihani
5. Intan Azura
6. One of the pussycat dolls
7. zhang zhi yi
8. Maggie Q
9. Jessica Michibata
10. Jenna Jameson or Jenna haze

Selamat Pengantin Baru to you, dear old flame

The pleasure was all mine
I Hope you had the time of your life....

1 friend request

" 1 friend request".... itulah perkataan yang terpapar kat facebook aku... selalunye kawan2 or some random people trying to grow their mafia family (those who loved mafia wars game in facebook would understand)... so click ajer yelah... sekali mata aku terpaut kat namer orang tu.... sangat familiar... bukan setakat familiar ajer.. nama nie lah dulu yg buat aku giler bayang angau tak bertempat circa 1998... biar betul!!! ingat lagi dier kat aku (walaupun dier dah kawin.. and later aku found out dier dah ade 2 orang anak dah pun)... fuh eksaited betol... terus aku approve and dengan sepantas gaban tukar uniform aku check profile dier... she's changed... alot.. physically... well aku pun dah tak sama physically.. so anyway itu tak penting.. the fact that she remembered me is far more important... aku memang ler ingat kat dier... tempat jatuh lagi dikenang ini kan pula... (pepandai korang la sambung... hehe)...

after i managed to get over the awe of actually "jumpe" dier after all these years of wondering/wandering... dier tegur aku... wah she DID remembered me... huhu atas awan kejap.. so we talk about all the missing years when our lives no longer intertwined and why I did not contacted her even though we were only minutes away time college dulu... tak patut la aku melebih plak .. memandangkan she's happily married now...

=======================
========================

Well Raya was a blast... had a wonderful time with the cousins and relatives even though not all of them managed to balik kampung this time around... seperti biase kerja bakar lemang and masak rendang (masak jer... bakar kayu letak peruik and tunggu masak tu ajer).. memang aku kena buat.. although not the entire process la.. part2 yg ade kena mengena ngan api ajer la... hentak2 lemang tu kena la buat .. takkan nak suruh mak aku kot... important news.. ini tahun raya, gua dapat 2 angpau.. RM7 in total... haha lama dah tak dapat angpau... so happy jugak ler... plus jumpe old friends from my days growing up in malacca... ahh bliss... dah hebat2 dah kawan2 aku dari kampung nie .. sudah berjaya di Kuala Lumpur... aku?? masih di takuk lama... takde kemajuan langsung...

Words

Words failed me
at times
when the lump in my throat
is hard to swallow

Words hurt me
sometimes
when it cuts deeper
than any sword could

Words confuses me
all the time
When people are saying things
that they don't meant

Words inspire me
at some point of time
When I could write instead of saying
the things I wanted to say properly

Words compounded me
When it doesn't rhyme
When the words I'm looking for
is missing from my vocabulary

Aku ingin bebas

Aper yg aku betul2 nak sekarang nie... ??

Well aku nak tukar kerja... not because of the pressure of moving to a new team but more to the fact that my current company is being taken over by another company.. a big one ... and the fact that they decided to cut cost... saper yang teruk kena.. kami lah pekerja2.. kalau tak sign by November takde kerja.. kalo sign... merana lah hidup kat sini... i hate this..

and aku rindu pergi keje naik LRT... dah bertahun aku kerja di kawasan yg takde stesen LRT.. it's either drive sendiri or naik bas... naik bas pun ok tapi aku tak tahan jam dalam bas.. rela aku jam dalam kete.. at least radio tu aku yang control... boleh dengar stesen radio yang aku suker... tak perlu melayan karenah driver yang selalu pilih stesen radio salah... anyway dah jarang dengar morning crew (tak kire lah stesen aper pun).. layan CD pun besh... putar2 lagu yg sama sampai aku bosan tahap dewa ngan lagu tu... tak pun masuk kan CD yg dia bagi time besday aku tahun lepas... ye lah tak dapat orang.. hadiah yang dier bagi pun jadi lah... at least dier sudi nak bagi aku hadiah... walaupun dier tak sayang aku macam aku sayang dier... takpe lah hati dier... memang hak dier nak bagi kat sesaper pun... aku bukan orangnya... okey nostalgia plak... so anyway... nak tau CD aper dier bagi aku... CD hujan... aku takde la minat sangat ngan hujan nie tapi music diorang nie aku rase agak unik.. lain dari band punk/alternative/indie Malaysia yg lain... plus aku bias... CD nie hadiah dari seorang awek yang aku sangat suker.. so sedap or not aku dengar ajer... dengar sambil berangan2 tangkap cintan ngan dier... hahaha teruk dah aku nie... kronik mungkin?? .. takpe la.. "i'll get over her some other day... but today is not the day" .. tu lah alasan aku hari hari.. ntah biler nak luper pun aku tak tau...

dan aku tak sabar nak hidup sendiri... "mom, i love you but it's time for me to leave the nest...", umur pun dah dekat2 ngan angka 30... sampai bile takmo beli rumah sendiri... lambat nyer la 2010... biler rumah aku siap nanti aku free... i bet i'll be going back to my mom's every weekend.. ye lah.. gua bukan reti masak.. masak air boleh arr... and aku seorang yg lazy.. tak cayer.. tanye mak aku... confirm dier cakap aku malas.. so baju aku saper mau cuci... either balik umah mak or beli washing machine.. hantar dobi is out of the question... dengan gaji aku yang akan menjadi semakin sedikit (not that it is any banyak now) takde la aku nak hantar dobi.. aku nak buat business dobi ade lah... hahaha

tu jer yang aku nak sangat sekarang nie... takde la melampau kan?? simple things... most of all aku rindu tengok gelagat (dan awek/amoi lawa) dalam LRT... last sekali aku naik lrt... mase balik dari Singapore lepas tengok Liverpool hari tu... tapi itu perjalanan balik ke rumah.. aku prefer perjalanan ke KL... aku rase ianya lebih interesting.. ye lah muka org sumer tgh happy.. nak melepak/dating/shopping la kater kan... time balik muke sumer cam cuka... hehehe... yeah aku pun camtu... dah ler terpikir nak kena jalan kaki lagi nak sampai rumah... ye aku memang pemalas...

'cause it's too much, yeah it's a lot, to be something i'm not,
I am a fool out of love 'cause i just cant get enough!

the ring of fire

Much had happened to me before the dengue episode i had 2 weeks ago... the trip to Singapore to watch Liverpool... the progress on my on going struggle to actually learn how to lead a team... and that one cute doctor who treated me for my illness... hence the "sayang di jarinya sudah ade sebentuk cincin " crap that i have been parading around especially on yahoo messenger.... but it has gone and to write about it now would be bland... so anyway

Selamat berpuasa all

My melodramatic romance

Semalam aku tertewas...
perlukah aku elaborate further...
tak perlu rasanya.. korang boleh buat any assumptions yang korang rasa patut...
aku bukan nyer bintang pun...
kesilapan aku walau sehalus maner pun takkan terpapar di muka hadapan akhbar2 yang dah mmg penuh dengan dusta politik yang ntah hape hape ntah...

semalam aku jatuh di kancah...
buat aper aku berpusing2 berfikir tentang bende yang dah lepas ??

aku rasa hari hari yang mendatang semakin kelam... bukan nyer aku cuba untuk terus pesimis tapi it comes like a second nature to me... mampu ker aku terus berlakon "that i care" sedangkan aku mmg dah hilang minat dengan kerja aku... I'm doing this just to foot the bills... kalau lah aku dah takde komitmen confirm aku berhenti keje... better to received smaller income doing what you like that receiving a larger income doing something you hate... if the world does not revolve around money... you wont catch me doing what I do now... but heck we all know that the world is not going to be the same without money... so with the commitment yang aku dah tanda tangan.. aku terpakse terus kan ngan buat keje nie... cam bagus tapi actually keje hampeh... I rather be out in the jungle cataloging flora and fauna than being in this concrete jungle sitting in front of a laptop trying to find out how to actually do a follow up to a meeting that was help more than 2 weeks ago???... I hate doing administrative stuff... I was not made to lead... never was.. never will... corporate ladder will makes you do things you'll regret....

Ok lah that was my being sick for the last 2 weeks rant....
sungguh tak besh dok kat hospital... my first time plak tuh

so anyway... sorry to bore you people with this
aku seorang yang suka komplain tapi ter pernah pulak nak selesaikan satu masalah tu..
kerana aku seorang procrastinator

any forward motion counts

so what do i do now... a new challenge it is indeed... i need a place to start it all.. right now it is a bit messy... not documentation, no proper way to actually see what is being done... damn that's all to digest... not to mention that i have to come out with another documentation for all the account involved... why did i decided to tackle this challenge again?... let I'm giving myself until October.. let see if i can push myself to get this thing going... hopefully i will be able to get this project moving again... i know it is going to take a lot for me to actually do this... i have no plan B to fall back onto... i need this to be a success or at least moving rather than being stagnant...

I need to get with the team... even if i am not really the type of person who can just mingle with people i dont really know in a jiffy... well at least i know them by name... and we have spoken to each other before... it just take a little bit more to be at ease with them and then probably i will be able to in tune with what's their are doing and eventually move the team to a new level.. hahaha dream on aboo ... dream on...

Well the urgent matter here is for me to get started... once it is in motion, be it a bumpy ride or a smooth one at least it is in motion... any obstacles beyond the starting lineis.. well let cross that bridge once we come to it... for now I NEED to get it going... get a grip on yourself aboo and press on the gas pedal...

On another matter.. Selamat pengatin baru to hafez... my buddy from school... kawin dah kau nyer.. cam tak cayer jer... hahahaha

I seems to get in touch with a lot of people from my past recently... which is good.. because they remembered me... I must have made some kind of impression (haha perasan jap, boleh???)... so anyway it is good to catch up and see where they are now... talk about the silly things we've done over the years... hahahaha bliss.... sayang the girls.. all dah kawin... melepas aku.. hahaha

"Any forward motion counts!!"

bagai ais di goreng

Entah dari maner, aku pun tak berape sure.. tetiba aku di tegur oleh team lead dalam meeting " Aboo, there's an open position in puredisk. Are you interested ??" .. erk what? terkedu aku sekejap... aper aku nak jawap... memang minat pun actually.. tapi ye lah i got no experience with the application... training lain... real life environment lain... "erm .. yeah sure, i'd consider it"... jawap aku dengan suara yg jelas tak yakin... " think about it and let me know by Monday OK?"... adus, camner yer...

Well itu mase hari khamis lepas... now is Monday and i have given my decision to the team lead... yes i am interested.... Well itu sebelum another email masuk aku punyer inbox... mak aih resposibility list dier sket nyer banyak.. huhu... takut la plak.. kang tak perform sia - sia ajer kena fired.... bukan sajer setakat masuk team baru with new tools to learn and new environment to managed... aku di suruh lead the team as well... erk.. me ? lead? ... huhu i'm no leader... i'm a follower.. although frankly speaking... this is the opportunity i have been waiting for... cuma now biler dah dtg depan mata.. gua cam goyang plak... boleh ker aku buat mende nie?... sanggup ker aku di call every time ade issue? or masuk meeting @ wee hours... ? aku sendiri pun tak tau... tapi aku mmg nak masuk puredisk team... something new and exciting... even the underlying technology is new too... tapi bende baru selalu nyer agak sukar sket.. the learning curve is steep...

this is boring
i'm outta here


"It's okay to have scars, they will make you who you are" -- christmas TV by slow club

Are you sleepwalking?

The meet up with my colleague from my first real job when pretty well... there were much to talked about... many things have changed... 2 of them is married now... the rest of us are still looking for the spark... doubt the search will end soon.. but that's ok... it will end when you least expect it... or so they said lah... the food were delicious too... but i cant even finished mine... were more interested in the stories than the meal... should have a salad instead lah.. there goes my diet hahahaha...

On another note...
It takes a lot more than what i could offer... or at least that's the way i see it lah... i know i should be less pessimistic... because i said i wanted to improve... but some time you have call a spade a spade... it is not being pessimistic.. but it is being realistic... yeah sure, i do hope i am wrong... now that is being optimistic... something new, i learn to associate with myself with... provided me with a different point of view on things... haha... better late than never...

If it wasn't meant to be... try as hard as you may.. it wouldn't make a different... i will put my effort into it... i need to... the rest is out of my hands... the journey is long... it'll probably takes longer to click than i anticipated... we'll see... the journey is long... whatever the finsih line brings... it's the journey that count for most... the prize is juat a reward for the effort... so here i am trying... so here i am not giving up... so here i am... taking baby steps... so here i am making sure i'm not falling into the pessimism trap i laid for myself...

thank you for kind words...

Adik aku...

My sister got engaged yesterday... what a relieve.. and good luck to her husband to be... i love my sister to bits... and i only got 1 sibling.. but man, she is one very difficult person to handle.. she do things as she please without a care in the world...

But for all the fights/argument we gotten ourselves into.. we do still love each other.. ye lah adik beradik... marah pun tak lama.. kejap jer dah ok...

I will have to save some money to buy her a great wedding present... tak tau la aper nak bagi...
ideas are appreciated...

muke takde iras iras pun... aper la.. kater adik beradik... chait...

one moment in time

at a time when nothing worries us :D

This was a long time ago... at a time when life is all about having fun, breaking rules and chasing girls... seems like it was eon ago that we took this picture... a little information about this picture are:-

1. It was the first ever picture to be taken in our dormitory.
2. It was @ dusk... we were getting ready for our dinner and prayers.

We looked so much different today... time has eaten our youth and much of our love for breaking/bending the rules... hahaha.. things we did and the consequences that we faced... sometimes I wonder how the heck did we make it out alive from there... it is definitely one of the highlights of my life... thank you guys for the fun, the laugh and the tears... wouldn't change any of it for the world....

Top row:- Cat, Ezry, tapa, fakar, amat, me and zaiyad
Standing:- Lan, Ismie, Cha' ah, Apis, K.R.
seating:- End, raja, mat naien, feek, Omar

there still a few of us that were not in this picture...

mungkin gagal itu satu kurniaan

Mungkin lah.. sebab aku sendiri pun tak sure aper yang positif tentang kegagalan nie... and this is coming from someone yg sangat sinonim dengan kegagalan... aku selalu gagal that failure should be my middle name... haha... okalh enough on this negativity .. nanti orang igat gua emo plak... ade la sket tapi tak kronik sehingga memerlukan khidmat nasihat dari pakar perunding peribadi (kawan kawan la maksudnyer tu)... huhu

pagi tadi aku bangun kire awal la jugak... still lewat dari sepatutnyer but awal dari rutin... mata mmg mengantuk la.. tak cukup tido .. layan movie sampai kol 2 pagi.. ampeh... tapi kena la bangun... semangat sket sebab petang ni patut gi jogging kat tepi tasik (hint hint... peluang utk tgk anak dara keje kerajaan jogging skali) kat putrajaya.. tasik maner satu aku pun tak tau... aku lost la area putrajaya nie.. tapi kawan aku ajak jugak ... redah ajer la... sambil enjoy pemandangan (and awek) dapat gak menyihatkan tubuh badan yang telah sedia tak sihat nie... hehehehe...

the drive to work today cam ok plak... takde la traffic jam sangat.. sket2 ajer... sambil memekak menyanyi lagu 21 guns yang aku dok repeat sampai tahap aku hafal lirik dier... aku pun drive la dengan kadar segera untuk sampai opis.. ingat kalo sampai awal ade la parking dekat ngan opis.. hari cam takde mood plak nak jalan kaki... tapi sampai ajer mobil aku kat opis... ampeh parking full... shift malam nie tak reti balik umah ker??? damn.. so aku pegi la parking kat terminal.. jauh sket tapi takpe ... macam aku cakap kat entry sebelum nie.. aku ske sket jalan dari terminal nie... macam mendung ajer... dah le pernah orang jumpe ular kat semak tepi jalan tu... mmg adventure la... tapi sebab hari cerah... takpe arr .. kalo hujan.. aku tunggu jugak sampai ade parking kat opis....

ok lah awal sangat aku update blog nie takde mende nak citer... just terbace artikel ttg gagal tadi so macam nak komen tapi idea takmo kuar.. pakse2 pun tak guna kalo dier takmo kuar... so biar je lah.. nanti ade idea aku edit la balik mende nie

have a nice day ahead dudes!!!!!!!!!!

the one with the melancholy effect

melancholy?.. what does it mean? I don't know or more accurately I don't know how to describe it... but I do feel like it a lot especially in the morning during the long drive to the office and in the evening during the long drive back home... why only during that time?.. again I have no answer for that... most likely it is because... that's the only alone time I have nowadays... a time to reflect back on things that have been said or done... so anyway this post is not about my stupid affection with the word melancholy... but it is about this :-

I reached the office around 8am this morning... but I can't find any parking space near the office so instead or paying for parking but I still have to walk a long way to the office I decided to park a free parking space.. the distance to the office is about the same as the paid ones... and I like the long walk from there.. I got a chance to pass by my old office... fuh sungguh nostalgic aku nie... mahcam sial.... So anyway... as soon as I emerge from the car, I saw this 2 chicks... 1 is not bad looking... kecik ajer orangnyer... hahaha... dan aku plak besar cam gajah.... I walked past the first chick then I heard someone calling my name... " Eh, Rai"... well not my name la.. but during my high school days... there was a tiem when all the girls at my school would call me Rai.. since Aboo is such a kampung name.. hehehe... so I have not being called rai for a very long time... so I turned my head and .. Wallaaaa... my ex... standing there looking as puzzle as I am... awkward silence sekejap since dua dua tak tau aper mau cakap... " kenal tak??" she asked... I nodded my head... of course I remembered her... sebab aku pun tak reti nak cakap aper... soalan rutin la keluar... "erm keje kat sini ker (cyberjaya)".... she said she is working at one of the telco company... I was dumbstruck sekejap... I never expected to see her here, where I work.. but anyway.. I wave my Employee ID tag to her and said " I work here".. she recognised the logo and smile... I wave my hand and continue my walk to the office... takmo ler aku borak lebih lebih plak... she's married (divorced by now I think.. I heard from some friend la)... plus it was a long time ago.. something should just stay in the past... but still ... what a surprise... takpe la.. at least now I know she's working somewhere near my office... hahaha no good can come from that... so there goes all my plan to flirt with the girls from the telco company... dammit!!!!... haha ok lah.. jumpe bekas kekasih... menjadikan aku melankoli sekejap dan over dramatic sekejap.. hahaha

oh and by the way semalam aku terjumpe ngan seorang pelakon yg di mata aku sangat la cun.. ok maybe tak la sangat cun but still cun sehingga teringin aku nak buat bini (eventhough the chances are like 1 in a 90 centrilion)... scha yahya.. yerp the girl from that lame Air Asia drama... lame or not .. aku tgk sebab dier n kengkawan dier dalam citer tu cun... hahaha.. I need to start watching movie and drama for the entertainment and acting value instead of how hot the actress is... I really do... ha anyway that was my Monday and Tuesday morning...

21 guns

Oh I'm so loving this song... green day will forever be my most favorite band in the world... 15 years and counting...

Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Pretend it is all OK!!

There's nothing left to beg for

I might be a little high on "excitement" on my previous entry... I got my head stuck in cloud nine somewhere that I don’t realize... I have to come back down to earth as everything that goes up must come down... the fall back to earth has knock some sense (and reality) back into me... I was so taken by the experience that I forgot to look into the mirror and see the horror that people around me have to put up with everyday... so now I’m back in sync with the reality... no matter how much I try... to the masses I’m still just another face in the crowd... too ordinary to notice too regular to be a stand out... I know this might just be the pessimist in me taking over the optimism i felt yesterday.. But it is also the truth of this sick sad world we live in... Looks matter... money matter and above all... everyone has price... it's a question of how much are you willing to pay for him/her... price can be anything other than just money... the truth hurts... because there is no perfect world... where everyone is equal... our heart are corrupted by forces none of us had a defense for... but hey that's just me.. other people have their own view on life ... I am just trying to make me see the logic in me being so down after reaching such heights on Saturday... I guess that's the power girls have on me... they could turn an otherwise ordinary and dull day to a wonderful one... just by smiling and acting the way they do...


longing for belonging

outside, looking in
sampling emotions
an umbrella for the rainy days
inside looking outward

lurking for an opening
longing for belonging

outside, looking in
wandering thoughts
a silent question
"how must have it felt like?"

to belong, to believe and to be loved

outside, looking in
wasted on excitement
jealousy breeds anger
to belong on the inside

lurking for an opening
longing for belonging

inside, looking outward
guilty pleasures
ashamed by the joy
awkward sense of acceptance

outside, looking in
longing for belonging
inside, looking out
lurking for an opening

The tale of gut-wrenching battle between the need and the desire

So it was Saturday morning... I woke up at about 10 am... after a very tiring Friday night... (and no I was not out partying but was at my usual Friday futsal field... not many of the usual guys turned out that evening so we play almost non stop for 2 hours and yeah it was very and I stressed... very tiring... ) ... suddenly I am feeling restless... I know that Saturday is going to be a very long one for me... for after politely turning down a few invites from my friends to go on a speed dating thingy with them.. I finally decided to accept an invitation from Aida to go to a speed dating event... and my god, I think I got a truck loads of butterflies in my stomach... and it is only 10-ish in the morning... the event was not even supposed to start for a good 4 more hours... hahaha.. the thing about fear is ... sometimes it is unrealistic and your worse nightmare was not even close to what reality has to offer....

I managed to gather enough courage to drove myself there... thank god for Aida.. If she was not coming... I swore I would have turned back home the moment I reached the venue... oh and if you are wondering where is that.. it is somewhere in Damansara heights...

So after some initial uncertainties at what am I supposed to be doing there... the event went well.. or at least it is not ass bad as I thought it would be.... I mean really... for those who knew me well.. they definitely wouldn't bet that I will go through it all... my uber-shyness sometimes bordering anti-social... but like I said earlier... I found out that my fear is baseless and a tad unnecessary... the truth is... everyone there (bar a certain few) was feeling exactly the same... everyone got some sort of insect infestation inside their stomach... be it butterflies or roaches... it all felt the same... like your stomach suddenly decided to go AWOL and the gap between the upper torso and the legs are there for all to see.. well at least that's how I felt... after the first few tables (or girls).. my stomach decided to return and it was pretty much smooth sailing after that (well not that smooth la as I still managed to stuttered and lost for words...)... That's something for me to improve on if I ever decided to do this again... which I think is very likely since I did enjoyed the event... as I said in the beginning... it was not as bad as I thought it would be...

right now I am waiting for the results from the organizer... let see if I managed to get a match or not... the pessimism in me is doubting that I will get any... but that's alright... I went through it all.. that is an achievement in itself... anything more is a bonus... "baby steps aboo, baby steps"

Sunday was as boring as Sunday gets... spent my Sunday sleeping and playing game... a very big sorry to Ezry for missing your sister's wedding... I was super tired from Saturday I can't ever mustered up the strength to drove all the way to Kajang to attend your sister's wedding...

"Sometimes
I wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for
How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me" ... I feel so by box car racer

The preservation of the martyr in me

here we go... here we go again...

the pain and the glory once again
chicks dig scars
or is it stars??
whichever it is.. neither are easy to achieve
the scars bring back the pain
none of it were in vain

thou shalt not pass
pessimism of the mass
shattered and broken like glass
I am not part of your class
purely metaphoric rise to shame

I got tired of waiting
I need new friends
Oh Juliet,
stop me from fainting
I need new fiends

Oh inspire me
Oh blink me

Angela.. you're a danger he's addicted to
and I'm just a fool
who's love you'd never knew
and I don't want to be there when you're coming down

awesome possum
spare me the gloom
ignite my own heart
to fuel my own rage against the nothingness of this melancholic depression I seems to endure

"let the sun rise, let the birds sing
let there be light, the there be morning" ... the perishers' let there be morning.

crap psycho-analysis mumbo jumbo

I feel like I wanted to write something but I cant decide what to write so here are a bot of everything all written down into 1 stupid post....

* I have an exam coming up in about 2 hours time and I know I should be reviewing or studying something.. but all I can do is check my blog and facebook and also YMing... gosh facebook is addictive... or is it just me or the girls in facebook are much hotter than those in friendster... hmmmm..????

* By next Saturday I will be away... hahaha dapat naik kapal terbang woo hoo

* My car is due for an overdue service... huhu.. but then again so is my mum's and my sister's cars.

* Looking back at those picture during high school is making me realise that I was right... I peaked back in 96/97.... what a time to live huh back then???

* I cant wait for my apartment to be completed... the thought of living on my own scared and excite me all at the same time... ok more exciting than scary... unless the lake behind the yet to be completed apartment turn out to be a haunted one lah...

* Dont complaint that you have nothing to do... you might regret it.. I know I am.. hahaha

* The thing about trying is... you got to have the guts to do it... sitting there and hoping things will seek you out is not trying at all

* Cant wait for the next paycheck... I'm broke

* The more I worried about something, the more I tend to procrastinate

* I so heart you and you know who you are... you just don't know who I am... (the price you pay for falling for a girl on TV)

* I wish I am aboard one of the star trek inter stellar star ships... wait, if I can choose one... take me with you Voyager...

* I really got to do some studying right now...

I blinked and now it's gone

The weekend went by without a shred of tainted moments... Yeah sure I was on duty again for standby and apart from a crappy moments of slow VPN/Internet connection on Saturday night... everything was OK... there was not even the now all too familiar boredomness that I used to rant about last weekend... I guess I have now come to terms with the fact that... even though the standby duty in my current company is uber-boring but it pays the bill and there are no longer calls during the early hours of the morning.. something that was a routine in my previous company... especially on Monday morning when you needed a good night sleep in order to be back at the office @ 8:30 am... sure it was interesting meddling with issues that you can fixed.. or even issues that you definitely needed help with.. at least you get to disturbed other people sleep for a change... hahaha... So anyway work is fine for now... i have a feeling that it wont be this way in the future... My team definitely needs more action.. we have become stagnant... With that in mind, I requested some work from the US for us here in KL... so for the next few weeks... we are to meddle with ORACLE backups, Hosts files and daemons... hahaha... hopefully that would keep my team occupied for a while..

Went out for a drink or two with Aida on Saturday night after I had all the media and backups running (it's not often i get to go out during standby but what the heck, I know how the system act nowadays)... Luckily there were no restoration over the weekend... Aida is moving back to her hometown... "I guess I'm a small town girl after all" she said... hmm... makin boring la hidup aku nie... so we talk about everything under the sun that night... It has been a while since I last talked to Aida.. so there were so many things to talk about... We were supposed to go to Pusat Bandar Damansara but somehow ended up @ Uptown... My sense of direction is gone... I need to go out Cheras area more... It was a great night... went back @ around 2am...

I think my latest conquest is doomed... but it is expected... so on to the next target...

UPDATE:-
Conquest pursuit since September 08 :- 4
Successful :- NIL
Failed :- 2
Unknown :- 2

Expecting to failed a lot this year... haha... I haven't been in the game for far too long so it's obvious I need some buffer before getting back to my best... LOL... like I was any good before... but I'm not getting any younger so I got to give it a go... losing is part of the game... the most difficult part is the first hurdle... I am big/fat.. so to get girls see pass that is not easy... it's not like I have a charming personality to dazzle them... and I don't blame people who can't see pass the physical appearance... I am having a difficult time to do that as well... even if I'm much uglier... we are living in a superficial world... looks and money counts... but anyway that's a challenge for me to tackle... doubting myself has not gotten me anywhere... so a bit of optimism here could put a spring in my steps... who knows...

Give 'em hell!!!

what a match it turned out to be... someone has to lose... and in the Liverpool is knocked out of the Champion's league... I know it is no consolation in the way we ring the fight to Chelsea but the boys had done us, the supporter of this great club, proud... By far this has got to be the best match I've seen this season... hands down... hopefully we'll bounce back high and capture the elusive premier league title... a big ask but not an impossible one..as long as it is still mathematically possible.. there's a chance...

Dinding Api!!!!

Rainbow over the horizon

I had a very tiring day f battling with firewall issue yesterday... and guess what?? I am still having trouble with it today... I just can't get my head around it this time... and the most sad part of it is I know I do not have access to the firewall...so I can't see the rules there... but after 1 and a half day of looking I still can't find the bloody team that is responsible for firewall... firewall and me has never been on a steady relationship... It has always been a turbulent one.. Just last week, because I have disabled the McAfee Firewall... or HIPS if you want it more specific... I can't browse the net.. i mean in Internet Explorer I could but not in Firefox or Opera... even my BitComet was not working... and yes.. YM was affected too... I was pulling my hair out trying to figure out what when wrong..only to discover that... by turning off the firewall... all my installed applications that was using the internet was affected by it... default stuff like Internet Explorer was not affected.. wierd huh??... so in the end.. here is what I can concluded... firewall although it is created for security... it is really not very user friendly... I dont particularly like MCafee... or Norton for that matter... my number 1 anti-virus would be Trendmicro... and if i am feeling cheap... Avast or kapersky or paling chekai pun.. AVG... I dont really trust Dell laptops... HP/Compaq/Fujitsu is still the best laptops... and I hate it when the information on the local intranet that we, support people, rely on a daily basis is not up to date... it's making working a living hell... so after I'm done with this.. it is back to square one with the firewall thingy...

The weekend was Ok lah I think... the workload on Sunday was bearable.. unlike on saturday... managed to catch F1 racing on tv... how unfortunate it was stopped... can't really blame them... no one is going to drive any faster than a road going car in that condition... I'm super glad for Heidfeld... he deserve the points... I have always favoured him in rainy condition... one of the best driver in rain... Schumacher is another one... Hamilton or Alonso got nothing on Heidfeld in the rain... So anyway, can't wait for the next one...

I am tired of not being in the game... it's freaking lonely at times... but I'm also tired of being a substitute... I want more playing time... and I think, the last time I try to get in the game (after last year's fiasco with my office colleague), I was shot down straight...but as I have listed on my new year resolution... this year is the year where I am going to failed a lot in the game (of love)... but it will be a test... at least by the end of the year I can say "hey, i've tried"... so that 3 blank since late last year... hoping for more to come... sure 1 can sangkut... aiyohh so unlucky is it?? ok... stay positive.. at least until October.. huhuhu..

"Mungkinkah akan biasa,... dengan segala... yang tiada"

It could have been something else.. but hell, it turned out to be just like before!!!

So this is my last week as the on call slave monkey... I'll get a rest next weekend before the cycle start all over again... it is not that hard but this week is a bit different.. the boss in US is on a 10 days holiday.. so that leave me in charge of things... i hate responsibility... but.. what to do... plus i have to watch over the new guy... he's a bit lazy sometime but a good guy nonetheless... some might say it is bullying.. but i had to push him hard because he just take it simple... i asked him to write down all the important notes... he did but then forgot where he wrote it... come on i was a junior once before... if you don't make the effort to learn i wont make the effort to teach.. 3 times after that you are on your own... that is why i hate looking after people.. I'm no leader... so anyway next week I'm going to grind him on those troubleshooting and configuration stuff... the restoration and other stuff will have to wait... he need to get his basics right...

Apart from my work tales... nothing much worth mentioning has happened to me... there's a girl.. then there was not... so same old shit keeps happening to me... and i grow tired of complaining about it... let just wait and see for the next one to come... I have promise myself that .. this year I'll make an effort to at least talk or meet girls... so far it has not work wonders.. i am still " oh he's just some guy i know at a arty or something"... so something has to change... maybe growing facial hair was not a very good idea.. or maybe i need to be more exciting.. you know read up on the current happenings... instead of the usual chit chat that takes you no where... OK.. will work on that... how to be charming when you are not born with it??... I'll goggle that up after I'm done typing this...

I guess that's it... i am pretty lame lately...
girls, they mess with your head and your heart...
or in the words of a character in the movie Pearl Harbor " Girls, they clouds the mind".

have a nice weekend!!!!!

no u-turn ahead!!!

another dead end??
or just a fork in the road ??
maybe I just gives up too early ??
maybe it was never anything to begin with

chances and probability
you should never bet on me
you can never tell this early
if there is actually...

Is it a weakness...
to actually not wanting??
to not be able to bring oneself
to carry out an objective that's no longer relevant

I guess the heart
and not the eyes
is the ultimate judge
to be or not to be
and maybe you and I will not believe in the things we find behind the door...

"Kusimpan katamu terpahat dalam hati
Biarkan masa meniti jalanku
Diriku disini tetap disini
Hingga akhirnya kita jumpa lagi" --> khayalan masa, one buck short

knocked silly!!!

I came, i saw, i perished, i crumbled, broken and shattered into pieces,
i wonder and yet wondering does not make a different
a simple question and a simple gesture
my oh my
this is not chemistry

I think i could if i wanted it bad enough
perception changes and the intention fades into the night
i am weak at standing my ground
hold on, hold on
there's light in every tunnel

slow down, slow down
you are not a pawn
and she may yawn
but all is not gone

for a second i thought i could
now it is obvious she would
i am not in the mold
down with all the gold
and the glitters that comes along

ok this is crap... will post it anyway
and make adjustment to it later....

i am so out of my head now!!!!

so anyway... my old friend from HP send me this
http://www.date-escalade.blogspot.com/

if you are interested in speed dating.. there are 2 seat left... tapi for guys jer... girls dah full

I'd give it a shot if i am not on duty for the stupid on call slave monkey work this weekend....
have a great weekend dudes!!!!!
i know i wont.... damn you on call schedule!!!!!!!

Dry Ice (the machine of time)

letih sungguh nak aku fikirkan... bukan masalah yang besar pun.. tapi aku bosan.. giler bosan... bosan dengan kerja, bosan dengan rutin hidup yang sama sajer hari hari, bosan dengan ketidakmajuan diri aku sendiri mostly. aku cukup bosan tengok macam maner aku hidup sekarang nie... ade sajer yang tak kena... buat buat malas salah, buat buat rajin salah... tak buat aper aper pun salah... angau ker aku???.. rase nyer tak... tak mungkin lah... bukan ade awek pun yang aku tengah tangkap syiok tahap longkang pun... setakat minat kat diana danielle tu biase la... minah tu memang cun pun.. tapi takkan la aku angau kat dier kot... impossible lah... she's way, way beyond reach... haha.. no, no, it's not angau lah.. it's tiredness of the same old shit again and again...

kerja dah start mula nak buat aku pening lebih lebih.. kalau dulu relax jer sebab responsible sikit ajer... now.. sikit - sikit " Abu could you please create a document for ticket handling for the audit??... could you create the on call list for the next 2 months?... we still do not have any KT document for legato team.. Abu any comment?? ... shit!! masa orang lain jadi lead takde pulak korang mintak dier buat all this document?? aper lah... bukan nyer aku marah sangat pun... tapi sekali datang bertubi - tubi... sakit tangan aku menaip.. dah ler aku nie jenis lembab dalam hal - hal menaip nie.... So sumer nie memang contributed to me feeling like crap.... heck even Liverpool thumping Aston villa last weekend did nothing to improve my mood... I need to change... but dont know where to start.

langkah kaki aku hari hari makin tak betul... kejap aku nak ni... then a few minutes later nak buat mende lain lak... maybe i got ADD but never realized it... who knows kan?? maybe i should concentrate on one thing at a time... like shedding a few (well maybe more lah) pounds off the waist area... or simpan duit for later biler aku pindah rumah (huhu tak sabar siot tunggu umah aku siap)... aku suffer from chronic anticipation of nothingness

"pelan pelan kayuh" kata my good friend, En. buaya... haha why En. buaya??.. i guess you guys pun paham aper sebabnyer ketaksuban orang kat sini ngan buaya... no.. not for the skins like in the west.. but as a "kata ganti nama" or something to that effect. hahaha ok aku membebel... tapi ade betul jugak cakap En. buaya nie,... being old and wise .... yang aku tak sabar sabar nak buat all the things yang aku missed before apsal?... i think that has something to do with me being a late bloomer.... oh well... sometime, sambung si buaya lagi... we need to stop and turn around to see where we've gone and remember the things we've been through... a reminder of how we have grown... ok not exactly like that la.. tapi ade lah sounding macam tu... kenkadang aku terfikir pulak.... there are times i feel that i learn more from listening to people rather than learning from my own mistakes... sebab aku bukan nyer handal dalam belajar pun.. SPM pun cukup - cukup makan jer... tapi bile orang cakap, diorang buat otak aku berfungsi... macam bile cikgu ajar baru la aku paham amende sebenarnyer E=mc(square)... hahaha... i need stimuli (ahaks.. rase cam pelik jer words tu... hehe yer yer otak aku biru sket... haha)...

so anyway.. there goes my rat this Monday.... i hate Mondays.. it brings the crazy lazy person in me...

adios!!!!!!

"i have a ring ring in my head, and no one to help me answer it, even when you're close enough to kiss" Jimmy eat world.

the age of princesses, pirate ships and the 7 dwarfs

It's not the past glory or the fact that it was by a big margin... it was the feeling of beating your fiercest rival on a level playing field that counts.... no money in the world could buy you that... we may not get the title.. but hell, it still feels super great to beat United................

I hope for a fair draw tonight... Don't mind meeting United again...

Prediction time... here are what my crytal ball is telling me :-

Man Utd VS Barcelona
Arsenal VS Villareal
Porto VS Liverpool
Chelsea VS Bayern Munich

hahaha ... this will be the best case scenario for English fan since none of the premiership team are facing each other... I really doubt that it will be like this once the draw is over.... whatever it is .. this is going to be one exciting quarter final for quite sometime...

"Justice for the 96"

Law of I have nothing interesting to write about so I copied an email instead...

How True

Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

The way it's going to be!!!

So a new chapter opens today... one which I am frankly a bit apprehensive to take on... with my colleague leaving the company.. I am now the primary support for the account that we are handling... frankly speaking I am less worried about the technical stuff... I mean, so far I have yet to really really struggle with the technical side of thing.. not that I am very good it just... so far it has been a routine... things you learns will repeat it self in time.. so if you actually learn and take notes... you are not going to struggle a lot ... plus any new issue that would arise could be deal with "team work".. hahaha cliche, I know... but I hate the responsibility that comes with being the primary person.. everything that has to do with the account need to go through you... the interviews (if we are hiring),.. the ID creation, the knowledge transfer, etc... I prefer to be lead.. not to lead... I'm a bad leader...

but seeing it from another perspective.... this could be the opportunity I have been waiting for... it is a chance to shine (if i do it correctly).. a chance to show what I can actually do.. a chance to shred away my pessimism and actually take the lead into a whole new world called optimism... only I can change who I am... though I love my pessimism... it has so far bought me nothing of value other than my so called "different perspective"... and at 28 I could do with a change in attitude... being positive has it advantages... who knows... it could be a change for the better... instead of hiding from responsibility like I always did if it could be avoided... I could step up and be counted this time around... plus it is a good way to gain more experience both technically and in other field.. I hope lah...

who knows.. if I could be positive and maybe the girl will start to come my way in the truck load.. hahahaha.. dream on abu dream on...

all I know is.. there is no hiding from this one... unless I quit the job.. or ask the management to appoint someone else instead.

So anyway enough on work for now... it's not even a promotion... just added responsibility...

I just booked an apartment a couple of weeks ago... I really need to start living on my own now that I am almost 30... so far, nothing has been signed yet except for the booking papers... the bank has yet to response to my loan application... and the lawyer are still to get in touch with me regarding the sales and purchase agreement... what to do lah??? I have never bought a house before... what is the standard procedure??... do I need to apply for loan myself??... I got the developer to passed my document to their panel banks... I have about 1 week more according to the agreement with the developer to get everything done ( or so I think.. I never really read the fine print anyway... I guess I need to start reading any document that I sign huh??)... life is so much simpler when I just sign off a document and start the payment... now I need to wait for my loan application lah.. wait for the lawyer lah... bikin susah orang saja!!!!!.... dah ler rumah tu lambat lagi siap... I cant wait to move out... next year is going to be very exciting...

I am going on a diet.. tak kira lah... too freaking fat lah now... no wonder girls never gave me a second looks (not that they will give me a second looks if I'm not this fat anyway)... so now kurangkan makan... exercise??? arghhh susah nyer nak buat... kemalasan tahap maksimum... biarlah.. let see if I will actually follow my plan.. which is to eat less... experience tells me it wont happen because eating is GOOD... hahaha

till later dudes!!!!

= " ... then i wonder why she sleeps with my friends" , self-esteem --> the offspring.

courage (or lack of there of)

the ability to step up and take the responsibility
to swallows one pride and face the music
to be able to smile at the face of horror
to muster enough will power to achieve one's goal
to take owner ship of a doomed situation and turn it around
to dare to fail even when very little seems to make sense
to take oneself to the next level...

ahh who am i kidding
i dont have enough courage to do any of this!!!

"with all of this i know now, that nothing i do changes me at all"

9 to 5 pace!!!!!!!

Okay i have to admit this... i have been very lazy for the past 5 month or so... apart from doing my work at the office and the weekly futsal game.. i have done pretty much nothing... something has got to change...

*sorry for those who have tagged me... i am super lazy to do it... i need a kick on the backside to get me going again...

Gives you hell -- all american rejects

I wake up every evening, with a big smile on my face
And it never feels out of place
And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far
You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you even know where you are

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell
Hope it gives you hell

Tomorrow you'll be thinking to yourself
Yeah, Where'd it all go wrong, the list goes on and on

And truth be told I miss you
And truth be told I'm lying

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

Now you'll never see, what you've done to me
You can take back your memories they're no good to me
And here's all your lies,
You can look me in the eyes
With that sad sad look that you wear so well

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

If you find a man that's worth a damn and treats you well
Then he's a fool, you're just as well, hope it gives you hell

When you see my face
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell
When you walk my way
Hope it gives you hell, Hope it gives you hell

When you hear this song and sing along, oh you'll never tell
Then you're the fool, I'm just as well, Hope it gives you hell
When you hear this song I hope that it will give you hell
And when you sing along I hope that it puts you through hell

**I just cant get this song out of my head...

Random thoughts!!

These are the things that crossed my mind... collected over a period of 2 days... not all are recorded though... most of it are ramblings rather than thoughts.. but whatever...

the realization that what i did now will have an impact on my future is really disconcerting???

what kind of shift in the movement of a tiny speck of atom could eventually lead to its destruction.. but then again.. all humans are meant to die..

one way or another!!

of discussing about the matter of life and what we are in the grand master plan of the universe... cant help but feel tiny and insignificant... obviously the feeling is mutual... or probably it was just me... where do i fit in this grand scheme??? ... just another random convulsion of atom to form a life not worth living for??
practically??.... could a tiny speck of dust really make a different... in chemistry it could... if you lose an hydrogen atom in H2O... then there will be no water at all...

does .... exist? or it is just another myth??

i guess i could if i wanted to (bad enough)... the problem is... i lose interest after a while... A.D.D.???
who knows... it is just some random electrochemical signals (is it really?? )... in your brain that makes you do a certain things that you do not want to do... is this just another tantrum... throwing a tantrum is good ey?? it releases enough stress to make you forget things.. haha.. trying to find a reason for something that is beyond reason??... i am way beyond redemption... Bob Marley probably thinking the same thing when he wrote the redemption song... again i am just searching for reasons but not answers... i need closure.. but then again who doesn't, right??...

I'm counting sheeps but i'm running out of sheeps... insomnia got no cure!!!

the anatomy of the unspoken words between 2 or more people... that doesn't makes any sense does it... i am not making any sense now, do i??

hope or false hope is after all a hope... expection = 0

It's a sick sad world out there!!

#include
#include

int expectation; // the result of the calculations
char oper_char; // the user-specified operator
int value; // value specified after the operator

int main()
{
result = 0; // initialize the result

// Loop forever (or till we hit true love or some other condition we're OK with!!!)
while (1) {
cout << "Expectation: " <<>> oper_char;
cin >> value;

if (oper_char = '+') {
expectation += value;
} else {
cout << "You are Hopeless!!! " << oper_char << '\n'; } }
return (0);
}

** this program will never run because i did not do it properly (copy + paste and edit)

Colin was determined to prove that his theories are correct... a mathematically proven formula to predict how a relationship will end (An Abundance of katherine)...

I am just tired... the flu is bugging me and i woke up on the wrong side of the bed

am i going senile???

it was blown out of proportions

i was there... but never really there... geddit??

cloud nine... why nine??? cloud three seems great too?? goggled it, but i cant understand the article.. should have bought a dictionary then...

chuck and sarah were meant to be together... they should just suck it up and get on with it...

Oasis was really a good band... their stars fades away pretty fast though... "I'm free to be whatever i, whatever i choose..." --> whatever, Christmas album...

I want to walk this planet with...

expiration date... do we really need one???

make believe world vs the reality = imagination runs wild

changes are needed... or so they said

Human nature... what the hell does that mean??

During my MUET Oral test.. i (or rather my group) was/were given a topic.. "human weakness" the four of us were also given a weakness (human weakness) to talk about... at first on our own before we discussed it among ourselves... i was given FOOD as human weakness (the other 3 was MONEY, FAME and POWER)... we have no choice but to agree with it during our individual sessions... gluttony suddenly spring to mind... so i blabbered all about why food is the number 1 human weakness.. eventhough i disagree... during the discussion session... i immediately choose money.. doing my best master yoda impression " money lead to fame and fame lead to power" and in the process involved why britney and Jacko was so successful during their stint at the top of the world and why America was considered a world power... trying my best to make them see that money is the root of all evil... hahaha... most of them said power is the number 1 human weakness... but without money power is nothing i said... well we were supposed to be discussing or debating so everyone has to have an opinion...

... or dead!!!!


I envy people who can write well... especially people who wrote article about life in general

you're wearing me out!!!

i'm sick of being told of what to do!!!

end up with nothing in the end... what an irony

after so many disappointment.. i realize that being miserable is not that bad at all, sometimes...

If you could foresee this project as a failure .. then why keep on forcing me to do it.. leave it be lah... I for one, could see it turning into a disaster... persistence don't always work... it could turn into an annoyance...

You are free of blame my friend... I have only myself to blame

I need space to do my own thinking... do my own thing... be alone with my thoughts.. this blog use to be it... not anymore... there are people i know in real life who now reads it... when they feel like it... and for some reason my critical self shied away... i could move to another space... it is that simple... but i like it here...

the path will not be easy...

I have always wanted to use the nylon strings on my guitars but I'm too dumb to do it

triggers is the word of the day (January 7th 09)

I am unhealthy, unwelcome and unmoved

everyone is entitle to make mistakes... just as long as you learn from it

"mistakes don't mean a thing if you don't regret them"

I named the 3 new kittens at home = bulan, bintang and matahari... i cant keep them all... might have to give them away soon...

The Katherine Tragedy

"a saint without a past , a sinner without a future"

"if you don't try you cant fail"

"dozens of reason to lie, only one to tell the truth"

"I have learned to let go, to not hold on so tightly, to open the jar at just the right moment and enjoy the lights"

All quotes are from House M.D. ( i think la)